Just need some advice and need to know if there is hope..ever...

[dreamer888]

Well, my boyfriend and I broke up in February 2005...so going on 9 months now. We were together for 2 years and 3 months. I broke up with him due to him always acting unhappy around me...which i later found out was due him kissing a girl the summer before while we were on a "break." Well, since he said he felt so guilty about that he just always seemed so unhappy around me.

After the whole thing with that other girl last summer, he tried SO hard to prove that I was the only girl he wanted. He wrote me letters, sent me messages online, even wrote a letter to one of the priests at his school (he went to a Catholic school) about his biggest "regret" which was about him getting involved with someone else just because he thought we really wouldn't be back together again and it was a kind of "what the hell" situation.

 

Well, he tried so hard...and after about a month or two i gave him another chance. Well, after about 2 months is when he started acting really unhappy (let me make clear...he never told me they kissed and i asked if they did ANYTHING...hold hands, cuddle, kiss...ANYTHING because he met her at this party where they all stayed the night)...and i just didn't know why. It was my first year at college and he was still a Sr. in high school. He came up to see me frequently (we lived 30 minutes apart) to surprise me. He acted like he was really trying, but he still seemed unhappy and when we had problems he did bring up the alternative that it would be best to probably just break up.

 

So, after a while this unhappiness i saw and the hints that maybe we should just break up...ALONG with him constantly coming to see me and wanting to see me just confused me...but i finally broke and just said "fine, ok we are breaking up."

 

Of course it was somewhat too quick of a decision to make like that i think, but i was just so fed up. Well, for some reason, even thoguh he always suggested that alternative, he got really mad and would not answer my calls or any messages or respond to ANYTHING for a while and when he did it was always negative no matter how nice i was to him.

 

But, summer came and we hung out all the time. He told me twice this summer...on days when we would be having a blast together...he's say "ya i tihnk we will eventually go out again...not soon...but i think we will." And of course that just gave me SO much hope. Well, the summer was okay, even though he did pull his whole "blowing me off" thing for other people a lot...but it was something i had to deal with because we weren't together anymore.

 

WELL, then...college came. His first year. In a co-ed dorm...with lots of people who have very very large egos and very large egos about their Dorm hall that they live in being the "best." (ya, i know...really immature) But, at first he would barely talk to me and when he did it was ALWAYS the "oh hey, well i gg do sometihng with someone else...i don't know if i can call you back i'm busy doing stuff ALL the time" ..ya know...basically the whole rubbing in my face about how many new friends he had and how much he had to do there to the point that i don't EVEN cross his mind anymore. And i'd ask him if he even cares if we are firends and all this stuff and he just is SO incredibly mean about it. And this guy was NEVER EVER mean. NEVER.

 

But, it has just gotten SO hard on me. He has changed DRASTICALLY. He was NEVER a show off and pretty shy-ish...and it's good that he is coming out of his shell...but he is so egotistical now and it is making us so far apart.

 

But what i am trying to get at...is...IS there any hope after all this?

I have NEVER ever chased a guy except for this one. And i absolutely HATE chasing guys because i think that if they want me THEY will come to me..but with him i am afraid to let him go since he has all those other girsl to replace me.

 

We were both each others first EVERYTHING. We were soooo deeply in love. I am still in love. He says he is not at all and doesn't see me in that way anymore and is over me. I jsut don't get it. Because not even a year ago he wrote me a letter saying he wanted to be with me for MANY more years and was sooo incredibly in love with me and was sooo sorry for all he had done wrong and EVERYTHING. Then about 2 or 3 months later iwas like he just BAM...got over me and EVERYTHING we shared.

 

The thing was...i realized i didn't treat him as well as i could and i have completely changed ALL of that. I do EVERYTHING to make him happy and let him SEE i know i was wrong and let him SEE that i changed..for HIM. He doesn't care at all.

 

But when we are together he constantly wants to cuddle and hold me and tells me he loves me and just everything...seems to fit. Like it used to.

He seems like he really loves me and like everything is perfect. But then he will leave that same day and not answer and calls and when he does he is very short or it is at 2:30 or 3:00 a.m. AFTER he is done hanging out with all his other friends. I know i don't deserve this and shouldn't be putting myself through this...but i REALLY REALLY love him...because he is NOT this guy i just described. He is the most amazing guy i have EVER met if he would just stop with this ego thing.

