IM arguements

[SherriLi]

hi everyone. I have been in a LDR with my bf for the past 2 monthes but we've been together for 2.5 years. I am planning on moving to be with him in 4 monthes.

 

We have been fighting alot online lately. He has had insecurity, and has tried controlling me. I have had trust issues with him. Also i feel myself pushing him away. I can't stop myself, it's like one of us says something off kilter and the other gets sooo sensitive about it that a fight breaks out!

 

The thing is, i'm scared to death of moving accross the country. I have never moved from my home town, ever . Our relationship was very rocky when we were living together due to certian issues, but we love eachother VERY much. So much that we both want to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

Another thing, is i'm having a VERY hard time being here alone, i resent him at times for leaving me like he did. Just like he resented me for him staying in this town solely for me. I am terrified of leaving my job, home and family to move accross the country, especially since we've been fighting so much online.

 

I have been pushing him away, and i feel like i have no control over it, i know he's been trying but damn it! How can i stop myself from pushing him away before it's too late? I know why i'm pushing him away, because i am terrified of moving there and us breaking up, all for me to come back home to no job, home etc.... But i know if i don't go i will regret it for the rest of my life..

 

 

My question is, how on earth to i stop pushing him away? I'ts like i see myself doing it but i can't stop... When i know that i can end to argument and swallow my pride, i can't! i just say something else to make it worse.... and push him further!

 

How can i stop?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Sherri,

 

The thing is, i'm scared to death of moving accross the country. I have never moved from my home town, ever . Our relationship was very rocky when we were living together due to certian issues, but we love eachother VERY much. So much that we both want to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

It's really hard leaving home, and it's not easy the first time you do it. Can I ask how old you are? I remember when I moved to another country, I was so homesick and lonely for the first few weeks. Turned out to be the best time of my life! But that said, I didn't move FOR someone else, it was for my studies. I think that it's going to put a lot of pressure on your relationship, because if it's not going so well, you will ask yourself if you did the right thing. Are there any other positives for moving? Are you going to a bigger place? Have you got a job lined up? What are the other benefits of moving? I suppose I'm trying to reframe it for you to look at the positives beyond just being with your bloke!

 

We have been fighting alot online lately. He has had insecurity, and has tried controlling me. I have had trust issues with him. Also i feel myself pushing him away. I can't stop myself, it's like one of us says something off kilter and the other gets sooo sensitive about it that a fight breaks out!

 

This is a bit of a red flag to me - what's this all about? Is it something you are working on, and if so how? Because when you move, these will all be highlighted still more, and will be forced to the foreground. This may be something you need to discuss and sort out now, rather than later. I don't think they will just work themselves out, you know.

 

Is it possible for you to delay moving, and maybe try some extended visits together, to iron out these anxieties? I just get the sense of dread in your post about moving, and that is worrying. Sorry not to be more help, but it does sound to me like you have serious reservations, and these have to be addressed head on before you make such a big step. Can I ask how old you are? Because I think it is a big step, and there needs to be a lot in place before you make a big move for someone else.

 

Good luck!

[SherriLi]

Hi Honey,

 

Yes there are positives for moving, i have never been very far from home, and have always wanted to see that part of the counrty, but family is my life, and i will have no one but him there. He is going to line up a job for me, so that's not to bad, My kids really miss him, they will have alot more opporunites there also, being that where we are is pint size and we are moving to a city thats booming.

 

I managed to straighten out his comtrol issues, he was mad that i was having people over every weekend, he gave me many excuses, but what it boiled down to, is that he was terrified that i was having so much fun and making new friends that i wouldn't want to move down there. He have worked this out. My trust issues are mainly about sex.... I'm scared that he's going to have an indescretion, due to his huge sex drive, this doesn't worry me much anymore, i have faith in him, and know that he loves me completely.... It was an issue in the beginning but not anymore.

 

As for my age, i'm 26 he's 36.

 

I just wish i would stop pushing him away... it's like i have no control over what i say, and am regretting it as it comes out of my mouth. Our fights could be sooo tame, if it wasn't for me. It's my fear of leaving here that is causing this, i know it.... but i just don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid that it will destroy us before we have the chance to begin again.

 

Sherri

[Honey Pumpkin]

Okay, Sherri, less red flags than I had thought - for some reason I had thought you were younger than you were, and that made me a bit concerned for you. But you're old enough to make these choices wisely, and as you say, it's going to a bigger place where you'll have a good job and your children will enjoy this move.

 

I think you need to be completely upfront with him about how you are feeling. Next time you're arguing about something, take a deep breath and say "Actually, it's not really about this. It's because I'm nervous about the move, and worried about leaving behind everything that's familiar". Get to talk about what's really going on, how you're really feeling.

 

I'm of the opinion that sometimes you take a risk, if there are enough things in its favour. Set up things in your new life that will ease the transition - have groups you can join, classes you can do, people you can meet. I've moved a lot in my life, and it IS daunting. But you have to quickly set up a new life for yourself, put yourself out there and create a social network for yourself, not rely on one other person. You can do this, because you sound really self aware and able to express yourself clearly!

[Blue Skittles]

LDR's can be such a rollercoaster ride. In my experiences, its like you are all happy when you see the person and its a good time for the most part, but then you go away and you are sad, maybe even depressed and really edgy when you do talk to them on the phone. The slightest little thing can make you upset.

 

Anyways, I understand your fear of leaving, but this is an exciting opportunity for you. You get to go live somewhere completely different, meet new people, see another part of the world. Its scary, but trust me, its so much fun. And hey, if things don't work out and you really dont' like it there, whats stopping you from coming back? Its always an option.