Just... tired

[Kevin T]

I think I've hit a slump. Or maybe I've been in one for ages now and just forgot. Either way, I'm pretty depressed.

 

I'm stuck in a job I hate, but I shouldn't quit (though I probably will anyway) because I need the money to pay for my lease in an apartment I don't really like. I'm not going to school much anymore, I'd just rather sleep in... or simply not bother going. I've lost my interest and enthusiasm in school. I mean, what's the point? My grades probably won't be good enough to go on to grad school now anyway, so what good is a four year BA in psych going to do for me? Nothing.

 

I hate being single and it drives me insane. It's so boring coming home to an empty apartment with no one to talk to. So, when I come home, I just sleep. I'll take one or two naps a day, when I should be studying; because I don't care anymore. What does it matter? It's not like I'm happy anyway, because I'm not.

 

I'm just tired all the time. I have no energy, no enthusiasm, no direction, no point. I'd love to just go to sleep and never wake up. I often get excited with anticipation at the thought of when I am dead because at least then I can rest and relax. No more work, school, loneliness or misery. Sounds so comforting, so nice. (I have no intention of killing myself, I'm just saying how I look forward to a nice, permanent rest from all this crap.)

 

I find I'm extremely busy and don't know what to do about it. I had to drop a course simply because I don't have enough time to do all the work involved. so my grades are suffering, not only because I'm depressed, but also because I'm stuck working in hell and cannot quit because I have to pay my landlord's mortage on his house (due to my lease).

 

I miss going to church too, but I work every Sunday, so that's out. My spiritual life is really suffering and I hate it all the more. I can't even meet with my friends because I'm too damn busy. Maybe it's for the best though, I had a falling out with my last pastor, so maybe it's better to not be going to church than trying to find a new one or groveling back to the one I disagree with. I don't know.

 

Anyone ever feel like just crawling into bed and never coming out? I sure as heck do. I'm just tired and want to rest. I really hate my life, right now, you know?

 

I think Solomon said it best when he said, "Vanity, vanity; all is vanity!" That's how I feel right now. I feel like everything I do in life how no meaning, no purpose, no point. I could some up how I'm feeling right now in one simple phrase:

 

Why bother...?

 

Anyway, I'm done. Good night for now.

[ImThatGirl]

Aawww, Kevin!!!! Did you get your new scarf?

 

I'm kidding - trying to keep the humor!

 

I'd like to crawl into bed too many a days. If my kids could crawl in with me and somehow we'd be fed and all....

 

Why Bother?

 

Because if you just give up and give in to the depression and sadness, it will overcome you and your life and it will never get better!

 

Because if you continue onward, it will definitely get better. You will accomplish "paying your lease," "a degree at school" (even if it's not to go on to grad school.)

 

Because you deserve to feel better and deserve more in life than just giving up and giving into this!

[Dako]

Seems familiar to me. Last week it was pretty disabling.

Are your usual methods of coping failing you?

[brando]

You may be experiencing some depression. Perhpas you can find a professional to talk with.

 

Don't let this go by without speaking to soemone. It doesn't go away by itself.

 

be well.

[Kevin T]

I didn't bother with the scarf. I don't care what I look like right now. Today I left the house without shaving (haven't shaved in two days now), didn't style my hair, didn't wear cologne, didn't care what I looked like. Still don't. Why does it matter? Doesn't seem to get me anywhere anyway.

 

As for deserving better, thanks. It's nice to hear someone else say that. But maybe that great sense of expectation and entitlement is what is causing me to become so disillusioned and disappointed. I'm not at all where I'd like to be for being almost 25 years old. I've let myself down, in more ways than one.

 

It sickens me when people tell me how "proud" they are of me. "Proud?" I think. What have I to be proud of? A mountain of debt? A sub-par apartment? A horrible job that I loathe with all my heart? I haven't had a steady girlfriend in over two years now. (That is pathetic, IMO.) Still in university, still drive an old, crappy car, still single and still ugly. Yay, what else do I have to be "proud" of?

 

 

As for the usual coping methods, I don't have any to begin with. It was going to happen sooner or later that I end up snapping. I'm only human, sadly.

 

 

As for seeing a "professional," I'm pretty leery about shrinks (which comes from how much I know about psychology). I did talk to a counsellor (who only had an M.A.) at school last year, but her advice was horrid and I stopped going, of course. And I don't think meds are the answer.

[Ellie2006]

Hey K,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down ...

I am feeling like that myself ...

 

A few days ago, I decided to break NC around Christmas time and I felt so happy just planning to break it. But now I see that it was a stupid idea and have felt like a deflated tire ever since

 

Sorry for digressing.

Anyway, how about starting w/ the small stuff?

How about getting that scarf, stylin' your hair, and etc.?

 

It might be a small gesture but looking good can sometimes lead to feeling a bit better about ourselves ...

