Post-Breakup Dating... Timing?

[insofar]

Hi folks. I posted here a few weeks ago about an unexpected breakup with my long distance girlfriend of about a year and a half. While I still think about her sometimes and occasionally have a downturn and miss her for a while, things have been much better recently. I've been hanging out with friends and trying to get out of the house more, which is really something I should have been doing anyway.

 

Maybe 15 days into the breakup, I signed up for OKCupid and answered a bunch of questions, having heard about it on a friend's blog. I didn't mark myself as single and still haven't marked myself as looking for a relationship as I really just wanted to see what was out there (and it is nice to know that there are some apparently good matches out there).

 

I was talking with a friend about all of this and mentioned the OKCupid profile, she asked to see it, and I showed her my top match... which just so happened to be one of her best friends I have never really talked to this person (I think I've seen them once at said mutual friend's apartment) so to me they're still a stranger.

 

A few days later, I heard from my friend that this person who was my top local match on OKCupid actually asked her, because of one of my comments on the friend's blog, who I was and if I was single.

 

Now, here's my main quandary. I still haven't talked to this person at all as I think it's a little too soon, and I've heard so many bad things on here about rebound relationships, so I don't want to hurt her if my judgment is impaired by the recent breakup. At this point I don't know if I'd get back together with my ex even if she wanted me back; there are a bunch of trust issues and I just don't think I'd want to be with someone who wasn't 100%.

 

So: How do I know when I should move on? I've considered messaging this girl and just taking it slow, getting to know each other for a while (online) before anything got serious. Would it be a bad idea to do that, and if so, how long do you think I should wait?

[leo_s84]

Well less than a month after the breakup is definitely not enough to start a new relationship without your ex being in your mind, in my opinion..

But you could try talking to her, just make sure you're over your ex before you start anything with this girl.

About how long you have to wait, there's no standard as everyone is different. Some people need a month, others need years...

[ebsmith1]

I'm wrestling with the same thing. It's been over two months since my breakup and I still have a lot of pain and a lot of feelings for my ex. But, I've met someone nice and want to see what could happen. It's hard but I can't let my ex run the rest of my life. He's gone and I'm going to move on and be happy. Just take things really slow.

[Vynde]

I came accross this article, and as it doesnt pertain to me at this time, I thought it might relate to this post in some ways...

 

I have turned into some kind of internet troll, searching for anythig I can to calm me down.. I hope this helps people.

 

Its a little long.. sorry.

 

John

 

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So you think you've made it successfully from "it's over" to "I'm over it"? You might be but many people mistakenly assume they are over it only to experience some random emotional setback. Then, they realise that they aren't quite as "over it" as they'd assumed. Read on for some tips to gauge just how healed you actually are.

 

One night, I was watching a repeat of Friends where Rachel runs interference between her sister and Ross, because she can't handle the thought of them going on a date. When her sister is upset that Ross cancelled, Rachel tells her sister the best way to get over a guy is to start dating a new one. Boy, haven't we all heard that before? I rather suspect most people on the planet actually believe it too. If I had to pick just one gigantic myth about recovery, then that whole "immediately get back in the saddle" chestnut would have to be it.

 

Hey there people, newsflash, just because you may be seeing someone new and are even happy with the person, it doesn't mean you are completely over your ex. In fact, I would estimate that 90% (or more) of the people on link removed rebound - that is to say, they start to date someone new before they have fully grieved the loss of a marriage or significant relationship, naturally, wholly and completely.

 

Rebounding can be a grey, hard-to-define, area and it is something we don't always realise we are doing. In fact, I would go as far as to say most people even deny they are rebounding, and are often most-insistent that they're not! I've done it and I bet you have too at some point.

 

As humans we are all so very different and each of our relationships are unique. Some people experience cruel break-ups whilst others have been let down gently. Regardless of the way it was handled, the outcome was essentially the same - it was "over". When that happens, and despite what Hollywood shows us, every dumpee throughout the world has to endure a similar of healing process - which varies in length from person to person. Because all break-ups are different, what may be considered "over it" for one person may not be exactly the same for another.

