ladies, would you stay with me??

[mjeswoosh]

i work in a hospital and started dating a co-worker about 7 months ago. we took things slow because both of us have had terrible relationship experiences in the past. however, things have started to heat up in the past few months. we have talked about moving in together within the next year and even discussing our futures. she has two little girls from her past relationship although she never married. her partner was extremely abusive and was even jailed several times for domestic abuse.

 

Sorry this is so long, bear with me and please advise. thank you!

 

my situation though is a little more complex. i served in the army for 8 years. within that time i was married and had two boys with my wife. during my last 14 months i was sent to Korea to finish my enlistment. while i was in korea, my wife left me and when i came back to the states she had filed for divorce. i had no leg to stand on in a custody battle because i had been away from my children for over a year. i was given the wednesday/every other weekend visitation to no avail. however, she hid my sons, would never be at home on my days or weekends and put my kids in private schools so i could not visit them during the day. i went back to court several times, had visitation modified, orders sent to school stating i could visit but she never changed. the judge said a custody change was out of the question because the children were in a safe environment and he did not want to change it although he noted the situation warranted it.

 

i had enough, i was dying inside and could not stand the pain nor was i able to continue spending $1000's of dollars in legal fees. so i moved about an hour away, enrolled in a university and finished my degree. i eventually met someone, got married again and had a little girl with her. things were great for awhile but a new side to this woman started to appear. she was a compulsive liar, had to be in control of everything and never would communicate when we had problems. let me say, i am not perfect but i learned that relationships take work and i am very tolerant and accepting. but enough was enough, we divorced over a year ago, agreed to joint custody and we both parent our little girl an equal amount of time.

 

so this brings me to today. i am in this relationship with my co-worker and i have never told her or anyone about my two boys out of sheer pain and anguish. i am the absolute best father to my little girl, i love her to death. i try to see my sons when possible, which is rare but am able to maintain phone contact. i did not exclude this info intentionally, i just did not want my personal life to be spread around work if things did not work out between us. i really love this woman as she does me but want her to know about my past and i finally feel like i can share this with her and she will respect me and not pass it around. i treat my girlfriend like a princess, i know i am a great guy, all of my girl friends adore me and how i treat my partner and my little girl, i just made bad choices for partners in the past. i do not want to rush this relationship like i did with my previous ones.

 

so i am wondering ladies:

 

would you be understanding? would this be too much of a shock? would this cause mistrust amongst us? how would you feel? please be specific!

 

i plan to tell her this week so your advice i deeply appreciated and going to be highly contemplated. thank you again!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I can see your reasons for not telling her in the first place....but 7 months is kind of a long time to keep that secret.

[DizzyDoris]

Basically just tell her the story like you've just told us. Be willing to answer all her questions honestly and expect her to be a little confused as to why you've never spoken of them before now. If she really loves you she will understand and this wont change anything, although she may wonder what else you are keeping from her. Good luck and just be honest, im sure everything will work out fine!

[doyathink]

I had this same secret kept from me for over a year AFTER I married. I can understand your reasoning and I would maybe have done the same if I were in your situation.

 

I commend you for wanting to tell her now and I also would have waited for the relationship to become more 'solid' seeing that you two work together.

 

Tell her, and also explain why you held off. That you dont just tell everyone you meet about this because it's painful for you.

[mjeswoosh]

thx everyone!

 

were you understanding?

did you stay with your partner?

how did you handle your situation?

 

my girlfriend was treated so bad in her last relationship, it is so hard for her to trust anyone. i knew this all along but neither one of us has had a great relationship experinece until this point in our lives.

[doyathink]

were you understanding?

 

yeah, after about six years! I would have never found out if court papers had not been sent...because the mother had up and abandoned this child.

 

did you stay with your partner?

 

Broke up for a while, but you have to realize...I had asked if he had any children while we were dating and I was told no...I hate liers! And the fact we were already married at this point for well over a year so he knew our relationship was serious...hello!

 

how did you handle your situation?

 

I crushed a telephone into the side of his head! (yeah, I was supprised to say the least)

[mjeswoosh]

i enjoyed your first reply much better, lol!

 

thanks for the advice, coming from someone in your position i appreciate your kind words and the cautionary tales. nonetheless, sometimes the truth hurts!

[doyathink]

Hey yeah, dont be standing by any phones when you tell her this...lol ..Infact just stand in the middle of the street and yell it to her from a distance.

