Hoping someone can help me.

[Kips]

It all started out when

 

I found out that my mother-in-law has lied to me. She was taking my children away for the day and I was meeting up with my husband to have a weekend away together. I don't drive and she told me that I would need drop off my children (she never offered to pick them up even tho she picks up her other grandchildren several times a week) so I asked my dad if he would pick us up and drop me off at the station and then the kids off at her house. He said yes and my mum offered to make their meal, I said yes thanks explained to my mother-in-law what was happening. She said if it was too much trouble just to drop the kids off at her house then for my dad to take me to the station but I said no it was fine thanks the kids wanted to wave me off at the station and I asked her was she going out that day because I didnt want my dad calling when she wasnt in, she said she would be in all day. Because of misunderstandings in the past and me and my parents falling out over miscommunications involving her I asked her again if she was going out and she said no, so it was agreed that my dad would drop the kids off when they were ready.

 

My mother-in-law was having the kids for the whole weekend and we had seen more of her recently that my own parents, my parents were having the kids for a couple of hours. I phoned my dad later that day to see if kids had been dropped off ok and he said mother-in-law phoned him and said she was going out and to drop the kids off ASAP, fair enough you might think mother-in-laws plans had changed she needed to go out but my husband told me that she goes out every Friday (I didnt tell him otherwise as I didnt want to spoil our weekend)

 

So fast forward to this weekend. We called in at her house to pick up some presents we had ordered for kids for Christmas. She said where are the kids? I said at home as we were doing some Christmas shopping for them and dont want to spoil the surprises. She said are they old enough to be left? I said yes (my kids are in their teens) We went home and I told my kids what she had said. They announced that she had left them home alone when she had gone out the weekend they had stayed there!!!!!!

 

Later that evening my hub and I were talking and I mentioned what she had said and he said its because she cares. He then went on to mention the fact that over the years I've had disagreements with my parents and that hes never had any with his. Yes I admit I have had disagreements with mine mostly due to the fact I've misunderstood my mother-in-law and my parents have called me irreseposonsible where the children are concerend not listening to arrrangements made, hence why this time I asked her twice if she was going out or not. At one point I thought I was going mad because I always seemed to get arrangements wrong.

 

My hub and I have spent all weekend disagreeing on things and I know its my fault because I'm wound up about her, we also got in to a discusion about when I wasn't feeling well at a wedding and didnt speak much, I'm a horrible person for doing that according to him but when people do this to me I got to live with it.

 

When it comes to support even if he is in the right or wrong I give it to him, if hes hurt or gone to hospital or someone in his family has died or if he has a disagreement with his friends but if I'm in that boat I'm on my own.

 

So by bedtme I was just so wound up, yes its pathetic I know and after a day of disagreements, hearing how wonderful his relationship with his parents is etc etc, I just wanted to sleep I was so tired but he had other ideas and when I didnt agree with it I got pushed and shoved and told where to go.

 

We havent spoken since and hes away at work for a week.

 

Only plus point is of this mess is my mam and dad are much closer to me and have apololgised for beleiving his mum over me. I would actually talk to them about it but they've had a tough year my mums mum died and now her brother might have cancer.

 

I just dont know what to do. One thing I did realise is he doesnt normally speak much so maybe hes venting off at me and if Im talking to him it never seemst go in, I know I talk to much I can see that with what I've wrote here and when I see people I know I never shut up either but I dont know how to break this habit.

 

Thanks for reading.

[robowarrior]

A storm in a glass water, mother in law made a mistake in her reasoning. I know what your problem is, you are annoying because you are dependant on others, and don't have a life of your own to live, and if the puppets don't dance in the way you like, you start to hiss like a cat and put up a blame game. With this you are putting darkness and hatred into the family, and souring the relationships. Get a drivers license, your first step to being an independent woman get a life yourself first, before you bring others into it.

 

Again the issue here is that you are 'needy' and that would be ok if it where necessary, but its not. Even if your mother in law lied to you, that's not important, yes its not nice, but its also a trivial matter. You need to seek the problem behind it, because you are dependant on your mother in law, you come over as clingly and needy.

