Am I over reacting?

[Babypooh]

I have been dating my bf for just over a year. We are both divorced. I have always had a very hard time trusting my SO's. I recently got some news from my doctor that was not good and requires further testing. I decided to trust my BF and tell him about it. He thought his ex-wife went through something similar and wanted to ask her details. They are still very good friends, talk a couple times a week and go out once or twice a month. That's another issue. I told him that if he asked her about it she would want to know why he was curious and that I didn't want him talking to her about me. He said he understood. I just found out, the next day he called her anyway. He says he's sorry that curiosity got the best of him, but I'm really mad. We talked about it and I told him I understood why he did it and that it was okay. That was two days again, but I'm really not okay. He had good intentions and wanted more information, but he went against my wishes, which had been clearly stated. How do I trust him again? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

BP

[Meow18]

First of all, welcome to Enotalone!

 

I do not think you are overreacting. He went and did something that you asked him not to do. And you have a hard time trusting others as it is. So I don't blame you at all for being hurt.

 

But you shouldn't have told him you were ok when you really weren't. It hurt you, and it's understandable. He needs to know that.

 

The other side of it is that he most likely never intended to hurt you. He most likely had your best interest at heart, even though it wasn't right.

 

But you need to talk to him about this and let him know that it really did hurt you that he would do that after you asked him not to.

[Azual]

He did it out of care for you, and though it went against your wishes, he wants you to get better, so he can be with you. I think you should trust him. Sure, he did something that you asked him not to, but it was out of concern and care for you.

 

He did wrong by talking to her, but I feel he did right by being concerned for you and trying to get information to try and find out what's going on.

 

That's my 2cents.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I know it's another situation but i'd have a problem with him going out "once or twice a month" with her.. But if you're okay with that then whatever I guess.

But as far as this, I sorta know how you feel my bf did the same with his ex-wife, he ran and told her I was pregnant before any of family knew even though I asked him not too.. and I was really bothered and hurt by it. The only thing I can tell you to do is talk to him about it and explain to him how bothered by it, and you are going to havea hard time trusting him not to tell her stuff anymore. Btw, as I stated its another issue but you trust him enough to go out with her but have a problem her knowing medical problems?

[Babypooh]

Mythical_Suicide

 

I am trying very hard to trust him enough to go out with her. They have known each other and been together dating / married for ten years and separated / divorced another five. Their divorce was friendly and happened because he didn't love her "that way" anymore. If he wants to be friends with her, I'm okay with that most of the time. But I'm not her friend and she's not mine and I don't know want her knowing my / our business. He's not supposed to discuss any aspect of our relationship with her. But now I wonder what else she knows.

[heartlessromantic]

Before reading my advice, I want to qualify it by disclosing that I have never been married.

 

If his ex-wife is going to be such a regular part of your future together, maybe it is good that you meet her and also eventually get to know her a bit. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask this of your BF. It would be interesting to see how he reacts.

 

I had an ex-girlfriend who was on good terms with most of her ex's and she was always very open about inviting me when they would visit. Keep in mind that these were ex's from break-ups years away and she would go out of her way to make me feel secure in our relationship, so it was slightly uncomfortable but not too bad. You can usually tell if an ex is happy for your SO or if an ex has ulterior motives and sees you as a rival.

[Babypooh]

I have met her. I have attended a picnic at her house where she proceed to ask him to grill, move patio furniture and eat off of his plate. And when I was ready to leave at 10:30, we got there at 5, she offered the spare room and to bring him home in the morning if he wasn't ready to go. I have invited her to dinner at our house and she will not come. They go out when I am with my children, but never when the children are with their father and I could attend also. I have not doubt that she is a rival and not at all happy about our relationship. That is why I don't want her knowing anything. I doubt she asks out of concern, but to gather information to be used at a later date.

[flower99]

He did it out of care for you, and though it went against your wishes, he wants you to get better, so he can be with you. I think you should trust him. Sure, he did something that you asked him not to, but it was out of concern and care for you.

 

He did wrong by talking to her, but I feel he did right by being concerned for you and trying to get information to try and find out what's going on.

