My Parents Have Dis-owned My For There Problems I Have No One

[hayden]

A friend of my suggested that I try these forms for support or maybe even some advice. So here is what is going on in my life, excuse me if this gets to be long winded.

I just turned 30 a few months ago, a week before my birthday I walked into my mom and dads house, they are still married at this time I thought we were a very close family I went to there house 5 days a week to eat with them to spend time with them (I also have a 9 year old who adores them to death) we live close to each other so spending almost everyday was a normal thing – well, on this particular day my mom was visibly upset, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said that someone was trying to blackmail her – ( a year before all of this my mom and dad were having tons of issues in the marriage and I thought that it had to do with that) so when I asked her to tell me, who it was and what was going on she looked at me and said ……” I had a baby 38 years ago and gave her up for adoption, and now she wants to blackmail me” - needless to say I was in shock when she told me, but I love my mother and supported I had to problem adjusting to this. She sat my down and said that she (my sister had found her about a year ago) at that time my mom still had not told me and really to be honest did not want anything to do with her. Very sad, I know. In the email My sister said that she would like to get to know her brother and sister, after all we are 100% biological, my mom and dad married I think 2 years after they had her. My mom wanted me to call her and tell her that I am happy with my life and can not do this, so I did. But then after I did that and left thing clam down I called her back – I let her know that this was about her and I and not to involve my mom if something was to come about that, then great, if she wanted to get to know her sister.. me, that I am open to it. – On a side note, the day that I found out, my dad was not home he know that I know.. and the next day when I went back to there house, this “situation” was never mentioned to me again, my dad never said a word to me and no one asked me how I felt once I had processed the feeling. I also have a older brother – we never got along, I do not know why but he has always hated me. He does not know about our sister. He was not as close to my mom and dad as I was, also they never told a single sole, none of there family members know about this as well (so for me that was a lot to take in)

Ok, that’s just a little bit of the back ground. Here is the problem my mom saw an email from my sister, all it said was “hi, how are you?” she flipped out, she called me and told how mad she was and that I was not welcome at her house anymore. That was 3 months ago. I yet have to her from her, they never called me on thanksgiving, I have NO NO family what so ever right now all for the reason I wanted to get to know someone. I only live 2 mins away from them and this is killing me. I have no clue what to do anymore, I miss them but I am more mad at this at this point, how could they walk away from me too? And after 30 years? I just do not get it. I am sad.

After all of these issue, I have noticed other that have come about, I am not close to my dad, and have never heard him tell me that he loves me but I guess that is a different story, I think I will just leave it at that, if there are more questions, please ask.. I just was trying to get this out there to see if ANYONE has a similar situation and what they have done

 

Thanks for reading.. !!

[Beec]

I think you need to try and talk to your parents. If you want to bridge that gap, give it a shot.

 

You can give a half-hearted apology.

 

I see nothing wrong with wanting to know this sibling of yours, but you also need to think about her black-mailing your parents and how they might have wanted to leave it in their past. It's not so much you did something wrong, but that you did something that hurt them.

 

Welcome to enotalone. Please stick around.

[chigal28]

This is pure speculation, and I have never been in a situation similar to yours, but one thing did pop into my head as I was reading your post--is it possible that your parents are so freaked out by the blackmail thing that they think your sister's contact with you, no matter how short or harmless, might lead you to align yourself with her against them?

 

They are probably VERY shocked and disconcerted right now, as are you...maybe you could call them and say that THEY are your priority, that you would never choose her over them, and that you want to sit down with them and talk about how this new development in their lives affects them and see what you can do to help.

 

If you want to develop some kind of relationship with your sister, that's understandable, too...but it sounds like your lack of contact with your parents is really hurting you, and that's what I would focus on right now. Get things right with them again, let some time go by, and then reassess.

[Siriana]

First, you did nothing wrong by deciding to get to know your sister better. I think it says a lot about you - how good person are you.

Also I am wondering - what kind of blackmail are they talking about? Is your sister blackmailing them or is this a product of their minds. Have you find out what is it all about - from your parents and your sister (to have both views would be great)?

 

Well when it comes to your family - what can you actually do?

They are having a big pink elephant in the room and everyone tries to ignore it.

So after you decided to tell them: "hey we have a big pink elephant in the room" they flipped out: "how dare you telling us we have a big pink elephant in our room? If we continue pretending he's not there maybe he will disappear."

 

Now seriously, pink elephants aside, maybe she needs some time to accept this situation (your mom).

 

Have you tried calling her? if not give it a shot, and if you sense she's up to a talk explain her how you support her in her wish not to contact her child but also explain to her how it means a lot to you personally her understanding why you want to meet your sister.

