How do you stay JUST friends??

[Yvette84]

Hi, well most of you know my baggage, I officially swore off men for a while because I've had one horrible relationship after the next and I just feel I need time to myself and to heal. Anyways....of course I have to meet this guy at work like a few days after my last breakup, and he is SOOOO sweet and actually SANE for once!!! I wanted to just be friends with him but I'm kinda starting to like him. He asked me out and I told him what I've been through and I gave him my number and told him we could still hang out.

 

Anyways, So how do I keep this as JUST friends???? he wants more, but he understands,we both want tp be friends yet we keep flirting and are attratced to each other. I have a hard time with this, controlling my emotions thing, I usually give in right away, then get hurt. Any tips for gaining self control & logic and JUST staying friends? yet still leaving it open to the chance of maybe a future together???

[friscodj]

It sounds to me like you are afraid of getting hurt again based on the past. This is understandable. Just realize the past is the past and the now is the now. This guy doesn't deserve to be associated with guys in the past and the predicition of his behavior shouldn't be based on such.

 

With that said, I wouldn't fight this, I would roll with it, roll with the emotions. Your role should be to apply the wisdom and maturity you've acquired from your past relationships in your assessment of the situation and the ability to make good decisions regarding it. If you see patterns from your past relationships you deem unhealthy resurfacing, keep them in check and work towards solutions.

 

Live life, let it roll. Everyone has baggage. Just focus on keeping yours packed away in nice Samsonite cases and not flying out of a half-closed trunk by keeping your wits about you.

[what do i do]

I think you should try it with him. Don't let what other guys did in the past ruin your chance of hapiness. Just take it slow. He know what you have been through, so he should understand you need to take is slow. Try it, what do you have to lose.

[annie24]

hey yvette - yeah, you went through a lot. that was just last week, wasn't it?

 

I mean, I think just go and hang out with him. just tell him you need to go slow, you aren't the type of girl to jump from one man to another, and he might appreciate that. don't go to his place or let him come to yours until you are ready. go out, go to the movies, go get lunch, go to the park, etc... broad daylight, away from the privacy of your homes, that should keep things slow for now.

[Yvette84]

Yes it was just last week! that's why I feel I need time to heal. I don't wanna do the rebound thing either. But I can't seem to be able to say no to this guy. (with small things, not sexual stuff, we haven't even kissed!) and yes I am scared of getting hurt again, I mean it happens over and over and over. I just need a break. But like I said...it's not that easy

[Batya33]

What I would do is act toward him the way you would if he was totally off limits - i.e. married or attached. You cannot control your emotions but you can control your reactions to your emotions. If that is not possible for you then you cannot be "friends" with him - it's not like you have a long standing friendship so your "friendship" consists of a lot of flirting, etc. Tell him that you are interested in more than friendship but need time and space to heal and you will let him know if and when you are ready to date again and if he is still interested and available you hope you can spend time together at that time.

[turqoise]

Hey I was reading this thinking i`d like some advice too. Batya`s advice is great, huh?

I totally understand, as I find it hard to control my emotions and have ended up being so hurt. But you know, I kick myself later because I realise my heart knew from the beginning that is was either not going to be an eternal relationship, it was going to be a short or difficult relationship, just I enjoyed being with them so much that I ignored what my heart warned me about. I don`t know about you, but I found that with each relationship where I was the one being dumped, it was extra hard (as in, the world is over, i am a loser, no sleeping or eating or anything for 3 months, hard) to recover...

The off-limit idea is awesome-I`m trying that next time I meet my mr almost-right!

[Sandi]

How to stay friends only - be friends with a guy who you are in no way attracted to.

 

If you're attracted but don't want to be then try and treat him like Batya said - as if you're not available. Treat him like a girlfriend. If you hug girlfriends then hug him, but if you don't sit with your arms round your girlfriends then don't sit with him like that. If you don't encourage him then he'll have nothing to get his hopes up about

[Yvette84]

I said I would try that with my nxt guy too...and here I am again! it seems we share a brain turqoise. Today were hanging out outside of work for the first time!! wish me luck! it's hard also because I have a very flirty personality naturally when I like a guy. I'll keep you posted.

