My Jealousy and mistrust is getting out of control

[StaceyMay]

From the beginning.......My husband and have been married almost 3 years and have been together for 4. We started out so perfect, something God could only create. He was my everything. When we married I was young and never married before and he was divorced with a one year old child in which he had full custody of. After our wedding we settled into a comfortable home out in the country of my hometown which is approx. one hour and a half away from his hometown. Things were going great but immediatley after our wedding I started feeling tired all of the time, I was extremely moody and depressed. I would cry about spilt milk and would snap at my husband about the littlest things. It didnt take me long to find out that I was 6 weeks pregnant.

 

Along with pregnancy came a new me, my hormones were twisted and I was in a deep depression that had to have medication to treat it. I was no longer interested in my husband sexually and I despised him. I stayed sick, I vomited for 4 or 5 months every day. It was horrible. I became a real witch. After my son was born things didnt change with me much, I stayed on anti depressants as long as I could afford to keep taking them and they helped some. My husband had grown accustomed to me lashing out and would just sit back and watch me pitch my fits instead of consolling and giving me my way like he used to. I cant say I blame him. I knew he was tired of being run over and neglected. And when he finally had enough and we separated for the first time, he moved in with his dad back in his hometown, I knew that it was my fault and I had drove him to that point. So after about 2 months of reconciling with him about coming home he finally talked me into moving in with him. It was ok for a while, apparently in the two months that we had been separated he took up drinking and that was an issue. Eventually things got out of hand...late nights out drinking, late bills, bars and no work. Something had to give, I was hurt, I didnt even know this man anymore. Not to mention how lonely and vulnerable I was. I slipped and turn to someone else, someone who I had loved before and who had loved me and one night made a mistake that I vowed would never happen again. I made a promise to myself that night that I would rather live with the guilt than to tell him and hurt him even more than I had before. It wasnt long after that, that I moved in with a friend and went and discussed divorce with a lawyer. But during that seperation I realized that I loved my husband and I didnt want a divorce because I knew what kind of man he used to be and I felt as if I didnt do everything I could to get that man back. I went home, of course it was good for awhile and then the fighting and the drinking just became habit until one night I asked him if we could get counseling,to my surprise he agreed.

 

Talking to a couselor was tuff, we held nothing back, I regretfully admitted my wrong doing and the shame associated with it and SHOCKINGLY he admitted a one night stand he had had a year prior. I was devastated! Not MY husband!

 

Which brings me to present.....My husband and I are much better now that we have had some counseling, he has sincerely expressed his regrets in his wrong doings and we have cryed together knowing how much we hurt one another, we fight less, he has been completely sober for about 10 months, We have been honest with one another as far as I am concerned. But the thing is I dont trust him at all. I constantly question him, check his phone, check the phone bill, check his email etc. Its like I am always searching for some clue to prove his unfaithfulness. I am always on the defense about it. I am extremely jealous and I cant stand for him to speak to another female in passing much less chit-chat with an old highschool friend. This jealousy and mistrust has consumed me. I am so afraid of being hurt again and yet I know that this behavior will eventually push him away. Even after what I have done to him, he doesnt question me or spy on me...he trust me. How does he do it? How does he let it go? I want to so bad but I am afraid of letting my guard down because my luck is as soon as I start trusting him or giving him an inch he will let me down. I am driving myself crazy along with my husband!!!

[dogheadma]

Trust is believing in and hoping for the best and then letting go. If it dosen't work out, then you know you tried but if you never try you'll never know. It comes down to making a decision to hold on to what's most important to you; either having a fullfilling relationship or the fear that you won't.

[someguy69]

Quite the hypocrite, aren't you?

 

I don't see how you should be any more suspicious of him than he would be of you.

 

Anyways, what matters is the present, not the past. If both of you have vowed to stay true to each other, then you both need to focus your efforts on that, and not waste your energy focusing on past events.

[caro33]

This sounds like a tough time for you both, but well done on working through it and getting to where you are. Even with the anxiety you have, it sounds like a much better place to be.

 

Is the fact that you had no idea about his past transgression that has bugged you the most? I can understand that you might be on high alert now as some way of establishing an 'early warning' system.

 

But I guess the fact is that his one night stand was -

 

(a) only a one night stand, in that at least it wasn't a relationship; and

(b) seems to have occurred during a really tough time where you might not have been emotionally available to him (I'm not sure of the relative timeframes, is that true?).

 

Nowadays you are happy, or at least happier, and you have established a new level of intimacy. You are both in a different place. You also know what your cheating left you with - do you think you will do it again? If the answer is 'no' then try and apply that to your husband as well.

 

Now I am definitely NOT saying that cheating is okay if it's a one night stand, or if your partner is treating you badly, but I am trying to help you conceptualise this by the facts. You both made mistakes, but that does not necessarily determine the future for either of you.

 

Some questions:

- Do you think it's just a stage you're going through and you'll rebuilt trust, or are you getting worse?

- Is there anything you think he can do or say to help you move past this stage?

- Is there anything you think you can do for yourself to rebuild the trust you need?

- Any chance your anxiety is a lingering relative of the depression, or are they unrelated?

[EmotionalCreature]

My wife has asked me to "Please, all you have to do is just trust me". Sure, I trust her, but I don't know about her trusting me that I trust her. That's the issue, I can pour my heart out and turn myself into such a nice trusting person, but if she doesn't trust me then I don't know how its going to work.

 

She goes "Trust me" then she proceeds to put a password on her mobile phone's phone book entries, photo and file manager, SMS, delete call records, etc.

 

Coming home at 4AM in the morning with no bra on, get drunk outside then not coming home and not picking up my call also not calling me as well.

 

Now, can anyone please tell me how do I trust her when she's acting this way?

 

If this is happening to a friend of mine I would say "Dude, you're stuffed, don't keep the hopes up if she's acting this way", but when it happens to me I tend to stay positive, any verdicts?