Interested or just a Serial Flirt?

[Diggler]

Hello, I'm new here but have been a long time visitor and have gained lots of advice from the site. But I would really appraciate some advice on a dilema I have at the moment.

 

It's regarding a colleague at work and I'm trying to work out whether she genuinely likes me (and that I should ask her out) or whether she is a serial flirt and playing game with me...

 

The background to this is:

 

This girl is a work colleague. I've known her for 6 months, been good friends 4 months and have been having feelings for her for 2 months. We work in the same building and see each other and chat maybe once every 2 days.

 

We also go out for work's drinks (never alone), but she makes and effort to sit close to me and generally shows me a lot of attention compared to others in the group. I have seen signs that maybe she likes me, but then I've kinda talked myself out of it focusing on things that shows she isn't that interested.

 

Anyway, here's the list of reasons why she may or may not like me, and I would appreciate input as to what you guys think...

 

- She is genuinly interest in my 'out of work' activities and otfen asks about them.

- After-work's drinks that she does go to - always makes an effort to sit close to me and is interested in what I have to say - we have lots of conversation and she seem smore interested in talking to me than anyone else.

- Complemented me on my clothes, dress sense, and said I smell nice (amonst others)

- Has said that she finds a particular trait of mine that we were talking about as 'endearing'.

- Touchy-feely with me - but also like this with others - but seems more so with me.

 

These signs began way before I had feelings for her and it seems that since I have been feeling this way her 'forwardness' has cooled. Maybe this is me becoming less of a challenge to her?

 

She does'nt have many friends around the office - so maybe she is using me as an outlet to make herself feel better and get though the day?

 

The questions I have that I am hoping you experts can help me work out are these:

 

Is this girl genuinely interested in dating me or is she a serial flirt who is using me to make herself feel better?

 

How do I tell whether this girl likes me or whether I have offically been friend-zoned?

 

Have I left this too long to ask her out now - considering we've known each other for 6 months?

 

Should I start to make myself more of a challenge and un-interested again? And how do I go about doing this?

 

Any help would be much appreciated as this is really messing with my head as I can;t understand whats going on...

 

 

Many Thanks,

 

Diggler.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA D! Great to have you around here.

 

We all can speculate up and down about her intentions. I think there are a lot to situations like this which can't be put into words, e.g., body language, her tone, how she looks at you, etc.

 

I also think you might be thinking about this too deeply and/or too far ahead. You've gotten into a state of confusion already! It's time to act for the sake of your own sanity!

 

You feel a connection and enjoy being with her. That is clear. Ask her out to enjoy that connection and being with her. Forget being a "challenge" and other silly notions. Go out and have some fun.

[Lansing]

I agree.. Just ask her out.. Stop analyzing... Ask her out and see how she responds.. Or.. If you are out for drinks with the whole group, then break off a bit so it is just the two of you at some point so you can chat with her only. However, you probably just want to ask her out to a completely different event/activity and go from there.. It will be easier to read the situation that way and you won't be stuck wondering "does she like me" so much...

[Lansing]

Actually... "No" isn't the worse answer... it is "Yes, I will call you tomorrow to confirm" and then she never calls you and then she doesn't return you call when you try to call her Or any other game that people (not just girls but guys too) play...

[friscodj]

Actually... "No" isn't the worse answer... it is "Yes, I will call you tomorrow to confirm" and then she never calls you and then she doesn't return you call when you try to call her Or any other game that people (not just girls but guys too) play...

 

This wouldn't be such a bad outcome for D. A much worse outcome would be doing nothing and continuing to go nuts like he is right now. At least if this happened as you describe above, he'd not only have a definite answer, but a nice kick in the groin to get him to stop thinking/worrying about her! It'll sting for a while but in the long run, looking back, he'd know definitively that she was not for him. He needs an answer one way or the other right now I think.

 

But in reading his post again, I see no reason why she would do anything like this. If it were me, I'd keep this situation away from the work crew though. No need to generate office gossip, knowing looks, weridness, etc. I'd try to keep this as private as possible.

[Diggler]

Good morning (for me anyway), and thanks for the replies.

 

Friscodj, you are right about the things that can't be put into words. There are many of those too... eye contact, etc.

 

You guys are definitely right; I should get some balls and just ask.

 

The things is, around a month/6 weeks ago I was certain she liked me but personal circumstances meant it wasn't the right time to ask her. At this time I am sure she would have said yes.

 

Now, she seems to have cooled off a little bit with the obvious hints, but still shows me attention.

 

This is where I am worrying. I don't know if she has genuinly grown disinterested, whether I've been friend-zoned, or whether she felt that she wasn't getting anywhere so cooled off for her own benefit. (I know I'm over-analyzing again - but I just felt the need to explain).

 

In any other situation, I would have no problem asking someone out - but my fear of rejection is ampified here - because I've found myself liking her too much already, and also the fact its a work colleague and I'd see her everyday - not to mention the fact we are good friends and rejection could possibly ruin this too.

