online dating question

[longhaircats]

I posted other thread about being out of dating scene so long and I really appreciate your help.

 

okay, I put up my ad on a dating site and I replied to one of the guys who wrote to me. He asked me out this Thursday and I initially agreed to meet up with him since he seemed like a decent man based on his profile and his first email. He initiated a chat last night and wanted to talk to me on the phone. After talking to him, I got an impression that he is taking this very seriouslly. (Red flag 1. He asked me to meet at 2pm on a weekday. I said I have a class so cannot make it that early) Right after our phone conversation he initiated a chat again (Red flag 2)and told me I have a nice voice etc. There are other things but at this point I felt it was waaay too much expectation from him.

 

So I wrote an email to him asking to postpone our date and get to know each other more via email etc before meeting up. (I know I should have done that for the first place)

 

He replied to me telling me he arranged everything and got off work that day....So I said "hope you didn't take a day off just for meeting up with me." And his reply was "yes it was for you and you changing your mind shocked me because I was so happy to meet you" Ahh.....okay, but it's creepy!!

 

I don't want to be rude to him, but how to tell him the truth that I'm not interested in talking/meeting up with him? Or is it better not saying anything?

[annie24]

well, if you are getting the creeps, just write him and say, 'I'm sorry, but I guess this isn't going to work out." Then don't take any of his calls.

 

But as a side note, it's typically a good sign when a man is enthusiastic to meet you. so I don't think it's really something to be creeped out about.... unless he is over the top, which I don't know, because I wasn't there

[longhaircats]

Annie,

 

Thanks for your note. I thought at first that it was a good sign that he really wanted to see me, but I felt pressured. I told him after 6 pm would be good, but then he pressured me to meet up early and I felt unconfortable so I asked him to postpone. I got creeped out when I heard that he took a day off for a date!

[annie24]

well, you gotta listen to your gut. yeah, just write him back, tell him it's not going to work out, and don't take any more calls.

 

I've been in a sort of similar situation where a guy also wanted our first meeting to be at a baseball game 3 hours away, where I would have to drive 3 hours to get there, 3 hours at the game, 3 hours back. 9 hours for a first date when I all wanted was coffee. when I didn't have time, he got really angry and bitter, and he creeped me out so I told him it wasn't going to work. he kept calling but stopped after the 4th call ug.

[Jayar]

Yup, well you already know to get to know someone better via e-mail and phone before meeting, so that's great. Lesson #1.

 

Yeah this dude sounds a little TOO eager. But that may in itself not be a bad thing. Wanting to meet mid-day? Good for you for declining. Taking a day off work for a date?! Over the top. Maybe he's just really nervous though so I wouldn't say it's a DEALBREAKER yet.

 

But getting upset when you cancelled? That's worrisome. Most guys would let a shark take off their leg before they'd let on they were disappointed you couldn't make a date (or admit that they took a day off to go on a date).

 

If you want to give it another chance, go for it. Otherwise simply send him a note saying that it appears this is more serious to him than it is to you at this point and you don't want to mislead him or set false expectations. thereforeeee you feel it would be best not to meet up. Then don't talk to him again. You don't owe him anything.

 

Sometimes real weirdos show up online.

[renaissancewoman101]

Is it really a bad thing when a guy goes all out to try to make a good impression on a lady on the first date? I would have found it kinda of touching that a guy would take a day off and want to spend the day with me on the first date, or like go to a baseball game on the first date?

 

I dunno. Most of my first dates with online guys have been quick coffee things where the guy sees me, talks to me, and I never hear from them again.

[annie24]

well, I didn't have a car, so I couldn't really drive 3 hours to the game and back. and it was a full day, and I didn't want to commit to a 3 hour game with a man I didn't know. I thought it would have been best for him to go with a friend who is a baseball fan as opposed to a woman he's never met that doesn't even really like baseball.

 

and he got kind of angry. he left a message on my phone like, "well... I am sorry you can't take just 1 day off of work to go so a game...."

 

I was like, blah!!!!

 

I agree, enthusiasm is good, but before they have even met you, if they seem TOO into it, it can be a little scary!!! I had one guy e-mailing me, sending these long romantic e-mails like, "You are such a goddess...." and I wrote him back like, "uh,,,, you don't even KNOW me!"

[Batya33]

I think it is fine to screen him based on red flags. I totally disagree that further e-mails would raise or even change your comfort level. He can be anyone he wants by typing to you or even by talking to you on the phone. When it came to online dating, if we did not know people in common I would err on the side of not meeting if I got weird or off vibes. I met over 100 men in person, spoke and/or e-mailed with probably hundreds, total. (I am including the one email people). I would email twice or three times at most, have one 20 minute phone call where I listened for off vibes or weird vibes - I would ask casual questions about what he likes to do, what kind of movies he likes - I would limit the heavy questions because I did not want him to be on guard - the casual questions relax them BUT you would be surprised what people reveal in the first five minutes in response to casual questions -here are some examples of people I did not meet:

 

Him: (shouting) how did you get this phone number?? (he gave it to me- and I never used it again)

 

Him, in response to a casual question about his family. "My sister in law is a witch with a "b"" (this after two minutes of speaking. click)

 

Him: describes his favorite graphic s_x scene on s_x and the city, five minutes into the conversation after he asked me if I was ever told i look like kristin davis (yes).