 

I also like to clean my apartment (haha yes, I am a tiny bit anal retentive and a clean-freak!) ... Seeing my place organized makes my life appear organized ... and gets me in the frame of mind to get more organized ...

 

Just my two cents worth ...

 

Hang in there and let's try to beat this slump! (I will try too...)

[Dako]

Are you fighting depression, or the world?

Depression is vulnerable, the world is not.

[Kevin T]

Well, my depression comes from my circumstances. Were they to change for the better, or were I to simply become stoic and not care anymore, the lack of energy would disappear.

[TheRedQueen]

Kevin T,

 

I know all too well what you mean, sleep for me has become not only my best friend, but my worst enemy.

 

I know that I am seriously depressed, when and if given the option to do something, my immediate response is, "Meh, no thanks, I'd rather be sleeping".

 

Life can be tiring, and when our expectations of it are unmet, it can also become a bit disappointing, but...there are options still, many, many options. Sometimes it's easier for us to take a passive role as being one of life's victims, rather than taking control of ourselves and responsibilty for our lives by living the life we have *actively* chosen. Ahh, but sleep is still so damn tempting.

[Kevin T]

I used to be a clean freak, but somehow I lost it as I matured and became an adult. Weird, huh?

 

Now I'm usually really laid back and don't worry over where things go... or much of anything else, really. I guess I just wanted to vent.

 

I'm someone who needs a purpose, reason and goal in mind with everything I do. (It must all be for the greater good, I suppose.) But when I lose sight of my purpose, I lose sight of myself. Life, for me, must have a meaning or else I just get tired of acting in this ridiculous play.

[Kevin T]

Kevin T,

 

I know all too well what you mean, sleep for me has become not only my best friend, but my worst enemy.

 

I know that I am seriously depressed, when and if given the option to do something, my immediate response is, "Meh, no thanks, I'd rather be sleeping".

 

Life can be tiring, and when our expectations of it are unmet, it can also become a bit disappointing, but...there are options still, many, many options. Sometimes it's easier for us to take a passive role as being one of life's victims, rather than taking control of ourselves and responsibilty for our lives by living the life we have *actively* chosen. Ahh, but sleep is still so damn tempting.

 

I swear, sleep is like... my favourite hobby now. No joke.

 

It's so comforting. So quiet. So much of an escape from harsh reality.

 

Some eat, some drink, some do drugs, some sleep around. I prefer to sleep as my escapism.

[TheRedQueen]

I'm someone who needs a purpose, reason and goal in mind with everything I do. (It must all be for the greater good, I suppose.) But when I lose sight of my purpose, I lose sight of myself. Life, for me, must have a meaning or else I just get tired of acting in this ridiculous play.

Please read, if you haven't already, Viktor E. Frankl's memoir, Man's Search for Meaning.

It is an inspiring book, especially for those people like you and I who have experienced or are experiencing an existential crisis.

 

Life is not worth living if it is devoid of meaning. The question is, what is the meaning of *your* life? No one can answer that but you.

[Kevin T]

Ugh. I read enough for school.

 

No more books, please.

 

People tell me I'm smart (I honestly don't see it but anyway), I hate reading. I am so not a bookworm, it's not even funny.

 

Though I have no doubt it's a great book. lol

[Juliana]

Bah. Don't tell me your mood is situational. I would have eaten my shoes back then, to be where you are at 25. It's not your life; you are getting depressed. Now, can you deal with it yourself, or do you need someone to help you sort it out?

 

btw, love your avatar.

[Kevin T]

Yes, I'm quite depressed based on where I'm at. I think I would know why I am troubled.

 

Eaten your shoes? I swear to God; I have NO idea what that means. Is it good... or bad???

 

And thanks. I thought it was humorous, so I started using it. In all fairness though, I am probably too thin and so there is a double-meaning there too. In some ways, I'd honestly rather be like that guy.

[Juliana]

Really? Cause he's a whole lot of man. I think you're better off as you are. But yeah, it's quite funny.

 

Eat my shoes, my hat, my whatever; point being, at 25, I was staggering out of a violently abusive relationship where I'd been beaten and raped on a daily basis. I was seriously ill with an as-yet undiagnosed illness (perhaps stress-induced?). My adoptive mother had died a couple of years before that, having just told me I was adopted and then basically cutting contact with me. I was attempting to start my life over, and my education was pretty much trade school, my skills were typing and the fastest line of bs you've ever seen. I was also a functioning amnesiac, though of course I didn't know that.

 

So, yeah, from where I'm sitting, you're doing pretty good. You own a car. You have your own apartment. You are employed. You are in university. This is not the stuff of situational depression, unless something has happened -- a death? -- that you didn't mention.

 

I'm not trying to make light of what you're saying; not at all. It's just that I think you actually are depressed. And I don't think it's because of your life.

 

But then again, it is your life. What do I know.

[Kevin T]

I'm lonely and tired of being alone. Been off and on depressed since the end of an engagement a few years back. I was genuinely happy with her and... well, haven't been since. I think that was indeed the catalyst for destruction for me.

