Is lack of forgiveness a weakness?

[cchurting]

I have already posted about this. My live-in boyfriend of 2 years left me in April. Not much explanation, but we were fighting a lot and I figured maybe he couldn't take the heat. I tried to move on, but could never find the courage to really date anyone. I was so devastated over the breakup that I cut all ties and contact to my ex-boyfriend.

 

Well, two months go by with no contact and he shows up at my doorstep, begging for forgiveness. He is talking about how he much he loves me, and wants to get married and have a family. I did not take him back right away, but eventually we got back together because I knew I still loved him. But I did ask him what happened while we were broken up, and he told me he "made-out" with a girl. I believed him.

 

3 months after we had gotten back together, I found out (from my friend) that he had sex with another girl while we weren't together. Multiple times. He lied to me, straight up to my face. I was just devastated that I was lied to, but I now know I shouldn't have asked. I struggle with how much he really loves me if could move have sex with someone only a couple weeks after separating?

 

After finding all this out, I asked for my space to gather my thoughts. We went on a couple of dates just as friends, tried to work it out, but I just kept bringing it up when I got emotional. I know we were broken up when he did it, but the pain of him sleeping with another woman almost feels the same as if we were together, simply because I found out about it while we were back together. I couldn't get over being lied to about it as well. Sooo painful. Double whammy, too much.

 

Maybe I didn't allow myself enough time. Or maybe my instincts were protecting me from getting hurt by him again and thats why I couldn't let go. I don't know. He is my first love but I just couldn't stop thinking about him being with someone else and lying to me about it. I guess I am young and I have never dealt with a situation like this.

[Scout]

Would you have taken him back if he had admitted to you initially he slept with someone else? Try to be as honest with yourself as you can when pondering this question. Also, provide a few reasons explaining why/why not...whatever your answer may be.

 

There's a point to my question, by the way.

[scsavino]

I know it would be hard to get back with someone after they have slept with someone else. But it happened when you were apart. Thats it. I know it would kill my ego if I found out that my ex went to someone in between me when I was here all the time. But its kinda like being mad at all the other women he may have been with BEFORE you and he got together, you know? You cant actually blame him for all of that. He came back to YOU after seeing the other side.

[Scout]

There is also another problem....that he broke up with you because of you being upset about this. I don't know how badly you two fought about this, though. From what you said about your original break up - the first one - intense fighting caused that one, as well.

 

So, the larger issue here is that you two appear to fight a great deal on top of everything else.

[cchurting]

Thank you for the advice Scout.

 

I am starting to think that we fought a lot because we are not on the same page in life.

 

I am graduating college soon, and he is just starting.

 

For example, I would have done something similar to what he did, ie having sex with someone right after break up, when I first started college 4 years ago. That was my mindset then. I am a whole diffferent person today though, and I now know that doing something like that would only hurt me worse. He is just learning the lessons I did long ago. FYI we are the same age.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I'd be worried that he had slept with a "really young" girl. Sounds like a minor to me.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

The reason why I say that I'd be worried is because it kinda says a lot about someone's character when they're an adult and sleep with a minor. It's just something I personally would be very anxious about.

[Beec]

cchurting,

 

I cannot think you were wrong to have not trusted him, with regard to sex he had when broken up with you. I hardly think it was your business, so long as he was disease free. But you did not trust him after that.

 

It might be more that you did not trust him after the break up. I cannot tell you that, you might be able to figure it out, now or at some later date.

 

But once there is a lack of trust, there is really nothing to the relationship. Getting it back is tough. You need to retreat to stage 1 of the relaitonship and begin again. It seems as if neither or you did that. It also may simply not have been possible.

 

I think your different tages in life may have a lot to do with things. We need to have the same vision as to where we fit in a relationship, as our partners have. If he sees you as a stay at home Mom, you need to see you that way too. If he sees his wife as having any role, you need to see you in that role. And vice versa. Being that you are at different stages, this is likely to have been a problem.

[Scout]

I would have done something similar to what he did, ie having sex with someone right after break up, when I first started college 4 years ago. That was my mindset then. I am a whole diffferent person today though, and I now know that doing something like that would only hurt me worse. He is just learning the lessons I did long ago. FYI we are the same age.

 

Well, it seems you at least have the ability to put yourself in his shoes and reason things out a bit from his point of view...which let me tell you, if more people had the ability to do, we'd have a lot less conflict.

 

However, I am not sure if he has that ability. Especially if he broke up with you (again) for being upset about this. Whether it's right or wrong of you to be upset about him sleeping with someone else isn't really of concern to me, so much as that you might not have been able to discuss this without him getting very defensive. In a relationship, we need to have room and trust to talk about our feelings from time to time.

 

It could very well be you two are just at vastly different emotional immaturity levels. And that's hard to overcome.

 

What was, from your point of view, difficult when it came to communicating with each other? Were you both highly defensive, insulting? Did one of you shut down and refuse to talk?

[cchurting]

When we fought, he would tell me what I wanted to hear and then not deal with it. Sometimes, he would just leave. That was when S@#$ really hit the fan.

[blueangel_one]

cchurting,

 

I'm actually going through the same thing. He's my 1st love; cheated w/ somebody much younger; lied about it to my face and while he was under the influence. We tried to get back together, but i couldn't forgive him, so he left again. It's because we were angry and unhappy and b/c he wants to be able to do the Ross thing from "Friends": We were on a break. There is another young girl he would like to get to know better and doesn't want me to be able to hold it against him later if we get back together again...however unlikely that may be, but she is not the reason we broke up this time. I believed he had to try a lot harder to make it up to me...i couldn't believe anything he said anymore - i had nothing concrete now to know he was telling me the truth.

 

I do not think sleeping with someone after you is the same as the ex-girlfriends before you. I do not see how sleeping with someone else tells you who you love. If anything, i think it tells you that he is trying to find someone else and is coming back to you b/c he has not found her yet and you are safe and familiar. Yeah, you might be broken up @ the time, but that is not a free pass for you to sleep around and then come back and pretend there is nothing to deal with. He can get to know somebody else, but if he is ready to share himself like that, then he should let you go; otherwise, be prepared to do what is necessary for as long as necessary to make it up to you.

 

It is really up to you to decide if he crossed a line. A feeling of betrayal is something you never forget, it always leaves a scar you will have to live with together if you stay together. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, it is about no longer hating the offender and making peace with yourself. My ex knew sleeping with the 1st girl would destroy our future, but he felt it was something he had to do. He said it was only one time, but i don't know if that is true; if that makes it easier to deal with. I don't think he is capable of loving me the way i love him. Once i make peace with who he really is, i'll leave him alone.

[cchurting]

I do not think sleeping with someone after you is the same as the ex-girlfriends before you. I do not see how sleeping with someone else tells you who you love. If anything, i think it tells you that he is trying to find someone else and is coming back to you b/c he has not found her yet and you are safe and familiar.

 

I agree with this. I do not care about someone's past because I was not part of it. However, when broken up, I was still emotionally attached to him.