 

Ye who looketh at the splinter in your mother in laws eye, should not forget to see the beam in your own eye. How can you say to your mother in law, let me remove the splinter if your blinded by the beam in your own eye?

 

So my advice

 

-Get a life of your own.

-Stop depending on others if not necessary.

-Stop putting up a blame game.

-Know how to apply forgiveness.

-Stop seeking justification for your actions with others.

-Stop creating fronts, like your parents siding with you vs. mother in law.

-Stop straining your husband and creating disharmony in the family.

 

These things show maturity, because the things you displayed are a form of immaturity, and a very spitefull way of dealing with things. How to deal with it properly and listen carefully.

 

Small arguments act like poison and can create BIG breakups in the bonds of family even between your own husband. All these arguments give a spin to the wheel of hatred. Your mother in law does something wrong to you, you say something bad about her, and then your husband gets angry at you, and you get angry to your husband, and all these act make you end up in a vicious circle of anger and violence, what you need to do is to stop the wheel of hatred by not starting arguments. You can only end the hatred with love, care for your mother in law. If you can't get along with her, then DONT depend on her. Don't have her in your life, and quite honestly how old must your mother in law be? Its a serious possibility that she overlooked and was in a rush and didn't remember how she went out forgetting she left the kids home alone, being senile can start already around 50 you know. thereforeeee ONLY put love and light into the lives of the people that you know , because the rest only leads to misery.

 

Anyway for gods sake don't let it get to you. Such trivial matters shouldn't be treated like earthquakes, or get excited about like a group of seals that get attacked by a killer wale. Try to get along, and if you can't get out.

[Helen67]

Wise words Robowarrior, and 100% with you!

 

My questions to you Rips...Do you ever phone your mum-in-law just to ask how she is, or only when you need something from her?

This also goes for your own parents too. When you ring your parents do you really ever find out how THEY are, how they are feeling? You said yourself you talk too much, once you've asked your initial "how are you", do you tend to just talk away about yourself?

 

How about just ringing your mum-in-law, and thanking her for taking YOUR kids, b/c you should be grateful that you have family around who will go to all this trouble to babysit them. I don't think your mum-in-law is a bad person, you even haven't been able to give any example of her being nasty or doing you wrong, so you should give her the respect she deserves.

 

Personally, stop thinking about yourself, give more attention to these members of your family, who YOU owe alot too.

Just one single phone call to her saying thankyou, and genuinely asking how she is and what's she's up to with no reference to yourself, and not you doing all the chatting, will believe me, make both her and yourself feel alot better! You must give, you cannot just take.

 

This also goes for your parents, they have enough worries of their own, I know you said you didn't want to burden them with all this, but I have a horrible feeling that's what you will eventually do. DON'T, you are a grown woman with teenagers, you should not be ranting off to your poor parents.

 

Your husband has also done nothing wrong, I suggest you get on the phone to him and apologise WITHOUT ranting off again why you got upset, but admitting you where silly and bi***y, and will make a big effort when he returns.

 

Anyway all the best, but take heed or you could end up splitting a functioning family!

 

Helen xx

[Kips]

Thanks for answering.

 

In answer to some questions. Yes I do phone both sets of parents to find out how they are, we communicate at least once a week more often if there is a family crises. Do I listen yes I do, I love to hear what other people have been up to, how they are, this goes for both sides of the family.

 

Do I thank my mother in law when when she offers to take the children away or if somebody does something for us, yes I do, she accutally tells me not to thank her because its what she wants to do with them but I still cant stop myself from thanking her, I also offer to pay their share of the costs because she is retired and I dont know her financial situation and certainly would never want to see her short of money (there are so many horror stories about how short of money retired people are these days) because she loves her grandchildren and wants to spend time with them, I dont have a problem with her wanting to take them away nor would I ever dispute her if she said enoughs enough I dont want to anymore.

