How to communicate with defensive people. Please help.

[Mackenzie17]

I was wondering what people thought about trying to understand their bf/gf/husband/wife's feelings. My boyfriend of 4 years drives me nuts sometimes, because when he is bothered or has an opinion to share, then I had better understand and respect it. If I voice my opinion about something, and he doesn't want to hear it, he tends to get really defensive, angry, and tells me he doesn't want to hear it. This is really starting to tick me off because I have said to him that we aren't always going to feel the same way on issues, but that we should make an attempt to hear each other out, be understanding, and respectful. I just feel like it's so one-sided with him. He gets defensive very easily and he tends to practice "selective hearing". I just need a way to approach him that's not going to cause him to go into attack mode. I don't name call, or raise my voice to him, or put him down, yet he still seems to get so defensive, and will completely ignore what I am really saying, and make up what he thinks he hears, which is usually so far from the truth. I feel resentment inside, because I feel like I can't talk to him about things that are important to me, because I don't want to go through the hassle of an argument with him. Does anyone have any experience or opinions on how I can deal with this?

[Survictor]

Are there any other problems and has he always been so insensitive to your needs?

[Tj williams]

yea i experienced this a couple of times and hell does it pisses people off. did you ever ask him why he gets so defensive when you ask things? i mean if he gets defensive if you ask that the tell him you need some time to yourself and find someone who would listen to you more like a friend. and talk to them about it. maybe giving you guys time to yourselves will make him feel like the need to treat the relationship like a relationship. i mean for one to work it takes two.

[Mackenzie17]

Yes he has always been that way. I am never trying to cut him down with anything I say and I have to keep telling him that over and over again so he doesn't flip out. He gets like that a lot when he knows I have a point, but he never wants to admit he is wrong on anything. That's not what it's about either. I'm not going into it being like "i'm going to prove you wrong and show you how horrible you are" not at all. i'm just tired of having to tip toe around him and try to figure out how to word things for him. He's a good guy in general, but I just don't know how to deal with this.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah yeah yeah, but what does this have to do with me?

 

You are a good observer. He's lucky to have you.

 

Advice? I dunno. Experience: I've got it. Mainly, I know what it is like to be defensive.

 

Once that mechanism is triggered off, he absolutely does not hear what you are saying.

There is no point in trying.

The aim for him: protect his sore soft.

 

Quick question: Have you had a heart-to-heart with him about this when he is calm (after sex, perhaps...? or after a nice day?)

Layed it out for him how much this is hurting you, and the resentment that is building inside?

[Bethany]

Try a copy of Mars/Venus and both of you read it. It works well for understanding and how to communicate difficult feelings.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

When he did something wrong, did he ever apologize? Could he able admit that he is wrong?

 

Is he very egoistic?

[Aurian]

Well, I have experienced it from both sides.

 

I am a defensive person myself. I take criticism personally, so if its not phrased in a "nice" way, I take it personally, and react. I say things like "its not my fault, this happened..." or suchlike. When phrased harshly, I try explain my side of things because I feel unfairly judged.

 

However, if someone approaches me right, I listen, try understand and cooperate with that person.

 

My ex was also defensive. He was also verbally abusive on a regular basis, ripping me apart for the smallest things, which perhaps explains my defensiveness! However, he kept saying he had the right to an open relationship where he could tell me anything I was doing wrong. However, with him it was a one-way street!

 

In his case, criticism from me was laughable. He had put himself up on this pedestal and looked down on me all the time. The fact that this FLEA had some complaint against him provoked laughter or rage from him no matter how nicely or mildly I put it. "Please stop calling me a piece of * * * *. Calling names hurts my feelings and I do not deserve it." "You DO deserve it. You ARE a piece of * * * *. I will CALL you a piece of * * * *, because that is what YOU are!"

 

So I guess you have to decide what kind of defensiveness this person is. Is his defensiveness rooted in insecurity and can be worked around by expressing your needs in another way? Or is this a defensiveness of a person in a relationship where he is "untouchable?"

[candy604]

your guy has too much pride in him

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Is it possible that they are not comfortable of feeling vulnerable in front of people so they get into a defensive mode?

[StrandedinON]

Defensiveness usually arises out of a perceived threat. Usually, it sounds like here, a perceived criticism. So Diplomacy needs to start kicking in probably on both sides.

 

Things not to say when expressing your frustration at someone:

 

"Always" or "Never." No one ever always or nevers, the saying goes. The permanent presense or lack of presense of a trait is easily perceived as a threat to an ingrained behavior and is defeatist because you already think it won't change using such extreme terms. Try using "Sometimes" or "Every so often" or even "A lot more frequently lately."

 

"You do" "You Say" without any qualifiers "You don't listen to me." For example. Again, it's a non directional personal attack. Turn it not into what a person is doing wrong, but how you react to what that person. "I feel as though my problems and concerns aren't as import as yours sometimes. It feels like you have have difficulty listening to me." Also telling him how things make you FEEL is less threatening as most people believe there's nothing wrong with feelings being wrong.

 

Use the Positive, Positive, Negative, Positive model. "I love that you can open up to me the way you do, and I love that you stand by your opinions so strongly. Sometimes I feel like my opinions get lost in the fray, as if you're having a problem listening to me and my opinions. I feel like I should have as much of a right of expression to you as you have with me. I value your intelligence and ability to come to your opinions, even when they are different from mine."

 

They teach mediators all of those tactics,since they're usually sitting in between two people in the worst kind of fights. Maybe try them with him and see if a little diplomacy gets you heard. If it does, then maybe you can open the door to discuss his attempt at diplomacy as well.