holiday booked with ex- should i go?

[jessicake]

My ex and i broke up 2 weeks ago. Before we broke up, we booked a package to go skiing in Japan for 2 weeks in January 28. It was pretty expensive and because it was a good deal, it is non refundable and non transferable.

 

I have not contacted him since the breakup. He checks up on me and I have been polite and civil. I saw him at a girlfriend's party and i smiled and small chatted with him and had a good time with my friends, and he seemed to have a good time with his friends- i always had a smile on my face, although sometimes it was forced.

 

I am not over him yet- it pained me to see him and i don't think he is over me yet either. But we both need to move on to see what's out there and to experience life. We were togehter for almost 3 years and we're only early twenties.

 

What should i do? Should i go or should i just forfeit $2000?

 

Thanks!

[laboheme]

What are your post-breakup feelings? You say it hurts to see him, but do you feel yourself turning into a teary-eyed mess around him because you miss him so much and want him back? If you do, then taking the trip may not be a good idea -- unless in the next month and a half you really think that you'll be okay spending time with him.

 

You also say that you think he's not quite over you yet and you broke up to see if the grass is greener? Not to be an unreasonable optimist here, but an experience like going to Japan together may help reconnect the two of you. Don't count on it though.

 

Also, if you go, how much time will you absolutely HAVE to spend with your ex if you don't want to? Yes, there's the flight...there's the room that you'll probably be sharing...But realistically, if the place you're going is a hotspot for tourists, you may be able to meet other people on the slopes to spend time with (or if you know Japanese, you'll be able to meet people anywhere!), and the same goes for him, so you might not even have to see him during the day! At night you can do some exploring on your own, as can he. You're not obliged to always go to the same restaurants and see the same sights together. However, I'm thinking as a person who likes to be independent and do things on her own -- I don't know if you're the same way and willing to just go and find something to do by yourself. But if you are, I don't think you should forfeit the trip.

 

Plus, you still have some time before the trip to see what your feelings are and what your interactions are with the ex...

[blender]

Have you discussed the trip with him at all? If you go, do you plan on being together on this trip?

 

This is a tough one, it's been a three year relationship, and now it's going through a major shift, and it's probably a good idea, if this guy is in his thirties and he hasn't made plans for marriage with you, (if that is indeed what you hoped for) well then he's no longer worthy of your energy...although I know that is so difficult for you to do after all the time together and a mutual group of friends forcing you to still "see" each other...

 

Going on the trip all depends on how you will handle the emoitonal part of the two of you away together as "buddies" this time and not as a "couple"...

 

If you make a choice to NOT go on the trip, just try calling the airline, and try talking to a ticket agent, and let them know that you broke up with your boyfriend.. I know, I know, it sound silly and it's a non-refundable ticket, but sometimes in matters of heartbreak, you'd be surprised how someone at a travel agency or getting someone on the phone from the airlines who might bend the rules, it just depends on who you are talking to from the ticket agency.

 

A friend of mine actually got a ticket agent to exchange her ticket after a breakup, it wasn't within policy but the lady found a loophole because she was so understanding and had her heart broken once as well.. so you just never know..

 

I guess it depends on if you want to still go with him and if he's told you he is still looking forward to going...

[jessicake]

Thanks for the replies guys.. laboheme, angry animator, you guys are right! i shouldn't let a breakup shortchange me of a trip i would have loved to go on..

 

We haven't really discused it other than on the day of the break up where we were like, yeah! we should go!! but then, he has shown signs that he doesn't want to go... but i was thinking that i might go by myself even if he doesnt... then he can forfeit the $2000 and i can go by myself!! although i will feel extremely hurt that he would rather lose 2k than to spend a week and a half with me!

 

We are both in our early twenties (21, 22) and we've never discussed marriage until when we broke up because he was not sure he could make a life commitment to me at this stage of his life. So i am not looking for a marriage in him (at the moment). i really believe that i would like to be friends!! (the optomist in me.)

