an acquaintance lashed out at me... what do I do?

[photographer5]

Hello everyone,

 

I experienced a really difficult situation last night and since it involved an acquaintance and some closer friends, I can't just blog about it on myspace. I found this site, and thought I would vent here and possibly receive some advice on my situation. (Hopefully no one who was involved in the situation or who I might possibly know will read this.) I'll warn you, this is going to be long, but I really would appreciate any feedback. Actually, if all I do is vent and I don't get any feedback, I think I'll find that therapeutic enough.

 

Here's what happened: my husband and I (we're in our mid-twenties) took my husband's little brother out for his 21st birthday. We invited two other married couples to join us. One of the married couples (let's call them I&A) are pretty close friends of ours. The other married couple (let's call them C&K) are somewhere between acquaintances and friends. I say that because my husband and "C" have known each other since childhood and were friends for a long time and recently reacquainted. The girl ("K") and I, however; have only known each other now about a year and half and get kind of thrown together when our husbands hang out. I've generally liked her, but I could always tell that we have very different personalities and that we would probably never be really close friends.

 

Alright, so now you know some of the background info. The night was going well last night. The seven of us did shots at C&K's house, then went out for dinner, and then started going to different bars and clubs. We were all having fun, getting drunk, etc. Late in the evening as we were walking along the street towards the next club, some of the guys started attempting to jump over the parking meters by spring boarding themselves over with their hands. This girl, K, thought she would try too. She jumped up, got her hands onto the meter, and was just almost over the top, but then just got suspended there. My little brother-in-law, the birthday boy, ran towards her and pushed her. It was obvious that his intention was to help her over, but in his drunken state, he wasn't thinking and pushed her pretty hard. It caused her to fall face first into the concrete. At the last second, she got her hand up and turned her face to the side, so she actually didn't get a single scratch or cut on her. Now of course as this happened, we were all watching in horror and she seemed to fall in slow motion towards the concrete. It really was quite horrifying to watch. We all ran over to her, to help her up and make sure she was okay. And she seemed surprisingly fine. She was a little choked up as she spoke and said things like, "why did you push me? that wasn't cool." Of course my little brother-in-law felt horrible and was sitting on the curb holding his head in his hands. We took several minutes to console her and making sure that she was okay. She started making jokes like, "it's a good thing I have big ears to break my fall".

 

So, after several minutes, we got up and started walking again, things seemed better and all of us began to make comments to try to laugh off the situation. My husband said, "We'll all laugh about this someday when we're old." I said, "It's not a 21st birthday party unless someone gets hurt." As we were walking, C&K separated a little from the group and were walking ahead of the rest of us. The rest of us were all trying to console the birthday boy telling him, "It's okay. She's alright. Don't worry about it." But up ahead, we could tell that C&K were having a heated discussion. So then we started to get a little concerned about what was going on.

 

You see, K has had a tendency in the past to flip out on her husband. We've all seen her do it a couple of times before during different situations. One minute she's the life of the party, the next minute she's freaking out over something really small and ends up calling a cab to leave.

 

So when we could see things getting heated between them ahead of us, we all got serious again. As we're attempting to enter the club, I have to explain to the bouncer why I don't have my i.d. (yeah... that's a first for me.... going clubbing without my i.d.) As I'm speaking to the bouncer, trying to convince him to let me in, K's husband C spoke up and said something and she apparently (as I was told later) started saying to him, "Oh, you're going to stand up for her?" (Huh? where's that coming from? hang on, explanation to come.) We go into the club and are heading up a stairwell and she starts yelling and crying at all of us, "It's not funny that I got hurt you guys! I could have been seriously hurt and I don't appreciate all of you laughing at me! I don't appreciate being made fun of as I'm laying on the ground!" At this point, we've all stopped and we're standing in a circle in the stairwell area while she's screaming and crying at all of us. Of course all of us are saying to her over and over, "No,... no... no one was making fun of you. We're so glad you're not hurt. We weren't laughing at you....., etc." Then suddenly she says, "I don't appreciate being made fun of, _______". That blank represents my name. Yeah. She suddenly singles me out. Suddenly it seemed clear that it was my comment that really upset her. She started repeating back what I had said, "It's not someone's 21st birthday party unless someone gets hurt?! I was really hurt and I don't appreciate you laughing at me. It's a good thing I caught myself or it could have been a lot worse!" I was frozen. I couldn't believe that that comment I had made was taken so much to heart by her. And that all of a sudden I was the bad guy in this whole situation. I (along with everyone else) was saying over and over, "No, I'm sorry you took it that way. We weren't making fun of you."

