Double Affairs

[Whissper]

I'm not sure if i'm seeking advice, need to write this out or just show that life is not just black,and white or right and wrong. Six months ago my wife of 20 years told me she was in love with a friend of long standing and wanted my permission to have sex with him. She said that because we had had a few threesomes twenty years ago that she felt that I would not be that bothered by it. Our's was the primary relationship and that would not be hurt by this. Needless to say I was set a bit back. Sex in itself was not what bothered me but the fact that this friend was fullfilling an emotional hole that I could not. She said she did not mean to fall in love with him, it had just happened and after all she did not go behind my back. After a month or so of my being angry I guess I just got tired of it all. I told her to do what she needed to do but I would not be sitting home with the kids all the time (12 & 14). My best friend at work (female) and I have always been attracted to each other, being mostly an honest person I told my wife What I was considering. She said "be careful and don't let it affect or own relationship". Let me back up by saying that due to my wifes job and heavy involvment with her church (Wiccan) our joint interests had pretty much dissolved...I did my thing, work and helping with the kids and house and visiting a few close friends once in a while. Our joint activities were holidays, the kids and sex. Sound familiar anyone? Well.....my friend and I became involved but due to respect or just the fear of hurting each other we have never slept together, the emotional part of this affair though takes a different road all together. Right or wrong over a six month period we have realized what should have been short and sweet has changed....in short we had fallen in love. My marriage wasn't the greatest by any means. I think when she told me of her friend in the beginning that it had caused more damage than I knew, there were things that no longer bothered me that would have before. In ways I just didn't care anymore. Yet, I saw that under certain circumstances things can happen that may not otherwise. As it stands My friend and I have separated...not willingly but out of the pain and frustration of not being able to provide the other of what we both want and need.....which is each other.

If I left my marriage to be with her the guilt to us both would doom us from the start, If my marriage ends it cannot be due to our involvment. My marriage is still pretty shakey but I do my best to see where it goes from here. Like I said, it's not all black and white.....sometimes you fall into the grey.

[heartlessromantic]

Would you have pursued your the affair with your friend if your wife had not told you about her emotional infidelity?

 

I don't know.... sometimes I think it's so easy to say that life is not black and white but marriage seems pretty black and white to me, unless it was an open marriage from the beginning.

 

It takes a rare breed of person to be in an open relationship and maybe you and your wife have a more liberal relationship but at the same time you were obviously very hurt by her revelation.

 

I think that sometimes unhappiness comes from an internal conflict of wanting to be tolerant, progressive, liberal, modern, or whatever and not being honest with what you really want.

 

I've recently decided to stop playing that game with myself. Who cares about pushing your boundaries, testing your own comfort level, trying to be openminded or progressive - if it is not who I am or how I feel? I want a committed, exclusive relationship with a partner who is as equally dedicated to protecting it as I am and I won't settle or try to adapt to something different. I want to be happy at heart, not happy on paper.

[Whissper]

since I didn't regard it as an open marriage after 20 yrs of being faithful, no, I would not have. marriage, except in a box without interaction with others and without any outside influences is rarely cut and dry. Infidelity the same.

Not all infidelity is because one partner sneaks around, **** happens, people change as does everything around us. Just wanted to show a different view of what happens and maybe why....sometimes there is nothing to blame except change itself.

 

Thanks

Whissper

[heartlessromantic]

Actually, your story rings true with some books I've recently read about emotional infidelity. Friendships outside marriages can have a slippery slope and it's up to each individual to build walls as necessary to keep **** from happening.

 

I didn't mean to sound harsh. I understand how it is to be caught in the middle. A few times in my life I've found myself struggling with values that I thought I held dear. Though for the most part my values have always won out, I understand how easy it can be to go the other way. Wrong or right do get blurred in the moment or under tough circumstances.

 

Take care and good luck with everything.

[kermit]

I had the same problem, although my wife isn't a um, witch. Is that the right term? Anyhow I got invloved with a friend, like you, my marriage was like yours, and it was slightly physical but mainly emotional.

 

We ended up taking a several month break with no contact so we could evaluate our marraiges with another person in the picture.

 

It is very difficult to do, but I would recommend it. You could wreck your marriage, and the guilt and association with the other woman will doom that relationship too.

 

If you send me a private message I could share more details. I think we are in the same boat.