She doesn't do "romance"

[cantexplain]

I've a neighbor whose become a great friend over a period of about one year and half of acquaintance. We have talked and shared many things over many hours of time in the neighborhood and on e-mail and protracted phone conversations.

 

I'm one of those people who is "all thumbs" when dating and takes a considerable amount of time to get "sparked" into a romantic pursuit. So the time came about a month ago I stopped myself and noticed all the energy and time she'd been putting into our friendship. I opened myself to look at her as possible companion-type. I did feel that necessary spark and finally asked her out on a date. She did not deny the date, but was really quick to point out that she wanted to be clear:

 

"I need to let you know that I am only interested in friendship at this stage in my life. DO NOT take this personal, and do not feel that I am too blunt in putting this on the table from the beginning. I do this with everyone. Not sure if that should make you feel better or worse but it is intended to make you feel better in that it is not anything against you - and perhaps I am extremely cheeky in even presuming that you would be interested in anything other than friendship; that is probably how it is with you, I'm just not used to it.

 

I hope, as we become friends and I believe we can if neither of us puts any expectations on one another for something more that each of us has to offer, which for me, is you offering a lot as you already have, then I will perhaps feel more comfortable in confiding in you why I simply don't do 'romance' for lack of a better word. I know it is insanely weird, but that's me and believe me, I've gone through phases of trying to force something else in me and it doesn't work.

 

I wonder if you can understand any of this. Afterall, whatever you have gone through in your life, and whatever you deal with on a daily - nay hourly basis, you still do have a guy's brain there ..."

 

Well, so I figured I did want to be at least friends and also understood that there was still a great measure of getting to know one another, still. She did accept my offers to spend time together and have had three events out together in a period of less than a month - she encouraging me to call her or saying we should do this next week, etc.

 

In another communique I shared with her that I am looking for someone in my life who could offer more and would be happy to continue to get to know her but that our emotional connection was so close I would have to pull back to some degree if for no toher reason than out of respect for other dating possibilities. I learned that there are other guys in her life that are also in this apparently same position as friend and she wrote that she liked and trusted me more, even. Why would she write that if only friendship is at play here - "non-romantic" friendships with me with me or them?

 

And as time has worn on I can certainly sense the presense of these other guy friends in her world - as they probably also can sense me. I am feeling a mixture of insult, of heartbreak, of rejection, and wonder. On the other hand, I wonder if I just need to be patient along the lines that we are two people with their own lives still getting to know one another - and the dating game goes on?

 

I am at a loss if I am getting steam-rolled by her, put on some shelf, or really am just a friend and with his own unrealistic idea of hope and possibility of something more.

 

I am not the kind of guy who can pursue more than one dating interest at once - so to move on I've got to completely let go. Otherwise, I will remain focused on this dating hope - even if I pull-back for a time.

 

Anyone out there see what I am missing or can help me with my negative feelings?

 

Thanks.

[Survictor]

Does she reciprocate, say a kiss? Or is this out of the question?

[cantexplain]

Gosh I took the don't do romance thing to mean that this is out of the question. So I am hearing that a kiss is not welcome.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

OP, I'm not sure I understand your confusion. She has made it clear that she is interested in only friendship and not a romantic relationship with you, but you are still grasping at straws. She has made herself clear, stop trying to look for ways around it, or you are the one not being a good friend.

[cantexplain]

I am confused if I've been "friend-zoned" or just need to be patient. Yes, tbear, that's what I feel is the correct interpretation - that is, that she has been clear about the romance thing.

 

I've yet to act on my looking for ways around it.

 

Is it inner strength and assurance which will allow me to be the good friend, or a cruel self-affliction of frustrated desire for more than friendship which will keep our friend relationship going?

 

Once I felt my own spark of romantic interest it is hard to get back to other place where friendship-only is so much more natural.

 

I appreciate your replies. I am grateful also for the reply asking about a kiss returned but this also confuses me - tweaks that notion that I need to pursue regardless of her clarity that she doesn't do romance. Any women out there think that an attempted kiss at such a place might be really risky all round - or is there something to be said for such an overture at some point in the future?

 

For a kiss to happen I would think that we'd have to change the conversation about the relationship, or she would have to make a first move of her own, now.

 

It seems wisest to be literal here about what she has said.

 

My sense now I should just back away until I am centered enough to be "just friends" not feeling the desire to keep hoping for the possibility of more with her.

 

Catching my heart up to that sense is the difficult part.

[annie24]

I think you should try distancing yourself from her for a while. date others, sign up for an online dating service, go out with your other friends. I think soon, your crush for her will go away and you will meet someone new.

