please help...what do I do?

[bambina maxima]

I'm shaking all over. It's been no contact for almost 2 months (he called thanksgiving time, no message, I didn't call him back)

 

Well...he's called twice tonight, and left a message. The message was a little unclear but he made it sound like he is permanently ill, but he knew he wasn't supposed to call.

 

Last we spoke, I told him he was to contact me only if he were dying, seeing someone, or ready to take me seriously. Should I take it as he is dying? He didn't sound like it. I don't know. If he is telling me he is permanently ill just to get me to call, I feel I will forever hold it against him. But I feel like in this case I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and call him back. Help. I feel completely vulnerable. Scared that something's really wrong, scared of being used. It feels horrible either way it goes.

 

Please some advice asap. I am feeling extremely distressed.

[bambina maxima]

saturday night, not a sole on ENA...go figure...aaaaaaaaahhhhhh)#(%*@#)(% why did I have to stay home and take a bath. everybody else is out on the town. So I suppose I'll just deal by waiting it out a bit. he'll be there tomorrow if I decide I should call, right? Right. You just sit on it and try calming down, girl. 1...2....3....4....

 

Thanks for the advice, self.

 

Breeeeaaaaatttthhhhh.

[AwdreeHpburn]

hey bambina - ok ok calm down....

 

I think you should call him.

 

if he is going to go to the trouble of saying something like that, he deserves a call back - in MY opinion. If its fake - well....cross that bridge when you get to it....

 

I say call him and see what the story is...

[dnozzle]

Don't call him. Detach.

 

And you might want to redefine your terms. He should call you only when he is ready to take you seriously. Him dying or seeing someone else has nothing to do with you or your needs. Look out for yourself and let him deal with himself.

[bambina maxima]

dnozzle...though I am in no way ready to be his friend, I still care about him deeply. That is something I cannot help. If he died and I didn't get to talk to him again, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I don't hold grudges against people who are very ill.

 

I don't think he's dying, but if it's a serious illness I care very much. If it's minor...well, he asked if he could call me for minor illnesses, and I said DEFINITELY NOT (and I was livid -- if he can't handle the responsibility of a relationship but wants me to nurse him through a cold, he can eat his hat)

 

So you see...I guess this just feels bad no matter what. Ta ree saw... should I call now? He called about an hour ago. Or should I wait till tomorrow? When I am maybe calmer?

 

Why can't I figure this out myself?

[Lion-Guy]

Text him. If you find out he is ok than back to NC. It swear, it is the only way to speed the healing process and move on.

[bambina maxima]

Lion guy,

 

If I text him he will respond by calling. trust me I know this about him. I just don't feel ready to talk to him, not at all.

 

thanks for the quick responses everyone...temporary insanity is loosening its grip a bit. I'll probably call him...

I wish he was more explicit with his message...

[bambina maxima]

what's frustrating is how confusing the message is. This is what I hear:

 

"Hey xxxx...it's XX...I might be permanently ill...that's when I was supposed to call you...I'm not...but I just thought I'd give you a call find out how you're doing...give me a call if you want to...bye"

 

I can't figure out what this "I'm not" business is. I could be hearing wrong

[silentalways]

man, u really need to take a look in the mirror! u are not calling, knowing what u know because u think he might call u? not to sound too harsh but that is horrible. how in the world do u place something like that, he might call, over helping? snap out of it fer pete's sake - take a look at how you are shaping yer morals and ethics.

 

my ex did the exact same thing - probably thought the same way. i asked for one call, promised no strings attached - nothing. she probably made the same immature judgement call u are doing. i never received a call. didn't expect one - and that's the diff - i knew she wouldn't and didn't. she thought that would 'allow' me to return a call, and, i wouldn't - so, its all about trust, knowing the person, respect and communication.

 

i know i will never be so flipping shallow ever in my life. shows their true colours. man, imagine if i actually had to depend on someone that would make such a decision? no thank u. plenty of women out there that aren't insanely selfish like that.

[bambina maxima]

silent always, I never expected a call....

 

I asked him not to call me so that I could move on with my life, and that I would call him when I was ready to be friends.

