She needs space. Now what?

[dnozzle]

I have been seeing a woman for the last year. She is a divorced mother of 2 and lives in another state. We started talking online at first, then on the phone, and after 4 months of daily talking, we decided to meet. All the sparks where there, and things started to progress rapidly.

 

We have had all the talks you can imagine about marriage, family, and our future together. We even met each other's parents. But in the last month, things headed south. She began to seem detached. She would not be around to talk as often, or for as long. I know that she has a very busy life. She is a single mother, working full time, and has a lot going on in her life right now between work and family issues. This is seriously stressing her out, so I tried not to make too much of it. She has always been very apologetic of not being able to give me more time, even when I wasn't asking for more.

 

I made the mistake of telling her that I felt like she was pulling away from me. When we do talk, it is about work or something superficial without much real talking going on like we used to have. Well, this upset her and she said that she doesnt feel like she can give me the time or attention that i deserve. She told me that she needs a break, and doesn't know for how long, because she feels pulled in a hundred different directions and no one in her life is getting the attention they deserve, even her kids. So for now she is focusing on work and being with her kids. She told me that she wants to be with me, and can hardly wait for that day to come, but waiting is hard and she feels like she is about to crack from all the pressures on her right now.

 

I am not sure what to make of this. I do know that she is really stressed right now. Part of it is the holidays, and part of it is the anniversary of the breakup of her marriage. I want to give her the space she needs, but I am afraid of her slipping away. I really do love her and want to be with her forever, but I also don't want to run her off by being too needy.

 

Advice?

[heartlessromantic]

How long has she been divorced? She may not be completely emotionally ready for a serious relationship. You are talking about marriage and a future together and she is still trying to come to terms with her divorce.

 

She seems to care about you and try to make some time for you despite her busy life. I think your best bet is to be supportive and let her know you are there for her without imposing on her time. You don't want to add more stress to her life than she already has... The whole thing was probably just moving too fast for her.

[maladjusted]

my suggestion is to give her the space and time she needs. i know it might be hard for you right now but in the long run if yall truly love each other yall will come back together. she obviously has a lot on her plate right now and you need to let her have her space and tell her you understand. the more you push the more she will pull away. i also agree with heartlessromantic in that things might be moving a little to fast for her.

[dnozzle]

4 months before we started talking.

 

I know. That is not long enough. We even talked about that fact, and the rebound possibility, and she assured me that I was being very silly to think that she would ever do that. She has said all along (still does even) that she is head over heels for me...but that waiting is hard.

 

We have reasons for waiting. There are things each of us are working on so that we can start off together on a better footing, but I offered to toss those aside and move now if that is what it takes for us to be together. Unfortunately, that doesn't help her current state of being pulled in many directions.

 

Do things like this pass in time? Or are we doomed?

 

I am terrified of not contacting her. All my dreams of the past 6 months now seem to be hanging by a thread, and I do not want to let them go.

[maladjusted]

dnozzle,

i kind of went through the same things with some of the same thoughts. i have attached my thread so maybe you can get some insight to my problem which is similar to yours and maybe read the advice i was given.

 

also, my ex (yes my ex) because i couldn't take the limited contact. i care for her deeply so i chose to let her go because i wanted all or nothing and couldn't take the limited contact thing. i thought it was better to give both of us the total freedom we both deserve in order to get ourselves together. when i broke up with her i told her that when or if she wanted to try it again for her to contact me and we can see where we are at. anyway each relationship is different so i don't suggest maybe going to my extreme but you do need to do what is right for you. hope this helps!

[heartlessromantic]

dnozzle -

 

You don't necessarily have to stop contact, just don't make demands on her time. Send her an email once a week to let you know how you are doing and ask about her. Send her a Christmas card. Stuff like that. But don't wait around on chat all day for her, go "invisible" mode if you can, and don't bombard her with emails. If she replies to an email, wait a few days and then reply. Basically, be there for her but don't stress her out, don't let her associate you with a chore.

 

I have also dated somebody coming out of a serious relationship and it does take time. Unfortunately, nothing you can do will speed up the process. If you really feel something for this woman, then just be patient. If you feel like you can't wait, then don't really stay in touch and try to move on.

[dnozzle]

thank you all for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I am home now, and can give more backgroung on what happened.

