Help!

[Captain34]

I was afraid this would happen. I met my ex after being broken up for 5 months. I really think the meeting was necessary and a lot of good came out of it. We live in the same area, have mutual friends, and bump into each other fairly often so I think it was good to actually discuss the current situation rather than ignore it and continue having things be up in the air.

 

Although I think a lot was settled when we met, now I have a lot more to think about since we agreed to spend more time together. THings seemed to have changed for the better now, but even though much was resolved, so much is still up in the air. And I am having a tough time with that. I may very well be taking things out of context or overreacting, but maybe I am not. It is all just unclear.

 

I want to see the situation for what it is, and I feel like I need outside input to do that. I don't want to rock the boat so to speak when things are just starting to move forward, but I also don't want to be unfair to myself, know what I mean?

 

I will and want to provide more details, but I want to get an idea of what you all think is important to consider, and leave all the insignificant stuff out of this.

 

Drop a line if you can, I am struggling today...

[keefy1972]

All I can say is that, no matter how long you've been broken up, meeting up with the ex to clear the air will always make us all feel better. For a while. You said it's been 5 months but you run into each other regularly? If that is the case, do you think you've had enough time without contact with her to be fair to her? Are you going to fall prey to unfair expectations? Agreeing to "spend more time" with an ex is a dangerous thing if you're not properly mentally prepared to do that. Did you guys discuss reconcilliation at all? Is that question weighing heavily on your mind?

 

Your post is somewhat vague with regards to this meeting and what "air" was cleared. Give a bit more detail and I can offer better advice.

[Dako]

You are as vague as can be in your post, and it raises questions you should ask yourself.

 

Is your ex really an ex, or were you just apart for a while?

Do you want to be a couple again?

Have you asked if that's possible?

Are you fantasizing a reconciliation?

 

Rock the boat. Find out, and either fix it or move on.

[Biffy]

^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Exactly.

 

Captain, this has been going on for far far too long dude, get an answer out of her and accept it.

[keefy1972]

Dako, as usual, says it all in so few words. Well done!

[Captain34]

we did have enough time apart - basically as much NC as was possible considering teh circumstances. But because of the situation and seeing each other, we really needed to meet.

 

I met because I did want answers. WE agreed that we want to see if we can work out things as much as we can. I asked for specifics as to how she felt, what "rules" there should be, basically where things stand. She said she didnt want to draw a line or make rules. So I told her how I felt about wanting to see if we could work it out. But I added that I dont see that happening in a snap.

 

She said nothing about it being over. I really feel like the door is open to see what happens, which is great. I guess I'm just overly bugging out right now because I dont know what step to take next.

[Anastasia_Mixali]

In my experience, when you break up with someone, things will ALWAYS be a little weird between the two of you. That's totally normal. My point is, just because you two have 'decided' to spend time together again, just be prepared for that not happening. The last thing anyone wants to do is hang out with someone they feel weird about because they broke up. Think of Stephen and Kristen on Laguna Beach. After they broke up, they tried to hang out a lot. All they did was annoy eachother and rub one another the wrong way. My advice: chock it all up to experience, forget about him, and move on

[Captain34]

Honestly, meeting with her seemed to have gone very well. We caught up, things werent awkward, and we finally had an open and honest conversation.

 

I guess I am just having a hard time adjusting to how things are now. I asked if she wanted to come to a cocktail at my house and she said yes. Then she brings up going to a party a friend of mine is throwing, and also told me she'll be back early from break when no one is really around town. So its clear we are both down to start spending time togetehr again.

 

I laid out how I felt because I needed an answer like you said Dako. I didn't get shut down, its seems to now be open ended and we agreed to discuss what goes down from here on out.

 

So now I have to give it time and see how it goes, but I'm having a hard time being patient and not worrying that something else is going on with her. Plus, I am unsure about how to approach teh situation from here on out.

 

I don't want to push too hard, because its clear that things need some time to develop - we need to chill out some more and "feel each other out." I guess I am really clueless as to how to go from here, which I shouldnt be. I am normally cool with pursuing women, but right now the situation makes me second guess what I am going to do.

 

The replies were great, keep them coming. I need to get to a point where I am settled with all this mentally for the time being.

[keefy1972]

Okay since it seems that "the door is open" and reconcilliation has been discussed, my advice would be simply to chill out. Don't concern yourself with "steps". You get together when you can, have fun, and don't worry about "relationships". See if you are capable of just letting things flow naturally. At this point, I think you have to act as if this is a brand new relationship. Treat her now as you would a girl you've been out on one date with. Would you sweat her with depressing relationship talk? No. You would do your best to put your best foot forward in every interaction with her. That's what I think you should do from here.

[Captain34]

i just met with her to find out where things stood. Although I am still somewhat unsure, I found a good deal out about where things are. I committed to trying and so did she, so I am not going to back out now. I know it may just be easier to walk away, but I've tried that and it doesnt work.

[keefy1972]

You have to remember though that being committed to trying doesn't mean you need to smother her. As long as you don't feel you need to "prove your love for her" then I think you'll be fine. Having that feeling tends to turn people into needy and clingy sponges that crave acceptance and approval. Just be yourself and let things develop all by themselves. Don't try to force anything, and for God's sake, be patient. Do not rush. Let it flow!

[Captain34]

thanks keefy, i agree.

 

i brought up the fact that since it had been 5 months i ahd been and assumed she had also been dating. it was a rough topic.