[Batya33]

Good luck! Remember - however you are "naturally" if that isn't appropriate for the situation or healthy for you, you have the choice not to flirt. Better to realize that than go along thinking you have no control (you also have the choice not to see him in a date like situation, but you know the risks!)

[friscodj]

I would caution against "acting" and creating essentially a false situation like this. I've certainly done this before and each time, things invariably get weird, sexual tension builds, and the truth of your feelings and desires is exposed in time anyway.

 

In this situation, I think a clear decision needs to be made. He likes you and you like him. He has feelings that can get hurt here just like you. Either pursue something or don't spend time together. Just cut to the proverbial chase in that sense earlier than later.

[Yvette84]

well we just spent time together for the first timne alone and it was great

he was the sweetest guy I've ever met!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he was so repectful too. He just asked if he could get a hug at the end of the night. It was great! now I'm ever more confused!!!!

[turqoise]

Eeehee, totally know that feeling. It`s so nice to be swept away~

I reckon the world is split into two kinds of people - those who have self control and those who let emotions get the better of them. It`s hard being the latter!!

 

Well, I don`t know. It depends if you`re OK if this turns out to be a little fun, I guess. Having said that, if you`re like me, that time alone with the guy has probably just melted you and you`re going to want to see where this goes...one thing that my sister said to me once (which didn`t stop me, but made me be honest with myself having this tiny niggling feeling) was `is he the one? do your senses tell you he`S the one you`re going to marry? be totally honest`.

 

One grandma I talked to after my last breakup, which was really really bad, told me about how she picked her guys. She said that one guy asked her to a dance on their first date, and though he was nice and she liked him, for half the night she caught him checking out other girls, and so she told him that very night not to call and never saw him again! (I wouldn`T have the willpower to do that) Then she met her current husband and knew he was the one...some people seem to be able to just do what`s good for them.

[Batya33]

well we just spent time together for the first timne alone and it was great

he was the sweetest guy I've ever met!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he was so repectful too. He just asked if he could get a hug at the end of the night. It was great! now I'm ever more confused!!!!

 

Nothing to be confused about - you chose to see him socially in a date-like situation knowing that you are attracted to each other - very difficult to stay just friends in that kind of setting but you were willing to take that risk. Now, all you need to decide is, do you want to be just friends - in which case you probably want to stop being in situations that are date-like with him or do you want to date him in which case you just go with the flow.

 

That's great that he was sweet and I hope you choose to take things slow and get to know him consistently over time. As you know from your last experience, your impressions of someone before you really know the person can turn out not to be accurate.

 

And, of course you can choose to throw caution to the wind, assume you are right in your impressions, throw yourself into this relationship 100% and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Nothing to be confused about - you are in the driver's seat and making all the decisions - and can continue to make decisions.

[Batya33]

I disagree. There is a middle ground where you can let your emotions have a role in your decision making and also have some sense of self esteem/self control so that you can make a decision that is healthy for you.

 

You are right - some people "just know" and they are very lucky - for those who don't doesn't mean they cannot make just as good decisions. In your grandmother's day typically women didn't sleep with men early on - and often not till marriage - these days I think some women believe they "just know" because of the sex/lust, etc and they cannot see clearly who the person really is.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think there is nothing wrong with dating him, as long as you keep perspective... by that i mean, recognize that NOBODY knows anybody after a few dates... you're cruising on all those happy 'fresh new love' hormones, and need to remind yourself that you need to check his and your own behavior against reality...

 

so i would keep seeing him, but fight the 'hearts and flowers' tendency you have to get too excited when you don't really know the person... remind yourself that a genuine relationship and caring gets built over time, and that trusting someone totally that you don't really know is foolish too...

 

so don't blame him for your past negative experience (and shut off a potentially good friendship), but don't go on autopilot and assume he is your one true love because you get some good hormone rush from him...

 

see him in group situations for a while, and get evaluations from your other friends etc. try to pace yourself too... it's the difference between taking one small slice of cake at a time and enjoying it, or getting too excited and eating the whole cake at once and being very sorry and sick about it later...

 

so don't jump in with both feet, test the water first! good luck, have fun, be careful!