 

Then her and I started going back and forth and she said things like, "You know, we're going out of our way to show you guys around downtown, we're giving you all rides, and this is how you repay us? You laugh and make fun of me when I'm hurt?!" I said several times, "K, I 'm sorry. I had no idea you thought we were making fun of you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We weren't making fun of you.... etc, etc." She wouldn't stop ranting and I raised my voice louder and said, "Look, I'm sorry! How many times do I have to say it? Three, four, five, six times I'll say I'm sorry. What else can I do? I was trying to make light of a bad situtation. But I wasn't laughing at you being hurt!" She seemed to calm down a little bit. It seemed almost like she just needed to get this all off her chest.... and of course everyone just wants the night to keep going and not be ruined, so everyone's hugging her, consoling her, telling her they're sorry, etc. So finally we head upstairs to the bar.

 

Talk about awkward! We standing around the bar and I'm feeling like a puppy dog that just got kicked around and spit upon and made to feel like a piece of scum when I did nothing wrong. All I can think about is how I want to leave and how I never want to see this girl's face again. Why would I want to subject myself to treatment like that? Not only that, but I was the wedding photographer for C&K just 4 months ago. They have yet to order their portraits, but I've been expecting them to do so within the next couple of weeks. So now I have to continue this photographer client relationship with this girl. In addition to the fact that our husbands are good friends and that we're all part of the same network of friends.

 

So I'm standing there in the bar feeling completely beaten down and was trying so hard to swallow my emotions and get on with the night, but I was like a bubble about to pop and I had to rush to the bathroom to cry. And here's the thing about me, I hardly EVER cry! My own husband has probably seen my cry a total of 3 times in the 3 years we've been married! Generally I don't get upset about things, but her words really got to me. I felt completely singled out. Eventually I come out and it turns out that K is still super pissed off and decided to call a cab to go home.

 

Yeah, that's the other awkward thing. Me and the other girl there that night had our purses in C&K's car. They had driven us from their house, so our cars were at their house. K storms out and we all follow. Eventually we all end up riding back to their house in the same car. We get to their house and it's one big K party. Telling K how much we're glad that she's okay. How much we love her, how we weren't laughing at her, how grateful we are to their hospitality, etc, etc, etc. She was sniffling and holding her hand that she landed on and saying, "I'm not trying to be a drama queen. I just don't like being made fun of and being laughed at."

 

Anyway, we eventually got out of there and Geez! All I can think about is that I don't want to ever see her again, but how can I not being in the same network of friends, our husbands being so close, and most importantly, me being their wedding photographer?

 

It's one thing to lash out at your spouse (not that it's okay), but it's more understandable. You have a committed relationship with them. If they have problems, they're committed (so far) to working it out. But I have no relationship with her. I have no commitments or obligations to work through issues with her! And if she treats me this way when I consider us loosely as friends, how would she treat me if we were even closer? I dont' want to have a friendship with this girl. She's like a time bomb and for some reason thinks I'm out to get her.

 

There. It's all off my chest. I already feel better. Now I just have to figure out where to go from here.

[amtjrtcet]

Welcome to ENA!

 

K sounds like a basket case. I would have been upset too if I were you. Blow it off. If it makes you more comfortable not to be around her, then distance yourself from the couple. Don't worry about it. Be the bigger woman and let her act like the idiot.

[flower99]

Wow K does seem like quite the drama queen.

Sure I may have been a little offended by your comment- probably more embarrassed, that I couldn't make it over the meter...lol... But I also would have realized that you were just trying to smooth over an awkward situation.

 

She was most likely embarrassed by the entire situation & would rather blame you than take responsibility. She doesn't know how to handle your emotions, and went about it in the worst way.

 

I would personally avoid her, be pleasant to her if she's around or wants to order photos.

But I wouldn't want to be close to her either - her feelings seem to be all that matters to her.

You handled it well...better than I would have (:

[Maverick32x]

ahh!!! thats crazy!! lol, She sounds like a TOTAL drama queen!!!! What did she expect.. everyone to just shower her with praise the entire night? It wasn't even her birthday!!! GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You totally handled it better that I would have haha

Either way, I would just do your job with the pictures, and maybe just not drink with her? or get drunk with her.. since I'm sure that just makes her act even more crazy.....

what does your husband think of this?

also, is there any possibility of some pent of jealousy? If she got mad at her husband for backing you up... and than called you out, despite all the other comments being made, it might be that she has been meaning to take you down a notch.. and this seemed like the best time to do it....

[Siriana]

I suggest avoiding going out with K and her husband. If your husband and her's husband are good friends they can meet without their wifes.

 

She is really difficult - maybe part of it goes to the fact she was drunk a little bit. How does she react while not drinkin? If she's constant drama queen I suggest not going out with her - she'll ruin every attempt to have fun.

[photographer5]

Thanks to all the comments thus far. I really appreciate the support! As far as the drinking causing the outbursts... yeah there's probably a correaltion there. But at the same time, it seems like the drinking just releases her to express things she's feeling deep down.

