Possible Warning Signs?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Thanks for this perspective. The answer he gave me when I asked him why he wanted me to have a hairstyle was this, "Because it enhances how beautiful you already are." Still it is wrong and was way out of line for him to "tell" me what he wanted for me. Then he went on to say that I didn't need anything to look beautiful to him. Then I said that I don't need enhancing and before I hung up on him I told him that maybe it's "him" that needs enhancing.

 

But then after reading this I kinda dismiss the 'controlling' claim, it more sounds like a case of foot in mouth. Where a guy (or girl) tends to make a stupid offhanded comment that doesn't really mean anything.

 

Like for example, my current man said to me one day, "I want to give you a day at the spa and get your hair done and nails done... and etc... etc.." I was like, "huh? What? Hold up. What's wrong with my hair?" He replied, "Nothing, I love your hair, it's just I thought that you'd like going!" Classic foot-in-mouth case, but he really didn't mean anything by it.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Of course your situation is slightly different and yes he may have meant it in an insulting/controlling way, but after reading your post where he instantly corrected his percieved 'mistake'- by saying "You're beautiful, it enhances your beauty' blah blah, it could merely of been a stupid 'foot-in-mouth' comment that he didn't even realize sounded insulting. Keep an ear out for future dubious comments.

[rainbowprincess264]

I knew I wasn't overreacting when I got angry. He is the one that is in the wrong. And you are right engaged kitty 1985, it seems like he has self esteem and insecurity issues. I don't know whether to try and tell him how I feel and see his reaction, or just stop all communication without even picking up the phone? I don't feel I am the one that should be doing the apologizing.

[Batya33]

I went out with a few guys like that - a few times each. One would constantly critique my clothes, one wanted his mother to take me for a makeover so I could learn how to wear (more!) makeup, etc. I never mind "you look great in that" or telling me a preference for one outfit over another when I ask - when I ask, that is!

 

Rent the movie Vertigo where Jimmy Stewart tries to make over someone and see what happens.

 

Rent it with one of your girlfriends- not with him. Why? Because if he is like this now, it can only get worse. Run.

 

P.S. - I wear my hair just like you do, I love it and want nothing to do with elaborate hairdos - I have naturally curly hair that I straighten with a flat iron and to me, simple is best.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I knew I wasn't overreacting when I got angry. He is the one that is in the wrong. And you are right engaged kitty 1985, it seems like he has self esteem and insecurity issues. I don't know whether to try and tell him how I feel and see his reaction, or just stop all communication without even picking up the phone? I don't feel I am the one that should be doing the apologizing.

 

 

I would tell him how you felt, employing the "no-contact" thing is more geared for breakups and it doesn't seem you're in that stage. So at this point in time, stopping all communication would be more damaging (I'd say) than helpful. I'd instead pick up the phone, or, better yet, do this face to face, and tell him how you feel. And let him know you love your looks the way they are and you're not changing for nodamnbody! He'll more likely than not feel like a fool and wish he had never made such a comment in the first place. Yes, he should be apologizing, and likely will if you take such an approach.

[rainbowprincess264]

I would tell him how you felt, employing the "no-contact" thing is more geared for breakups and it doesn't seem you're in that stage. So at this point in time, stopping all communication would be more damaging (I'd say) than helpful. I'd instead pick up the phone, or, better yet, do this face to face, and tell him how you feel. And let him know you love your looks the way they are and you're not changing for nodamnbody! He'll more likely than not feel like a fool and wish he had never made such a comment in the first place. Yes, he should be apologizing, and likely will if you take such an approach.

 

 

Okay I am going to try this, but if he doesn't get why it upset me or he thinks that my feelings are nonsense, then I am ending it.

[blender]

I really think it all comes down to how it made YOU feel. It's just the way he said these things that would bother me... again if your intincts are nudging you to question his behavior, then listen to your own heart, and remember try not to engage in "arguing" about it.. Set your own loving standard for how you wish to be treated in a relationship and stick to it.

 

All in all, it's up to you to set a standard for yourself, by lovingly saying to him:

"when I want your opinion on how I look, I will be more than happy to ASK you, so please respectfully refrain from "telling me" how or what you want me to do regarding my appearance, unless of course I ask." "If there is something you'd like to respectfully discuss, then do so "respectfully".. not like a "command"

 

Then see how he responds... then just be alert to his "behavior" towards you.. and you'll know if this is going to be a "controlling issue" or not.

 

I know someone on here suggested you respond to him with something like: you want someone "with abs" as a retort. I know it may "feel tempting" to argue with him, or point a finger back, BUT really the best thing to do here is to "NOT BECOME LIKE HIM"... do not choose to critique him as a response, just simply be your own classy self and set some respectful boundaries on how you wish to be respected.

[rainbowprincess264]

Thanks Blender. You offered some really great advice. I will not stoop to his level and pick apart his looks. But still I want understanding from him and not criticism. If I don't get that, then it will be over.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Okay I am going to try this, but if he doesn't get why it upset me or he thinks that my feelings are nonsense, then I am ending it.

 

 

As you should. No one should ever stay with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves or disregards your feelings. Good luck, I hope it's more of a case of 'stupid comment, insert foot in mouth' than pure maliciousness.

[blender]

good for you.. you seem like a smart, mature, level headed girl, and some guys no matter how hard they try can not give you the "understanding on his part" that you may seek, be careful not to get wrapped up in HIM understanding YOU, instead stay on the track of "understanding yourself enough" to know whether this guy is worthy of your energy or not... no point in wasting time right at the start of a relationship trying to "convince" a guy he's got it all wrong.. you know what I mean?

 

Either way you seem like someone who has the clarity and perspective to do what is right for yourself.. What a lovely example of a self respecting woman you are.... You deserve a self confident, woman respecting, mature, loyal and loving man.

[Caterina]

You're gorgeous. I have a brother who is an engineer...he's handsome and would love to date a girl like you.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hmm...sounds like we might just have a match going on here!

[Caterina]

Lol, no no, but I'm showing her that there are plenty of guys out there. I am sure she isn't interested in meeting some random internet person and my brother would have his qualms as well. But, as far as her online persona and her picture...she is his type.