2 1/2 Year Relationship On Edge

[jreinert13]

Hello all,

 

I'm looking for advice and help in regards to my relationship. I don't really have someone I can go to about this in person so I'm hoping you guys can give me some support.

 

2 and half years ago I started seeing this girl at work. She was 17; I was 22...yea. Things started off great and we had this wonderful connection that we both didn't think was possible. The age difference and her youth was the only issue we really had to deal with but we both were determined to fight through it because of how close we were.

 

8 months into the relationship she started seeing this other guy which she was just passing off as a friend. After a couple of months of her and him seeing each other every once and a while she began to feel a pull towards him. Needless to say our relationship was fading for obvious reasons. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on at this time but I knew something was off and I wasn't being treated the same as before. This made me less approachable for her and she eventually broke up with me. Her reasons were she needed to explore and didn't want to be stuck in a long relationship (she was also going off to university in a couple of months). I was somewhat content with this break up at the time because I felt it had to happen (I was so close to breaking up with her around that time anyway). But a couple of days later I started to feel that the breakup just wasn't going to last. We fooled around the next time we saw each other and another week later we talked and got back together.

What I found out from her 7 months later :

The day after she broke up with me she went out with the other guy. They started to get real close and she said she realized that what was happening was wrong and she made a mistake. She thought that she had a much better future with me than this other guy. She left abruptly from this date with this guy.

 

So we started seeing each other again (nearly everyday like before) and things were once again great between us. We started preparing for her move to university (5 hours away from me). Around this time we started express our love to each quite often ("i love you" 's and what not). I visited her as much as I could and we had wonderful weekends together.

 

A couple of months later I started to notice a difference in her again. It came to a point where she was not able to say I love you anymore and I knew something was up again. After a couple of weeks of bad talks and weird tension between us I eventually just shot out at her that I knew something was going on between one of her friends. At this moment she then confessed to me everything that happened the time we broke up. Desipte the suspicions I had : this was the first time I knew what was really going on. I also got her to explain why it seemed to happening again and after a couple of days of arguing and discussing she finally admitted that she was once again torn between to two of us; but she still wanted to stay with me.

This devastated me more than anything else in my life and I found myself depressed for over a week. She then started telling me that I was the once she loved and not him and we were going to work things out. Another important thing is she also said she had no intention of stopping her friendship with this other guy (even though I had never asked that of her). Shortly after she returned for the christmas holidays and we had a great 2 weeks together.

 

She still continued to talk to this guy. I was constantly getting nervous about things and would continuingly catch her with little lies about what they were talking about or what had happened in the past between them. Time and time again I would start to sense things heading in the direction they had before between them. When I'd mention this she'd break down and I would feel guilt for being jealous and paranoid. This situation has continued to this day. I find myself incredibly insecure about our relationship and it affects me and us time and time again. When I get nervous I'm not the same fun loving guy she loves. There are just so many things she mentions or does that suggest her wanting this guy from time to time.

After school, she came back to live with me. She also decided to attend school in this city.

 

In the last couple of months I have actually met this guy. It was something I wanted to do and something me and her felt was right. Me and him get along great and I was very good in easing the tension very quickly. Recently, my girlfriend had a birthday with her friends and our housemates. She was obviously drunk and having a great time but started to get touchy-feely with this guy. Desipte me knowing she gets like that with everyone when she's in this mode : it bothered me and I became quiet and distant with her towards the end of the night.

Her birthday didn't end to well as a result. We talked about the whole thing the next day.

 

I'm just completely lost on what I am supposed to do with all of this (I know it was a lot sorry). I constantly get feelings of resentment towards her, feelings of fear about us and fear of being hurt. This all affects me and our relationship greatly and it's the only real issue between us.

What I do know is that I love her more than anything in this world. She also shown she loves me. Aside from this problem we are so good together and we make each other better persons. We get along with each other families so well and we can talk about a long future between us quite often. She has told me that she understands why I get so moody about the whole situation and that she probably would never be able to stay with me if the situation was reversed. She also does not want to stop talking with this other guy because she has a strong connection with him and she wants to stay friends. This all seems unfair to me and I question my ability to handle it all. I want the best of everything. I want us all to get along but these damn feelings of insecurity keep popping up.

[heartlessromantic]

This is rough.

 

I'm of the opinion that people have to be stronger with their boundaries, especially since you have legitimate reason to be a little insecure about her and this guy being so close.

 

Honestly - and maybe this is a bit harsh - if you guys are supposed to have a serious relationship, she should cut off contact with this guy. First off, even if he is a good friend, he is more than a friend. She has admitted as much, so there is no reason for her to stay in touch with this guy and no reason for her to feel like she needs to tell little lies about it.

 

If you guys don't work this out, this will be a continual thorn in your side and will lead to more relationship troubles.

[treefrogkate]

I agree with heartlessromantic. She needs to decide whether her "friendship" with the guy is worth breaking your heart.

 

As a girl with a lot of guy friends, I can honestly say that I can get flirty sometimes. But if there was ever an issue and my boyfriend asked me not to see a particular guy again, I wouldn't. He means too much to me.

 

Perhaps there is a compromise: since you get along with him so well, why not ask her not to see him alone anymore and take you along with her when she sees him?

[Aurian]

There is history between the two of them, and she continously is tempted by this guy. If the history was HISTORY, done and buried, then I would think that exs can be friends, but in this case...? I don't think it works. She is attracted to him still and spending time with him and being evasive is hurting your relationship and your trust in her.

 

If she is really serious about wanting to make your relationship work, I think she should see this guy a lot less, maybe only when you're around as a previous poster suggested. Have you tried talking to her about it? Explaining how you feel about the situation?

[jreinert13]

Sorry for the lack of response but I've been busy with everything these days..

 

Recently, we had another discussion about how things are affecting me in regards to her friendship with this guy and she stated she'd stop talking to him (not too sure how sincere it was though). Me, being the guy I am, refused this. Despite it having huge effects on both of us: I don't want her to lose someone she cares about. I also believe she'd just end up resenting me for this. I believe I can fight through this and told her as long as things are kept on proper terms (them only being friends) I would be able to get over the whole issue. I did put her in a position in which everything was dependant on her staying true to our relationship..this is because it's the truth.

 

Soon after she was back talking to him like it things were normal so I really am not sure how sincere her offer was although I'm glad she mentioned it since in the past it was "He is going nowhere" - this was said without me ever mentioning her to stop seeing him (I never have).

 

Tonight, she's off to hang out with him again because he just finished exams or whatever. I have to admit, I'm still shaken by this (and other * * * *ty things going on) so I will do my best to distract myself from thinking about it.