No Contact Strategy

[wonderfulconfusion]

Id like some advice on this NC thing.

 

I dont know if anyone remembers my stories but it doesnt really matter.

 

Ive realized that the hardest thing about keeping NC is the fact of being afraid that by doing it you're pushing the person away and helpin gthme forget about you... thats how I feel by initiating it.

 

I'd love for some of you to give me your experiences with NC, is it true or am I completley wrong. Does it push our ex's to forget about us or to miss us.

 

How many of you have initiated NC with a good surprise after the effort?

[Batya33]

A friend of mine as of 2001 had been married for 10 years to a man who broke up with her after about a year of dating and 8 months later sent her roses on valentine's day, they got back together and were engaged 8 months later (I assume they are still married - I have lost touch with her).

 

My friend's cousin, now 41 - was with a man on and off for about 8 years - he kept getting scared - she wouldn't talk to him for over a year if not more - he wanted another chance - she waited another 6 months before deciding, then she did, he proposed a few months later and they are getting married I believe in January.

 

A friend of mine - guy broke up with her in 2003 after dating about a year - he was scared - I am almost positive she did nc - about a year later he contacted her, they got engaged 4 months later and have been married for a year.

 

I will never believe that someone who really wants you will forget about you based on nc - if anything they will think about you more.

[RVD001]

I felt the same exact way. However, with my experience maintaining contact pushed them away and made me feel even worse. So I can only assume the opposite, doing NC must be better.

[wonderfulconfusion]

Thank you Batya33...

 

You believe NC is a good way to attempt to get your ex back in a way... We can never get passed the 2 - 3 days and always happy to talk to each other...but then it quickly gets bad...fighting! I know NC is the best way to go... I just wish I had a guarantee that he will call... just like all your other friends!! Thanks for those stories.

[Batya33]

There are no guarantees that anyone will call anyone (the privilege of being in a relationship is balanced by those types of risks) and you and your ex absolutely can do NC - it is 100% in your control and in his - you can each block the other or refuse to accept contact and there is no one forcing you to contact him. Accept responsibility for your choices- that is the first step. and - all you are showing your ex is that you are so needy you cannot stay away from someone who right now does not want to be in a relationship with you badly enough.

[wonderfulconfusion]

Batya,

 

I know what the problem is, we always look back in the past after we start talking about things. Its always the same thing, we have nice discussions, then BAM we start fighting over the bad things we did. He told me again last night, I think its best to cut things off because I still have feelings for you. THAT I dont understand, so why cut contact and not try to figure things out? Or is cutting off any contact the best way to arrange things? If he really wanted to cut contact why is it that we continue after 2 days to talk?

You think that by contacting him even though he knows I want to move on he thinks Im still needy?

[wonderfulconfusion]

So does anyone else have experiences with NC?

[Batya33]

Batya,

 

I know what the problem is, we always look back in the past after we start talking about things. Its always the same thing, we have nice discussions, then BAM we start fighting over the bad things we did. He told me again last night, I think its best to cut things off because I still have feelings for you. THAT I dont understand, so why cut contact and not try to figure things out? Or is cutting off any contact the best way to arrange things? If he really wanted to cut contact why is it that we continue after 2 days to talk?

You think that by contacting him even though he knows I want to move on he thinks Im still needy?

 

You are choosing to stay in contact. doesn't matter why. Just say "I enjoy talking to you, I like you, I am still attracted to you but I like myself more. thereforeeee, contact is not allowing me to move on and it is better if we have no contact. If and when you are ready to have a long term committed relationship and to go to counseling or whatever it takes to work on our problems you can call me. It's probably better if we take a break of at least a few months so we can see if we miss each other and if so, how much to see if we want to start fresh and commit to working on our problems"

 

the other issue here is it is obvious you are trying to "guess" what he thinks instead of talking to him - which might be the reason why you broke up in the first place - ineffective communication - why are you scared to ask him straight out?

[wonderfulconfusion]

He doesnt want to be in a relationship with me now because he thinks our past is too heavy and negative.... he thinks its due to fail....

I dont know what the solution is.

 

I have told him all this, that i enjoy his company but that we had to stop fooling around. I think its best for me anyway for I expect too much from him still.