 

I love him so much and am afraid to leave everything to the "if it is meant to be, it will be" because you HAVE to have some effort put into it...and if we cut all ties and communication...how will that happen?

 

Also, i would LOVE any advice form anyone who has been in a relationship where the other person either A.) Went to college and stuff didn't work out and if it ever did...and B.) Anyone who has had a relationship where the one who didn't want the relationship...dead set on never wanting to be together again...came back after a few years and how and what happened...

maybe that i won't find any of that out there...it seems almost next to impossible...

 

I just need to know...is there any hope?

Is it just this whole first year of college thing?

I just need advice.

Anything will help.

Thanks so much.

[FallingTooFast]

The way he's acting is him trying to be "cool."

You remember your first year in high school and the first year of college. All the boys acted like that.

They just want to prove to each other and the girls that they're the best.

 

It's not that he may not like you, ask him about it. Set a day that you two spend lunch together and talk it over.

 

If you really need to, wait a couple years. Him being a year or so younger than you is hard. It is true that most boys don't mature as fast as women do.

He may just need time to adjust.

 

Until then just give him some space and see if there's anyone else out there for you, just for a while, or for a life long thing.

 

good luck

[dreamer888]

Thank you FallingTooFast for your reply. We are supposed to meet today...about an hour ago...and he hasn't called or answered any of my calls.

 

I just don't see how someone can be so cruel. Especially when they KNOW how bad you're hurting...

[Jayar]

He's playing with your mind. You should definitely be moving on. You don't love him. You love who you want him to be, "if only..." But he ISN'T who you want him to be. He is treating you like dirt now. And the longer you accept it the less likely he is to EVER respect you in the future.

 

If you let him go, sure he may replace you. But if you don't let him go... Well he could replace you anyway, just you won't have moved on. That's the only difference.

 

Good luck!

[valenski]

He acted like he was really trying, but he still seemed unhappy and when we had problems he did bring up the alternative that it would be best to probably just break up.

You ever think that maybe he was sad because he felt guilty about what he did? Maybe he wasnt sure how to express it, you might have been a little hastey. Rejection can really change a person and maybe this is how he is dealing with it. Not saying dont try but the person he was might not be there anymore.

[Mavis VDSande]

I think you both need a bit of space from each other. He could be reacting from your rejection when you decided it wasn't working, he could be acting the cool guy now it's the start of term - but who knows.

 

This still doesn't mean it's ok for him to blow hot and cold. Maybe if you don't contact him for a while you'll be free of this circle of you chasing and him blowing hot/cold. Whatever you do, NEVER pick up the phone at 2-3am in the morning. It shows that you're overly avaliable which will only make him expect to disturb you at that time of the night, not a respectful action.

 

He will realise you're not chasing him which will let him stop reacting to you and think about what he wants. And you will get some space from him to figure out if you really want this rels to work and what you want.

 

Remember he may have written that letter but that was then - now is now. He has obviously changed. Step back a little and give it some time to discover the REAL him again.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Hugs!

 

MvdS x

[FallingTooFast]

Thank you FallingTooFast for your reply. We are supposed to meet today...about an hour ago...and he hasn't called or answered any of my calls.

 

I just don't see how someone can be so cruel. Especially when they KNOW how bad you're hurting...

 

He's being an * * *. Get used to that from guys at that age. They mature differently and you may just need to start over with a guy a little more mature.

 

Try a year or two older.

 

Luck

[dreamer888]

Thank you to all of you who have responded.

Your advice helps me a lot.

Sadly, i pretty much know all this stuff...but hearing it form other people who don't know me personally helps even more...because it is a reality check that that IS the way things really are.

 

Thank you all and any more advice is definitely appreciated!

[dreamer888]

Also, i would LOVE any advice form anyone who has been in a relationship where the other person either A.) Went to college and stuff didn't work out and if it ever did...and B.) Anyone who has had a relationship where the one who didn't want the relationship...dead set on never wanting to be together again...came back after a few years and how and what happened...

maybe that i won't find any of that out there...it seems almost next to impossible...