 

I am going to try and get into seeing him as a friend in this month so that even if we go togehter, hopefully nothing will happen... there is defintely part of me that still wants to get back togehter with him, but i know that i shouldnt and don't want to hope!!

[Openheart1]

Who broke up with whom?

[candy604]

i had friends that were in the exact situation as you. broke up just before their booked trip to mexico. They still went as friends, had a great time. I wouldn't forfeit 2000 dollars.

 

Just wondering if marriage is not on your mind, we can't u both be together? just b/c ur together for a long time doesn't mean u'll get married

[jessicake]

openheart, he broke up with me.

 

my ex was a v. responsible kind of guy and he thinks that if its been 3 yrs and he still doesnt know for sure i'm the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he doesnt want to hold me down and make me 'wait' while i'm young and should b enjoying life and freedom.

 

candy 604, thats great to hear your friends had a good time.. did they go just as friends? and do you know if anything happened in mexico?

 

i am a bit worried because i dont awtn anything to happen whilst overseas in case wound gets cut deeper.

[Openheart1]

No easy answer, Jessica. Go, risk future pain and confusion. Don't go, waste $2000. If it were me, I would go, enjoy myself as much as I could and completely be honest with each other about what you expect from the trip. As you are no longer a couple, the loosey goosey "what do you feel like doing, honey" approach will not work. If you decide to go, you and him must work out a schedule of when you would have to spend time with one another so that neither one of you is caught of guard. In many respects, as emotions are still powerful, you must over-organize how you will interact with one another so that there will be no misunderstanding. If it comes down to it, if it would be too painful, just say to him that you are not interested in being with him very much during the trip and that you want to enjoy yourself. In effect, treat it as a business experience, because from what I see, money is involved and you two are not together. Do what YOU want to do, regardless of him. The both of you will have no ties to one another, thus no obligations to accommodate the other's needs. While I doubt this has helped a great deal, as it is pretty much common sense, I would say enjoy your trip.

[stormie1]

ask him for his half of the ticket and take a friend. If not, then if you go then you will be right back where you started with the break up and all the pain that comes with it. It won't be beautiful memories of Japan, it will be the trip from hell.

[Straightj06]

I have kinda the same problem but its just a night out to go see imogen heap, we booked it a while back and now we have finished i was on NC, but i broke it the other night when i rememberd about the gig. She said we will still go. We both have moved on so it wont be akward, but just make the most of it and try pick up some japanese guys xx

[Parsley]

I have had to go on holiday with an ex - we booked a student deal, so couldn't get a refund and couldn't transfer ticket names. We had to go to Paris for 5 days. The build up to going was awful, I didn't know if I'd be able to stand it. It was...3 months after we broke up, so I was over him, but it would still be difficult. However I found that, though sometimes being obviously seen as a couple smarted a little, I could bear it. If you're skiing, then you'll probably have a lot of opportunity to be apart from him. When we'd been out for a day we'd usually go back to our hotel and just sit and read or listen to music and stuff - we didn't talk a whole lot. It brought us closer as friends again, but it took a lot of strength to be in the most romantic city in the world with the guy I'd just broken up with. Take plenty of things to distract you with and spend time apart, and time together just being friendly. It can work - but you can't be hanging onto any hopes when you go.

 

xx

[jessicake]

Thanks for all the advice,.... the build up is awful.. your right..

 

he hasnt decided whether he wants to go or not... and if he doesnt, the holiday would be a constant reminder of how we're not anymore... its a bit crazy to go so far to ski and pick up japanese guys! i dont even kno how to speak japanese!!! i suppose theres no need for speech when theres body language involved!! ;D

 

but yeah..

 

i think that if he doesnt go, i dont know if i will go...

 

i dont know if i can handle it! i am not completely leg go yet even though i know the break up was for the best... when i know if we/me/him are going i will update you guys.