 

He doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. I dont know what the best thing to do is for him to realise we can be together even though he says that he knows we can get along... ah, confusing!

 

NC the way to go here?

[wonderfulconfusion]

Batya... is months not too long? oR is it necessary inorder to realise things...?

[Batya33]

See what I posted above. Who do you like more - him or you? Are you willing to accept the scraps he is offering? If you are, stay in contact, if not, then do yourself a favor by cutting the ties and telling him nicely and without tears or anger, why.

[lizzie]

I'm in the same situation. Have tried to go nc many times, but when I actually see him - I'm so happy to spend time with him I blow it!

 

Our relationship lasted 3 years - he broke up and immediately became involved with someone he had known all his life (I'm sure they were seeing each other prior to the breakup, but nothing intimate) He has been with her for almost 4 years. It is not a strong relationship - lots of on and off.

 

He initiated contact with me - at least weekly - from the day we broke up. We became intimate (I know, not smart) about 2 years ago. I know he has feelings for me and I think he is using her as a wedge to keep him away from me - commitment issues.

 

I have gone over this many times, and in my heart - still think he is the one.

 

Would no contact be the way to go here? Would you say something to him or just disappear.

 

We live near each other and if I don't answer the phone he just stops over. I have already decided to tell him no more intimacy unless we're "back together". But what do I do about the "friend" part of the relationship. We have an excellent friendship - something he doesn't have with the other girl.

 

HELP

[Batya33]

Depends if you prioritize the friendship over your goal of a relationship with him (or really, with anyone else - if you stay friends with the hopes of being involved in a relationship again you likely won't make the effort to meet and date others).

[mattyk]

I think NC is the way to go either if you still want him back or if you haven't gotten over the breakup yet.

 

If you want him back then you need to give him the opportunity to miss you - at the moment it seems he is getting what he wants from both you and his new gf, so he will be happy with things the way they are. This will only change if he stops having access to you whenever he likes, and has a chance to realise just what he's losing (or if they break up)

 

And if you still haven't recovered NC is great at giving you the opportunity to get some distance from him and your relationship, and to work on rebuilding your own strength and confidence. And who knows, with this space you may decide that you're better off without him.

 

How I initiated NC was simply to wait for her to contact me, and told her that I didn't want to meet her at the moment - that I felt I needed some space and wanted to spend time with myself. And I was upbeat about it - NC is a positive step that is about working on you, and not an escape because you can't get over him. There will be times when you want to seem him, and want to know whether he's missing you, but stay strong and work on yourself so that you actually grow from the time and can deal with whatever happens in the future.

[Mavis VDSande]

I felt that I needed NC as I realised that the more I was interacting with my ex, the less I was realising what went wrong in the first place and the more annoyed he was at me. We were running round in circles, reacting off each others' responses etc.

 

After about 2 months of NC, he contacted me and we slowly got back together. However, it's been up and down since (as you can prob get from my posts!) and we are still in a limbo phrase but trying to sort things out. I think after having NC and his contacting me I kinda jumped into trying to "mend" things without healing myself properly.

 

I've just figured out that I still need time to sort myself out first before we can be anything else.

[Mavis VDSande]

When you decide to have NC it's when you realise that life's too short and you need to concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy without the confusing or negative interactions you may be having with your ex.

 

If your ex is seeing/pursing you and seeing someone at the same time, unwilling to drop them, then I think NC in this case is essential to show that you don't need them in your life, you're a strong and independent person and that you deserve to be no.1.

[lizzie]

thanks for the replys. Today he called twice, I didn't take the calls and as I predicted he showed up at my house. We chit chatted for about 15 minutes and then he tried to kiss me. I pulled away and told him that I knew he was still seeing Sue and that, although I care very much for him, I care more for me. It was hard to do. I kept it pretty much unemotional and he got a phone call (which he was very short with the innocent caller) and I took that opportunity to walk slowly past him and into another room and proceeded with what I was doing. And he left. He was very angry (it really shows on his face). He didn't deny seeing sue, actually, didn't say anything. The anger was very evident - I didn't expect that and don't know how to read it. I know he was running late for a commitment, so not sure what it all means.

