Is it me or him?

[waytoodown]

Well...here it goes...

I've been with my bf for 2 years now, and we're supposed to be moving in together soon, but I'm not sure I should anymore. I have my reasons for that I guess ( he cheated on me once, then I got jealous when I found out he was still talking to one of his exes so he said he'd stop, only last night I found out he's been lying to me and he's kept contact with her...now why would he lie to me if there's nothing there!?! )

In all our fights in the last...6-8 months,he always brings up breaking up, though we haven't... But now I'm left wondering if we really do belong together? Is it normal to have to work this hard at a relationship!?! Loose nights after night of sleep over it,.... I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm also doubting myself because I am very emotional. I used to cut like 1 year or so ago, but I have stopped and since I cry alot. I also used to have tons of close friends but I only have 1 now, cuz I stopped talking to most of them. So my bf seems to be the only person I have left....

Do I have some emotional problem that explains why I feel I should break up with him, or do I just refuse to break up with him eventhough I should because I'm too attached or something?

...Any advice? Opinions? Anything?

Thx!

[Scout]

Well, I think every healthy relationship is the result of two people working hard to keep it that way, but a) the work should feel mostly joyful and b) to date your relationship doesn't sound like it had any consistently long stretches of healthiness in general. You fight a lot, he threatens to break up a lot, he's been unfaithful, he's continued to be untruthful even after he was unfaithful...

 

In other words, no. I don't think you should move in with him either. If anything, I think you should figure how to move out of this relationship, if it's truly causing you a great deal of pain and stress. It's not supposed to be like that.

 

And you may have stayed in it this long because you were more attached to having someone in your life, rather than being attached to the right person to have in your life. And I hate to say this, but some people get addicted to the drama in highly problematic relationships. The soaring highs are a thrill, the crashing lows are killers, but they stick with it because they have gotten conditioned to the drama. That's...not setting a good pattern for your own emotional wellbeing, much less the relationship's.

[RayKay]

No, it is not an emotional problem that you want to break up with him. You are feeling this way as your gut is telling you that you deserve better than this, and that there is something very unhealthy about this relationship.

 

All I can really say is that in healthy relationships, you don't threaten to end things everytime you disagree, you don't cheat, and if there IS infidelity you work hard to regain the trust and not lying, and so on.

 

There seems to be an awful lot of drama, and I suspect you are more addicted to that, and to feelings associated with it, than you are actually in a loving relationship.

[Juliana]

Actually, if you were to have an emotional problem that connected to cutting and alot of crying, it wouldn't be one that would cause you to want to break up with him. That is probably a good, healthy instinct on your part; however, rather than breaking up, why not just see less of him, and more of other people? Start getting together with some of the friends you haven't seen in awhile.

 

btw, crying to express emotion = good; cutting to deal with emotion = bad, so all in all, you sound like you're headed in the right direction.

[waytoodown]

I don't know if I'm addicted to the drama or not..how can I tell?

He just told me he had lied to me about his ex to 'teach mea lesson'...so bassically, he wanted to hurt me on purpose. ( He said it's because he had asked me to do something a while back, only he never actually asked, so how was i supposed to know!?!? )

Is there any way that you guys think we can work this out? ( like Juliana said , maybe if we see less of each other and I start hanging out with my friends again?.... ) I really think I love him.... And I don't know if I'm ready to give this up yet..... Any chance we can make it work? Or should I just give up all hopes now? ( if I should just give up...how can I gather myself to breakup? ... I've never broken up with anyone i actually cared about before...)

[Juliana]

Well, he sounds like a tool, unfortunately, so yes I think the way to go is to start to prepare yourself to break up with him. It's not helpful to denigrate your feelings by wondering if you are "addicted to drama;" instead, just to try be as honest with yourself as you can be. I would definitely start seeing more of my friends and less of him, because that way, you have more self-esteem and more of a support system in place when/if the breakup does happen. The reality is, if you start seeing more of other people and building your self-esteem back up, you will be in a better place to challenge him about his behaviour and deal with it if he decides that he would rather break up than treat you better.

 

When you find that you're a very emotional person, you have to appreciate what your needs are going into a situation, rather than trying to deal with the damage after the fact; bracing yourself now will help you in the long run.

[trjarstjornur]

I don't know if I'm addicted to the drama or not..how can I tell?

He just told me he had lied to me about his ex to 'teach mea lesson'...so bassically, he wanted to hurt me on purpose. ( He said it's because he had asked me to do something a while back, only he never actually asked, so how was i supposed to know!?!? )

Isn't this fairly clear? You didn't do something he didn't ask you to do in the first place - and decides to "teach you a lesson"? Come on - even if you just don't remember him asking, I don't think a fairly healthy person's response to that is to teach someone a lesson. Normally, when people don't do something you ask them to do, you remind them - you don't try to get revenge or teach them a lesson.

 

That, coupled with things like mentioning breaking up every time you argue (btw - how often do you argue, and what's the reason for them? Does he bring up a break-up to end the fights?), is, I think, a very good reason to end this. Try to get back in touch with those friends you mentioned, the ones you don't talk to anymore (and - why don't you talk to them anymore?), and then get out.

[Scout]

Well, I think it's noble of you to be thinking of how you can work through your current relationship's conflicts. Because every relationship does take this kind of commitment and maturity, as problems can and do arise, no matter how healthy the relationship is.

 

My concern is that your boyfriend may not have the kind of maturity needed to do his share here. I could be wrong, though, and if you think his good points outweigh the problematic issues you two have had in the past, I would think your one last hope here would be relationship counseling, with the goal of improving your communication skills with each other, and for him, to learn how to be honest and trustworthy, because that is the critical foundation for a healthy relationship. And I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like your relationship's foundation is, at best, very shaky.

 

And because of that, I do not think it would be a wise decision at all for you to move in with him at this point. I think your own inner gut instinct is telling you this, too. Might want to listen to it.