need help getting out of a toxic situation

[shellie12345]

I am in a toxic situation right now. I feel like I have no place to run and I need to get out of it. My ex is back in my life in a very intimate way. It has been sexual, emotional, and intense. However, we are just "friends". He and I both don't want to get back together (not now, we are not ready or sure if thats what we want). But we have been clinging to eachother lately and I am not sure why.

At first I liked it. I love to spend time with him etc...

Recently I have been feeling very depressed and unhappy. I feel like I am letting myself down and that I should have never gotten myself into this mess at all. I just let it happen. I miss him from time to time and I think about him a lot, I just liked having him around.

I am scared that if I cut him off for good I will regret it. I will never know if anything else could have happened or if we were never meant to be. I feel like in order for me to know what he is to me and what I am to him I need to be around to see it.

Can I cut him off and do my thing like I was before he showed up again and still truly figure those things out?

I just feel like we are abusing one another. That neither of us want to commit but can't just let go.

I feel like he compares me to the person I was when we dated and that frustrates me cause I have changed so much. I feel like I am constantly wondering what the hell is going on, I feel like I have no power, I have no idea what he is thinking and half the time I have no idea what I am thinking either. I am so confused...I am so frustrated.

I love him and I care for him so much...but I can't keep doing this. Can I cut him off? How can I do this? I am so scared to let go again....I am in over my head.

[missmebaby]

wow i was in this exact same situation just 3 weeks ago. it had went on for like 2 months and now im in this huge mess because of it. we were just "friends" and we were hanging out together, sleeping together, cuddling, all that stuff. he told me he still had feelings for me, still cared about me, and wanted to get back together just "not right now." i thought i was happy just having him in my life and spending time with him. i thought maybe it would make him realize he still wanted to be with me. but as it turns out he was just keeping me around until he found someone else and it was helping him to gradually get over me. i wish so bad that i would have cut him out of my life and let him miss me and regret his decision to not be with me.

 

you need to stop talking to him and stop seeing him. in order for both of you to figure out what you want you need to see what life is like without each other. you say you feel like you have no power but by cutting him out of your life and going no contact you have ALL the power. either tell him you two need some time off and tell him you will call him in like 3 weeks or a month and you can both see how you feel then, or just disappear for a couple weeks and think about things and see how he reacts to it. trust me you cannot keep hanging out as "just friends" because you are just holding onto what you are both comfortable and used to. by doing this you are holding yourself back from either getting back into a relationship with him where you are both sure its what you want, or you are holding yourself back from meeting someone new and wonderful. i wish i would have taken my own advice months ago, it would have saved me a lot of wasted time, trouble, and a very broken heart.

[Juliana]

Do you feel like you're being overwhelmed, engulfed in the relationship? Considering the length of time you've been dealing with this relationship, why not try figuring out what your biggest concerns are, and maybe talking to him about them, seeing what kind of response you get, before you write him off -- again.

[shellie12345]

I am so overwhelmed. I am so confused with what I am feeling. Are the feelings I have real? Are they old memories? Or are they just things I have made up in my head? I am so frustrated with myself. I am so angry. I am so sad because I wish I was not such an idiot. I am just messed up!

It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only person who has caved like this. Thank you for the replies so far...they help a lot.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

as humans we are very complex emotionally and frequently don't understand our own motivation... but it sounds like this reunion as 'friends' is making you very unhappy?

 

you need to go back and ask yourself, what exactly would have to happen in the relationship for me to be happy, and happy on a sustained basis, not just temporarily comforted of having a few of your needs met, but having more important ones going unfulfilled.

 

there were reasons you broke up to begin with... have any of them changed since then? by that i mean was some former impediment to your happiness removed? or was it more fundamental problems with the relationship that will never be able to change because of who he is and who you are?

 

by default, any relationship that involves abuse is not healthy. if you want to continue, at a minimum one or both of you needs counseling to stop the abuse.

 

and don't beat yourself up about it... a brief reunion with an ex is very common, though usually not successful... it is like a rest stop on the highway... maybe something makes you vulnerable and you feel a crushing need for some comfort and pull in to reunite with him without giving it too much thought first, but not a place you want to stay at permanently!

 

so if nothing has changed to make you think the relationship will make you happy, and you are abusing each other, i say time to pull out and keep going! you're never going to get where you need to go if you get stuck in the past that wasn't great to begin with...

[Juliana]

You really have to talk to him, or you'll never have any clarity. Let's face it; if you were going to have any kind of increased contact with him of any kind -- friends, lovers, whatever -- you were going to have to start articulating things that you are feeling.

 

The fact that you are hesitant to do that is a warning sign that you must do it. It doesn't mean that he's necessarily mistreating you, it doesn't mean your feelings are necessarily groundless, it just means that it's become a pressure in the relationship that you need to respond to. So, talk to him. Once you're in, you know, the only way is to go forward.

[rmpavlock]

Do you want to be with him or not? If the answer is no, then you probably need to be away from each other for awhile. If the answer is no, you probably will not regret cutting him off. If the answer is yes, then you need to talk to him and find out what he thinks about everything. It depends on what you want.

[shellie12345]

I don't know what I want with him. The situation is just confusing me so much that my thoughts change from moment to moment. I need to breathe, take a step back and figure out how I truly feel. I am so lost in this situation. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand. I just need a plan on how to get out. Shake it all off and figure things out in a rational manner.