 

so now, even though i want to be with my ex, i know it will take time. but that doesnt mean i am not still interested in others or that i am going to prematurely take myself out of the dating game. know what i mean? but at the same time, thinking my ex may be doing the same bugs me out. i dont have evidence thats she is seeing anyone, but its like any little thing that could possibly be viewed as meaning something to that effect, I see it in the worst possible way.

 

Now granted, i think I am getting overly concerned/upset over nothing. I just saw her on Saturday, so I have to be patient.

 

Now, she agreed to come to a cocktail party at my house, which I was planning on having over the next 2 weeks. plus, she brought up a party a friend of mine is throwing on the 14th.

 

how much is too much contact right now? is it a good idea to just call to chat, or should i just keep contact minimal and wait for face to face encounters? i want to pursue, but I dont want to push too hard. That doesnt work regularly and I feel would be even worse in this situation.

 

I want to leave her wnting more...

[Captain34]

yes keefy, yes! you are hitting the nail on the head, seeming needy or clingy is NOT what I want. I am usually very confident wit hwomen, but I lose all that with my ex sometimes.

 

I mean, should I wait for contact from her? I think not.

[keefy1972]

No I don't really see why you should wait to contact her. But you have to be careful and keep that jealous streak in check. If you suspect she may be "dating" someone else, you have to be strong and ignore the urge to ask her about it. If you do, she is going to feel pressured to be exclusive, not to mention she is going to see an ugly side of insecurity in you. Don't let that happen. That is probably the only reason I would suggest not contacting her too often at first. The less often you talk to her, the less information you have to analyze, and perhaps, interpret incorrectly.

[Captain34]

keefy you are telling me exactly what i was searching to hear, thank you so much

[Captain34]

no heres the thing. what has really been getting to me are things that i saw on facebook. i kept away from looking at her profile back in the day, but have been now since we met.

 

everytime i am in contact with her she must be chatting about it with her girlfriends, because there always seems to be a flurry of messages from her girlfriends. thign is these messages are always obscure and it drives me nuts wondering what to make of them. i would guess that i am reading into them too deeply, or that maybe they have absolutely nothing to do with me or her lovelife.

[keefy1972]

What those messages have to do with is absolutely anyone's guess. No one knows except her and her girlfriends. It may have to do with you and it may not. It may have nothing to do with her lovelife whatsoever. The kicker is this...YOU CAN'T ASK!!! That's why I believe it to be a good idea to leave the facebook thing alone. That is, in a way, a form of checking up on her. It's only going to lead to trouble for the both of you.

 

The key to developing a healthy relationship, and I think most here would agree, is that each party has a life outside of their SO. Let her facebook page be a part of her life outside of you. You, as much as you may think the contrary, do not need to know every detail and innermost thoughts of her life. If you do pry, you are likely to read about things that continue you drive you nuts. The urge to ask what this means or what that means can sometimes be too overwhelming to contain. Avoid that as best you can.

[Captain34]

thats the thing, i agree that i cant ask...

 

i looked at it as basically a comment that she is desirable and is being pursued by me or whoever, and im like damn girl, do what you want but dont put it out there so publicly that you are dating. i guess i just need to adjust to that and not be jealous now. thing is, i really try to keep what ive been doing with other women very quiet, especially on the facebook. should i stop being so concerned about this? should i allow her to see that im dating others? i want to be with her, and i do have interest in others, but not just to make her jealous. i guess thats a thing i am unsure of.

[wayner427]

Staying away from their facebook pages or something similar is hard, but yea, you need to keep your mind off of it. Keefy is right about not asking her about stuff on there that doesn't directly have to do with you. I know from past experience that doing so makes things worse.

[keefy1972]

No I don't think you should put it out there about your own lovelife. Let it be a mystery. Hell, she could be posting some of her stuff just to get you all fired up. NO, if you keep your own stuff quiet and actually keep contact with her at a minimum, she is going to naturally think you are too busy with other stuff to stalk her, as I'm sure she is expecting you to from what she said on the facebook. That is part of being unpredictable.

 

Posting stuff about dating others is not only unneccesary, it is also obvious immature attempts to provoke a jealous reaction. I think it's a bad idea. If you want her to fear that you have a life outside of her, and prevent her from taking you for granted, you can handle that by simply making yourself reasonably scarce from her life. Her own mind will do the rest of the work for you.

[Captain34]

i think the messages with her friends might just be a way to get at me an incite me to chase hard. doesnt that seem to make sense. i mean, if she wasnt open to seeing where things might go she would have closed teh door when i talked to her, not by putting up messages that "might" be interpreted that way...

[Captain34]

i agree, but i still need to do something, no?

 

is it better for me to just wait on contact from her? i think not. i want to be confident and get things moving as far as chilling out with her.

 

what do you sggest?

[keefy1972]

Call her and suggest getting together again. Have a time and place to suggest. Go from there.

[SuperDave71]

That Keefy really does put thing in perspective..

 

 

he he he

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Captain34]

wow, am i lucky! to have keefey post such helpful advice AND to have SuperDave chime in!

 

Thanks for he help guys. I guess what I am struggling with the most is still uncertainty about where things stand. I told her I hoped to reconcile in time and she seemed receptive to see where things could go. Since I was honest, asked for honesty, and told her she wasnt obligated to anything towards me except for civility and honesty....wouldnt she have told me straight up if the door was closed? I guess wondering about this all kills my confidence.

 

I feel like I am getting mixed signals. She acted like she was over me when she hung out with my friend that same night, but I think otherwise, and so does my friend. Maybe she was staying toght because its a female friend of mine she was chilling with?