How could he move on so quickly????

[jawinkl]

Tried the NC thing........ gave in so many times. He broke up with me about 2 months ago...... his reasons being that he couldn't go on hurting me.

We'd been together 1 1/2 years.

 

His work and kids take up a big portion of his time.........

 

Travels a lot too due to work.

 

I had started getting clingy and insecure.

 

My insecurities got the better of me........

 

There was this one woman that I know who had been after him for a while now, he said they were only just friends, (he doesn't have many friends were his work takes him) but judging from the odd hours of texts that he receives from her, my instincts told me not so!!!! When I'd asked what she'd texted about, it'd be a about some guy she'd broken up with.......

 

He told me yesterday that he'd been seeing someone... and didn't deny it when I said I thought it was her!!!!!!!

 

I feel really lost....... Can't believe that I drove him into the arms of another.....

 

But inside me......I don't think this new relationship of his will last, he's got the kids...... he's got the ex wife .......... & he's got me as ex GF now turned friend to deal with........

 

Told him I wanted to catch up last nite...........this was 2 days ago........ he texted,last nite, but I told him I had made prior plans....

 

NC all over again.....

 

But it is so hard................ and very painful.......

[TaTaBell]

Jaw I am going to try NC with someone I love for the first time. It sucks.

I hope I can be strong. Sometimes giving someone up is the the greatest love you can show them. Thats what I am hoping anyway.Best to you.

[Boughs]

Sure is

 

We all gotta lose to understand. Remember this time is also the best time of your life. A time where you really get a chance to think about yourself on a deep powerful level. Make sure you don't let it overcome you. Take each thought and figure it out. Don't lose your sanity, but definitely lose your mind and yourself a bit. Loosen up best you can.

 

That is what I usually think/do.

[blender]

he didn't leave "you" he made a choice to not pursue a meaningful responsible relationship.. so do NOT take it personally, and YOU didn't drive him into the arms of another woman.. she's simply "new" right now, and no one can compete with "newness" and this "newness" seems "easier" right now, and frankly him being drawn into it, makes him not so "ready" to committ to anyone.... so breathe, and please do not stay in contact with him, what self respecting reason can you tell us why you are willing to do that to yourself?

 

Instead feel your pain, don't be afraid of it, mourn the loss of what you "hoped he could" be in your life, and now have the self respect to be in acceptance that he no longer has the HONOR of you in his life... and go heal, go on your own, cry your eyes out, and in a few months of no contact you will regain your sense of self and your perspective and take the "lessons you have learned about yourself" from this relationship, and bring this joy and new found confidence and growth into a relationship you can build on a healthy, solid, more secure ground...

[jawinkl]

the pain......... It has on days become so unbearable.....

 

I've been going through the "what if's" what I could have done to have fixed it......

 

But in the 1 1/2 years I have come to know him & his quirks so well.........and he knows this.......

 

I am friends with the ex wife too.... this was for the kids..

 

She doesn't know yet bout the new GF......... and she's not going to be happy.

 

You're right blender, he has alot of issues, and for some reason very non-commital......he claims it goes back to his childhood and when he witnessed his mum die of cancer........He feels that he is not capable of loving....Yet when we were together, he was the most affectionate person I'd ever been with.........I over cared........ I became clingy and needy......My life evolved around him.....

 

What really pains me is that he is with this woman, who used to text and ask about me........ I really despise her so.......so sly....

 

I'd gotten christmas presents for him & his kids earlier (before the breakup)......want to give it to them.....but don't know what to do?????

[blender]

Jawinkl,

 

nope, no christmas present for him, please do not do this to yourself, you might politely send the kids a gift to his ex-wives home, but nothing more... it's time for you to move on...

 

I know the "horrible childhood" story all too well from guys like this, and yes it's "real" and it's his "life history" but what respecting choices has he made to "honor" the memory of his mother and treat women with love and respect? He's an adult now, he can make different choices, not just "give in" to his issues, and use them as an excuse.

 

and so many people have had heartache and terrible stories from their childhood, but when someone "uses" this as an excuse not to be someone who can "love".. well then, "HE should do something about it, make different choices, grow through working on learning how to love, respect his mother's legacy, and women in general, and nnot "run away" once it gets too "real" or the woman is "expecting him to rise to the type of man YOU are worthy of"...

 

Please know that it's not this "new girlfriends" fault, HE made his own choices, and I assure you she will going through exactly what you are going through right now, in a matter of time.. She too will become a "victim" of HIS life pattern.. he can run away, but he'll keep running into "himself" no matter who he is with, once the "newness" wears off...

 

Please don't let your mind go to places of "what if I did this or that, if only I behaved this way or that".. that is not "real", you are human, when love is healthy and authentic a couple works through issues together, they don't run away and other one clings... that is just a "bad love habit".. where one or both people feel the need to "aquire thier happiness or security" from the other.. that does NOT work... and he is NOT capable of doing "love" in a healthy way..

 

And so you said: "when we were together, he was the most affectionate person I've ever been with"...