 

And you never know! Maybe just seeing you moving on may make her realize what she's missing out on.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think that you are right, in that you should not persue this. You have already asked and she has basically let you down easy. Now you don't want to be her friend anymore. Maybe your ego is just bruised from this rejection, but it doesn't sound like you're being a good friend to me: You have ulterior motives, and if she doesn't reciprocate then you're out. Well maybe it's for the best then if you don't think you can handle just being friends that you stay away from her, but please don't blame this on her. It's just one of those things, if the sparks not there for her, it's just not there.

 

And no I really don't think you should make any unwanted sexual advances on her. She's already made it clear to you (told you outright) she is not interested in you romantically, now if you were to kiss her in spite of this, I think it would smack of assault.

[cantexplain]

It would be horrible and it is something I could not do. But suggesting it rekindles that inner doubt that there is some possibility of something more.

 

I don't think I am blaming anything on her, but will watch for this as I explore my feelings about all this.

 

The bottom line for me is that I have never had this much attention from a woman and who wanted to be just friends. But there is a first time for everything. At the very least, all this speaks highly of her friendship for me.

 

The line I have to walk is getting over the crush without harming this.

 

I appreciate everyone's reaction to my emotional cloud. I feel more sane for this discussion.

[annie24]

he bottom line for me is that I have never had this much attention from a woman and who wanted to be just friends.

 

you know, I am serious. I would not be surprised AT ALL if when you started to move on and meet new ladies, that this neighbor would suddenly realize she made a huge mistake and let a good guy slip away and she will try to make a serious play for you.

 

it happens. or maybe she does just want to be friends. time will tell....

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think there is very little confusion as to what is going to happen. She said friends only and you should leave it at that. Don't hope, don't want anything else. You keep acting like you want more than friendship then she may just dump you as a friend. Women who have told men "you are a friend" are doing the guy a favor, they're telling you "spend your energies else where I'm not interested".

[cantexplain]

So I should not read anything in to her assurances that ... she tells all the guys in her life now that she "doesn't do romance"... and she likes and trusts me more??

 

I guess that's close to saying spend your energies elsewhere I am not interested.

 

Of her actual statements, one statement without the other would have been easier to digest. And why the words trust and like? I'm guessing that is part of letting me down easy.

 

Do some women say they tell everyone "I can only be a friend"? Sure they do if that's where there at. I was there for many years.

 

I believe she does say this to every guy these days. I wouldn't believe everyone saying this maybe, but know her well enough by now to sincerely believe that this is true for her, right now. I really believe her. Shouldn't I?

 

She would only need to say this to a man once he got the point of romantic overture as I had. One of the thoughts which adds to my confusion is my doubt that the other guys who are also told that she doesn't do romance feel much differently than I as they also continue to spend time with her as a friend. So they, too, must be reigning in their romantic interests after hearing this, or are they? I guess that's not my problem.- just trying to process the dissonances within my heart as a result of this experience. I really want to get to this point you describe. Clearly other men are walking this same line with her as a friend after receiving the "don't do romance" message. She told me this.

 

I'm not sure what I could have done differently so far ... but maybe did a reality check on our relationship a while back before getting to this point. How was I to know that I'd eventually fall for her? Oh well.

 

The wise thing is pull back to recenter myself and to save our friendship. Of course I have already pulled back, purely out of respect for her statements, from the very first time (the only time I might add) that she has had to draw this line for me. And I have done this by continuing our friendship and communication as it was.

 

But this has been hard on me.

 

I think I will not be able to shut the door of my heart fully on her unless there was definitely someone else for her or for me or we didn't have any contact for a good while on the deeper levels we've gotten to, at all. Hey, I really like her, you know. But I know she is not the only person in the world and in current situation could not be, will not be, what I am seeking/needing/wanting.

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone for listening and for your ideas and challenges.

 

 

 

In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

So I should not read anything in to her assurances that ... she tells all the guys in her life now that she "doesn't do romance"... and she likes and trusts me more??

 

I believe that these statements from her are simply to buffer your feelings and to diffuse the situation by telling you, essentially, 'it's not you, it's me'.

 

I've told platonic female friends of mine that I trust them more than some others. I've told my brother that I trust him. So how could that translate to "I didn't really mean it when I said I don't want to be romantically involved with you."?

[cantexplain]

I think get what you are saying: I am trying to read her assurances that she likes me and trust me more as negating her other statement about not doing romance with anyone (me). Actually that is not exactly how this confusion is working against me.

 

What got me is that it seemed a possible light leak in another wise shut door - like "that of all these guys maintaining friendships while also honoring that I don't do romance with anyone, I like and trust you more."

 

Tbear you are clearly setting forth the certain denotation of her words. I am grasping at some hope that I am extra special and can be first in line if that door ever opens again for her.

 

Thanks tbear for hanging in there with your points.

[cantexplain]

Dang I just got a brief, unsolicited e-mail from her.

 

- either my level of interest is not repelling her or she's letting me down real gently.

 

I've been through worse.