 

My husband was really upset by all of this as well. He felt really torn as to telling her flat out to cut it out, or just trying to cool things down along with everyone else.

 

The problem with avoiding her is that we hang out with the same group of friends. There's another couple in our little circle that wasn't able to go out with us last night.... and the guy in the relationship has been lifelong friends with C, and so it's like all of the guys are tied together with longstanding friendships. You see? It's pretty typical that all 4 couples get together every couple of months to hang out, play poker, go drinking, etc. I feel like if I'm even around her casually at a get together then who knows when she might flip out (or worse flip out on me.) My husband and I host a superbowl party and a halloween party and a new year's party every year. C&K host a Christmas party and Thanksgiving party every year.

 

Some other comments I forgot to mention that she kept repeating last night was a feeling that she was "not a part of the group", and that she felt we were against her. And she often directed these statements specifically to me as if I had some sort of agenda to exclude her. (Which until last night I didn't.)

[Siriana]

well, friendship is not business, so you don't need to be friends with someone just because of this net between the guys. if you don't feel comfortable with this group of friends - you can be rude and start going out with some other friends, or at least thinking about getting some new friends.

I hate beeing friends just because the group asks you to do that - I have a small amount of friends because of that.

But, since I need to stand all kins of people in my business, I reall don't have to do the same with friendships.

[photographer5]

Everyone else in the group is great! Everyone is else is normal and fun and we always have a good time. It's just this one girl that is an issue. And her husband is great as well. He's well grounded, stable, fun, social, rational.

 

It will be interesting to see how the next few months play out.

[Maverick32x]

Well good luck

Maybe with another outburst just walk away? I don't know how you deal with arguments usually, but it sounds like you were defintly caught off guard... so perhaps just try to avoid confrontation in general.. and if it comes up, just leave.. I don't know if people would consider this childish or not, but it seems like this girl just needs attention, and is trying to get it from somewhere...

[photographer5]

I wanted to walk away and I almost did, except my purse was locked in their car three blocks away. But next time I'm in her vicinity I'm going to make sure my keys and car are with me just in case I need them on a moment's notice.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Sounds like a drunken admission of how she really feels about you. She probably has only been acting friendly for the sake of your hubbies. I'd say just don't make an effort to avoid or be near her. I personally wouldn't talk to her again unless she apologized for being so flagrantly rude to you specifically when there were 6 other people there.

 

Some people need to be the center of attention, be it negative or positive. She's not worth your energy.

[photographer5]

The situation has just compounded into a much, much worse situation. My husband just received an email from C, K's husband regarding last night. In it, he proceeds to express how rude everyone was in not offering to help K when she fell. What the * * * *? Are you kidding me? We all ran to her side immediately! Then he proceeded to say how rude and hurtful "your wife's comments" were and again quoted the "It's not someone's 21st birthday unless someone gets hurt." Am I missing something here people? Is that really a malicious statment??!! He talked about how K has been in bed all day in pain today and that no one has called to check on her. He said that they can't be in the same group of friends as us any longer because of how rude we have been towards his wife.

 

How is this happening to me? Why and how have I become this malicious, horrible person in their minds?

 

I really thought that things would just be forgotten. That maybe in her sober state she would realize how irrational she was.

 

I'm in total shock, and have discovered a new level of betrayal and disappointment in life.

[CarnelianButterfly]

He probably got badgered by her until he gave in to say they won't be friends with you any more.

 

I don't think what you said was rude, I think she put herself in a situation to get hurt and was being a stupid drunk and didn't like that people laughed at her. She sounds like avery nasty person.

[Maverick32x]

well to be honest I think she did you a big favor...... I think her end goal is for you to be crawling back begging for her forgiveness.... I don't think its worth it.. but i'm a very "prideful" person...

Its kinda pathetic that she is trying to get attention by going through her husband and your husband's friendship....

[Ellie2006]

Hey P,

 

Sorry for all the drama you had to suffer through!

I agree with the other poster; cut her loose.

 

Re: the wedding photos: it sounds like maybe you'll have to cut your losses?

It's too bad after all the time/money/energy you put to taking their photos

Well, maybe all is not lost since they'll probably want their photos anyway?

 

You sound like a nice person and her disrespectful attitude has been totally uncalled for!

 

I don't think your comment was bad, not in the least, in light of the fact that a) she did NOT get hurt and b) after seeing that she was unhurt, you were only trying to looking out for your little bro-in-law.

 

Don't let her get to you ...

[Siriana]

Great, she sorted things out for you. Now the only thing you have to do is ask your mutual friends out first and starting going out with them before C&K, so that they are out of the game. If your friends choose C&K over you two - well who cares - you can have better.

DOn't even bother to apologize. I hope your husband stood by your side and told them to back off.

Don't even call for the wedding pictures - if she calls great, if not don't even bother.

