Would appreciate any thoughts

[SomeVlad]

This will probably be a long post, but I want to make sure that I explain the situation completely. This is my first time posting here, and I will explain the facts in the way I understand them now, after everything that has happened.

 

I am 24 and have been with a girl for 4 years. We met in college, and this is my first serious relationship. She is also the first and only girl I have ever had sex with. This was not because I could not have had a relationship or sex for whatever reason (I am good-looking and do well socially) but rather because I have always felt that I did not want any of that from someone for who I do not have very strong feelings. In college, when going to parties etc., I have never been tempted to just hook up and have sex with some random girl, no matter how good-looking. My girlfriend is rather different in that respect (and so are most people today). She has had several boyfriends and also had numerous one-time hook-ups in college. While on occasion I could feel slight annoyance about this, I understand that all those experience are part of what makes her who she is and that resulted in making her the person I love. The main reason I am mentioning all this is just for background—it is not at all my intention to show her or me in good/bad light, since, as I pointed out, I do not hold her past against her.

 

We were friends for one semester before we got together, and when we did, we jumped straight into it, moving in together right away and living together in the dorm. We have lived together ever since going on to after graduation. Almost from the very beginning we were saying how we wanted to get married and be together. We used to joke how the only reason I would not propose was that I could not afford the ring she wanted. In retrospect, I do not know about her, but I really would have married her without a second thought, and I had meant all that I said.

 

In the beginning we were literally drunk with each other and wanted to spend every moment together, but as time went on and we lived together, we began to enter the life routine. She likes to watch TV, while I enjoy spending time on the computer chatting with online friends, playing poker, what not. (And to forestall any questions, no I do not have an addiction to gambling—my approach to the game is very careful and controlled, and I would never play gambling games where the expected value is always negative, such as slot machines. I play poker because it’s fun and challenging.) As time went on, we would spend more and more time engaged in our preferred activities and less with each other. In addition, I started getting lazy when it came to going out, often not willing to go to restaurants/out when she wanted to, and generally getting lazy when it came to doing things with her.

 

On occasion we would talk about doing things together and a solution, we took golf lessons this summer and early fall (until it got too cold to play and the season ended). And we both enjoyed it. We would still spend time apart at home—she in front of the TV, me at the computer. I would also stay up later than her, so we would often not go to bed together. She mentioned that she did not like that setup, but we never really sat down and had a big talk about this. And I clearly did not understand how much the whole thing was upsetting her. As I look back, I recall times when I would come to her to cuddle or to go to bed with her, but it did not really seem to make her happier at the time, and at times she would actually act cold so that there were occasions when I would come to bed with her, but then get up 15 minutes later and go back to do stuff because she would just turn away from me and go to sleep. Now she explains that she acted that way out of resentment and being hurt.

 

Throughout all this, however, my feelings for her were not any weaker and I was still certain that she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But I realize now there were things to work on for both of us.

 

Her job requires her to take occasional business trips. She came back from one three weeks ago and at night we had a talk where she told me she was no longer in love with me, did not feel any passion for me, and wanted to end it. To me it was a shock—I did not see anything like that coming at all. Nothing I said or did over the next 2 days had any effect on her. She was decidedly done. I slept in the other room and that was that. The worst thing was that I did not understand what was causing all that for she would not tell me anything besides that she was done and was not in love with me, so there was nothing to do.

 

Not understanding why everything was happening, I refused to give up. After 2 days, I suggested seeing a relationship counselor, and she agreed. In retrospect, that was probably to get someone else to tell me to get real and accept that it was over.

 

When we went, however, what the counselor said seemed to affect her, and when we were done with the session and outside sitting in the car, she told me that she had met someone else. It had happened over a month before that point—she was visiting a friend she had made while on one of her business trips and met a guy at a bar to who she initially felt physical attraction. They then started emailing each other and finally when she had been there the last time, right before she had told me she wanted to break up, they had gone out and then went back to his place and hooked up. According to her, they did not actually have sex because he said he did not want a relationship with her because of what was going on in his life (apparently he was getting out of a divorce after a long marriage, whatever). Though that part of course makes me feel slightly better, it is just details, and it had nothing to do with me. At the bottom line, as I see it, she was attracted to and wanted to have sex with a guy who was just looking for a random sex partner. As you remember from the beginning of this post, that is something that is completely foreign to me, which makes it all that much harder.

 

While I will never be able to put into words the pain I felt, my reaction was one that neither I nor she could have ever predicted. At the counselor, I came to understand how upset and hurt she was about my not spending time with her and not giving her the attention she deserved. Whatever the reasoning was inside my head, even after she told me, as I looked at her I felt nothing but love and tenderness and I knew that she was still the person I wanted to be with. I told her that much and said from certain angle I could see how perhaps she went to look elsewhere for things she wanted from me. We decided to try and work it out.

 

The whole experience made me ask myself some important questions. I realized that I did enjoy spending time with her, even it was just cuddling while we watched TV. I feel terrible about ignoring her to do other activities. And spending time with her, just watching TV, going out, going shopping, is so much more enjoyable than anything else I could be doing. So since the time at the therapist, we spent most of our time together and I genuinely wanted it.

 

Yet there were difficulties, and because we made a point of communicating with each other, they were coming out. From time to time, she would say that she could not stop thinking about that other guy. I tried to act supportive, but you can imagine what I felt inside.