 

I am going about recentering myself without desires or even hopes to achieve anything closer than friendship. To do this from this point I'll need to distance myself from this pattern we've been in which apparently keeps tweaking my growing affection and adoration which does not fit with her wants or expectations and certainly not mine, either. When I get there I can only up to a more healthy attitude which can remain focused on our friendship, not my singular desire for more.

 

Thank you everyone.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, she's probably just trying to maintain friendship as usual. And you're right you probably just need to get more centered within yourself, so that you can remain friends with her, and you can persue relationships with other women if and when the opportunity presents itself. At this point I'd take her at her word, that she's just not interested. Don't trick yourself into thinking that if she continues to remain platonic friends with you she's leading you on. That's a no-win for her. Think about this: I give my platonic friends a call all the time, ask them to hang out with me, compliment them and so forth, doesn't in any way indicate I'm interested in them romantically.

[cantexplain]

Yeah I'm feeling better about the friendship angle already and must rewire in my brain and heart for a time, too.

 

But whoa what do you mean if and when the opportunity presents itself for me with other people! Yeah it can be like threading an elephant throughthe eye of a needle - but let's not go if hopeless on me.

 

Also I appreciate your advice that I not trick myself into confusing her continuance of a platonic relationship with her leading me on. Yet I must assert on her behalf and mine that in no time in these posts or my experiences with her have I ever suggested that (her leading me on) might be going on. No, I've never felt that. I've only been confused by my own feelings amidst her nice and voluminous attention. I guess it can then be said that she is that good of a friend. And yes I'm vulnerable after a point.

[kryptik0]

cantexplain: I had a similar experience, only thing in my case, the woman did not make herself clear in the beginning. We went on several dates, she let me pay for everything (she paid for one time she asked me out). Eventually I tried showing some intimacy by trying to touch her in a friendly way (just holding hands, putting my arms around her), she did not respond at all to that even though she did not retract. We were good friends for a month before we started going out. I soon realized that she was friendzoning me, but what I did not understand was why was she still letting me pay for the dates. I eventually stopped calling/emailing her, there was no point in pursuing her any further, as all I could see coming my way was disappointment.

 

I don't know what to tell you, but since she has made herself clear, you should steer clear of any ideas of getting romantically involved with her in any way and save yourself some heartache. Its very hard to go back to being friends after your expectations for possible romantic engagement were turned down by the person in question.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

But whoa what do you mean if and when the opportunity presents itself for me with other people! Yeah it can be like threading an elephant throughthe eye of a needle - but let's not go if hopeless on me.

 

Oops! Good call, that 'if' was a little uncalled for lets just say 'when'!

[cantexplain]

Hi,

 

For those of you who helped choose respect and listening to a person over chemistry and lust - here is an update to this dating nightmare in a new thread by ItsYour Choice entitled A guy tells you about his dating conquests?? This link will take you right to my posts.

[Batya33]

She sounds highly self-absorbed and wants you to know oh, sigh, how many men want her but she just doesn't "do" romance, sigh . . . . Not too classy. Classy is "I am not interested in being in a relationship right now." Period - without all that verbage, psychobabble that really means "I am too chicken to tell you I am not romantically interested but I do want you to know about allll these other men who desire me and are pining away from me because I have said no." Give me a break.

 

She is enjoying the ego trip of hanging out with someone who wants to date her so she can have that level of power and control over you. Thus, not only is she disinterested in a romantic relationship, she is using you and is not a good friend.

[cantexplain]

Thanks.

 

I thought it very bizarre that after two years of his being away, that the very next night after our third and last date that her old boyfriend was spending nights with her again. At the time I was pleased to not be in this situation and if she ever did come back around toward some interest to me, at least the old boyfriend had been flushed out of the woodworks.

 

Her boyfriend's car is a white pick-up painted with multi-colored spots. One can't miss it. I recall seeing it in the neighborhood (at her house) just around the time I started to get to know her. All the while I did get to know her I had the impression that she was way single and not seeing anyone. And the amount of time we talked about neighborhood stuff and other things - on the phone, in e-mail, and in person, I couldn't even fathom there would be some other person anywhere, at her house, her at others, anything. We were like kindred spirits, best friends.

 

What really gets me is that in my time with her (a neighbor of two years we have shared many projects and community efforts) I did not have the impression at all that she was a person who doesn't do relationships. She appeared to me to have the attributes of a person that would be quite the opposite. Obviously I idealized this when I started to fall for her this summer. It wasn't until my romantic overture that all the weird behavior came-out.

 

I'm learning.

[cantexplain]

oh, sigh, how many men want her but she just doesn't "do" romance, sigh . . . . I am too chicken to tell you I am not romantically interested but I do want you to know about allll these other men who desire me and are pining away from me because I have said no.

 

too funny, and thanks.