 

These kind of guys are sooooo good at the first four months or maybe up to a year and a half of relationship.. they "love" how this part of the relationship makes THEM feel... they are so in love with how THEY feel, the false sense of empowerment, being needed, new sex, making plans for the future, anything as long as you are together is possible, they are affectionate, sweet, understanding, long talks about thier "issues" from childhood, etc..

 

these kind of men, are so intoxicating and endearing, we want to rescue them, and at the same time we are clinging to them..ugh...

 

they are the toughest ones to get "over" after they leave, and yes they ALWAYS leave eventually.. this is love for them alright.. a kind of unhealthy love...

 

The good news is, there is one thing way more difficult then getting over this guy leaving, that is "choosing to stay involved with him, walking on eggshells so you are never "too needy" and then "wondering" when he is going to leave....

 

You did nothing that made him leave YOU, he didn't "leave you" he left the responsiblity of building a mature, long lasting, committed, loving, respectful relationship.. please do NOT take this personally.. he will do this again to the "new girl"... if she has any self respect, eventually she will soon be "wanting more" from him as well... and he will "run away" again.... and again, and again, and again.. this is his "life pattern"... because he chooses to avoid facing himself and growing through love... instead his kind of "love" is attaining his 'high about how HE feels" when "falling" in whatever kind of love it is...

 

You have been spared a future of heartache, thank god he's no longer in your life, and now you give ourself a break and stop asking yourself:

 

"how could he leave me so easily after all we shared, it must be "me" I should have been "different".

 

Instead, ask yourself, "why would I put any more energy in a man who could leave anyone so easily, especially me after all we shared?

 

He was a "lesson" for you, an "emotional bridge" you needed at the time you met him, and now you can take what you have learned about yourself and also "accept" that HE is not capable of mature honest sincere long lasting love, and remind YOURSELF that YOU are capable of all the wonderful trust, respect, and loyalty, healthy love requires in order to be nurtured and grow..

[jawinkl]

Hi Blender,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.......

 

I am still doing the "what if's???" I really do miss him so much.......

 

There were points in the relationship when my insecurities did overwhelm me....and looking back the night's out and alcohol never did help.......

 

Even now.......I know it's wrong and I am slowly killing myself for it....but everything just so depressive at the moment...

 

Yes, I have made improvements to the way I look......Have tried getting out more and socialising with friend's, but I think they got tired of consoling me.

 

Initially in the break up, he kept apologising for his changing feelings....and said he knew that it sounded corny....... but he wanted for us to remain friend's!!! I was cool about it when he said so. But when we caught up the next night (I'd volunteered to take him to the airport) I told him that I understood that feelings change, but that we could not be friends, not yet at least......... the devastated look on his face, was one that I'd never seen on him before!! Took me by surprise!!

 

I again felt sorry and gave in, like I hadn't even made that statement.....wrong move, i know!!

 

I hurt so much....... and in the opinion of friend's they too saw how needy and clingy I was getting......crying for silly reasons, and making jealous false accusations..hence the new GF!!

 

I do want him back..... Helpppppp

[blender]

Please STOP blaming yourself, you did NOTHING wrong, you were you, and if you were feeling "clingy and too needy, or crying for silly reasons" then this relationship was so unhealthy for you.. it brought out your insecurities for a reason, it was FATE intervening...

 

and the fact that he wanted to be "friends" and "apologized for his feelings changing" that is also all ABOUT HIM and him wanting to "feel good" about HIMSELF..

 

and that painful look on his face when you said you "could not be friends" was NOT about losing YOU, it was "shock"... he was thinking, "yikes is she self respecting enough to have figured me for the over grown baby that I am?" And he doesn't like the "feelings" HE gets when someone around him, especially a woman, expects MORE from him...

 

when he has to "disappoint" he gets "hurt" because he doesn't want to dissappoint you because of how it makes HIM feel.. see, it's never been about YOU, it's all about HIM, HIS CHILDHOOD, HIS ISSUES, HIS FEELINGS CHANGING, HIS WANTING TO REMAIN FRIENDS, HIS GOING AFTER A NEW GIRL, ugh...

 

I'm telling you, even if you walked on eggshells for the next two years, and never ever even showed a hint of insecurity, he still would be doing exactly what he is doing now, he might just have done it a little later...

 

so if there is anything you didn't like about your own behavior, then great, learn from it, and start now by NOT REPEATING YOUR OWN PATTERN, of clinging to him as a friend or buddy or ex or whatever....

 

Start new, learn from yourself, move on, sure you're gonna be sad for awhile, and yes it's going to hurt like hell, but "in love heartache is inevitable but suffering is a choice"...

 

So stop making yourself suffer by making a choice to remember ONLY YOUR PART in the relationship... he made choices too.... and the reason you were so insecure and clingy is because he was NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU.. you just "wanted and hoped he could be"....and you fell in love with YOUR image of him....

 

well open your eyes and take a good look at who he really is... he's not intentionally making a respectful effort to return your love... he's NOT capable...

 

so if you "CHOOSE" to keep trying to re-write the script of this relationship in your head, you will delay your healing for awhile..

 

Instead, please have the self respect to go NO CONTACT AND THEN just feel the pain, cry, cry, cry, mourn the loss of what you "hoped" for but realize that what you "hope" for will be, but just with someone new..

