How do you deal with it, when your partner will not give it up?

[millaj]

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now, and we partnered up/moved in with e/o in July. Since she's been here, we have maybe had sex once a month, or two times if I'm lucky. I'm a highly sexual driven person, but not to the point of being addicted to sex. However, I am definitely a sexual person, and am not being fullfilled in that area. I'm trying so hard to stay focused on what is really important, the love.

 

But lately, I have been feeling so alone when it comes to my sexuality. I have tried over and over again to push up on her, rub on her, talk to her. I really do love her so much, and she brings me so much satisfaction in other areas. She does so much for me, and really loves me. She tries so hard to make me happy, and so much so that I get overwhelmed knowing that someone loves me so much.

 

I have been thinking about incorporating a man into my sex life. She has known that I am bisexual from the beginning, and I am a very faithful person, so I haven't wanted to have sex with anyone else. I'm not attracted to any other woman at all. I see so many beautiful women on a daily basis, but they don't turn me on. My girlfriend turns me on more than any other woman. If I do have sex with someone else, it will definitely be a man. I have been so down over the past couple of days and she wanted to know why, so today I talked to her and I told her that when I go up to LA this weekend, I might have sex with someone else.

 

I don't want our relationship to end. It's just getting started, and it's so good. And I definitely don't want to hurt her, but trying to have sex with her is like beating a dead horse. We've talked about it many times, and she can't give me a reason. She comes up with many excuses, but I can always prove those excuses to be wrong. She says she's just not into sex that much, and doesn't have a high sex drive, but it kills me inside to know that I don't turn her on. I should turn her on and she should want to make love to me. I have even given her ideas, such as maybe just coming up to me and kissing me all over, then eating me out, or just laying on the bed with the strap on. All of these things turn me on, and even if she doesn't have a sex drive, at least she would be doing something to please me in that area.

 

Anyways, I don't want to hurt her, and she is really down right now. I just need some advice. I don't know if I am going to actually have sex with someone else, but at least I forewarned her. I'm very committed, and from the beginning we agreed that if either one of us felt the need to have sex with someone outside of the relationship, we would tell eachother first. This would give us the chance to make a decision on what to do next. Well I feel that from this point on, she is either going to prove to me that she can satisfy me, and wants to continue this, or she will break up with me, or she will just accept that she can't satisfy me, and allow me to have a sexual relationship outside of what we have. Either way, she is my best friend, I love her, and I want her to be in my life for the long run.

 

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to your advice.

 

M

[finewhine]

The short answer: I left.

[rose2summer]

Hey millaj-

 

Unless you can really pinpoint why she doesn't want to have sex,

 

I think you are really just going to keep spinning in circles.

 

It seems that's an important aspect of a relationship for you.

 

Has she had any traumatic experiences in her life, abuse, rape, that maybe led her down this path of desiring it less?

 

Hugs, Rose

[Kaia]

Hi millaj, i wonder how you approached the "talk" with her when she can't give you a reason. Does she become defensive? Maybe she doesn't know how to tell you what you've been doing isn't turning her on. It's hard to talk about that without feeling you're blaming the partner or that it's something wrong with you. But in fact i think everyone is different and it takes two to find out what's works best for you two.

 

Perhaps you can start by asking her how you can make her feel good sexually. From the 4th paragraph you wrote, "I have even given her ideas"... those things are what turn YOU on but that is not really the problem here, since you're the one with higher sex drive. Focus your discussion on how to make HER feel good, not you. Don't drop her hints on how to please you unless she initiates or asks. Don't get frustrated at her if what you're trying isn't turning her on. And last but not least, don't give up!

[millaj]

Yes, we have had plenty of talks. I've asked her what turns her on. She's said that when I smell good, and am shaved, etc. However, I've done that and still tried to turn her on by kissing her, etc, and she still has no reaction.

 

She keeps telling me that it isn't me. I've asked her over and over again what can I change, or help with, and she doesn't know. I just don't know what to do anymore, except to just be okay with the situation and either deal with it, or move on.

 

Also, ever since the talk we had tonight, she is still being extremely nice to me. I decided to get out for a little while and spend some time at my mothers. She and I have texted back and forth a few times, and she is still calling me sweetie, honey, and darling.

 

SIGH, I dunno.

 

Rose, nope, she hasn't went through any sexual trauma. I have though, but it never made me feel different towards sex, except that sometimes I cry after, but that happens to different people for different reasons.

[Cadence308]

Well, I'm a female lesbian with a very low sex drive. I've only been with one woman and we are broken up now. I never initiated sex (sometimes initiated kissing), never felt I was able to please my girlfriend, and found it impossible to articulate what I wanted. I was self-conscious of my body, thought I was too fat and too hairy, and just not beautiful.