 

And then there was my own pain. She had been with another guy, and what’s more, for well over a month, every time she looked at me, talked to me, every time we were together she was lying to me. I can’t help thinking that whatever we were doing she was thinking about someone else, talking to someone else behind my back. And consciously planning to cheat on me. All the while saying nothing to me. Moreover, she talked to her girlfriends about her feelings and about what was going on, making all the plans, and said nothing to me the whole time. When we are together and doing something, it is easy to enjoy being with her and enjoy everything, but on occasion when my mind wonder, it hits me all over again, and again I feel all my insides ripped out.

 

And yet, things kept getting better overall. We took a trip on Thanksgiving together, and despite some hard conversations enjoyed ourselves. We kept spending time and doing things together, and I felt that was what I really wanted. She kept saying that now I give her everything she had ever wanted, but at the same time on occasion confessed that she still thought about the other person.

 

3 days ago, before this weekend, I was checking the phone bill (we have joint phone plan) for some random charges I wanted to clear up, and saw the number to the city where she was taking her business trips. I asked her about it that night and she said she was calling her girlfriend there and got angry, acting hurt and saying that I should trust her since she promised she would not contact the person again. Yet things she said somehow did not match up and I had my doubts. So I checked her phone after she fell asleep and saw that the number she called was not her girlfriend’s.

 

The following day we were planning to see our counselor in the morning and then spend the day together shopping, going out, etc. So in the morning before the therapist I confronted her again. She started denying it and getting angry again. At last, I asked her to look me in the eyes and tell me she was not lying. I knew she was, and if she had denied it again, I would have ended it because I could not stand more lies. But she confessed, saying that she felt bad, and the last time she called she made a decision to not do it again and did not tell me because she was afraid I would not give her another chance. Later at the therapist she told me that it was that fear and desire for another chance that convinced her that she wanted to be with me, which was something had not been sure of up to that point.

 

The rest of the day went great, as did the rest of the weekend. Today she left for another business trip to that same place. But last night and the night when we were talking she said that something turned in her and that she knew she loved me and could not imagine how 3 weeks ago she could have wanted to be with someone else. She said the feeling changed from desire to shame and guilt. Last night, she kept asking me if I still wanted to marry her, despite us both knowing that she would say no at that time for obvious reasons. I still would like to probably as something that can happen in the future, but at this moment the question is out of place. I wasn’t sure what to say and she said that upset her because that was the first time I had ever seemed doubtful about it.

 

Today she left for the trip, but in the context of our conversations from the nights before, she was saying that could not fathom how she wanted to be with someone else and hoped she would not run into that person (he works at that company office) since it would be awkward.

 

I think she means what she says, and without question I am still in love with her and being with her makes me happy. And I realize I have made mistakes, yet in no way does anything I have done justify her actions, and the pain is not easy to live down. I am still not sure if she truly realizes how much she hurt me. When I talk about it, she does not really have anything to say. And I feel that there is something still inside her that bothers her (at first I was the thoughts about the other person, now could be guilt).

 

I do not really have specific questions, but I would appreciate any thoughts people here have about the whole situation. Thanks for reading.

[Caterina]

This is a really heavy situation that is out of my realm of what I think i'm allowed to offer advice on. But my initial thoughts are that its not really a healthy relationship. You might love her but you guys have such a hard time working things through. Call me naive or inexperienced, but I think love is supposed to be happy and blissful.

That said, she cheated on you. You deserve better, I'd say, but I don't know the situation too closely. I'm really sorry about your pain.

[kittysaysmeow]

Im sorry to hear about what's been going on with you and your girlfriend.

 

My only question is this: can you honestly trust her anymore after she lied to you numerous times and cheated?

 

You need to have trust in a relationship in order for it to work. You can love the person all you want but without trust the relationship is doomed to fail.

[SomeVlad]

This may sound odd after all that has happened, but I can say with certainty that I know her better than anyone else, and I could trust her if I see certain things from her.

[kittysaysmeow]

I don't know what to tell you. I think you deserve better from someone that claims to love you.

I've cheated in a past relationship and I regret it every day of my life. It was my cowardly way of wanting out of the relationship.

The fact that she lied to you after coming clean with the cheating is unacceptable behaviour in my books. Not to say that she can't learn from her mistakes but she should really figure out if she wants to continue with you.

I suggest going to a therapist on your own. I know you wrote that you went to see one with her but i think it would be good if you went by yourself too. Maybe it'll help you figure everything out.

[Rabican]

That sounds like a lot of baggage to overcome for a girl who goes out of town on regular business trips to me. I dont think Im trusting enough to not spend the nights wondering if when she says "good night" shes heading to the bar, or inviting another man into her bed.

 

Id seriously wonder why all the sudden shes so sorry about what happened... she wasnt thinking that way when she slept with another guy, or told you it was over.

 

I vote dump her, or if you dont... then at least take things VERY slowly for a while. And tell her that shes on strike 2, one more and shes out, mean it if you say it.

[SomeVlad]

Well, Rabican, to answer your question - the past 2-3 weeks, we have both made an effort to fix things that have been wrong with our relationship - basically coexisting rather than living in a relationship (and we both were to blame for that).

 

During these past few weeks, we have spent pretty much all our free time together and have enjoyed it greatly. It is not hard for me to believe that she enjoyed it as well and saw what our relationship could be and was reminded of what it once was.

 

Just that, in the midst of all this, what she did isn't easy to cope with for me. And there are still feelings and things we have not talked about. It all comes out one thing at a time, and with each conversation we have, things get better.

 

But there is no denying that something has changed inside me. My love for her was almost unconditional before. I don't think it is any more. Some may say that is a good thing, but I feel it is a sad loss. Maybe some others can relate to that.

[Rabican]

I can relate. Its sort of like a child that realizes that there is no santa. Sure, christmas is still great... but its just not 'the same' now that you have... seen the light, so to speak.