 

I think this is why I was seeking advice from you guys.

 

Any more thoughts would be welcome, but I know the advice so far is right.

 

Thanks again,

 

Diggler.

[friscodj]

I know I'm over-analyzing again

 

You got that right buddy!

 

A couple of things here:

 

1) I think it is good to look at the issues of work and friendship being affected here. But it is too late...you already like her too much! So those things are already affected.

 

2) You don't need to blow this out of proportion. She works with you and you already have a personal basis with each other. No one's saying to ask her out and head straight to the altar here D. Look at it as "having a fun time" vs. "going on a date with her". The purpose here is to have this fun privately, the two of you, away from work and away from people you work with. You two enjoy each other's company so enjoy it. Nothing more at this point. Take things one step at a time.

 

At any rate, the longer you sit on this the harder it is going to get to get off your * * * and act!

[Dating Coach]

Hello, I'm new here but have been a long time visitor and have gained lots of advice from the site. But I would really appraciate some advice on a dilema I have at the moment.

 

Welcome!

 

This girl is a work colleague. I've known her for 6 months, been good friends 4 months and have been having feelings for her for 2 months. We work in the same building and see each other and chat maybe once every 2 days.

 

2 months is usually too long. This is going to me more trickey because you not only work with her, but were pals as well.

 

We also go out for work's drinks (never alone), but she makes and effort to sit close to me and generally shows me a lot of attention compared to others in the group. I have seen signs that maybe she likes me, but then I've kinda talked myself out of it focusing on things that shows she isn't that interested.

 

Going out for work drinks with other colleagues is not a date-but you know that. It's a friend activity. Also, sitting close to you, flirting, etc are not reliable signs of interest, and likely the signs you think show disinterest are questionable as well. There is one way to know, and that is to ask her out.

 

The shuffling of your feet that you've been doing regarding your interest in her is the only action that leans one way or another in an attempt to predict this, and that unfortunately is a negative because it shows a lack of action, decisiveness, and confidence. You shouldn't be seeking validation that she likes you before you get the courage to pursue her. You like her and that should be all the reason you need. You shouldn't be looking for the green light from her.

 

Anyway, here's the list of reasons why she may or may not like me, and I would appreciate input as to what you guys think...

 

- She is genuinly interest in my 'out of work' activities and otfen asks about them.

- I went on a work's night out (which she wasn't going to) and she made the effort to come into our office and wish me a good night out. The next day she came to see me to see how I was feeling (hangover-wise) and if I had a good night. She didn't do this to anyone else who went out that night.

- After-work's drinks that she does go to - always makes an effort to sit close to me and is interested in what I have to say - we have lots of conversation and she seem smore interested in talking to me than anyone else.

- One after-works drinks when I wasn;t there - she sent me a text message saying it was a shame I wasn't there.

- Complemented me on my clothes, dress sense, and said I smell nice (amonst others)

- Has said that she finds a particular trait of mine that we were talking about as 'endearing'.

- Touchy-feely with me - but also like this with others - but seems more so with me.

 

Those say nothing definite one way or another. I've commonly seen girls do all of this AND MORE toa guy they were not interested in at all. I've also seen girls do this to guys they were interested in. The longer you keep trying to place a meaning to something you'll never figure out on your own then the more likely you let the potential here pass you by. Quit seeking permission, just do it if you want to.

 

She does'nt have many friends around the office and has a very boring job - so maybe she is using me as an outlet to make herself feel better and get though the day?

 

You're thinking too much. Too much thinking and second guessing. This needs to be replaced with action.

 

Is this girl genuinely interested in dating me or is she a serial flirt who is using me to make herself feel better?

 

There is no way to know this, and neither should this be your question. If you need to know her answer before you can work up the courage to ask her out on a date then you're already starting off on the wrong foot. This very often comes through in the impression you make towards her which in turn can, and usually does, have a negative impact on her romantic feelings towards you. Women are attracted to confident men who care enough about themselves to actively pursue their goals and are less attracted to guys who second guess themselves and seek permission before pursuing their aims.

 

How do I tell whether this girl likes me or whether I have offically been friend-zoned?

 

By asking her out on a date, just the two of you. You do not need to "tell her" that you like her, simply ask her out on a date. She will get the picture, you don't need to get all drama on her by spilling your guts, just ask her out on a date. Her response will tell us what the deal is. This is your only real option.

 

Have I left this too long to ask her out now - considering we've known each other for 6 months?

 

It's not a positive sign but not necessarily a deal killer. It is good practice to make your move very shortly after realizing you like a girl.

 

Should I start to make myself more of a challenge and un-interested again? And how do I go about doing this?

 

No. Ask her on a date.