 

That's my 2cents.

 

As thoughtful as it was, it was his ex wife he asked for information from & devolged her personal information too. Sure the intent wasn't to hurt her, but he knew it would.

If he wanted to know about the concern, there is internet he could research on or health line. It didn't have to be the ex wife.

[flower99]

First of all, welcome to Enotalone!

 

I do not think you are overreacting. He went and did something that you asked him not to do. And you have a hard time trusting others as it is. So I don't blame you at all for being hurt.

 

But you shouldn't have told him you were ok when you really weren't. It hurt you, and it's understandable. He needs to know that.

 

The other side of it is that he most likely never intended to hurt you. He most likely had your best interest at heart, even though it wasn't right.

 

But you need to talk to him about this and let him know that it really did hurt you that he would do that after you asked him not to.

 

I totally agree with Meow, You've got to talk to him.

Tell him you shouldn't have told him you were okay, when you weren't & you still feel hurt.

 

I don't think you're overreacting, I know i would feel the same (especially if this is the women who is offering a bed for him to spend the night.)

But i dont' think he intended to hurt you, maybe he just didn't see how much it would have. Especially if he now thinks things are okay, when they really aren't.

Talk to him, have a heart to heart.

[Azual]

As thoughtful as it was, it was his ex wife he asked for information from & devolged her personal information too. Sure the intent wasn't to hurt her, but he knew it would.

If he wanted to know about the concern, there is internet he could research on or health line. It didn't have to be the ex wife.

 

Ah, very true. However, I believe it was a spur of the moment thing, and his judgement was clouded. By all means be mad at him, but don't be too hard on him. He wants the best for you, and I know I'd have done the same. The thought of a Medical Website or another such website would have occurred to me later, after I had asked someone.

Like I said, you can be mad, but don't be too hurtful. He hurt you, but don't do it back. Two Wrongs Have Never Made A Right. Talk to him about it, definitely.

[Rabican]

I think in this case he did not have any 'ill intent'

 

I think there is a difference between someone doing something they said they wouldnt when they have good intentions, and when they are doing something to be selfish ie cheating.

 

Asking him not to talk to an ex... who say he cheated on you with. And asking him not to confide in an ex about a medical problem are two different things imo. Not saying what he did was right, and that you shouldnt be upset... but I think its certainly something that can be worked out. Simply sit him down and have a heart to heart, and tell him how you feel. basically say to him what you said on here.

[caro33]

I have met her. I have attended a picnic at her house where she proceed to ask him to grill, move patio furniture and eat off of his plate. And when I was ready to leave at 10:30, we got there at 5, she offered the spare room and to bring him home in the morning if he wasn't ready to go. I have invited her to dinner at our house and she will not come. They go out when I am with my children, but never when the children are with their father and I could attend also. I have not doubt that she is a rival and not at all happy about our relationship. That is why I don't want her knowing anything. I doubt she asks out of concern, but to gather information to be used at a later date.

 

What a troubling state of affairs. He should have greater sensitivity to your needs. My thoughts on reading your first post were changed when I read this.

 

I imagine he called her to ask out of good intentions, as others have said, and probably thought it was okay to go against your wishes because he meant well, he felt the situation was safe and perhaps he thought you were overreacting.

 

But the above stuff shows a relationship that sounds stressful, at least it would be to me. She is crossing boundaries and he needs to police those boundaries. Part of that is not pushing the evelope on this issue by ignoring your requests when it comes to interaction with her. It's not like he couldn't have called a doctor or done a google search if he wanted to do some private research on your health condition.

[heartlessromantic]

I completely agree with caro33. She is acting like a rival and you need to talk to your boyfriend about your discomfort and give your reasons. He should be more sensitive to your feelings and show respect for your relationship by putting up stronger boundaries. If you guys are serious, then these are all very reasonable things to expect. A relationship requires some work and vigilance. Long term relationships don't just magically happen.

 

Just google "emotional infidelity" on the Net. There is also a good book called "Not just friends" about this topic. I think any couple that is serious should read the book.