 

Sadly, one of the main reasons people do rebound, is because dating is a distraction from the their own, often painful, healing process. In an effort to fast-forward through it, a dumpee hopes that the new person will help them "forget" the loss of the old person. While it's an understandable concept, it's ill-advised. At the end of the day, that solution can be about as effective as putting a band-aid on a gaping bullet wound. Better to feel whole and healed before embarking on a new flight of fancy.

 

After years of perusing thousands of posts, not to mention surviving three break-ups in my own right, I have compiled some road signs which serve as universal indicators to being whole again which you can use to gauge how your progress is. This list is by no means exhaustive and again every item will not be relevant to every person who reads this. Take it as general as possible and if you realise that you're not quite there yet, don't punish yourself. Take your time, do it right.

 

THINKING ABOUT THEM LESS

 

First of all, one thing you will notice when you begin to feel over someone is that you realise that you are no longer thinking of him or her all the time. You know what I am talking about - the first thing you think of as you wake up, and the last thing you think of as you drift off to sleep at night (not to mention those hourly intervals throughout the day) is no longer your ex. Hooray. It feels good when you finally stop obsessing over "what could have been" and are no longer dwelling on what went wrong all of the time - doesn't it?

 

And when you do find yourself thinking about your ex, and it doesn't make you feel sad, angry, hurt, bitter, or nauseous (or any other intense emotion), then that is a very good sign as well. If thoughts can come and go freely without bringing you down, and you are able to remember the "good times" without them eliciting a painful emotional response, then you are most certainly on the right track.

 

PLOTTING

 

If you have stopped plotting ways to get back together and have honestly stopped praying for reconciliation, then that's a pretty good indication you're over it.

 

MUSIC

 

When you hear music that reminds you of your ex, and you don't become a complete emotional wreck, then you're getting somewhere. Being able to play music that once held meaning for you both can be a good sign that you are ever closer to that finishing line. In fact, the music you find yourself constantly playing, in general, can indicate where you are at. For instance, if you've stopped playing the sappy and depressing love songs and started to put on empowering music like "Survivor" by Destiny's Child, then points for you.

 

PICTURES

 

When you look at old photographs of the two of you together how do you feel? If you burst in to tears repeating "why why why?", well then, you are probably not quite there yet. However if you can look at them and recall the happier times and don't feel upset, then you yay you!

 

ENDING THE RACE

 

Another good indication that you are over it, is if you no longer feel the need to compete with or prove anything to your ex. In the early stages of my break-ups, I tended to fantasise about bumping into them whilst having some hot, new replacement on my arm. If you have started to date someone new, and are constantly wishing you would bump into your ex to "show off", then it sounds to me like you're not really over it (and probably should not be dating someone new, seriously anyway). Some people might even consider this using someone but that's another article...

 

When you really are over your ex, it is all about the new relationship and less about a competition with your ex and trying to PROVE you are over it. When it comes to being over an ex, the key is to actually become indifferent.

 

At the end of the day recovery is not a race. For instance, just because your ex has got a new job, relationship, house or started a family and you haven't, it is of no reflection on you, your desirability, your worth or your future.

 

NOT TAKING REVENGE

 

If you heard that something fantastic happened to your ex, would you be pleased - or at the very least disinterested? Or would you spend hours dissecting how unfair the world is, rant to everyone you know that there is no justice, and sit around fuming with envy over the good fortune? Someone who is over it would most certainly not celebrate misfortunes. Well, ok, not for long at any rate! Maybe just a silent smirk for a moment or two…But if you find that you are dialling everyone you know to dish the "good news" that your ex got dumped, fired, or some other tribulation, then chance are you're not over it. Sorry. Keep trying...

 

LOOKING FOR HIM/HER WHEREVER YOU GO

 

I am very guilty of looking out for an ex I still am interested in every where I go. If I go into town, I look into the shops we went to, or at concerts I think he might be at. That's a pretty good indication I am still living with the ghost of an ex. And if you think you see him or her, or see a car like theirs, do you speed up to catch up to it? Feel your heart skipping a beat? Most of us have thought we saw them and found we suddenly had a lump in our throat. Awful feeling isn't it? Ok, to be fair, this is not a conclusive factor you're not over it, because I have been known to see exes I feel NOTHING for and still my heart raced. I guess you need to look at what thoughts are ones that cross your mind when you do bump into them.

