Update - Saw the Ex yesterday.

[TrynToGetBy]

Here is a link to my original post -

 

Anyway, as those of you who have been following my story know, yesterday was my birthday, and I had plans to have lunch with the ex. Lunch was really nice. We both had fun, and for the most part it was very light. She asked a few questions about how I was doing and if I'd been on any dates. I answered her questions honestly telling her I was doing well and understood why things weren't working for us at the time, and told her yes I had been on a couple dates (which is true, although they weren't great because i don't think i was ready but i left that part out). However I quickly got us off the subject and back on to lighter things. There isn't too much to report. We had a nice time but things remain as they were.

 

On the upside I've been feeling better and better every day. I still want to get back together with her, but one thing I realized yesterday is that if that happens its not going to be a quick process. She's dating someone else and that needs to play itself out. I think she's confused still but she's commited herself to this decision (at least for the time being) and I need to accept that for what it is. Mabye in time she'll realize that she misses what we had and wants to give it another shot, maybe not? So now I'm back to trying to heal myself and get over her. We're both going to be in our home town for a week around Xmas and we talked a little bit yesterday about getting together while we were home. For now I'm going back to not contacting her, and letting her come to me if she wants to hear from me.

 

I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts or advice. Thanks for all your support.

[luvursmile]

I'm very glad you're feeling better! These things take time. And Im glad to hear you're dating!

 

Good that you kept things light yesterday. Try ignoring her calls sometimes & give her a call back a couple of hours later. Then she'll know that you're not always accessible to her at her convinience.

[luvursmile]

Happy Birthday, by the way!

[TrynToGetBy]

Thanks for all the advice Luvursmile.

 

Anyone else have any thoughts, suggestions, advice, or a happy story to share?

[mattyk]

I'm in a similar situation...

 

I'm thinking of ending NC soon. Our relationship went stale, but the breakup was hard and I'm not sure if I want her back at this stage. I have become a whole lot stronger over the last month, and I understand now just how bad things had become.

 

What I've tried to do is focus on myself, and to accept that our relationship is over. It may be that at sime time in the future we try again, but I feel that I still have a way to go before I would be willing to.

 

The difficult thing for me has been healing without relying on the idea that we would get back together. It's been in the back of my mind, but I want to grow regardless of what happens between us in the future. And ultimately, I would need to change significantly before she would be willing to try again, and for the new relationship to work.

 

So I guess I try to keep getting better myself, and let go of the future for now...

[TrynToGetBy]

mattyk - Sorry to hear about your situation. It's been a month since the ex broke up with me and I'm just starting to feel like a normal person again. I still have good days and bad days, but the bad days are no where near as bad as those first couple weeks. I haven't done NC, but we've had very limited contact over the last month (initiated by her). The one thing I'm still struggeling with is letting go of "hope." The one thing I've been telling myself thats helped me is that if it's really meant to be it will be sometime in the future and this time apart will make us stronger, and if it's not meant to be then I'll feel much better soon and be on the path to meeting the real "one."

[blender]

I received you PM and as you requested, I've read both your threads.. and I think it might be best for you to ask yourself some questions so you might find some boundaries and standards for your own heart:

 

1) Are you fulfilled by being "just friends" right now?

2) Do you feel drained emotionally after contact with her?

3) Does being friends seem "truthful" at this point, meaning you are happy to hear about her new dating life, and you can share honest, fun stories about your distinct lives without each other and are comfortable and fulfilled by this new version of your relationship?

 

Answer these questions..

 

if the answer to

1) is "no". Then it's best to start no contact, and no response to her calls.

2) if the answer is "yes" then it's best to start no contact, and no response to her calls.

3) if the answer is "no". then it's best to start no contact, and no response to her calls.

 

I know this seems like a bit of tough love, but for right now, she has not had the "opportunity" to know life without you in it.. so she will not be guided into any "personal discovery of authentic feelings for you" as long as you are "just there".

 

You can not see the forest through the trees, and right now YOU are making yourself a "tree".

 

I know after eight years it seems almost impossible to let go of this relationship.. but is it actually a "fulfilling relationship" as it stands right now? Or are you holding onto what you "hope" it "might" be? Instead of accepting what it actually is turning into right now?