 

someone who when you are with him, it's safe, kind, secure, loving, sincere, and REAL, not a "fantasy or whirlwind".. but "real" growing closer to each other each day as your authentic self, insecure or needy or not.. just be you...and you and a wonderful man will nurture each other through whatever "issues' arise, not run from them, or use them as an excuse...

 

When you say to yourself you want "him" back.. please know that what you "want" back is the "original sense of closness, having a companion, living in hope of planning a future" and you will have all those things.. and they won't make you feel desperate, sad, wrong, or needy with the RIGHT KIND OF EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY MAN...

 

This guy that just lost YOU.. (yes, that's right he lost YOU) well, he can only provide those oh so affectionate sexy qualties for a very short time for any woman.... be grateful you are no longer going to be a part of HIS life pattern..

 

separate YOUR "FEELINGS" FROM THE "FACTS" it will give you some clarity.....this heartache is a gift, an opportunity for you to grow and be reminded of how special YOU are.. not him,... but you.. you need to cry, walk through your heartache with dignity, be in acceptance, and let go.. and get back to YOU.

[jawinkl]

Blender..........

 

I know everything you are saying is right....... and I know I am still in denial.....I do need help with getting through this..........

 

How did you become so wise??????

[blender]

Because I had the "gift'' of going through a very likewise scenario... and I spent months blaming myself.. but him leaving me was a gift... I know that now.. and even then, I had the self respect to go "no contact".. thank god... and I hope you do the same.. and it's not about declaring "no contact" to HIM, don't even mention it, just do it...one day at a time..

 

this is a gift of heartache, an opportunity....

 

yes it's a "gift" once you make a choice to be self respecting enough to go one day at a time without contacting him, and letting go...one day at a time, by making a choice to live in "acceptance" and not in "resistance" your pain will get less,

 

and your heart will grow full, and you will brush yourself off, fake a smile at first, then hold your head high, and learn about yourself from all this, that you can muster up the courage to let go, and trust that FATE has better plans for you, and then they will be.... this all happened for a reason..

 

Don't be afraid of your heartache, feel it, go through it, don't reach out to him anymore. Please don't have contact with him, each day you go without having contact with him or "about" him, you will feel some empowerment... make this change in your behavior.. it will set you free.. and you will heal..

 

Accept that you will be sad for awhile and please forgive yourself whatever your regrets are, just learn from them..that is a gift, that your life needed, FATE doesn't make mistakes.. this happened so you might grow and so you are "emotionally healthy and ready" for the RIGHT man...

 

remember, he is now losing "YOU"... you are going to start giving this energy to YOURSELF... no more contact.... he does NOT hold the key to your validation as a woman, or to your happiness..

 

Only YOU hold that key, try to stop looking outside yourself for it, this pain is an opportunity to learn all the great things about yourself, courage, strength, discover of acting with self respect, growing, and loving again...

 

This pain will pass, once you choose to let go, walk through the tears with dignity and no blame.. no blame.. just understanding of yourself and his total lack of ability to be "more" of a "real" man.

[jawinkl]

But how do I convince my heart to follow my head???????

 

I can understand it if I were a teenager......but not so!!!!! I'm 44 and he's 40!!!!!!

[blender]

oops, just finished a long reply above this one, and then just read your last post, so scan up and read that one first...

 

now, at first your heart won't follow your head, until you make a choice to USE your head to make different choices and it's not easy, it's going to be hard, but the "right" thing to do is usually the toughest, but the best.

 

Ask yourself, how is your choice of behavior working for you now??? not real good is it? you are simply prolonging your healing by having any contact with him and also that awful self destructive addictive "oh it was me and all my mistakes" crap... you're human, so you weren't perfect, and you can work on any issues of beahavior you regret, but this guy is so not worthy of your energy anymore...

 

so make a change, right now, to respect yourself and no longer have contact with this man, and do NOT go "declaring" no contact to him, just start one day at a time to not contact him...... only teenagers repeat the same behavior over and over again expecting a different result..

 

I know how you feel, I'm in my forties too, and sometimes it's even more difficult to get over these guys at this point in our life, but the good news is you have the maturity to go through your heartache with self respecting choices even if they are hard to do.. and it starts with "no contact" and taking time to take care of you.. he's a dry well, don't go to him for your water, you will only leave more thirsty each time.....

[jawinkl]

Eventualy my heart will follow my head.... i suppose.........will have to keep coming back here for support........in weak moments........

 

How long ago did all this happen for you, Blender???

 

Don't mean to be nosy, but what happened with your breakup??

[papalazarou]

I had started getting clingy and insecure.

 

My insecurities got the better of me........

 

There was this one woman that I know who had been after him for a while now, he said they were only just friends, (he doesn't have many friends were his work takes him) but judging from the odd hours of texts that he receives from her, my instincts told me not so!!!! When I'd asked what she'd texted about, it'd be a about some guy she'd broken up with.......

 

 

 

 

I dont think they did get the better of you...you knew something was up which is why you got clingy and needy.

 

You were proved right. In no way did you drive him into another persons arms.

 

ALWAYS ALWAYS trust your gut.