 

There could be many reasons why your gf is uninterested in sex. I told my therapist it is something that I could take or leave, but the truth is that most of the time I would rather leave it. I have never felt comfortable with being sexual. Part of it may have to do with the way I was raised. My mom was overprotective and very strict on me. I am the oldest. One time she thought I had a boyfriend over when she was out of town and she was calling me a * * * * and easy, etc. I think some experiences like that have helped me to become almost asexual.

 

If you talk to your girlfriend again, I wouldn't tell her that you are thinking of having sex with someone else. I'm sure that would make her really defensive. Instead, tell her what you feel that you are lacking from the relatioship and what you feel you need. Tell her you don't understand her lack of desire for sex and that you feel she deserves to be touched, kissed, made love to, etc. because you love her and want to express those feelings for each other.

 

GL and keep us posted!

[millaj]

If you talk to your girlfriend again, I wouldn't tell her that you are thinking of having sex with someone else. I'm sure that would make her really defensive. Instead, tell her what you feel that you are lacking from the relatioship and what you feel you need. Tell her you don't understand her lack of desire for sex and that you feel she deserves to be touched, kissed, made love to, etc. because you love her and want to express those feelings for each other.

 

GL and keep us posted!

I tried talking to her many times about the lack there of, etc. Nothing changes. She tries really hard, and it's disappointing b/c she doesn't follow through. I feel terrible that I want to take it to the point where I want to sleep with someone else, but I always told her if I felt that way I would tell her rather than cheat. I'm still not sure if I am going to act on how I feel, but I feel better that I got it off of my chest. I'm going to see her this evening, so I'll know more about what she wants to talk to me about.

[millaj]

Just an update:

She came over last night to visit me at my moms, and we had a long talk. She was showing physical affection and effort, but I was honest with her and told her that at this point I am not turned on by her, because I was getting so used to being pushed away from her all the time. It really hurt her, and made her cry, but she told me that she is really trying to work on this, and needs help to understand why her body is the way it is, and why she doesn't get turned on. She tried hard to convince me that it's nothing I did, and it's not me. She said she loves me, and she does want me, but she just can't get in the mood for sex. She wants to find a lesbian sex workshop of some kind. We looked online last night, but haven't found anything like that.

 

So I'm going to try and hold myself back from going to another source for pleasure, but I am about to explode. I know that she loves me and wants to make it work. I truly love her too. I'm just having such a struggle with all the passion and fire inside, that I can't let out. I have masterbated, but it's still not enough. Maybe it's because of my bi-sexuality, and that I just need a man every once in a while too. It get's pretty confusing.

 

Anyhow, I gave her three options.

1. Knowing that this is just the way she is, she and I would part ways.

2. Continue to be in a relationship, but an open one where I could have a new lover, but still only be with her emotionally. -or-

3. Give it her best, and try with all she can to open herself up sexually, and continue in our relationship the way it is.

 

She chose option 3, which I knew she would because of her love for me. So I am pretty happy about that. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to go for sex therapy? (besides the porn shop, she's kinda conservative).

[Cid]

There are theraps out there for sex problems. Look in the phone book and call them and ask if they deal with sex problems. Dont turn your back on her just yet. I hope that this helps.

[Nova Phoenix]

Ballys, forgive me, but I have to point out that "asexual" means you can reproduce offspring by yourself.

 

Of course if the word has another meaning, then I apologise.

[Matty1607307441]

Yes. Nova. The word has a modern meaning, that means people who arnt interested in being sexual with males or females.

[about2giveup]

I understand completely where you are coming from.. see my Threads (very little sex) and my advice which is you can do what I am/have been doing or cut your loses now. I am only holding out because in the beginning it was great. I can honestly say if it started off like it is now.. hell I would leave in a heartbeat. Its hard when as much as she doesnt want sex you want it. I know. good luck.

[millaj]

Thanks. Well I have seen a tiny bit of improvement, but to be honest I think that she only tried b/c she doesn't want to loose me. I know that is true in my heart, and she is a very good person, and she treats me wonderfully. I am trying just to stay focused on today and stop worrying about the future. I can live without sex, but down the road I want a loving, healthy relationship where we both WANT to have sex with eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes I think we are just on different wavelengths when it comes to that.

 

The other day we tried, and I guess her knees were hurting or something, so she snapped at me when I was just an inch closer to orgasming. She basically told me to hurry up. It was not loving, or sexy at all. I started crying, and ran to the bathroom to be by myself. We have tried one other times since then, and she just used fingers. It wasn't turning me on, so I asked if she would lick me and she sighed and rolled her eyes. That really hurt.. I mean why is that such a hard thing to do for someone who you are supposed to love? I don't know, but I went for a walk and tried to snap back into a happy feeling, and it worked. I came back home and she appologized, and I told her I'm not mad at her. I'm really not mad at her, just disappointed. So who knows how this will end up.

