Heartbroken

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi I am new to this forum.

 

I have been with my partner for two years and we have been living together for just over 11 months.

 

Before we got together we both lived alone and had been very independent so moving in together was a big commitment (we are both 34 years old).

 

About 6 weeks ago I came home from work and he told me that he wanted to end the relationship, that he wanted to live on his own and that he needed space and time to himself. I was devastated. There had been no warning signs and everything 'seemed' to be good between us.

 

As I was living in his home I was the one who had to move. It took a couple of weeks to sort things out so we were still living together at this point.

 

During this time he said that he wasn't sure that he wanted a permanent break-up and just thought he needed some time. He confirmed that there is no third party involved and it was just a case of him feeling like he had lost his identity and needed to know what he really wanted.

 

I moved out at the end of October and by this point we had decided to keep the relationship going, but just live apart for a while.

 

We had lots of contact (messages and conversation) and went on a couple of lovely dates, which were very romantic.

 

He said that he still loves me, that he missed me and thought that the 'phase' that he was going through was coming to an end. We kissed and talked and just recaptured a little bit of romance, I thought we were on the right track.

 

It was his birthday on Tuesday November 21st we arranged to have dinner together and I was going to stay over with him that evening.

 

On Monday (20th November) he called me to say that he didn't want me to go over to his house, that the relationship was over and he wanted to be on his own! I asked if he was 100% sure and he said yes.

 

I was again devastated. We have always had a very stable relationship, so I have to believe he is serious.

 

He said he wants us to be friends and asked me to meet him on the Wednesday, I initially accepted but when he text me on Wednesday morning to ask if I still wanted to meet I said no. I just felt it was too soon.

 

Since then I have been absolutley heartbroken. I can't eat, can't sleep and am not really functioning. I am at work but can not concentrate on anything. I have spoken with friends but they just say get over him!

 

I have tried the no contact thing but it didn't help me much. He sent me a couple of essential things through the post so I sent him a message to thank him.

 

Since then I wrote him a letter and explained my feelings to him. He sent me a message and said he had read it about 400 times and was very sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused.

 

The problem is now that I can't get over him. I want him back but don't know how to start. I keep sending him messages which he answers but I know the more I push the further away he will go. He has called a couple of times but I am always too upset to talk for long.

 

Mutual friends of ours are saying that he still loves me and have maintained that there is no other woman involved, but that he does want to be on his own. I have asked him to reconsider but he says that his mind is made up.

 

I am seeing him tomorrow, the first time since the telephone call which ended the relationship. I don't quite know how to handle the situation. Any advice would be very welcome! xxx

[honeyspur]

NC is something that has to be stuck to - not something you "try". You need to go tomorrow - hear what he has to say and go back to NC.

 

How sad this time is for you - I do not blame you for being angry and confused. Sounds like your partner was seriously in some confusion too!

I can only say in earnest that you must start choosing to move in and release your partner from his hold on you. Try and "make' yourself go out and have some fun. Now, you might not "feel" the fun right away - but you are technically breaking a habit.

Like I've said in many posts before, it takes 28 days to form a habit. Meaning that relationships and feelings become habits too. That is why your heart and mind seem to be in this battle.

 

You have to be your own boss and make this change happen. Not wait for it anymore, you see? You were open to love and giving, your partner thought he felt the same way.

But he is in a different place - probably having to do with fear. There is only so much reassuring you can do before you have to shrug and say, "Oh well - I am open to this but you are not. That is the way things are."

 

Just remember strength and courage are something he will see in you once you return to NC and stick to it. He may not come back to you, but he will have respect and a new understanding of his own actions. He will see the "yo-yo" act doesn't work. People are not toys. Show him that. Let him learn.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is very sad to hear... he has been jerking you back and forth based on his mood... i think that you are both old enough that he should give how he treats you a bit thought before acting... he sounds very immature or selfish...

 

some people are not able to live with other people, and maybe he discovered when trying it that it is not for him, but it may also be that he has decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you....

 

i would consider deeply what you want for yourself, i.e., you deserve someone who treats you better than someone to jerk around like this... he also doesn't really seem to want to be in a relationship at all, but find it ok to have breakup sex when he's in the mood, but that doesn't get you closer to getting him back into a relationship as you have already discovered.

 

i really think you need to put this behind you and find someone else who is more mature and able to have a normal relationship where living together is seen as a positive rather than a negative. so i wouldn't waste more time trying to turn him into someone he is not, or continue seeing him when it is obvious he is not committing to you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

one other piece of advice... trying to be his 'friend' when you are heartbroken and want a relationship is really more for his convenience than being what is good for you... it just prolongs your sense of loss, while giving him a security blanket to hang onto while he looks for a new girlfriend.