 

First off, I do believe, truly believe, that she loves me and wants to be together. She has been saying for a while that she is getting stressed, but she has always been a bit high strung in that department so i didnt take it as the warning sign I should have. Anyway, as she got more stressed, she bagan to pull back more and more.

 

The stress comes from many places. Her work is getting insane lately, and is starting to involve some short travel. That means she has to juggle babysitting favors and be gone from home and the kids. Also, she doesn't sleep as well when she is on the road. She also has some financial issues from her ex, and is struggling to pay off her half of his debt. Because of this, she is living with her parents again, with her kids, which has its own stress involved. The parents push her to be hard on the ex and take him to the cleaners on child support, but she is more level headed, and realizes that if she straps him too bad, he will just quit his job and move off. Plus, she doesnt want the kids to think they hate each other, so she is the one doing the work to keep things amicable between them.

 

Throw in the holidays, and the first anniversary of her finding out that he cheated on her while he was away for 2 years (occupational), and it seems to add up to a healthy dose of stresss/depression. She described it as wanting to get in the car and just head off to canada. I asked if she meant without me, and she replied "I mean without the kids too!" She said she needs some time to just get up, go to work, come home, take care of the kids, and go to bed and get some decent sleep. Her concern was that she does not know how long it will take her to feel better, and feels terrible about making me wait around for her with an indefinite timeline.

 

She tried to break up with me over this, because I had said in the past that I do not believe in breaks. I meant breaks where you are free to see other people though, and not this kind of break. She said that I deserve better than a GF who has breakdowns like this and asks for no contact to get her s**t together, and that she wants me to be happy. She said that if I decided to wander off on her, she would not blame me, but that she hopes she can find her way back to me before my heart is broken.

 

I really don't know quite what to make of it. I have had periods of depression before, and know how she is feeling, but I am also wrestling with her having the ability to walk away from someone she was planning a future with. I think the comment about leaving the kids behind shows that she is just in a bad place right now and needs to crawl her way out.

 

Still, it is so hard to not try to comfort her in some way. I know that would only make things worse though, and would delay any possible future contact.

 

It just sucks. We are so damn good together. And we both agree on that.

[racerX]

I agree with the advice youve been given. The best thing you can do for both of you right now is to just back away. Let her know you will be there for you if she needs you but otherwise i would suggest complete NC. As hard as that will be, the alternative will be worse, trust me. I hung in there for 2 months after our breakup (similar situation - she was recently separated - i'm feeling very rebounded-upon these days) being available whenever she called, driving myself crazy trying to read between the lines of everything she said, trying to supress my own emotions and be her support when she needed it. I wanted so much to believe that just keeping even limited contact was enough to make her see what we had. Well, in the end, even though i thought i was doing the right thing and protecting whatever chance we had in the future by being available to her, out of the blue i get a text message saying she was with someone else and she loved him and she thought we should no longer talk. while i was killing myself trying to protect our future together, she was busy destroying our past. Now i would find it hard to go back again, even if she did want to. Have as much faith in her as her actions warrant, but protect yr heart at the same time. The best you can do is find some real distance for yourself, if only for a while. Good luck.

[dnozzle]

I want to thank you all for you comments. I woke up this morning after yet another sleepless night and almost emailed her, but I read the comments here first and decided not to.

 

I have decided to give this until Christmas, and then I will move on. We had a visit scheduled over New Years, and if she doesn't keep that, that will be all the sign I need that things are truly over. Until then, I will just try to be patient and give her space. Hoping for the best but trying to prepare for the worst.

[papalazarou]

As Superdave says when they say they need spsace THEY NEED SPACE.

 

Give them wall the space they want. No Contact.

[dnozzle]

I really don't understand some people. I see people posting here who are the ones who asked for NC, and yet now they are the ones tormented by it. How exactly does that happen? I think if you ask for no contact in hopes of changing the other person into something they are not, then you are just being manipulative and giving ultimatums.

 

That actually gives me a little bit of hope, since my NC situation was not because of "us" but because she had too much on her plate. Not a lot of hope, but still hope. She did not ask me for anything, other than to be happy.

[papalazarou]

I really don't understand some people. I see people posting here who are the ones who asked for NC, and yet now they are the ones tormented by it. How exactly does that happen? I think if you ask for no contact in hopes of changing the other person into something they are not, then you are just being manipulative and giving ultimatums.