 

Him: "Well, what age did I put in the profile?" (after casually mentioning that I had encountered several men who weren't honest about their ages)

 

If you do mostly listening, with a few casual questions and listen to what he says, how he says it (does he seem negative or depressed) and whether he asks appropriate questions about you you do not need to email or call more before knowing whether he is safe to meet in a public place for a quick coffee.

 

Worked well for me.

[blemished]

Batya - yowsa, what horror stories! What questions do you recommend for discerning safety and such?

[longhaircats]

Betya, 100 men! wow! I'm just curious, did you meet anyone nice? I am asking because I put down my ad after this and am not sure if it's worth keep trying. I talked one more guy I met online but he seems like a player, because he initiated a chat but he did not remember who I was and asked me to send my pics.....

 

Annie, I would certainly not want to spend 9 hours for a first date either and he was upset by you because you couldn't make it is even worse!

 

Jayar, renaissancewoman, the dealbreaker for me was that he made me feel bad by telling me that he took a day off just for me. He just left an offline message saying how dissappointed he was me cancelling. He didn't have to take a day off because we were supporsed to meet at 5pm (despite my wish to meet after 6pm)!!

[Batya33]

Is it really a bad thing when a guy goes all out to try to make a good impression on a lady on the first date? I would have found it kinda of touching that a guy would take a day off and want to spend the day with me on the first date, or like go to a baseball game on the first date?

 

I dunno. Most of my first dates with online guys have been quick coffee things where the guy sees me, talks to me, and I never hear from them again.

 

I would find it creepy as in why is he willing to go all out for a complete stranger. It also raises expectations way too high on both sides.

[Batya33]

Hi there - yes I met many quality men through on line dating but you should know that much of the time we knew people in common so it wasn't truly like meeting a complete stranger. Out of the men I met in person, about 60-70% wanted to see me again and I wanted to see a bit more than half of them again. I would say I went out with about a dozen of them three or more times, and about 6 or 7 of them more than 5 times.

 

I had about five dating relationships that lasted 2 months or more - the longest was three months. I ended all of them for these kinds of reasons: one only wanted s_x, one was way too effeminate for me, one had a serious mental disorder that only came out after dating a few months, one acted very rudely and disrespectfully on our last 3 dates including getting drunk and walking out on me, and one was way too insecure for my taste (and partly because I met someone else - we were not dating exclusively).

 

So - not sure if that adds up but those are my stats ;-). I also made a few lasting friendships which is nice.

 

Someone asked how I got good at screening. Well, I've been dating since I was 15, I used to answer personal ads in the old days and I am very good at listening for things like depression, too much negativity, hostility, only after s_x, material inaccuracies, etc. Part of my job is also to do that so I am constantly practicing, lol.

 

And - I always had reasonable to very good self esteem and a thick skin. I NEVER felt desperate to meet someone or very lonely so that when I judged these men over the phone, I could be pretty much objective. Yes, a charming voice/way of speaking would um, cloud my judgment a bit but I was very serious about my "screening." and the men really didn't know what I was up to. I was light, breezy, went wherever the conversation took us, but the wheels were turning. Why? Because I'm a woman and it's not entirely comfortable for me to have a man have my phone number and meet me in person because of safety.

 

I also cancelled two dates with men who did not understand why I would not be willing to get in a car with them on a first meeting. I explained that it wasn't about "them" but that for my personal safety, I did not get into cars with men I had only met in person once. Since they could not understand that, they clearly were not for me.

 

I know of several happy marriages through on line dating. If I am ever unattached again I would do on line dating again.

[Saturn2006]

This is my first post, I've been reading a lot on here and wanted to add my two peneth so to speak! I've done quite a bit of online dating over the years and have decided it's really something I want to keep away from. Most recently I signed up again to a new site in the hope that I would find something better this time. I started chatting with a guy that lived quite near me, so we arranged to meet at a bar. Then the day before the day he texted me and asked if I would like to call by his house and share a bottle of wine with him. That was it for me, I've learnt something by now, and that's if someone can't be bothered to go on a proper date with you they are not worth dating! Also this is a typical example of someone that is looking for sex from the get go. I am definitely trying to stay away from the dating sites for good, I have never found a lasting relationship from online dating.

[Batya33]

Hmmm - to me the first date is not a real date because - whoever is doing the asking - has never met you in person - it is a "first meet" - having said that of course the people involved should agree to meet in a public place and should otherwise be respectful, just like you would be meeting anyone for the first time. Expecting the man to plan a full fledged date in advance is a bit much and probably not a great idea if you meet and don't click right off the bat.

 

I also never found a long term relationship through the on line sites - was offered a few but they were nice but not for me.