 

i would suggest that you tell him that being friends is too traumatic for you, and that he knows your number should he decide he wants to date again... then go about your business healing, and don't count on him coming back... you are better off with friends in your life who do NOT make you feel lost and lonely and pining for something that will not be.

[need2bme]

I will reply to you from home, where I can actually read the posts. I know how you feel, I just got the whole "space" thing too. Only I am so hoping that I won't feel it this time.

 

I am so sorry for the confusion, but keep in mind that you do need to heal and that means NO CONTACT.

[Pisces_Princess]

He is selfish, very set in his ways and been a bachelor too long I suspect. He knows it though.

 

I actually haven't slept with him since the break-up so he is not using me for sex.

 

The problem is I keep contacting him, I get so far with no contact and then falter.

 

He wants the relationship to be over, it is me who is hanging on hoping for something more.

[Pisces_Princess]

Can anybody help me please?

 

I am seeing him tonight, he is picking me up from work.

 

How should I handle the situation?

[Ellie2006]

Hey Pisces Princess,

I am sorry that you're hurting right now ...

I apologize if I sound harsh but I do believe NC is best for you at the moment ... he has expressed no interest in getting back together so meeting him from time to time will only end up setting you back in your road to recovery ...

 

I am sorry if I missed it but why are you guys meeting tonight?

[Ellie2006]

Also, BeStrongBeHappy is giving you great advice: I too believe you should reconsider your decision to be his "friend" for now ... maintaining contact with him at this point will only bring you grief, I'm afraid ...

Let go for now. Be a friend to yourself first. Then after you've healed, maybe you guys can be friends, if you still want ...

[Pisces_Princess]

He asked to see me. Said he wants to speak to me face-to-face.

 

I am dreading it

[Ellie2006]

If you are dreading it, why not cancel? Maybe you can meet at a later date when you feel more ready to talk to him and hear him out?

[Pisces_Princess]

I am curious as to what he wants.

 

Also, there are questions that I would really like an answer to. I think it will be easier than trying to do it by telephone.

 

After today I am having no contact. Should I tell him?

[need2bme]

I forgot to reply as I said I would and I apologize. I am trying to get my thoughts around my own crazy quasi-relationship, right now. Actually it really is not a relationship anymore.

 

Anyway, if you are only going to cry, fold, feel bad, etc., all of which are normal reactions, to anything he says, then don't go.

 

I know what it is like to want closure. I should have never tried to get closure; either time. Are you looking to hear what he has to say, because you hope everything will get fixed and he will be ok. If so, that is unlikely to happen.

 

Also, I always wonder after something like this happens, will we always remember it in the back of our minds and then always walk on eggshells?

 

Something to think about...

[Ellie2006]

Hey Pisces_Princess,

I saw on your other thread that your convo w/ your bf went well. I am so happy for you! Take care and best wishes to you!

[Pisces_Princess]

I posted this on another thread but for anybody following this:

 

This is going to be a long post…..

 

 

 

Last night was very, very interesting and very positive.

 

 

 

He was waiting for me when I finished work and I got into the car and we just looked at each other for ages, and then of course I started crying. He held me for a while and asked if we could go somewhere quiet to talk.

 

 

 

We drove for a while and parked up near to the little park.

 

 

 

We talked non-stop for about 3 hours.

 

 

 

I told him some things that I had never told him (or anybody) before. He was shocked and very sad.

 

 

 

We also talked about our break-up and he talked about where he thought it went wrong. He said it was my neediness and clinginess that did it. He said that he always felt bad about going out so he thought it was less hassle to not go out at all. He also said that he thought I had never really forgiven him over a brief infidelity and in a way he hadn’t really forgiven himself for the pain and hurt it caused me. He said for us to move forward we had to put the past behind us and I agreed.

 

 

 

I talked about losing the baby and the effect that had on me. He said it had a bigger effect on him than he ever told me. I said that we both should have had counselling after the loss and he agreed.

 

 

 

I asked when he had stopped loving me, he said he hadn’t but I had changed so much that he felt that he didn’t know me anymore.

 

 

 

I asked him what first attracted him to me and he said apart from the fact that he thought and still thinks I am beautiful, it was my independence and carefree nature. That he saw me as strong and determined and intelligent and somebody who wants to be with somebody but doesn’t need them.

