Fighting...

[PHillwife]

This past spring my family moved from a major Metro out to a wonderful rural community. Now anyone who comes from or has lived in a small town knows it can be difficult, especially for school aged kids.

 

My 10 year old daughter chose to stay in the city and finish the last couple weeks with her friends last year. Over the summer she met some neighbor kids and made some new friends. Early on it was apperant that one girl , we will call her"Amy" was a bit of a ringleader. My daughter"Staci" went to the park and such with the other kids most of the summer. Once school started, Amy stopped being friendly. She started calling her names, starting rumors about her, and ever physically bullying her.

 

Amy is by no means a big kid or anything, but I brought up Staci, that fighting is wrong, and unnecessary. The other day after they got off the bus Amy pushed her infront of a passing car. I was furious. I went to the police, for advise, and talked to the principal and councelor the next morning. We also got all of Staci's classes changed to keep her as far from Amy as possible.

 

My husband now insists on teaching Staci to fight. He says she needs to defend herself, and if she kicks her butt once she'll never have to deal with her again. Part of me agrees, but I also know it can turn in to reoccurring boxing matchs at the bus stop.

 

Please tell me how you would handel it? Have you been here? How did you fix it?

I just want to protect my daughter.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Phillwife - WOW!

 

This sounds tragic! What the heck happened? Why the sudden change? Any word on the why? Have you talked to "Amy's" parents? I suppose that would be a bit scary....

 

Ummm.....sheesh, I guess if the principal knows about it and even the cops have been told, what else CAN you do but prepare your daughter to defend herself.

 

Of course fighting is wrong. Of course we don't promote it amongst our children. But if someone is going to put your daughter in serious danger, she'd better learn to protect herself.

 

Fighting is one thing, fighting BACK, quite another....at least in MY opinion.

 

I'm on the side of, or, you can put me down for a vote of YES - have your husband show her a few things that might help her stand up for her self, even in a physical confrontation.

 

I'm horrified that this is happening and I feel for your daughter. I'm so sorry...

[Beec]

My father was of the same view as your husband. I fought a lot on the ubs going to school. No kid on the bus ever wanted to fight me twice. I fought mostly kids two years older than me. As soon as it started, I hit them in the face. While I often got some damage, few, if any (I recall none), ever walked away without some mark on their face from me. I gave out a number of blackeyes, fat lips and/or bloody noses. One mother whose some was two years older than I was (I was 7 or 8, he was 9 or 10) looked in disblief when at me, the thin younger kid who made her kid cry. Some kids had to learn a lesson, fight with that [beec] kid and he will hurt you. None ever needed to learn it twice. I think some were intimidated from watching others learn it.

 

Only one kid my age ever tried to fight me on the bus. He was dumb. I had been fighting older kids. He elbowed me a couple times, then I hit him in the face. The fight was over. He cried for the rest of the way home, bawling about what he was going to do to me. Of course, he never did anything.

 

This other girl is not showing much respect for your daughter. She does need to stand up for herself.

[annie24]

oh my! this is more than just a black eye school fight. if she is pushing your daughter in front of oncoming cars, that is attempted murder. I think that's incredibly serious.

 

why has stacey not been kicked out of school? what did the police say?

 

I think that you should encourage your daught maybe not to fight, but to protect herself. I would definitely enroll her in self-defense classes (that will serve her well when she gets to college and meets some guys who won't take no for an answer).

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with Annie and am wondering the same thing. What town's school allows kids to push each other in front of cars? And what of the police? They didn't visit and talk to her parents about the severity of that?

[avman]

I don't think its a good idea to encourage a fight between these two. However I do happen to think it would be good for your daughter to learn how to defend herself. Whether it's your husband that teaches her or perhaps maybe you and she should take a self defense course. That's a skill that could save her life someday if she happens to run accross an attacker/rapist/whatever.

 

Another option would be a martial arts course. There she will learn defense techniques, balance, and discipline. These are all very good skills to have and it works wonders for self confidence.

 

If she happens to need to defend herself against an attack from this girl, well then she has to do what she has to do. But I do not think she should be encouraged to fight her.

[southerngirl]

In highschool, I was 14.

 

There was alot of racial tension at the school I went to. I was small, only about 4'11" and not even 100 lbs.

 

There were these three big tall girls, they were black and I was white. They chose to pick on me and call me horrible names. They would follow me around from class to class.

 

They would throw things at me, pull my hair, push me from behind, I was so scared. I told my mom about it. She told me that I had to stand up for myself. I had to be ready to fight and turn around and do just that.

 

That it was okay and I would never be in trouble for defending myself.

 

I will tell you that it took alot of courage to do this.

 

One day, as they were following me calling me cracker and midget (i was short) and basically doing what they had done for weeks....

 

I turned around. I threw my bookbag down. I took my shoe off, holding my shoe in one hand I spit on the floor.

 

I told them iw as going to kick their and which one of them wanted to try me. That I was ready to beat the out of all of them.

 

They started laughing, and they said 'chill girl your crazy'.

 

I remember they walked away. You see, a bully doesnt really want to have to fight. They just want to push around those that wont defend theirself.

 

They didnt bother me again, but I learned something that day.

 

If someone puts their hands on me, I have a right to defend myself. Its not the same as being a bully. It is standing up for yourself.

 

I tell my son, that if someone speaks badly to him it is okay to defend himself with words.

 

But, should someone put their hands on him I expect him to hit in the face, and to keep hitting and that he will never be in trouble from me for defending himself. Oh, some would disagree, but the last thing I want is for him to be afraid to stick up for himself.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Ok my thoughts are yes your daughter needs to be taught to fight. But no not to kick her but once. She needs to be taught self defence so if this girl trys to throw a puch she can block it and maybe get one swing in. You don't want to encourage violence and you don't want amys friends to come after your daughter like what happened to a friend of mine. So just be carefull. I think it is important for everyone to know a little self defence so they can get out of tricky situations. I'm sure your daughter is wise enough to know and understand not to start a fight if thats how you have brought her up so a little fighting classes might not be such a bad idea.

[PHillwife]

Thank you all for your advise. This is such a difficult subject.

 

And to speak of Amy's mother... well, unfortunately she is of no help. She thinks her child does no wrong, and acctually cussed me out. I have a feeling this is a case of, "apple doesn't fall far from the tree"

 

Even the principal said she has had issues and run-ins with Amy's mom.

Although the school can't tell me certain info, I was assured that this is an ongoing problem with Amy and my daughter is not her only victim, and they are doing everything that that are allowed with out parental support. She is apperantly doing counceling in school.