 

I would agree thereforeeee the best NC is to just do it instead of announcing it. Also by announcing it you are effectively saying "I dont want to see you again" which kind of defeats the object.

 

If after a period of NC they really want you or care for you then they WILL make contact. Hopefully by then you will be strong enough to deal with it having been healed sufficiently.

 

If they say why havent I heard from you, you can say "I was just giving you the space you said you wanted" I believe they will respect that.

 

 

That actually gives me a little bit of hope, since my NC situation was not because of "us" but because she had too much on her plate. Not a lot of hope, but still hope. She did not ask me for anything, other than to be happy.

 

 

I believe there is hope. I had something similar so I took a step back (kind of forced to because she was pushing me away) and it seems to be working with me not being in her face.

[Survictor]

By witholding your calls, witholding affection etc., you are playing games in order to win are you not? If you are playing a game in order to satisfy your own desires and part of that game is to go NC, then surely you or she is not ready for this relationship? If you go NC, it should be because you want to and not because you have an ulterior motive.

[dnozzle]

By witholding your calls, witholding affection etc., you are playing games in order to win are you not? If you are playing a game in order to satisfy your own desires and part of that game is to go NC, then surely you or she is not ready for this relationship? If you go NC, it should be because you want to and not because you have an ulterior motive.

 

 

That is my point. There was no ulterior motive, or desire to change the other person in my case. She just had way too much on her plate and did not have time to devote to the relationship right now, so she went NC for a while. Had she said "I want NC until you are able to...." then THAT would have been manipulative, and I would have dropped her like a turd. But she made it clear that this was because of her having too much going on right now, and feeling like she was about to crack from all the pressure from many different sources. Basically, she cut out everything but the essentials of life, leaving only work and her kids on the table at this time.

[dnozzle]

Oh, I also forgot to add that I did hear from her a week ago (1.5 weeks into NC) and she thanked me for being so patient with her, and said that she is sleeping a little better and that has her feeling optimistic.

 

I'm not sure that is how I am feeling about it, but I am trying to just concentrate on other things and not think about this too much.

[ImThatGirl]

Wow.... I read your posts and feel like you could easily be talking about me. Obviously you're not. I have two children as well and adding a relationship on top of my other responsibilities is sometimes overwhelming.

 

I understand what she is going through completely.

 

I don't think No Contact should even be considered. I think little tidbits of conversation like a text msg, phone call, or email to say hello, i'm thinking of you, hello have a beautiful day, hello you are beautiful and strong... Anything to put a little smile on her face is a good idea. Don't go overboard but don't fade away. If she wants you to go away, she will tell you.

 

I'm curious - You live in different states. Can she even move out of state? Or do you plan on moving there.?

[dnozzle]

I'm curious - You live in different states. Can she even move out of state? Or do you plan on moving there.?

 

 

Because of child custody issues, it is harder for her to move out of state. We only live 350 miles apart, so the travel is not that big of a barrier right now, but it is more about time issues on her end. Babysitters, "alone" time, etc.

 

The plan was for me to move there when I finished school in a year and a half. We were almost halfway there.

 

I have been trying to send small messages here and there, but I don't want her to feel stalked either. 2 days after the NC, I sent her an online birthday card (it really was her bday that day) that simply said "missing you." Then a week later, I sent her one email that said "I love you." She replied with "I know, babe." and some other info about her feeling a little better. I replied to that a day later, and haven't heard anything from her in nearly a week now.

 

The only contact I have planned is to go ahead and send her christmas present to her, and a couple homemade items I had promised to send to her parents when we met. After that, I will drop it.

 

I really do want this to work out. I fell in love not only with her, but with the future we were planning together. But I think she knew me better than I knew myself, and knew that going through this unknown period would be harder for me than just being cut loose. I really do think that is why she tried to do that. To spare me.

[dnozzle]

And in case there was any doubt, yes, I met her 2 kids and fell for them too. I had really bagun to think of us as a family.

[ImThatGirl]

That's what I figured about the distance / custody / she probably can't easily leave the state.

 

I'm wondering about specifics - anything that you can think of?

 

Were you clear with her that you would not mind moving there? You are in schooling then?