 

If you tried to contact her and she's still not interested in seeing you - maybe after some time she comes to her senses. At least because she'll be interested in seeing her grandchildren.

 

What if she stays persistent? Well what can you actually do - nothing. You are grown up so in that case you'll have to accept it. It will be hard (as your parents died) but not impossible.

[southerngirl]

I am so sorry you are going through this, how painful!

 

I do know what its like to be cutoff it hurts like a sharp knife strait to your soul. Was my grandfather, it hurt like hell... In 2002, he told me he didnt want me, didnt love me, that I never was his. OUCh. Who can know why he did that and for months and months I tried to speak to him, he wouldnt. He recently died and that hurts. But nothing I can do to change it. It was his problem and his coldness, not mine...

 

I can understand wnating to know your sister. She is your sister even if your mom doesnt want to know her. I also wonder how on earth she would be blackmailing anyone? Maybe she feels hurt that her parents rejected her or gave her a way not once,,, but again years later... Probally pretty painful.

 

I think that your parents are just upset because they wanted to try to pretend it never happened, what they truly did to their first born. The secret they kept because they dont want to tarnish their reputation.

 

Lets hope that she comes to her senses and lets go of the anger shes feeling toward you right now. I think your mom knows she is wrong from the get go even if she doesnt want to face it.

 

Please stick around the forum, I have found it to be a great support over this past year.

[Juliana]

I also question the blackmail thing; people who've given up children sometimes imagine that those kids will come back for "revenge." In fact, the kids come back looking for the loving relationship they imagine all natural children have with their natural parents, and blackmail is the furthest thing from their minds. I think if you'd enquire from your parents as to what they are talking about, you would have gotten alot of rampant speculation, and nothing else.

 

This is a control issue, pure and simple. You are doing something they do not like, and they have disowned you for it. They may imagine that you are judging them, or they may have projected their own self-disgust at what they did onto you, and now can disown it by disowning you; whatever their rationale or reasons, the fact that they are doing this is simply wrong. It is wrong, morally, and you should not cave into it.

 

Continue contacting them in whatever way works for you. Leave messages about important or interesting events in your life. Email with chatty news. Send Christmas cards. Do not hope for or expect a reply. Eventually they may give in and open contact with you again; my feeling is they will never want to discuss the issue of your sister. Or they may continue to hate you as a substitute for hating their own selfishness. Do not make their mental problems your problems as well; you must live your life doing what you consider to be the right thing, and I think you are.

[hayden]

WOW - this place and all your advice is helpful! Thank you, I will have to share the info with my friends and thank him for pointing me here! It was in my moms head, the blackmail thing, when my sister (I would rather not use her name) emailed my mom it was one year from the day that she found her. At the time that my sister found my mom, they talked and my mom answered all medical question that she may have and at that time, my mom also said that she went on to have too other kids, a boy and a girl (me) needless to say my sister must have been blown away, I could not image what its like to be in her shoes. Also, at that time my sister asked my mom to lunch and my mom just could not go, her reason to me was that she was adopted into a great family and there was no need to start all of that now. So when she email my mom again she said that she was wondering and would like to get to know her siblings – my mom jumped to conclusion and thought that she was going to give us a call without her wishes, I however do not believe this to be the case. My sister is a very nice lady (we have not met yet) but have the opportunity to be in the same state this Feb!

All of your suggestions are great! I did send my mom an 8 page of so email after this happened, explaining to her how much I loved her and that this was not going to ruin anything between her and I and how I would stand behind her in anything, but that I felt I had a right to get to know her.. I got no response at all! On thanksgiving they never called me. She has said that she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

 

Now, here is a twist or something that I am wondering if I should do. My mom has a twin sister that live in a different state, that her love to pieces (at the time of the adoption – no one knew, not my grandparents, her sister who she is very close with no one) well, she (my aunt) is coming to visit in March, and I am wondering if I should somehow sit down and just tell my aunt that my mom and I are having issues, and that I would like her to talk to her (without telling her what happened) I just have the feeling that if more people supported what she did then she would see that it would be ok, and that we love her no matter what. She seems to be so so afraid to tell anyone, and now I know and I do not like that stress on me.

 

As far as MY little one – he still see them everyday he goes to there house after school. Then they bring him to my house drop him off and drive away, I have tried sitting outside once so that they can see me, I was going to try and talk to her but she backed out and left before that can happen, a lot of people do not think that my son should be there as much as he is b/c of all that is going on, but I know that my mom loves him and he loves her, she has been a huge part of his life since day one and I would never take that away from either one of them

 

I just wanted to thank you again for reading this, it means the world to me – what a way to get thing off your mind… its feels so much better then bottling it all up