 

You state that "time apart will make us stronger".. well you are not letting this "time apart" actually take place.. she is still able to talk to you if she wants, AND pursue a new guy at the same time.. why would she have to do any "discovery of her authentic feelings"?

 

AS LONG AS YOU ARE WILLING PARTICIPANT in the "friendly banter" She can explore the possilbities with this new guy and know you are "just there" and all is well for her...

 

but what about YOU, what standards and values are you choosing to, in a self respecting way, set for your own heart?

 

If you do not choose to walk through the pain of "no contact" then she won't have to either, and she will not have the precious opportunity to "miss you", to "wonder about you".. to find out that she "might really want to be back with you"... she won't get a chance to discover this if you stay in contact...

 

I know your fear is that if you go "no contact" she might decide to move on all together... okay so what if that happens? You wil then know that you had a wonderful long term relationship with her, that you learned from, cherished, and respected and it didn't work out. And you can move on, and get back to your sense of self, on your own, and be empowered by the adventure, and possibities of your own wonderful future...

 

On the other hand "no contact" also gives the 'hope and possibilty" of a future with her, the biggest chance..

 

because then in time, she might discover a "real sense of losing you" and then make a choice to be in contact because she is intetionally making an effort to make you work as a couple a priority... having learned after "losing contact with you" she might discover that her real love, comfort and security is with you...

 

But as long as you are "just there" and "friendly' without any standards/values for your own heart..well then she will never learn to have standards and value for YOUR heart either.. it's just human nature.. she will just treat you the way you are willing to be treated.. as a guy who is "just there".. instead of a man who clearly and intentionally states:

 

"I love you, and care about you, and want to make us work as a couple, but you seem to be wanting to explore different options right now, and I respect this, so please respect that as long as you are "on the fence" where we are concerned, I need to move on and explore my own options as well..and that means I would appreciate if you would understand my not wanting to be your "buddy" right now, it's too painful, I'm too vulnerable and I have far too much self respect and too much respect for you, and us to play "friends" right now, after all the intamcy and history we have shared, we both know that's too difficult to go backwards in our relationship to a "just friends' level.. so until we are willing to go forward as a couple, I think it's best we allow each other the freedom to be on our own.. and if in time a relationship or friendship between us is what we discover we want, then so be it, but right now, it's time I move on.. as painful as it is.. I need this time to heal."

 

Then you say goodbye, you mourn the loss of what you "hoped" for and you go "no contact". I know this seems so scary, but...She will be flabbergasted by your honesty and maturity.. and then she will try to contact you again, and test the waters, and when you do not respond, or see her, or call her, or email her.. and you are NOT JUST THERE... she just might get the precious opportunity of discovering what life is like without you there... and she will have the chance to discover how valuable the two of you are together.. you.. how valuable YOU are to her..

 

Meanwhile you can discover how valuable YOU are to YOURSELF.. and what you have learned about yourself from this relationship, and what you seek and appreciate in a relationship, and that you would settle for no less... and if it turns out to be with her in the future, wonderful, if not, then you are on to taking this experience for all it's heartache, beauty and memories and applying to making your life, your loves, your relationships in the future that much better...

 

What "good" do you see coming out of staying in contact right now?

 

We are all here for you, so ask anything, and remember this is all done in baby steps, by also asking yourself the questions and trying to separate your feelings from the facts...

 

I know how difficult this is for you, just think it through, love is not an "emergency" but sometimes our "egos" lead us to think it is... so breathe, relax, and start setting some personal standards/values for your heart..

 

Here if you need me, best Blender

[TrynToGetBy]

Blender - Thank you so much for all the time and effort you put into your post. I've read it probably 4 or 5 times since you posted it yesterday to let it all sink in.

 

I understand what you're saying and it all makes sense. The thing holding me back is the fear that if I go completely NC she's just going to forget about us which terrifies me because we have so much history and I really want this to work out. I don't just love the idea of her, losing her has made me realize how much I truly love her.

 

One question I had about your advice is you said to tell her I need NC. When I saw the ex on Sunday i left it with her that I wouldn't contact her, and she knew where to find me if she needed me. I told her I thought we still needed some time away from each other, but didn't completely close the door like you suggested. Do you think I should contact her to tell her about NC, or just tell her that if she contacts me? I feel good and strong about not contacting her, its the not responding to her contact attempts that seems so much harder.

