Gifts from a non-boyfriend to my girlfriend

[Spugly Fuglet]

All I can say is my feeling is she loves ya mate I walked to my wife every day for 9 mouths and well you just know. My feelings are your just fedup with being apart and wont to move from where you to are to closer of out.

 

Do you love her, that what you have to ask now, if you do then get marred move to the same city.

 

My wifes from China there came a point where I broke it off but all that did was make my mind up on just how much I loved and Needed her.

 

Now where having our 1st kid hehe.

 

If it was me and I know I loved her I would fly to NYC to spend time with her.

[Hope75]

I am surprised that you decided to stay with her given her past behaviour and the fact that she really hasn't agreed to stop the behavior with other guys. Plus the fact that you don't trust her still since you were wondering about the Christmas party.

 

It will be interesting to see how you feel when you get back from your trip.

[Rabican]

I am surprised that you decided to stay with her given her past behaviour and the fact that she really hasn't agreed to stop the behavior with other guys. Plus the fact that you don't trust her still since you were wondering about the Christmas party.

 

It will be interesting to see how you feel when you get back from your trip.

 

My thoughts exactly. I feel like he just melted when she started crying (always tough to see one you love hurting) But that doesnt mean he should trust her all of the sudden unless she means to change... and can prove it.

[anonymous coward]

Wow, seems like forever since I posted here, and yet, here I am again, reaching out.

 

My big trip up there over the holidays was great in every way. We were inseparable and had a total blast. 18 days of bliss.

 

Since then things have been mostly good, with arguments here and there. I've gone up twice since then.

 

Then lately....

 

One of her coworkers got her flowers for V-tines day, anonymously. She keeps them on her desk.

 

One of her male coworkers who she works with very closely-- sit next to each other, constantly have to work on stuff together, same guy as before for those who remember (unlikely, I know)-- confided in one of her female coworkers that he likes her, but doesn't know her that well, but thinks she's the most physically attractive person he's ever seen.

 

Thanks for telling me.

 

After all the stuff from the past with that guy and his best friend, who also works there, and who had hit on her before... she has to tell me that he thinks she's so attractive.

 

What did I do? Got a little miffed, but I just swallowed hard and put it aside. I think it's fair to think that the flowers came from him. I didn't push the idea hard, but I did mention it was a real possibility. I took it, and buried it. I hate arguments.

 

So, then tonight.

 

Supposed to be girls night out with some coworkers, one of whom is in town for the weekend but actually lives and works on the other side of the country. A few weeks ago they decided that tonight, for the occasion, they would go to this really big club in Toronto-- the sort of club that can get steamy, if you know what I mean, and most people are there for one reason. I went online to find more about it-- it's called Devils Martini if any of you are familiar. The description is that it's a meat market and a great place to meet girls if you want them.

 

Nice. Why choose that place? I guess she's sort of forced to go along since they're going as a group. No problem-- it's girl's night out. I said I hoped she had a good time.

 

Then today during a quick lunch call, she said that it turns out this guy is going too, and also the other guy, his best friend... the one from before.

 

For any of you who remember (unlikely, I know) the last time something like this happened resulted in disaster. At the wine-tasting galla. Worst night of my life. The guys went nuts, I called her once it started getting really late and everyone sounded drunk, one of them yelled in the phone... and these are supposed to be respectable managers... etc.

 

I broke up with her, actually, because of that on top of all this other stuff. But she didn't let me and we stayed together and made it all work out.

 

And now tonight they're all going to this sexy club together. My girl loves to dance, and when it's her and her friends, I don't mind. But when I know those guys are there in the group too, it makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. I'm actually filled with hate. Why does she have to go? Why does this have to happen?

 

My heart races, now, and I can't concentrate on anything else.

 

It's a repeat of history and I'm brought instantly back to that miserable night that had me sharing my misery with all of you (and you were all so helpful...).

 

I thought for sure they'd never end up in this situation again, that my girl would never end up in this situation... and yet here they are, again.

 

I feel like she should be more considerate, given the situation. I feel like she should know this would be hard for me, after everything else, and that it's a pretty sensitive issue. I would expect her to call me many times tonight, just to check in, for my sake, out of concern or consideration for how I may be feeling, though I doubt she will.

 

And here's the big thing. What I really can't deny is that I really want to see how she acts around those guys. I have thought of calling the club to find a male bartender or something, explain that I need to know who my girl is with and what she's doing there at that place... and maybe, as a guy, he'll take pity on me and see if he spot her and tell me if she's acting really flirtatious, or dancing closely or anything. Something that would explain why these guy issues with her at work don't seem to ever stop. All she ever says is that she's so closed off to them, and that there's no way they could develop feelings and stuff. But I think about them all at a dance club... coworkers.... I just don't understand why this has to happen.

 

It's not that I don't trust that she wouldn't cheat on me, but I am starting to feel like I don't trust that she doesn't try to get their attention and affection or something.