 

I think you misunderstand me... this guy couldn't commit to me but was very good at stringing me along, so i said I was moving on, and to please let me do that by not calling. This was two months ago. I didn't answer his call earlier because I wasn't around to hear it ring. I don't expect him to call back now, not at all -- on the contrary -- I have decided that I will call him back, I'm just trying to calm down first.

 

I feel a little bit harpooned here x_x

 

It's extremely distressing to hear you interpret my words in this way... did you read my post?

[bambina maxima]

Chatting with him. He's not ill at all.

[Dorsay]

Hi Bambina,

 

How are you? How did the call go? You're a strong woman, so I'm sure you'll be fine. I hope it was the call that you hoped for. My friend sent me a very sweet email before thanksgiving and wanted to see me. I knew I had to put a stop to the drama, so I broke the silence and called him. I'm glad that I did because I let him know that we were not getting back together and basically asked him not to pursue me anymore. It's very sad but it really allows me to move on. Take care and stay strong.

[bambina maxima]

Hey Dorsay.

 

I didn't call, I unblocked him from gmail chat and there he was. The chat was incredibly disappointing.

 

At least I have no longer have any desire to be with this person.

 

He wasn't ill, he "cheated" and called because he wanted to know how I was, and thought enough time had elapsed. He thought his voicemail was "funny". Fair enough. But he's happy single, gloated about several things going on in his life (maybe not gloated, but it sure feels that way). I tried to be indifferent, but I suppose I take things personally.

 

I wanted to have my head on straight when I talked to him. I didn't. It wasn't horrible, but I let my hurt show through. I wish I had been more disinterested, but I was as I am...honest.

 

We chatted about half an hour, at which time I had no desire to ever speak to him again (though I didn't say this), so I told him to keep plugging away and tried to exit gracefully.

 

Needless to say I slept badly, but at least I know this thing is totally finished. I feel like we don't even speak the same language. I see him quite differently.

 

Well...that's it. My closure. Now there's no looking back.

 

glad to hear things went alright with you.

[Dorsay]

Hi Bambina,

 

How are you doing? I don't think there's anything wrong for you being honest or let your hurt show. Afterall, you're who you are. The whole no contact thing isn't a game or a power play for you. You didn't contact him for 2 months because you wanted to move on without him. It's just natural for you to show some emotions when you had contacts with him. Now you know that he belongs to your past, and you're closer to finding the right person. Enjoy your independence and have a great holiday!

[bambina maxima]

Thanks Dorsay. You're a pal.

 

I was pretty distraught for a couple of days, but I think it was a temporary thing. I ended up sending him a pretty long email the day after we chatted telling him what I was up to, because ultimately that's why he wanted to get in touch -- and I was so upset that I didn't really give him any idea of what's been up in my world (which has been quite active, really). So, I offered the olive branch and told him what's transpired, and I feel relatively at peace.

 

I haven't heard a response and don't expect to; the fantasy of him being the perfect man for me is finally demolished. I think he'll do alright, I think I'll do alright, and I'm content to go our separate ways now.

 

I think I'll be moving to a new city in january or february...either that or go abroad for a several months teaching English. Either way, I'm excited. My grad school applications are due soon and I am STRESSING like crazy, but it's a good thing. Wish me luck getting in.

 

Dorsay, I remember you saying you hoped to be on your feet and back to yourself by Christmas...so tell me...how are you doing? You seem well! It's good to hear from you...you were so supportive before. Thanks babe. You rock!!!

[Dorsay]

Just like you, I think I'm feeling relatively at peace right now. After talking to him, I don't feel hurt anymore. Although, there's an overwhelming sadness these days because the relationship really ended. If I'm egotistical, I should be glad because I was walking away from him again, but being egotistical or getting even wasn't what I wanted. Now I'm mourning for the loss of a relationship and a friend. I don't think I'll pursue a friendship with him for at least another year if not longer.

 

X'mas will be tough but I have a whole 2007 to work with. My runs are getting better than ever. My 10ks during the holidays are faster than his previous 10k time. Silly things like these please me.

 

I hope you will have fun during the holidays. I'm sure you'll have no problems with your school applicattion. You'll have so much fun going back to school, not to mention dating possibilities. It's always fun meeting new people in a new city or country. You'll have an awesome year. I bet you anything that next year around this time, you'll be asking yourself why you're losing sleep to this guy. Take care.