 

 

 

He then asked me a biggie! He asked if he could mediate between me and my Dad to try and work on the relationship!!!! My Father left home when I was 6 and the last time I saw him I was 15. He said I talked about my Dad a lot and it was never bad. He said he thought I missed my Dad more than I would ever admit and he said he is haunted by the image of when my Dad left home and I saw him driving away and chased the car down the street. He said he felt the same way when he went anywhere that I would look at him with such sadness as if he was abandoning me just as my Dad had all those years ago. This made me cry (again). I said that he could, but it would take time for me to face it and we agreed to do this after I had worked on myself and my own problems.

 

 

 

He asked how I felt when he ended the relationship and I said I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the ocean and told to find my way back to dry land and that sometimes he was like the life guard who was watching me and couldn’t quite decide whether I was waving or drowning. He said in that respect I had to think of him swimming beside me, that I had to do it alone but he would catch me if I fall.

 

 

 

I asked him if there was any chance that we would get back together. He said that we had to work on me first but not to rule anything out; he said he couldn’t promise anything and that we had to become friends first. He said that despite everything we talked about we had some very good times and he was going to concentrate on that and we should keep talking about us and moving forward, he said he felt that we had to get to know each other again.

 

 

 

I said that I would stop contacting him, that I would respect his need for time and space but he asked me not to and said he would call me and see me regularly. I said I know he would be busy up until Christmas so not to worry about seeing before then and he said that we would see each other a lot when he finishes work for Christmas.

 

 

 

I said losing him had made me realise what I had and he said he had to let me go so that I could get better and heal myself. He said it was almost like I was challenging him to leave me by pushing him further and further away.

 

 

 

We talked about his friendships and I said that I was ashamed of the way it had worked out. He asked if there was a reconciliation that I would make more of an effort and I said that I definitely would.

 

 

 

He said he missed me, that the flat felt very empty and that it didn’t feel like a home anymore.

 

 

 

He dropped me off at my friends and we had a little hug and a kiss.

 

 

 

I feel like I understand now what has happened and I know what I need to do.

 

 

 

I have booked myself in to see a psychotherapist (tomorrow 6pm). I had a discussion with him on the phone this morning and he is giving me a consultation but suspects that I need cognitive behavioural therapy which looks at the way I react to situations which is based on emotional response rather than logic. i.e. if Tom goes out I would think “he’s going out, he doesn’t love me, he will meet somebody better than me and he will leave me” rather than “Tom’s going out” apparently it’s behaviour that we learn but is not natural and can be easily worked through.

 

 

 

Phew long post…hope you didn’t fall asleep!!!!

 

***Update*** I am now on no contact, and was feeling pretty bad about it. However he has started to contact me! xxx

[Pisces_Princess]

I think that my therapy is really going to help me. Firstly I am not going mad, which is good to know! I am in a depression and may have been for quite some time, but I am not depressive. We discussed my behaviour and he asked me to talk about a scenario where this has been a problem. I explained how I had been with Tom when he said that he was going out with his friends and how I became very needy and clingy. He said that these were triggers to my insecurities which are formed from childhood relating to being abandoned. He said that he can change my emotional response to trigger situations so that I can deal with them logically and rationally. He said basically I do not have a coping mechanism in place for these triggers. He said the treatment will not change my basic personality, but will give me the tools to deal with these issues.

 

 

 

It should take between 8 -13 sessions and I should feel much better after 3. But, there will be ups and downs along the way. As he digs deeper into my psychology and into my past it could bring some old pain to the surface. He said it was like having a wound that’s scabbed over, each time something bad happens the scab comes off and exposes the wound underneath which has never really healed. The idea is to heal the old wound so that it’s a complete recovery. He said that the difference with therapy over medication is that the medication would make the scab re-form but the old wound will still be there.

 

 

 

My only wish is that I had done this sooner. I honestly don’t think that Tom and I would be apart now if I had managed to ask for help when I needed it. Really I think the whole time we lived together I was going through this depression the trigger was probably with the baby. I should have faced up to things then, I think it would have helped us so much. It is so hard for me going through this alone. It would have been wonderful to have done this with his love and support behind me.

[mariemarie10]

i can see what he is saying, but its like hes blaming you aswell (maybe i read it wrong)

[jessicake]

dear piseces princess,

 

i am very sorry for what you had to go through.

 

i'm glad to hear that you are in therapy and i hope that it helps you.

 

i predict that it will be very hard to nc... but at the same time, i would suggest for you to rule out the possibilities of getting back togehter.. i'm not saying that you will not get back together with your ex. but if you keep holding on, you will never be able to heal the wounds properly. And if your ex meets someone else (it is possible!) then your wound will get cut up all over again!

 

However, i wish you the best! everything happens for a reason and i'm sure you know that what doesn't kill us will eventually make us stronger.