 

And I'm truly sorry you had to endure so much. You deserved better.

[rikka]

Holy crow! Reading your post was like reading my internal monologue! Gawd man, we have some things in common and it is scary!

 

I don't have any astounding insight or witty remarks (I kind of envy those that do). All I know is that it is a battle to fight everyday. The only thing that gets me out of bed is the cursed job I have to go to so I can pay rent and eat food (though I do love my apartment).

 

All I can say is that you are not alone. If you ever need a buddy to wallow with... well, heck I can surely empathize... 7 years of education (and I currently work in retail)... a master's thesis that has sat on my hard drive for 2 months untouched.... a job I despise (and get paid very little to do).... anxiety out the wazoo...a spiritual life that has strayed so far so long that I scarecly recognize it... ruined/faltering friendships.... you name it.

 

All I can tell you is what others have told me, take it one day at a time. Doesn't make it any easier some days, I am still tired of it all, but if I slowly start aiming for where I want to be maybe one day I am going to end up there again.

 

Keep on truckin my good man. Don't let the "why bother..." beat you.

[Juliana]

"I'm truly sorry you had to endure so much. You deserved better."

 

Thanks, but in the immortal words of Clint Eastwood, "deserve's got nothin' to do with it." (Unforgiven). I should have added to my little curriculum vitae that I actually was quite hopeful about the future, even after all those events. Just stupid, I guess. Nobody "deserves" the things that happen to them; the universe isn't set up that way.

 

What I've found about my own moods is that although all these terrible events didn't help, the bigger problem was within me: My tendency to distorted thinking. If I wasn't prone to feeling personally responsible for everything around me, if I didn't split people into all good/all bad, if I wasn't constantly seeking a safe haven, if I was able to think in shades of grey and consider options -- I actually might have been able to escape most of it. It was my screwed up thinking that allowed the events.

 

This is what depression does as well. People see the event as the cause, the mood as the effect, but it's not always that way. Sometimes it's the mood that brings certain events about. It's worth asking yourself if the events are really responsible for how you feel, or if you have some depressive thinking that is trying to make sense of why you feel badly, without taking into account that bad moods tend to self-perpetuate unless they are intentionally interrupted.

 

Everyone suffers in the wake of a loss, but I don't believe that depth of love is measured by the duration of the pain; there are other measures. Their impact on your life, what they inspire you to do, the positives you can take from it are also measures of how much you loved. What makes the difference between the person who chooses to write a symphony for their lost love (Beethoven -- Immortal Beloved was apparently a true story), and the person who blows their brains out?

 

The breakup and your depression are unrelated events. Your life situation and your depression are unrelated events. How badly you are feeling is not something you "deserve." You don't have to make a place for it in your life.

 

Around the time I was getting the cr*p kicked out of me by my so-called boyfriend, a friend of mine became catastrophically depressed. This was no blue mood; although he'd had a mild depression for years, suddenly this guy couldn't figure out how to organize his thinking enough to get dressed in the morning. And then his wife started having an affair. He found out. He was dead within 3 days.

 

Was that the right response? No. His wife did not die; she wasn't depressed. She grieved, and moved on. She married the guy she was having the affair with (they have a nice house and three kids). It was the depression that precipitated his response, not the other way around.

 

You may choose to linger in the grey mood for awhile; some people do that. However, after seeing what happened to my friend, I would strongly suggest you view your tendency to depression as not something related to your life circumstances, but as a drag on who you are. I think you should attack it with every means at your disposal, be they chemical, psychiatric, or spiritual. I would not waste five minutes on the distorted thinking depression produces. Step outside the depression, see it as the problem, and deal with it first. Then see what the rest of your life looks like.

[Dako]

Brava!

 

Excellent points, and well put.

[Doogle]

Kevin

I've been rock bottom and survived were all survivors it's a state of mind you think the only thing that will make you happy is the actions from someone else look at your self would you go out with you….

 

This may seem harsh but look at your self before you try and get someone else stand up strait with head up you can do what you want in life like your self as a person and other people will like you and want to be with you.

(With that said) depression is just about the worst thing ever people say snap out of it but it seems imposable it feels like it will never end but Kevin it will pass and you will be happy believe it and it will happen.

(Dont think too much it's just life)

Good luck M8

[TheRedQueen]

You should honestly write a book, the world would benefit from it.

[Kevin T]

It's amazing what people can overcome in their lives. I really admire that.

[Juliana]

Don't throw Luke at me right now; I might take it the wrong way.

 

"The thief cometh not but for to steal and to kill and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

 

What is depression, except a thief that kills and destroys all the joy of life?

 

Hate your life the way Christ hated his, and go to a party and drink.

[Kevin T]

Part of my signature; I'm not changing it for you (no offense intended, please don't take it that way.)

 

I'm not a partier, and I don't drink, so that's out. Sorry.

 

I'm not as fun as Jesus. lol