He has this girl that's "just a friend"

[Japanfreak05]

I trust my boyfriend. And I know "well if you trust him what's your problem". It's just that his Ex girlfriend has been contacting him sending him emails and junk. They had a bad relationship, he ended up not wanting to be around her as much and they became distant. She thought he was cheating on her so she went out and started cheating on him. That's just some background info.

 

He has alot of friends that are girls!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how to deal with that!!! cuz I had alot of guy friends, but he got mad and I kinda just dropped them all. And today one of them left a message on his phone and was like "i'm in town, why won't you answer your phone, you must not want to see me" this is the same girl that he sent a text to saying "hey i was thinking about you and just wanted to tell you I love you and your birthday is coming up soon".

 

I know what he's doing most of the day, but there are times where I don't know, he says he'll be at home sleep or something. I always believe what he says. But I'm just so afraid to get hurt by him. I dont' want to even think about him cheating on me. We've been together for 2 years and I couldn't bare to hear him tell me he cheated. or like me trust him like i do and let him do whatever and he ends up cheating on me.

 

Maybe I'm just going crazy.....lol and it's no help with my mom and all her friends randomly telling me "yeah right he ain't sleep", "you can't be tied down to one person right now, your too young".....ugh!

[Hope75]

I'm curious why when he got upset about you having male friends, why you did not bring up his female friends and ask him about that then?

 

Why did you drop your male friends?

 

That was a choice you made, by what I can see of what you wrote, so why is it expected that he should do the same when that seems to have been your choice?

 

And what is this about him texting a girl to tell her that he loved her?

[Rabican]

Do as I say, not as I do is not a good policy. You shouldnt be giving up your guy friends if hes still keeping his girl friends... especially EX girlfriends.

 

That said... trust him, I guess but keep your eyes open. Those messages could have been nothing, or they could have been something. Just be vigilant, but not paranoid. If hes acting shady, check his phone, or pay him a surprise visit when he says hes sleeping during the day.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He's a charmless hypocritical jerk...time to get rid?

[Japanfreak05]

So last night we got into it....well....we talked about it. It's so hard to get though to him cuz he always things he's right. So when I have to say my piece he doesn't listen.

 

So the whole text to the girl. They are supposably "good friends" from a long time ago, she moved up to maryland so I was Ok with that I guess. I just wasn't ok with him telling her "i love you", no matter how close they are! So I told him I listened to the voice messages and everything seemed pretty cool. But then, he brings it up again, and he's mad that I went though his stuff. I tried to tell him that's the only time I went though his voice messages in a long time. I only go in his stuff, when he wants me to look at something. So he brings up the time I went though the text he sent to her (the "i love you" text. WHICH was in his 'deleted mail folder'). We had traded phones for a day, and I found that. It was like he was trying to hide it from me. He told me "i pay the cell phone bill" so i'm like "that doesn't mean you can send texts to girls saying 'i love you'"

 

So I'm trying to expalin to him that I don't sit around and go though his stuff he calls it "defending myself". So he comes up with this story about, how he thinks I have guys over my house when I'm at home. I told a few of my friends about our fight and every time i say that part they say, "YOU???". First off I live with my parents, 2nd that's just something i woudln't do. It's like he doesn't even know me anymore. It's like, he just made that story up to make me feel bad or something.

 

It's not fair, I had to drop all my guy friends because that made him uncomfortable, but he's gonna say "i have other guys over my house when i'm at home". He pretty much dropped the girl that he sent the text to. but she's in town now, and he hasn't called me all day. So for all I know, he's with her right now. I told him "i don't have guys over my house" and all he can say is " I don't know that". It's so FUSTRATING!!!!

 

What makes things more complex is he gave me a 800.00 promise ring back in may. this like dimond ring with white gold band. So i'm like, "why would you give me this ring if you think i'm having other guys over". Most the time he didn't even say anything, he's just like "i'm tired of repeating myself" So I'm just trying to work things out, but he's being so stubborn, like what he says goes because he pays my cell phone bill. Every time I try to give him money he doesn't take it! then last night he's all like "i have to pay for everything". WTC.........*so fustrated* I guess i'm venting......tell me what you think.

[Rabican]

I suggest you have a talk with him, and tell him if he cant get his act together, stop being an accusing hypocrytical jerk then he can shove that ring....

 

If hes really accusing you of something like having guys over, when you are not, and theres no reason for him to think so... Id probably walk away. Its one thing if he saw a text message, or email of yours telling an ex boyfriend to 'come over at 3 am when my bf is gone' But if this is just out of the blue.... pfff thats not good.

[fnlyfrei]

I broke up with someone who had this same issue..he had mostly female friends...by choice...which okay, I had to had to learn to deal with it..they were there before I was. BUT...I felt that these friends took my place in some ways...the place of a significant other....this was purposeful on his part because before I met him they bridged a gap and met an emotional need in his life....but after we started getting serious..that needed to change and he resisted completely. Also..he knew that I really did not want to hear about him going on and on about how he USED to spend every day with this hot chick who was just a friend...or that one...(like I was keeping him from them..ugh!) I felt he was pushing my buttons after a while...he enjoyed my pangs of jealousy. Toward the end he would break dates because he had been neglecting his chickfriends who needed him...so he could take them to coffee and talk. Um, I said "No thank you"...and cut him loose. Now he can spend inordinate amounts of time with them with no distraction from me. Maybe I am petty. We all just have our limits. I know to have friends, male and female is healthy. My problem is, male friends, unless they are gay, are hard to find. Usually men want more. I think women find it easier to be just friends...all in all, this whole subject confuses me at times. Can we all just get along? I dunno.

[kc2891]

Men usually do want more in a relationship at least from what I've experienced. That's what I dont get about the whole men/women friendship thing. I dunno, but then again I'm probably just a jealous woman.

[bitbit]

tell him how you feel. tell him you're scared. ask him if there are ever times when he feels like cheating, and if so, when are those times. now you can't get pissed at him either. 2 years is a long time... and no1 is perfect. allow him to talk to you openly about it and you can "affair proof" your relationship. i know one thing tho.... i would have called the chick up who sent him that text myself and told her exactly where she can go.

[heartlessromantic]

The guy is a hypocrite. What is his position on the fact that you dropped your guy friends but he thinks it's okay to have lots of female friends? The "I love you" bit is weird too, unless they've been friends from childhood or something... like more of a brother/sister thing.

 

It never feels good to be accused but at the same time I think it's fair to be able to bring concerns in a calm way. Also, I don't see why he is so defensive.

 

If his suspicion that you have guys over while he is working is a new one, it may be something he made up just to hold over you or to deflect your concerns.

 

Do you work? Does he oppose you working? Have you tried to pay for stuff in the past only to have him refuse? Wondering if he has control issues.