[blender]

No there is no reason to contact her to say you won't be contacting her! What you expressed to her the last time you saw her was perfectly clear.. now you have to stand by those words, and stick to not contacting her. If she does contact you at some point, it depends on the "content and intent" in what she leaves in a message, and you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

For now, try not to let your emotions spin into worse case scenarios of her "forgetting about you".. she won't, the history you share is precious and it won't go away.. but for now, it's important to be respectful, and most of all honest with yourself.

 

You said you told her, "you thought you both still needed some time".. was that honestly how you felt? Because sometimes we might choose to "try to provoke a response" from the ex by saying things we don't really feel... but don't worry about this now, I think it was just your way of protecting yourself and leaving the door open..

 

And maintaining "NO CONTACT' right now is the most effective way to "keep the door open".. because the alternative of "contacting" someone who is not ready to make an effort to intentionally pursue the relationship right now, is a sure way to provoke them to "shut the door" as the only way to get thier space and time.. so please no that by choosing NO CONTACT, you are doing the loving, respectful, honest, and self respecting thing.. and this is when "true love" has a chance to be discovered.. and you should want nothing less then her true love, her choice to make an intentional effort to make you both work out as a couple..

 

Can you trust this for today?? What other fears do you have concerning "no contact"?

[TrynToGetBy]

When I said, "I think we both still need some time..." I was being honest. I know she still needs time because she hasn't told me anything differently, and I need time to heal so that if we do have another chance in the future it's a fresh start and i'm not still a mess from the breakup.

 

I don't really have any other fears about NC (aside from the one I shared above) because I feel like it's already helped me heal a lot. When I think back to how I felt right after the break up in late October, I'm amazed by how much better I feel already. It's still a work in progress and I still miss the ex a lot, but already I feel like I've healed quite a bit. We haven't had complete NC, but it's been very limited (mostly initiated by her), and I have no plans to contact her going forward.

 

In other news, on the moving on front, I do have a date tonight. I don't know if I'm completely ready, but I'm excited about it.

[Ellie2006]

In other news, on the moving on front, I do have a date tonight. I don't know if I'm completely ready, but I'm excited about it.

 

Hey TTGB,

I know I haven't posted on your thread but I've been following it ...

That's great news about your date! Good luck and hope you have fun!

[blender]

Great, you're going out tonight.. have fun.. and it's important now more then ever to keep up the "no contact" even if the ex calls, just do not respond.... talk to a friend or family member or come on here FIRST SO YOU CAN think through whether or not you return any attempts by the ex to contact you... it's a vulnerable time for you, although you are getting stronger, it's not a good time to have any contact with the ex..these "moments of contact" usually set us back emotionally big time.. and it does not give the ex the opportunity to "miss you", or make any "discovery" of "authentic feelings"..

 

so please try to keep "no contact" going..even if the ex calls..okay? Have a good time tonight, keep it "lite and polite"... and try to gain back your sense of self.. you are on the road to healing...

[TrynToGetBy]

I woke up today a little down in the dumps after dreaming about the ex last night. I hate Sunday nights, by far the worst time of the week. Anyway today is 1 week complete NC. We broke up about 6 weeks ago and had been in very limited contact for the first 5 weeks. I was feeling so good last week, but I guess we all have bad days, anway just wanted to share that today's off to a rough start.

[blender]

Yep, it's going to be an ebb and flow, some tough days where you feel a slight emotional set back, I know the heartache is unbearable at times, but be proud of the fact that you've had the courage and wise judgement to maintain no contact and have the respect and integrity to keep it going...You will get to where you are feeling so much better... some days are just tough... but remember you do NOT want to be with anyone who is not making an intentionally loving effort to be in your life. That's that.