 

Seriously, if he would have told me while we were still dating and before I opened the court papers and got hit with it, it wouldn't have stung like that.

[mjeswoosh]

i like the idea of yelling it from accross the street. lol!

 

i really wanted her to get to know me as a person so she would be able to balance what i a telling her versus reality. it sounds crappy and i would question it as well, but like i said, i have never made good choices in the past regarding relaitonships. i was always trying to compensate for deficiencies in my childhood. i have learned and i feel confident about what i am doing, i just hope this works out!

[doyathink]

You could tell her this is a very touchy subject for you and hard to tell anyone but that you feel it's time because you care for her so much.

 

It has taken a lot for you to put this kind of trust into her/anyone and now that you have it, it's time to let a few 'deep' ones out...

[Entomon]

I agree with the rest. Just tell her how you came to tell us. The worst is she'll be upset and confused and question your integrity. But the fact that you want to come clean says oodles about your character - you have morals and a sense of responsibility to do the right thing.

Good luck!

[mjeswoosh]

Wow! You rock Honah! Where can I send the "thank you" card?

 

I was wondering, how did your family handle the news, especially after you two were married? I have met some of her family, and told them I have a daughter and some of them have already met her. I feel guilty about not completely divulging my past to them. Although, her Dad is a bear, rightfully so after her last relationship and I have yet to meet him. He does not just want her bringing "some" guy home. So this has added to my anxiety as well.

[doyathink]

To my pm box...hehe

 

Well, since this didn't happen directly to them, they weren't as upset as I was. Mom didn't smash him in the head with anything but they were a little upset..because of me really.

 

But...your not married yet and I think that makes a lot of difference. You are in a committed relationship and you are ready to tell her now. If you waited till after you were married (if that would happen) then I would think the yelling it from accross the street would be the best idea...lol

 

If you haven't met her father yet then wear body armor when you do...lol, jk

No, you don't owe it to her family, you owe it to her and your stepping up to the plate now...good for you. Her family will be fine...

 

Make sure you let us know what the outcome is, and if you cant type after you tell her...use a pencil in your teeth...if you have any of those left either....LMOA!.....ok?

[whoops]

if she loves you she will understand and to keep it any longer from her is not a great thing to do

[jilligirl]

Tell her. Big deal, you have two more kids from a previous marriage. It's not like you got some girl pregnant out of wedlock and then left her. You were married and your wife divorced you (for whatever reasons). Hey, it happens. This new lady of yours is going to find out sooner or later, and the longer you wait, the greater chance that she'll find out on her own somehow-- and THEN you'll be up the "creek." And plus, she'll be more hurt knowing that you've kept this from her if the time you spent KEEPING this from her is any longer than it already is.

 

Just tell her, she might react better than you think. It's not like YOU did anything wrong. And so what if she tells people? OK so people might be "talking" but it won't last forever- they'll get over it quickly.

 

Relax, man. Things could be worse

[doyathink]

WELL......did you tell her?

[Helen67]

Maybe the phone round the head has knocked him out for a few days. lol

 

Have to wait abit before he is well enough to reply...

 

Aside from that, hope it goes well for Woosh!

[mjeswoosh]

You rock! Thanks for asking but not yet!

 

I wish i had the opportunity to do so! The situation is a little more complex which is probably why I waited so long to even attempt this. Due to some things that happened with my partners ex (he was arrested multiple times for domestic abuse and violence), she moved in with her father. Her father is ULTRA-OVERPROTECTIVE which I understand based upon her past. Her ex sees the kids very little; so along with the fact the she lives at her father's and has little free time alone, it is hard to find time to have a quality conversation like this.

 

I have felt so guilty lately, I am starting to feel so terrible b/c I have not shared this with her. I want to tell her soon b/c if she cannot handle this I will feel so guilty for not telling her in the first place and prolonging things.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Momene]

Definitely you need to tell her before you move the relationship to the next level.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've had so much in your life.

[Helen67]

I can understand you wanting to wait for the right moment to tell her. But I suppose for some things, there never is a right moment, it's an excuse for delaying the inevitable.

 

Agree with Momene, and best of luck!!

 

Helen.

[doyathink]

Maybe the phone round the head has knocked him out for a few days. lol

 

Have to wait abit before he is well enough to reply...

 

Aside from that, hope it goes well for Woosh!

 

LOL Helen.....I hope not.

 

I wish you the best woosh, good luck.