 

Cid - She did agree to find some type of therapy and we did research but can't find anything like that out here.

 

About2giveup - I read and replied to your post. I don't remember, but I am going to read it again.

[someguy1976]

Sounds to me like for what ever reason, she is not interested in you any more. I mean she avoids the whole subject? It sounds like me relationship. I can not get any romance out of mine at all. It just aggravates me, and I know that there most likely is someone else involved. He throws a fit when I talk to someone in a friendly fashion male or female, but he can be buddy buddy with his co-workers, and even go out for drinks and movies?

[millaj]

Sounds to me like for what ever reason, she is not interested in you any more. I mean she avoids the whole subject? It sounds like me relationship. I can not get any romance out of mine at all. It just aggravates me, and I know that there most likely is someone else involved. He throws a fit when I talk to someone in a friendly fashion male or female, but he can be buddy buddy with his co-workers, and even go out for drinks and movies?

 

I don't know.. she really confuses me. She says that she really wants to find out why she has no sex drive, but then again your right.. she avoids the subject all together, and when I talk about it, she shuts me down. Sigh, I don't know. But I have joined the gym to start feeling better about myself. She joined too, so I think the endorphins will start to kick us into gear. If not, I won't worry about it anymore. It's more important that I feel good about myself.

 

I'm sorry that you think your partner has someone else involved. If you think that, why are you still with him? If I thought she had someone else on the side, it would be over in a heart beat.

[someguy1976]

It's one of those things where you know, but you're not for sure. I have known him for 5 years or so, dated for 2. All through this 5 years he has played me often. We once had a three way, when we were not dating, and he never even touched me. He does not really touch me now during those intimate moments. I have never cheated on him, never will. I would end it if it ever came up from that. I don't know when he would have the time to get involved with someone else, as he does not spend anytime with out me, for fear that I would do something. The only time I think he could do it is at work. I am just as confused as you are, but one thing is for sure, I am going to figure it out, and stay safe in the meantime.

[coffeeformylover]

Hey my wife and I have had the same problem. I have a high sex drive and she doesn't. I found out that my partner has a low sex drive because she has low self esteem. She thinks she is overweight and she doesn't want me to see her without her clothes on. Your girlfriend might have low self esteem for some reason or another. Maybe she doesn't like her legs or maybe she thinks she's fat. Ask her and see what she says. See if there is some reason why she doesn't feel good about herself. If there is...now is the time she really needs you to be there for her.

[millaj]

I just wanted to update you all. We broke up tonight. I just couldn't take it anymore. Everytime I started getting attraction for someone else I was just feeling so guilty about it. I have been pulling away lately, and even though she agreed to try her hardest, she just really hasn't. It was really hard, because she doesn't want to break up. I have been feeling great about myself lately, and have been working out at the gym, so after I told her how I felt, I left. We had time to think, and when I got back she said that I was right, and she shouldn't hold me back to finding someone who can complete me.

 

I'm having a hard time with it still b/c everytime I see her I just want to hold her and love her. Why do I feel like this now? I didn't feel like this earlier? Maybe it's because I have more respect and love for her that she is letting me go. Sigh.

[coffeeformylover]

You might be feeling this way now because you don't have her anymore. Sometimes we love things we can't or don't have just because we don't have them.

[millaj]

Thats very true, I notice that about myself often.

[redsuede]

Asexual actually means unaffected by sexuality.

[millaj]

Here we are again, Valentine's Day, and no intimacy. I am starting to get very depressed about all of this. Lately I have really been effected by it. We have tried, we have exchanged promise rings and she said she was going to try so hard. I'm just crying right now, and I don't know what to think or what to do. She did something so nice for me - made a nice colage of us together over the year and a half. Plus a background of a drawing that we drew together when we first found attracted to e/o.

 

She's so amazing to me in every way except the intimacy. I am just hurt by this.. I feel selfish, and I feel like I am not seeing her for all that she is. I am trying so hard to give her 100% of my attention instead of looking towards other people to give me what I am missing. I can't get everything from another person, and I know there are things that only I can do for myself. But when it comes to being in love and not having the intimacy it really hurts.

 

Maybe I need to just move on. I don't want to hurt her, but my depression is hurting her, and she is hurting me by not giving me what I need. We have talked about it over and over again, but I am sooo tired of beating a dead horse.. nothing is happening.

 

I'm sorry that this has turned into a rant, but I have to write about it, because I am stressed over this. I need sex so bad! I'm just extremely over-due and she has no desire to give it to me. Help! I think I am going to try and find a booty call.