[TrynToGetBy]

I wanted to give an update for all those in the early stages of NC. Yesterday was the hardest day I've had since the first week of the break-up. I woke up very depressed and couldn't stop thinking about the ex all day. I was obsessed with thoughts about her and her new guy. Thoughts about this Christmas and years past. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to see her, I wanted to hold her in my arms, BUT I stayed strong and maintained NC. I told myself to just get through today, because most likely you'll wake up tomorrow feeling better, and guess what I was right. I feel much better today, I feel stronger, and I'm so glad I didn't contact the ex yesterday. The people here are right... when you feel like you can't do it, or you feel like you're going to break down, just hold on one more day and more than likely you'll wake up feeling better than you did the night before. I love my ex with all my heart and I hope we get another chance, but each day I get farther from the breakup I realize that even if we don't get another chance I AM GOING TO FINE. She is not the only woman who I can love and she is not the end all be all to me.

[SuperDave71]

TrytoGetBy,

 

 

THAT is exactly what you need to do. Stay strong and work thu the hurt.

 

You will shine when you come out on the other side.

 

 

Take care

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[TrynToGetBy]

I hadn't posted in a week because I hadn't had anything new to add to my story. I've been working on myself and trying to move on with my life, while still hoping that maybe we get another chance in the future. Yesterday was 2 full weeks of NC and before that I'd only heard from her twice in the month before. So what happens... I RUN INTO HER AT THE GYM!

 

I was certainly taken off guard, and I wish it hadn't happened because I'd been doing really well and not thinking that much about her, but ultimately for what it was I don't think it was that bad. We talked for like 5 minutes, it was slightly awkward but mostly it was just light and polite. It was really nice to see her although I feel like it may have set me back a little because all last night and today she's really been on my mind.

 

Next sunday is her Bday and I was thinking about just sending her a Happy Birthday card or text message something that doesn't require a response. Also we're both going to be home around xmas and she mentioned how bored she was going to be since it'll just be her and her parents. I told her if she wanted to grab a drink while we were home to give me a call. I was the one to end our chat and told her I should get back to my work out.

 

What should I do about all this, should I send her a birthday note? Should I try to see her over xmas or wait to see if she contacts me. Any thoughts, as you might be able to tell this has spun me out a little bit.

[silentalways]

i guess i should head back home and make a supper before going to my losercocainejunkiebedghead class [you can catch my act every Monday between 6:30 to 8:00 in the Rideauwood Starlight Lounge]

 

 

damn, just remembered, before i go, i wanted to delete those dating profiles i put up last week on Lava and Fish

 

i think i prefer meeting in person

 

see ya soon everyone

 

merry blissmas

[SuperDave71]

The question is ...

 

What do YOU think you should do about it?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[TrynToGetBy]

I don't know what I should I do. I love my ex. I want to send her a birthday card, and I want to see her around xmas, but more than anything I'd like to get back together. The thing is I don't know if either of the first 2 things I want help me with the third.

 

I gave her the opening to contact me, maybe I should just wait to see what she does. I don't know, can someone please give me some clearer advice here.

[luvursmile]

Well, its her birthday. it wouldnt hurt to give her a call just to say Happy Birthday. She called you for yours right? Just extend the same courtesy to her. As far as taking her out, it depends on you. Are you strong enough yet to go out for a platonic drink with her? Would you able to handle NC after that? If the answer is yes, then take her out. If not, I would think about it. But I would call her or text her a Happy B-Day.

How was your date with the other girl?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think if you are still hoping to get back together, then every time you see her will just make you long for her and make you again feel your loss... so a short term fix, but a long term heartbreak.

 

having said that, if you REALLY want to get back together, and she calls to see you for a drink over Xmas, then you can always bring this up and ask her how she is doing and has she considered that she might want to reconcile with you?

 

if you are still in contact with an ex, it is really important to make sure that you know where you stand, and don't use the contact as a way to build false hopes for yourself, pretending you are happy being friends when you are really dying inside from longing for her. So maybe you need a conversation with her to get better closure, i.e., find out if the time you have been apart has changed her mind, or if she feels that the breakup was the correct thing to do.

 

if she wants to date you again, great, and if not, you have the information you need to get on with your healing. continuing to see someone you want to have a relationship with, while they just want to be friends, is something i find excruciatingly painful (and most people do)... if you have both moved on and neither hopes for a reconciliation, then being friends is fine for both of you, but otherwise it is probably better to say to her, you have my number IF you want to get back together, otherwise it is too painful for me right now...