How do I handle this seperation?

[StaceyMay]

Me and my husband of three years finally hit our breaking point Sunday when I discovered that he was confiding in a "female friend" about our marriage and his unhappiness. Thats not good, AT ALL. He decided to leave me and go stay with his dad for a while. But before he left we actually talked after we both calmed down. He said he was just so unhappy and he felt unappreciated and unloved. He said the female was a friend from 8 years ago that he had reunited with and he had only called her a few times and went to her house once (with our kids). I was furious! This situation wouldnt be so bad if we were not already trying to overcome infidelity.

 

Anyways, I want him to know that I am not a doormat for him to wipe his feet all over and that he can not strattle the fence.

 

He cried to me Sunday and said he was sorry and that he just needed some time to find himself. He needed time to find happiness again. I comforted him but I did not shed one tear and I told him that I would give him his space and that I wouldnt call him, he could call me. I made sure to express my love for him and concern for him but I was ok with it because I am not the same person either. I am unhappy and suffer from depression and I needed time for myself as well. I have already taken a few steps in discovering contentment, I have started taking a mild antidepressant once a day.

 

Since then he has called me 4 times to check on me and our son, I havent called him once and its driving me crazy not knowing what he's thinking or how he's feeling. However I am nice with him on the phone and bring up nothing personal that could cause an argument.

 

Here's the Question.....By not calling him, which by the way is completely out of my character, I am usually calling and calling, begging and pleading, is it the best way to let him know that I respect his time to think and to know that I am not going to be run over anymore? Am I letting him know that I am not sitting at home crying while he goes out and has fun. Im I making him think that Im stronger now and he may really lose me this time?? Will it make him second guess his actions and decisions?

 

I dont know....I just want to do whats right without being used and mistreated. I love him and I want whats best for us.

 

Any advice please??

[amtjrtcet]

I think you are doing the right thing by not calling him, but maybe you shouldn't be answering his calls either. At least not all of them. Yes-he should be able to check on your son, but don't make YOU so available to him when he's feeling like it. Let him see what its really like to not have YOU in his life. Then maybe he will realize what he's got and what he could lose, permanently.

 

While you are giving him his space, take some for yourself. Take this time to find out what YOU want and what's really best for YOU and your son.

 

Good luck! Stay strong.

[StaceyMay]

but maybe you shouldn't be answering his calls either.

 

But I dont want him to feel like I dont care about him at all. I am afraid he would really consider straying then. Finding comfort in another woman or alcohol is likely in the state of mind he is in. I dont want that.

[TxRedheadGuy]

Aside from him bringing your kids along when he went to visit this friend (which is the only objectionable part I see), is it possible that this is the only person he felt he could confide in and get advice from? I know you stated you are getting over infidelity issues, so I have to ask is this the one he was unfaithful with? If not don't read more into it than needs be done.

I prefer relationship advice from females as it gives me an insight into their perspective of how things are or should be going.

As far as not answering the phone when he calls to talk to you, yes it does tend the make men think we are more liable to loose you if we have not already done so. Just don't do it to a degree as totally break the lines of communication between the two of you, which in the end would have far worse consequences for your relationship.

[StaceyMay]

is this the one he was unfaithful with?

 

 

First off thank you for your insite. Secondly, no it is not the same women. This

"friend" is an attractive woman whom he hasnt seen in 8 years, they exchanged numbers and when he new I was out eating with my girlfriends he took it upon himself to take my kids to her house to talk, claiming he ran into her at a gas station.

 

I think he is craving attention from an attractive women. And as vulnerable and depressed as he is now Im not sure how he would handle being given a personal invite from her. Afterall she is single, lives alone and pretty. I quess I am just very insecure.

 

Lastly, I am not calling him, AT ALL. However I am recieving every phone call from him. Im not ignoring them. Do you think I should ignore a few of his calls? You are a guy would it make you wonder what I was doing and maybe question your decision?

[DN]

If, as seems highly likely, your marriage broke down because of bad communication skills then not talking to each other now is hardly likely to fix anything.

[TxRedheadGuy]

Perhaps as he said, he did indeed run into her at a gas station. I know it seems highly unlikely and I am normally the last one to believe in coincidence, but it does happen from time to time. I think perhaps he is calling as often as he is because this "friend" told him to do everything he could to try and keep the lines of communication open in hopes of saving the marriage. Not taking the calls might do more harm than good I feel because he could get the impression you are losing interest in trying to work things out. Perhaps even calling him might help the situation, show him you are willing to reach out and try to make this work. If he was willing to take the kids there to her house I doubt he was thinking about anything that he shouldn't have been, and even though the attention of a pretty woman does stroke the male ego, I don't think you have to worry about competition from her unless your relationship goes farther south.

I hope this has helped

[404]

StaceyMay, I don't know if anyone ever gets the hint that they might actually loose their spouse if they don't stop screwing around.

 

Whether or not he might loose you this time, isn't it more important that he respect you and your marriage -- that should be more important that the fear of loosing you right?

 

If you are just looking to save your marriage and have him stop cheating then ask a professional, follow their advice, play the odds and hope that even if the actions you take have to be cruel and don't show him anything that they achieve their goal of saving your marriage.

 

If there are things you want him to learn and saving your marriage is 2nd to your piece of mind and you would prefer to act true to your feelings even if it ends then choose your actions based on that.

 

I guess what I am saying is that these 2 things are not usually compatible...at least they aren't for me. I'm trying to make this choice now between saving my marriage, swallowing my pride and acting in ways I do not want to act towards a wife who cheated on me again or being straightforward about how I feel and act accordingly even though it will probably end things.

 

For a change make sure its all about what you want. There are probably things you can do to make him stop(though I'd turn to books and counselors for that info), but don't expect to teach him a lesson about anything.

[Survictor]

This guy isn't handling marriage very well eh? He wants a wife he can fall on if he wants that, a pretty girl waiting in the wings etc.

 

What do you want?

 

If you don't want to be a doormat, then don't be one! Don't be so available so he can wipe his feet on you when he pops in to shelter from the rain.

 

You deserve more!