Four months and 34 ENA threads later...

[laboheme]

So, update. NC was broken, but I don't feel like it set me back. The ex and I had a conversation last night to tie up loose ends...We basically agreed that without that romantic feeling on both sides, we aren't very compatible and might not even be able to be friends (there wouldn't be many things we could do together as friends). He is considering starting to date other people -- apparently he didn't want to do it too soon out of respect for my feelings. It sounds like he might have an interest in somebody, but strangely, I don't mind. It's most likely a coworker, since he doesn't know anyone on campus...and I have a very low opinion of the place where he works, but if he thinks the girl is worth his affections, I hope he's not wrong. I also wasn't terribly saddened when we were talking about the possibility of never hanging out again...I've gotten used to only seeing him in class since July. And when I see him in class, I no longer get that feeling of wanting to be close to him. And when I looked at recent photos of him online, I honestly thought that he's not the stud he was last summer and that he's getting to be quite out of shape. That's progress, right?

 

Basically, I'm over him...just not over the memories of having that kind of relationship. Now I'm at the stage where I'm bitter about having wasted two years of my life on a relationship that didn't go anywhere...and that when it ended, so did the era of "fun" relationships. (And when I say "fun," I don't mean dating around...I mean having a good time within a committed realtionship) I feel like my next relationship ought to be "serious," professional and business-like, and there won't be any room for goofing around together, being silly, and thinking that the other person is the most important thing in your life...because after all, I'm an adult now...And it makes me sad that my ex may be the only person with whom I've had tickle wars, solved jigsaw puzzles by the fireplace, took silly personality tests, and rolled around on the lawn before settling down and watching the stars together. I'm terrified that my next relationship will have to be more "mature" than that...because I certainly have a hard time seeing two adults with careers engaging in the kind of cute behavior that college couples might engage in. Romantic, yes; but what about cute, innocent and silly? Any thoughts on that???

 

I guess what I'm trying to say...and the point of this post...is well summarized by Sarah Buxton's "Innocence," so I might as well post the lyrics...(but warning, it's a country song):

 

It's the first time that I've been here

Since I was here with him

I remember all the wild flowers

Waving in the wind

Life was an undiscovered river

I was jumping in

Head first

 

It was sink or swim, do or die

Sneaking out on summer nights

Stealing wine from my Pa

The thrill of not getting caught

And now and then I miss those days

But coming back to this place

I realize it ain't him I miss

It's that young girl, wide-eyed, first love

One time innocence

 

We ran off to the corn field

Just outside the county fair

There were butterflies in my stomach

And fireflies in the air

He tried hard not to show it

Oh, but he was just as scared

as me

 

And it was sink or swim, do or die

Sneaking out on summer nights

Stealing wine from my Pa

The thrill of not getting caught

And now and then I miss those days

But coming back to this place

I realize it ain't him I miss

It's that young girl, wide-eyed, first love

One time innocence

 

And coming here has made me come to this

The one thing I can't get back

Is the one thing I miss

 

And it was breaking rules, flying blind

What you see through younger eyes

It wasn't what I thought it was

Man, I swore he was the one

And now and then I miss those days

But coming back to this place

I realize it ain't him I miss

It's that young girl, wide-eyed, first love

One time innocence

 

Honestly, I can't wait for the moment when I get a crush on somebody again...Or at least come accross a cute guy...too bad those definitely don't seem to exist in any of my classes >_

[Tj williams]

hey meeting someone business wise is not bad but what you said about who you have tickle wars and etc etc i would rather find a girl like that instead of a business person so that i can do business outside and yet go home to a beautiful woman that i love being around with and wouldnt have to change anything about me to be with that person. thats just my philosophy haha

[FCTex]

I know what you mean...

 

But do be careful, 4 months isn't very long, and for a 2 year relationship, thats a good bit of time...

 

It's good that you've tied up the loose ends. That really helps, but don't try and ponder and tear things apart from the conversation.

 

Do, however, keep thinking the way you do. The more you detach yourself from the feelings, the easier it will be. Remembering the memories, isn't a bad thing and I always encourage someone to cherish those. I'm around you age, and I certainly don't feel like I wasted my two years on my ex. Waste is a strong word, I just feel like I didn't get out of it what I wanted in the end..

 

As for future relationships.. I definitely know what you mean. However, you are only 20, and regardless of how many bills you have to pay, how many loads of laundry, and meals you cook alone.. You don't have to be a "grown up". It's not always all business.

 

I'm 21. I'm done with school. I have 2 jobs, my own place, 2 cars/trucks, a pet, a social life, and of course, my fair share of bills..

 

I still tickle my girlfriend. I still sit out in the grass and grill out and relax. I go to the lake and feed ducks.. I stay up late during the weekdays and watch silly movies and have a few drinks.

 

Just because you felt a rush to grow up, or pressue that your an adult, doesn't mean you have to lose the fire and the finesse in your relationships. It gets boring, and while there IS the business part of making a relationship successful, it won't be unless it's carefree and fun..

 

Your in no rush to make a family, or to sign your marriage certificate...

 

 

And don't worry about crushing on someone. It'll happen. I searched high and low for a few weeks after my break up, and they are out there. Just be open minded and keep a smile on your face.

 

Take care.

[laboheme]

A sentimental day *sigh*

 

I'm replaying in my head the last conversation that we had about dating other people...He told me that he's confident he'll find somebody who's right for him, and hopes that someday I will too. He tried so hard to convince me that there are guys out there who can compare to him and be a better match for me than he is...but that I won't find anybody who's "good enough" unless I let them be good enough. He tried to convince me that the number and intensity of past relationships doesn't affect one's ability to love, that you can still give out your entire heart to the right person, and that the right guy won't be turned off by the fact that I had a very serious relationship -- basically all the things that you guys have been telling me. I just have trouble believing it all, since the guys that I see on an everyday basis aren't the kind that I'd want to have a relationship with.

 

Yesterday a few of my friends and I had a long-overdue get-together, which was a fun time overall, but throughout the whole thing I was thinking about how sad things are...Here are these people that I like being around, but I would never EVER in a million years consider dating people like them, and if my closest friends aren't "good enough" to be boyfriends, where does that put everybody else?

 

I just really don't want to turn into my ex-best friend and go through men like socks in search of the right one. I wish there was a way to know ffrom the start if the relationship has long-term potential or if the two of you are bound to break up in a couple of months, in which case it's not even worth it. Why can't I be psychic, dammit?