 

Why is she even there tonight? Can't she visit with her friend tomorrow or something? I know it was supposed to be girls night out and she was excited about it... but since those two guys in particular will be with them too... can't she just leave early or not go or something?

 

I feel like such a heel. I really am miserable at the moment. I feel like drinking, or something.

 

It's not supposed to be like this, right?

[Caterina]

Why are you allowing her to make you feel this way? Honestly, you need to break it off. She's done it again--- she's NOT respecting your feelings. Unless you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, you're going to have to let this relationship die.

[anonymous coward]

It's just that the times when it's just she and I are so great. And the way she explains these things away makes me feel like I am just being a jealous bf and I need to just trust, trust trust

[Caterina]

But how can you be a jealous boyfriend if she accepts gifts from other men? I just don't think its right. I think you're actually a normal bf. It depends on what you're willing to put up with, though. If you think you can put up with this for the rest of your life...that her good points weigh out the other ones...then you know what to do...stay with her.

[anonymous coward]

do you think she should have given the flowers to someone else? should i have made a bigger deal out of it? i tried *so hard* not to blow up about it...

[Caterina]

Have you talked to her about it? What did she say? I just don't think its respectful if you've told her you're uncomfortable with it. Sorry to be blunt, but she sounds too flirtacious if anonymous people think that its okay to send her flowers when she has a boyfriend.

[anonymous coward]

No, no-- you have *no* idea how much I appreciate your bluntness. I need to hear it more than ever. My other guy friends don't understand why I'm in this relationship at all. They see me always going up there, and she never coming down here. They see me paying for everything all the time, and she never. She didn't even get me anything for my birthday. But, then again, she made me a nice gift with pictures of us the last time I went up.

 

It's frsutration mixed with deep hurt. It's almost 9. I wonder if they're at the club yet.

[Caterina]

Sweetheart, do you have any girls that are friends or any girls that like you? Thats all I gotta ASK

[anonymous coward]

Point about my guy friends is that they are.. different from most. I'm a really quiet guy, and my buddies are too. We work at university and read philosophy books. A bunch of geeks, really.

 

So when they shed their opinions on me, I guess I sort of overlook them.

But the anonymous comment seems to go into my brain and heart because you have total objectivity...

[Locke2121]

This relationship is poisoing you, slowly but surely. LDR's rarely work out, and for the reasons we're seeing here. You can't be there for her, so someone else will be. I think its time that you make the decision to move on and maybe someday find some whom you can make a new life with, someone you can be there for.

 

She honestly sounds like a wonderful, fun-loving gal. From what I've read, I don't sense any malice in her, nor do I think that she's ever cheated on you....but your here and she's there and it can't hold for much longer.....move on dude, your hurting her as well as yourself.

[Caterina]

Because I think you should go out and have some fun with someone...female or male. I'm really sorry that she's been this disrespectful.

[Caterina]

Well, I don't always give friends merit either...you have to decide for yourself, ultimately. But I just think she's not respecting you.

[anonymous coward]

Hehe, yes, it's a good point. Am I just so desperate that...

 

I don't know. I've had a few girlfriends. I've been way too busy to hang out much since I moved back to the US.

 

It's not that I couldn't find someone else, I think.

[Caterina]

I think right now you should go out and have fun. And I think that when/if she calls, you should say, "I went out with a couple of female friends tonight, wow I had such a blast," and sound super happy. Not many people are gonna agree with me on that, but thats what I'd do. Then I'd break it off.

[Caterina]

I mean, I don't think she's a bad person either. The LDR fact does play into this. But I think she likes to make you jealous too much.

[anonymous coward]

Poisoning. That's well said and well taken. I really do feel poisoned right now.

I guess I always guess I'm poisoning myself. My own trouble, not her.

 

It sucks, man. Really, really sucks.

 

I know it's Friday night and I'm here alone in my office whining. This is total BS.

 

But I'm staring at my phone every 5 minutes.

[Locke2121]

Cat's right. Its time to start thinking of yourself.

 

As for the phone, turn the darn thing off!

[Caterina]

Like I said...you're in NYC, right? I'm sure there is a ton of fun stuff to do. Go do something. With someone female, preferably (keep it platonic tonight, but make sure you have fun).

[anonymous coward]

If those things are happening there, is it better that I know, or that I don't know? Could she be telling me these things because she thinks it's right? Like tonight... there's no way in the world I would ever know those guys were going to be there with her unless she told me. I don't even know if it's good that she did or not.

[Locke2121]

Listen to Cat...get your butt out of your chair, phone up a friend or two and have some fun!

 

All your going to do is give yourself an ulcer setting there worrying about her.

[anonymous coward]

Thanks, guys. I think you're both right. This is inane. What happened to my spine? I used to be a Marine for chrissakes.

[Locke2121]

Then ruck up and start acting like one! I don't think she means to, but she's treating you like a darn doormat!