When will the feelings stop?

[bleeding]

As I've said before, I've been treated pretty badly by all sorts of people growing up. Some ppl tend to want to pick on those who seem lonelier, more isolated, weaker, or less well-groomed, I think in order to make themselves feel better.

 

Well, it has gotten to the point that I carry these feelings of rejection, isolation, aloneness, fear, and despair even when I AM accepted. I tend to act like a little social outcast, shrinking into myself, ignoring people in group situations, telling myself I don't belong and that no one likes me, no one remembers me, no one wants to be around me, no one will be friends with me, I have no friends, I will never have any friends etc. ETC.

 

It's taken me all these years to realize that, now it's ME who's rejecting myself firsthand before anyone else does. I think it must have started out as a subconscious way for me to protect myself from harm, but in effect it has now kept me isolated, feeling low self-worth, and unable to connect with even GOOD people. Sure, some people are just manipulative, deceiving users but I have a hard time in general even around people I think are nice or genuine. So it is really an internal problem.

 

When people say hi to me, are friendly, give me gifts, I still send myself these negative messages and I have some strong fears that men are out to sexually abuse me. AHHHHHH! Will the feelings that hold me back and don't protect me ever go away?

 

Just thought I would vent this all out for clarity and to help me speed up my healing process.

[Alabama]

I know how you feel. When I was a kid, I was made fun of, picked last on the team and developed an inferiority complex. I'm still trying to heal. High School was actually good as it allowed me to make a fresh start. Yet even in College, I still find it hard to at times to really allow myself to be "connected" with people. I've developed friends and even my old "enemies" have become friends, but these weird thoughts still creep into my mind that things aren't settled as I wish them to be. All I can say is that it takes time for these things to settle. I'm getting there, but even after 6 yrs, it still feels I have a ways to go. Hang in there.

[Juliana]

Look, I was well into my 30's before I found that I had forgiven my old bullies from school. Have you thought about taking an assertiveness training course? It's surprisingly effective at undoing alot of the harm we bring on ourselves by not communicating clearly with others, and imagining what they might be thinking, or how they might react negatively. If that wouldn't be sufficient, you might consider cognitive-behaviour therapy; because this is a very clear-cut issue with a clear-cut right/wrong answer, CBT can very quickly turn your thinking around so that the negative answers you feed yourself in regard to social situations are moderated or eliminated.

 

I understand wanting to increase self-esteem and get rid of the negative hang-over from being bullied; I think that being proactive about it as you are will help alot.

[RelaxByWater84]

Yeah, Bleeding, I know what it is like. I am not like a lot of people around me however they accept me.

 

I isolated myself a lot in high school. I had friends but I just felt like I couldn't be apart of their life. Its a wonder they still are friends with me after the way I was in high school.

 

I've learned to accept myself and a lot of people around me and things are great right now.

[silentalways]

MY 2 CENTS

 

i can totally relate and the funny part is that most people that know me would never think of me that way. i am usually seen as a ultra confident, fearless, social butterfly that has no problems in any situation when for the most part i have the same normal anxious and nervous feelings as everyone else - and, in fact, it wasn't until i 'blew a tire' during my last relationship did i realize that i had learned behaviours from my past [self protection - self esteem] that were actually 'harming' my interactions with others. so, for the longest time, my protective shield had 'blinded' me to what i was actually doing - and becoming aware of that allowed me to 'see' the triggers that 'start' the bad behaviours and stomp them out and start being in and enjoying healthy relationship and change the people i associate with. why would i want to hang out with druggies and boozers when i could go to a play with a hottie? duh!

 

i finally get it