 

Do I show appreciation for my dad giving me a lift or if others help or do things for me. Yes maybe I haven't expalined myself very well. We are a family that does things for each other, we rally round in a crises and we are there for each for the highs and lows, I will do anything for either my in laws or my own family, doing this has acctually overcome a fear of hospitals, one in law went in to premature labour and I watched her baby be born it was undescribable (the rest of the in laws where away on holiday btw and I asked her to stay with us as she had split wth her boyfriend and she would be alone and it was her first pregnancy)

 

Yes I know I could be of a greater help not only for myself but for others if I could drive but its a fear I cannot overcome yet (pathetic yes but proffessional advice and the advice off my driving instuctor who saw what I went threw have told me to take my time and do it when I'm ready) and I'm lucky people understand why and accept it, maybe and I certainly hope one day I will drive.

 

Do I have a life of my own (yes) and do I rely on other people so I can pursue my life. No, if my dad hadn't been there to take me to the station I could have managed to go and taken kids to grandparents. On a day today basis I do travel, using buses, train and so on, its something which I dont think twice of nor do I find it a hassle but I do know people who do drive find this difficult to comprehend, that I can be bothered with this lifestyle!!! But I've never driven and as the saying goes what you've never had you never miss.

 

Have I ever asked for the kids to be babysat, I'm not one for going out, I tend to do hobbies and my things when the kids are at school, if the offer has been made to look after the kids so I can have a night out, yes I've took advantge of it. The only times I recall asking for help with kids is in an emergency and if we've been invited to a social event where kids have not been allowed, fortuantely emmergencies have been covered but on social occasions I've sometimes given them a miss because there has been nobody to babysit and I certainly would never want or expect people to change their plans for me even tho the offer has been there.

 

I think maybe this is why I've took to heart my mother-in-law not being truthfull with me and me blowing the situation well out of proportion because we are a happy family (yes I've reread my original and I know I've not protrayed us this way) I can honestly say on the whole we are a happy family, the only time my hub and I dont see eye to eye is he wont accompany me to family funerals, hospital appointments as I do for him, its not that I need him to but just having him there would be a comfort, I dont have an issue going on my own, I think the word I'm looking for is moral support and maybe I dont sound as if I've accpeted but I'm learning to.

 

The only other conflict as a family we have is that like I say my mother-in-law does bend the truth slightly so she can get an extra hour or so with the kids which I know is done out of love for them but I wish she wouldnt go to this measure and respect that my family want to spend time with the kids also.

 

Again many thanks for answering my whine, I do appreciatate it and no I'm not going to my parents with this, I knew that deep down in my own mind when I joined here I wasnt going to, I needed unbiased advice which I'm getting thank you!

[Kips]

Many, many thanks again.

 

Everything is sorted with my hub, we've had a long chat and everything is ok, and we've both learnt valuable lessons. He actually suggested that he has a chat with his mum and ask her to stick to arrangements as it isn't fair to other people when she changes things to suit herself or to mislead people. I'm just so amazed because it seemed as if he got so much of his chest a lot of things were bugging him me (naturally!!), his mum, the kids. You know anybody who has a problem I would strongly recommend they do talk, we did it over the phone as hes away (hes a long distance driver so hes away most weeks)

 

I was so dreading him come home and now I cant wait for him to return, I'm counting the days down.

 

Again thanks I know I just babbled the problem out but I really appreciate you taking time to read threw it and advise me because now I'm really looking forward to his homecoming!

[Helen67]

I'm really happy to read your replies Kips.

 

I'm glad you weren't offended from the posts, and glad you have sorted it out with your hubby!

 

We all need to rant and rave on occasions, and normally if like this we can write them down, we can ourselves read back and think oh s**t do I sound pathetic!

 

Best of luck to you all, and enjoy your hubby's homecoming to the fullest!

 

Helen xx

[Kips]

Thanks Helen, I think I was going threw a temporary mid life crises!! My advice in the future for people is its good to talk and dont presume what a person thinks they may agree or understand!!!! I had got myself in to a box over this and I'm really grateful for you straight talking.