 

I just want to say not to lose all hope. I'm sure she feels terrible that she can't offer you more right now.

[ImThatGirl]

She's panicking. For some reason.... Most likely too many pressures at one time.

[dnozzle]

I'm wondering about specifics - anything that you can think of?

 

Were you clear with her that you would not mind moving there? You are in schooling then?

 

I just want to say not to lose all hope. I'm sure she feels terrible that she can't offer you more right now.

 

 

What kind of specifics are you looking for? Specific stresses? Or what?

 

I do know that she has always felt bad for not being able to give me more time to talk. When we started out, they had joint custody and we would talk for 5 or 6 hours a night. But sure enough, he started to flake on her, and they went to every other weekend, so her time became limited. I understood this completely, but still the lack of time really began to add up. By the time the kids were fed, bathed, played with, and in bed, she was exhausted and ready for bed herself, so the best I could hope for was about 15 min a day before she nodded off. Weekends were worse because she stays busy AND her parents are home. On the weekends she doesnt have the kids (which is actually about 1 a month in practice), she usually goes out with her friends, which turns into an all-night party that affects her sleep for days and thus, makes her unavailable then too.

 

I have been ok with this though. I know she is having a rough time and didn't want to make it rougher. I only asked that we spend more QUALITY time together rather than quantity. Time actually talking about stuff other than what we had for lunch today.

 

As for moving, the first few months we left it up in the air, but it quickly became apparent that her ex would fight any move out of state, so I said immediately that I would move there when the time came. That was never a question. We even looked at general areas of town with good school districts when I was there.

 

Oh one thing that she did say, but did not elaborate on, was that she was not as ready for me to meet her parents as she thought she was. She said she was sorry because she knows that meant a lot to me, but it freaked her out a little bit.

[heartlessromantic]

I think you just need to slow it down and let her dictate the pace. I think from what you've written it is evident she cares about you but a person can only handle so much change at once.

 

Remember, she just got out of a marriage. She is no doubt a little jaded and emotionally worn out. Do not make too many demands on her. Do not make demands for "quality" time. The last thing she needs is more relationship talk right now.

 

She needs levity. Be that bright light for her. Make her laugh and smile.

 

I know you have needs but you are sabotaging yourself if you make too many demands on her and she ends up associating you with stress. If you care about this woman, be patient and kind to her. It might be a bit unfair because you have needs too, but her hectic life and the corresponding stress is not going to magically go away. Be patient and be the thing in her life that makes her smile instead of worry.

[dnozzle]

I want to call her so bad.

 

This just sucks.

 

Somebody please give me some good reason why calling is a very bad idea.

 

please.

[blender]

Dnozzle, it's normal that you "want" to call her, but try to be honest with yourself, what "good" will come from contacting her right now? I know you are having the urge and desperate moments of wanting to contact her, but just "feel those feelings" do NOT choose to re-act to them.

 

You are still hurting, and you're disappointed, but these feelings will pass. No ex is worthy of all this energy you are spending..if they are not making an intentionally loving effort to make it work, then there is nothing to talk about right now with her.

 

YOU have to have the self respect to require, committment, love, loyality, clarity of intention, for your own heart. She is not ready to give you any of these things right now.. so instead of "resisting" and torturing yourself with "perfect memories of moments with her" treasure those memories, and know that you will love again, and in time it may even be with her... just try to be in "accpetance" of what actually is right now.

 

A mature emotionally healthy relationship takes two people who are intentionally making an effort to work it out with each other, and right now she's not willing to make that effort, so do NOT call her.. give this some time... one day at a time.. I know you are hurting, but as they say:

 

"In life, heartache is inevitable but suffering is a choice"

 

Try to accept that you will be sad for awhile, that's part of taking a risk on love.. it's part of the whole journey, keep walking forward.. and if your paths are meant to cross again, she knows how to get a hold of you...

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

I want to call her so bad.

 

This just sucks.

 

Somebody please give me some good reason why calling is a very bad idea.

 

please.

 

Because right now man you are desperate. You might say something and she'll take it as suffocating her. Women want men to show then that you can be a MAN. Remember a relationship should never be your complete happiness your SO can only add to the wonderful life you already have. I know it is hard but you need to let her take the iniative. Remember she is the one confused not you, you know what you want! So let her figure it out.