 

It hurt bad at first and I felt really "mean". But, now as I've had a little time to get used to it - I feel pretty good about it. I know I have a lot ahead of me.

 

Thanks for your comments. You're right. The only way to make him change is to do NC. He'll either see the light with me or we're totally done. It sure beats the hell (not every knowing what was going) I've been living for the last 4 years.

 

Any thoughts as to how to proceed now?

[cleandust]

Hi Wonderfulconfusion

 

A couple of questions for you....who got dumped here! I came to this site looking for answers in how to get my girlfriend back. She did the dumping and I was devastated. After reading some posts about NC, which I have been doing for a week, I'm starting to realise that maybe I don't want her back, well not right now.....I'm learning more about my inner self without her and if she does come back I just hope she figures and corrects what was wrong with us..So if I was you, I'd be patient with NC, give it a month or two and let nature do it's course..Things always have a good way to turn out..

[Tshwane]

you mean to tell me that for 4 years you've been waiting for him? if im understanding yr post correctly then i think it's best to cut contact and move on with yr life.

 

He cant be the one, he hasn't been for the last 4 years.

[papalazarou]

Thanks for your comments. You're right. The only way to make him change is to do NC. He'll either see the light with me or we're totally done. It sure beats the hell (not every knowing what was going) I've been living for the last 4 years.

 

Any thoughts as to how to proceed now?

 

 

I cant believe you have been led a merry dance for 4 years!!!

 

Well done on realising that you need NC. The way to proceed is that you only 'get back together' if he tells you (and proves it) that he has dumped this other woman and wants to be with you.

 

Anything else and I would read it as a no. You need to move on now. 4 years is an awful long time.

[iceman85]

Hello I saw this thread and felt I needed to jump into it.

 

I haven't been here in awhile and its because I've been in NC with my ex and really trying to clear my head of everything. We broke up last May but stayed in contact until I had to stop it on October 1.

 

We were together a year and a half, and she just changed, she had many issues she needed to deal with and I just think she didnt do that or she just changed. She got a new group of friends and ditched her older friends. She just wasnt herself. I kept in contact cause I thought this was temporary that I would be able to get her back, we were in love how could this happen? Well she went to someone else right after me, it didnt last long and then after that she came back saying she wanted to try again. Needless to say she didnt really try and nothing came of it.

 

I was sick of her calling me and being upset when I didnt pick up and yelling at me for how everything was my fault. I loved her and just wanted to be with her. I was sick of hearing how everything meant more to me and not to her, how we would never get back together, yet maybe far down the road. How she shouldnt be hanging out with me, but she missed me.

 

I was done with it, my heart had been through enough and it was time to protect myself and heal. I have been doing that now for almost two months and I can happily say my head is much clearer for it. I am still healing because its not easy to get over someone you loved with all your heart.

I cant seem to shake her from my thoughts and that must be the last step. I still have times where I will get really sad and think about her.

 

I am happy for the time we shared together and the love we had, I want the best for her, and even though part of me is always going to love her and wish that we never were apart. I am continuing down the road to recovery and holding strong on NC. I need to get rid of the hope she'll contact me, I need to get rid of the thoughts of her.

 

I too fear I am making her completley forget about me. And what if she does? It really hurts, but someone who can do that after what we shared has problems and isnt worth it.

 

If your debating NC just do it for yourself, why continue to be heartbroken and have dashed hopes and hang on when you can get yourself back and begin to heal. I didnt have the strength to do it for 5 months but I finally stood up for myself.

[SuperDave71]

Hello everyone!

 

Hmm...NC...I have heard of that before somewhere. JUST KIDDING!!

 

 

NC is EXACTLY what it is. THERE is NOT a time limit. My opinion if NC is when you stop hurting, it's been long enough....period

 

 

 

NC is for you...NOT a plan to get an ex back. If you focus on you and learn to love YOU; only then can you truly move on to bigger and better things or possibly learn from your mistakes in yoru last relationship and have developed some sort of plan to fix it.

 

Ya never know what could be around the next corner. You don't know what yoru ex is thinking so DON'T TRY....

 

Worry about you!! PERIOD..

 

 

NC..though the concept is simple. It packs a POWERFUL PUNCH when done completely.

 

-Your friend,

 

SuperDave71