[photographer5]

I agree with everyone's statements thus far. I don't want to try to work anything out with people who are going to treat me so horribly. The rest of our friends are competent individuals and sane individuals that we'll be able to carry on friendships with. As for K, my husband and I both awoke to messages from her ranting and raving about the same old stuff. Here's a copy of her letter:

 

C and I were all fine and dandy to start out your brotherinlaw's 21st at our house. We were more than happy to drive out on the town and show you all around to our fav spots. Yep, freak accidents happen and I know the situation was an accident. I have been out and about since I turned 21 and have never been in this kinda situation. Ya, your brother was drunk and I know it was an accident but your comment was way outta line. That is what affected me the most. Come on. You're tryin to make him feel more comfortable when I'm the one who almost got their face smashed into the concert??? I'm the one who is singled out here. Not one of you guys asked me if I was O.K. I was effected phycially and emotionally.

 

 

Gee, if that's actually the way things happened, then I don't blame her reaction. Unfortunately, she's completely twisted the night's events. My husband's letter was pretty much the same. We've chosen simply to not respond at all. I made more than enough apologies and expressions of gratitude on that night. I'm not going to keep repeating it until she decides to grant my pardon. That's bull * * * *.

[Siriana]

Well how about telling her she could take a lawyer and trying to take you to court for emotional pain. LOL don't do that, because she might try that!

 

If they continue to call or write - I suggest telling your husband to openely stay by your side by saying she already apoligized and I think there is no need to prolong this any further.

[caro33]

She sounds nutso, like everyone has said. I have an acquaintance like that and if you feed her bull**** in any way she just believes it more and more. Not that I think you had a real opportunity to tell her to pull her head in - she has the sympathy and support of others here and it's all too easy to demonise you.

 

I know I sound really paranoid but I would make sure I had documented what happened that night, a little more formally than your post but much the same, and I would date it and file it away. Be really clear about your perceptions of her hurt and how she went out afterwards etc. I'm saying that just in case she decides she has a damaged spine or something and decides she has a legal case against your brother-in-law and you. And then I would thank god I don't have anything more to do with her (sorry, maybe the photos are the trade-off) and be pleased she had made it easy on you to not have to be around her again.

 

My experience with people like K is that while you may feel you've entered into bizarro world and think 'how does no one else see this!' I'll bet everyone who knows her even slightly thinks she's a problem. I bet there's heaps more going on in her head, and maybe with her husband, that you don't know about and don't want to know about. I bet she gives off vibes to most people, like a brightly coloured poisonous frog.

 

You did nothing wrong, try not to let it bother you any more. Protect yourself & brother-in-law with a filenote, keep the correspondence from her, and then walk away.

[AwdreeHpburn]

a not as nice term as drama queen comes to MY mind and it starts with a Bee Yatch.

 

I've known people like that. I have a feeling she'll "understand" later and that's as close to anything resembling an apology you'll get from her. But DON'T Even sweat it!

 

She is the one who has issues....

[photographer5]

I'm seriously considering writing an email to K. Here's a draft:

 

 

I could repeat all of the same explanations and apologies I gave on Tuesday night a thousand more times, but I honestly believe that that wouldn't do any good, nor would it be healthy. From your perspective and as you have expressed numerous times now, D and I "are not true friends"; thereforeeee it seems that any attempt I may make now or in the future towards an explanation or reconciliation would be seen by the two of you as an untrustworthy lie. thereforeeee, why should I try? For the record, my comment was a reference to Murphy's Law which states that "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." If you still find it offensive, then I don't know what else to say. I know in my heart of hearts and deepest of souls that I held no malicious feelings towards you and meant no ill will for you. I'm at peace with that. I hope that you can be at peace with the witch hunt you made of me and the public humiliation I subsequently endured.

 

 

Is this a total mistake people? Should I send this? Should I save it? Should I change it? Opinions are much appreciated.

 

Many thanks to everyone for your continued support and advice in this matter!!!!

[CarnelianButterfly]

You don't need to explain yourself, she over reacted and blamed you. Don't say a word to her. No contact.

[Ellie2006]

Hey P,

I agree w/ CB. Don't email her. Don't call her.

No need to explain yourself at all!

Plus you'll only be giving her more ammunition ...

And who knows how she will twist your words around?

 

I think it may be best to forget her and the whole incident (as hard as it may be esp since she keeps pushing the issue )

 

Best wishes to you!

[photographer5]

You're probably right. I've been going back and forth on contacting her. Eventually, I'll probably decide to refrain from contact. Despite C&K's belief, I actually tend to spend a great deal of time analyzing my thoughts before expressing them.

 

Then again, maybe I should just send her a link to the local Alcoholics Anonymous group.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Don't do that, you don't want to sink to her level. No contact and remain stoic, you are being the adult.