[Belle]

Ask her out. Even if you like her too much. If she turns you down, I promise your feelings will ebb because it's hard to maintain your own interest level when someone doesn't feel the same way. Then you can later go back to being friends if you feel like it. If you let it build up even more than you already have, the chances of something working out are pretty well diminished. Crushes don't work. Just go for it and next time don't sit on it so long. You could already have been over it by now if she had turned you down and been on to the next one.

[Diggler]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I know what I have to do now.....

 

I was gonna do it but the fact that she seems to have 'cooled' her interest kinda kicked my confidence in a little - I guess thats why I was seeking some confirmation.

 

Thanks again for the excellent advice and I'll keep you posted on how it develops.

 

Cheers,

 

Diggler.

[Diggler]

Heres an update and am hoping for some more advice.... sorry for the long post but please bear with me.

 

I found out the other day that she is seeing someone. It took me by surprise but I wasn't as bothered about it as I would have thought. I guess it does explain the cooling of her interest and totally explains why DiggityDogg said I shouldn't have left it so long to ask her out.

 

Heres the story over the last few days:

 

We went out Thursday after work - another group situation but a few less people than usual. We had a good night and spent a couple of hours alone after everyone else had left and stayed out quite late- this was when she kinda mentioned about this other guy - but didn't definitely say they were seeing each other.

 

We arranged to meet up again on Sunday as we were going to be in the same area with our friends.

 

So on Sunday we met in a bar in the afternoon - she was genuinely glad of this and happy to see me. I was with a friend and she was with two of her friends. My friend left after one drink and her two friends left half an hour later, but she stayed with me so it was just the 2 of us again. We stayed talking for 2 hours after the others had left and we only left because we each had other pre-arranged plans - but she could quite easily have left with her friends much earlier if she wanted to. We talked about all sorts of stuff - but I did make the mistake in engaging in conversation about relationships and past relationships we've each had.

 

It was during this time she actually told me the details about this guy she has being seeing. Her exact words were "I've been sort of seeing this guy". She said this has been for about a month or 2 and that they've been out about 6 or 7 times. This wasn't an out of the blue confession it was in keeping with what we were talking about. But I did get the feeling she was uneasy about telling me and that she was trying to explain or justify it to me- which there was no real need for her to do this. She never used the words "boyfriend" to describe him and she did make the point of telling me that she thinks it isn't going to last.

 

I later found out that she was supposed to have met the guy on Thursday when were out but cancelled on him and stayed out with me.

 

She also told me on Sunday that she has made an effort to get to know me the last few months and that she is glad she made the effort and it was worth it - and she obviously enjoys spending time with me. She said she had a fun night with me on Thursday too.

 

I was going to ask her out until I found out about this guy she is "sort of seeing". But this news stopped me.

 

The questions I have are:

 

Why did she keep this guy a secret from me? She talks openly to me about lots of her non-work friends and activities but never once mentioned this or even hinted.

 

Why did she make a point of saying she didn't expect it to last long?

 

And the main question - should I still ask this girl out and hope she ditches the other guy?

 

I'm very confused as to what she wants out of this relationship she has with me at the moment and I really don't know where I stand with her now.

 

Any advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

 

Diggler.

[Diggler]

Can anyone offer any advice on what I should do?

 

I realise the last post was very long so to summarize:

 

- We went out twice over the last few days - both group situations - not dates. Although we spent time alone in both situations after others had left.

 

- She told me she was "sort of seeing this guy" during conversation. But that its "not gonna last". She didn't use the word "boyfriend" and theyve been out 6 or 7 times.

 

- She has never mentioned this guy before, not even hinted.

 

- She cancelled on him to stay out with me one of the nights we went out.

 

- She told me she has made an effort to get to know me the last few months and that she is glad she did as it was worth it.

 

- I was going to ask her out but this news stopped me. Although I know for sure she likes spending time with me (I don't know in what terms though)

 

Why didn't she tell me about this guy?

 

By saying "its not gonna last" with this guy - was she presenting herself as still available?

 

Should I still go ahead and ask her out anyways?

 

Your advice would be much appreciated as I'm really unsure as to what I do now.

 

Many Thanks,

 

Diggler.

[Diggler]

Bump for any advice. Please guys...

 

 

[MrKadash]

- She told me she was "sort of seeing this guy" during conversation. But that its "not gonna last". She didn't use the word "boyfriend" and theyve been out 6 or 7 times.

In my opinion, this needs to be resolved before a relationship between the two of you can go further. You shouldn't have to settle for "wishy washy." I would try and talk to her about it and find out how serious her feelings are for this guy.

BTW, great name Diggler. Cracked me up...

[Juha]

SHe did not want you to know about her seeing someone else because she wants you to get some balls and ask her out!!!

 

SHe is not in a relationship with him just seeing him some times, she blew him off to stay with you that night, that should tell you plenty...

 

NOW WILL YOU GO ASK HER OUT!!!

 

Sorry for yelling, just trying to get my point accross...

[Diggler]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I needed to be told like that Juha, thanks for the wake up dude.