we both divorced for eachother now I want OUT

[staticcling]

I posted here about breaking up with my guy

 

I left him on Friday, leaving a note (in times past, he has talked me into staying and I didn't want to risk that). I sent an email to his soon-to-be ex-wife, letting her know. I did that out of guilt for the affair and concern for him. I also wrote a letter to his brothers, who have cut him off since hearing about the affair. Our affair has caused alot of drama in their family and as a result, my stubborn boyfriend refused to spend the holidays with them. I was hoping that my leaving would help them reconnect.

 

I left my job, sold my house, and lost alot of friends for this guy. I realize now that he is a control freak and never had my best interest at heart. I love him, but in many ways he is selfish and I dont think I can trust my heart with him. We always prided ourselves on having this "great love" and were "soulmates" and had this great romantic love story of being each others June Carter and Johnny Cash. But the truth is, there is alot of conflict surrounding our affair and his family, and he is not confronting any of it... and that sets of red flags for me.

 

I had begged him for a long time to either come clean with the affair because I was tired of being a part of a lie - he didn't. He claimed he was living in separate bedrooms with his wife, because the guilt of the affair was killing me - that was a lie. I know he used steroids in the past and I asked him to be straight with me if he was using - he denied it until I caught him. During the affair, he asked me to make a deal not to go out with my friends on weekends and he would not go out either - stupidly, even though it made me miserable, i agreed. I just found out that he was going out with friends and family during that time, and lied to me about it.

 

I left because although I love him and the chemistry is amazing and he has a million great qualities, our relationship is beginning on such rocky foundation... and I just don't have the strength to deal with another holiday season filled with conflict and drama and in isolation.

 

its hard because his family is emailing me, his mom is calling, even the ex is saying "you should go back to him." He is miserable and they know that we love each other and can't understand why i would leave after all we both gave up to be together.

 

its also hard because i have no job, am staying with a friend, and have no family. i feel pretty alone and its tempting to go back to him as a way to hang on to something remotely stable and comforting.

 

i guess i just needed to vent about it but any insights are welcome.

[Beec]

It seems to me like what you are doing is like trying to fight a war for a bit of ground, and now once you have it, you have laid to waste. I don't get it. With everything that has happened, one would hope that the relationship was worth all the was wrecked, but now, it seems like it will be for what?

[DN]

I have to agree with Beec - two marriages wrecked and lives altered forever. What was the point?

[melrich]

This is the trainwreck we always imagine when people come on and post "Having an affair, thinking of leaving my marriage".

 

You made a big mistake and I really feel for the position you find yourself in. But in some ways, the trainwreck is so bad that you don't have a lot of options so that is good, easy to focus on.. You just have to pick yourself up and start again.

 

If I were you I'd draw a mental line in the sand and say "tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life". Find some stuff to make you feel good about yourself again and move on.

[staticcling]

you are absolutely right! it is a total train wreck!!!! I am the poster child for why relationships that start as affairs DON'T stand much of a chance.

 

we fought to be together but it comes with heavy baggage that i don't want to carry around for the rest of our lives. PLUS i came to realize that my guy is not the prince charming that i idealized.

 

i could go back and acquiece to a life with him, wrought with guilt and conflict but full of passion (which seems less than ideal), or leave him forever (causing more guilt and hurt by running away) and go on with my life. Both seem like bad options.

[whoops]

wow what a position - if you feel that you should leave him then fine you have done the right thing but how come none of this was thought of before - there seems to much outside interference from the world in your relationship and you dont know what youwant - i think you have done the right thing a relationship should not have so many buts and ifs but just what is right and feels correct

 

Dont go back or you will regret it - get a job now and temp for a while to pass the time and think of you - see your friends if you are ready and start to write a list of what you are going to do to move on - write that you need a place to stay of your own - meet other people who dont know your ex and chat poo with them so as not to think of it - avoid alchohol and write here when you need to

 

You will be okay - guilt for 50 years or guilt for now that is what you have decided

[staticcling]

the more i think about it the clearer it becomes: when i think about going back to him, there is only way I can cope with that thought: knowing that it is 100% guaranteed that he will hurt me again by messing up so badly that i will have an excuse to leave.

 

i just realized this... i have been looking for excuses to leave him. then when i do, i go back guilt ridden but hopeful for the next mess up. i must be so weak that i need proof of his "awfulness" to justify getting out of this relationship.

 

is it enough to just say to him "i am sorry but i can't do this anymore."? without looking for 50 reasons to back up my actions. you are right, I am making myself accountable to his family, to his exwife, to my exhusband... all because it stemmed from an affair and i feel guilty that we lost so much to get to this point, that i feel bad breaking it off.

[moonbeam111]

I think that you need to forgive yourself for what you did (affair). Otherwise, staying with him is a punishment that you chose to undergo for your "sins". It's like you need to suffer for breaking families apart. But you don't.

 

The only way to be free is to walk away from this unhealthy relationship. You are not a prisoner. You are not in jail. The best option is to stand true to your feelings.

 

You may definitely benefit from counseling. You are worthy of respect, love, and a truthful relationship. Focus on your self-esteem, trust the future, and don't sell yourself short.

I am sorry you are in such a turmoil.