 

 

REVISITING FORMER HAUNTS

 

Have you started going back to places (such as gigs, cities, countries, stores or restaurants, etc) that you have been avoiding since the split? Or are you still avoiding the former haunts? Someone who is willing to face the fears and make new memories is a healthier healer than the one who categorically gives such power to their ex by staying away. Go to that restaurant again. Watch that movie you both saw together. Go somewhere your ex might be - if you want to do. Don't let the thought of bumping into an ex stop you from doing what you want to do. Paltrow if you have to but please start taking your power back today!

 

YOUR EX HAVING SEX....WITH SOMEONE ELSE

 

My own favourite test to determine if I am are over someone is, if I can picture my ex sleeping with someone else and it doesn't make me burst into tears with the sheer pain of it all, then that's a pretty good sign the ex is firmly ensconced in my history file.

 

In other words, if it doesn't hurt, or I am decidedly indifferent, then I am pretty much over him! "Let her have him", that's what I say! Seriously, try it now, visualise your ex sleeping with someone else and whispering sweet things in someone else's ears. How does it make you feel? Grossed out? Does it make you cringe and think "what was I thinking?"? Both are perfectly acceptable, as is feeling relieved that it's not you. If however you're now feeling angry, jealous or hurt then that would indicate you're not quite there yet. Don't worry, you'll get there...Keep on keepin' on.

 

WISHING THEM WELL?

 

A benevolent test for the more spiritual people out there is that, if you can visualise sending your ex genuine loving thoughts and energy (e.g. praying for them), then you're over it. If you're thinking, "no way Jose" then I will admit that I can appreciate where you are coming from. That is challenging for most people. If you're saying to yourself "well I could, but why bother?" then I would remind you that the things we send out into the universe always come bouncing back to us. So why not work toward sending some good vibes out - the universe always rewards.

 

Every break-up is different and some people will make more progress at getting over their ex. Some people are more forgiving than others, so if you are one of these people who struggles to forgive and wish them well, then aim to feel indifferent or wholly detached. Essentially, if you are really "over it", you should feel nothing in the worst case scenario and nostalgic in the best.

 

READING THEIR HORROSCOPE

 

Are you still reading his or her star sign each morning? I know, you probably don't even admit to reading them, but if we're still thinking of our ex, it's not uncommon to glance over their sign too. Having the same sign doesn't count here.

 

BUYING THEIR FOOD & WATCHING THEIR SHOWS

 

If you are still buying their favourite foods - when they're not your favourites too, you probably have a little ways left to go. One of my friends was watching ER one night when she realised much to her horror she doesn't even like ER. She'd just gotten used to watching it with her ex. She stopped watching it that night and never looked back!

 

 

THE EX'S WEDDING

 

One of my friends suggested that someone who can attend their ex's wedding, and remain quiet when asked if anyone has any reason the happy couple should not be married, then that person is probably over it. Alternatively, if you go to the wedding, wishing that it was you saying "I do" and not your replacement then naturally, you're not there yet.

 

STOP RUSHING

 

Don't try to cut corners or speed up the healing process - simply trust that you're right where you are meant to be and doing the very best you possible can. In time, you will know more about yourself, and effectively you will do and feel better. Try to take time to get to know yourself and feel good alone before venturing into the next relationship. I am a great believer that people who use their down time wisely will fair much better than those who feel the need to transfer their affections from one relationship to the next in order to get over their pain.

 

CONCLUSION

 

In some ways getting over your ex is probably a lot like falling in love. You just sort of know because you feel over it. You find yourself thinking of your ex less (or not at all) and if you bump into them, you don't suddenly feel "back to square one". Any setback you feel is brief - a few hours at most.

 

FORGIVENESS IS KEY

 

Being over it means feeling peace with the break-up. There would definitely no longer be bitterness, hurt or anger. Unfortunately that is where so many people on link removed get stuck.

 

 

If you're unable to get past this pain, you will never be free from your ex. Work on forgiving and letting go so you can once again be whole. All too often I hear dumpees crying out "but if I forgive him/her - isn't that saying that what they did was acceptable?" My answer is "No, it's not". Forgiveness is about self preservation. We don't do it for them, we do it for US. Not forgiving and moving on only serves to TIE you to your ex longer.

 

Finally, someone who is truly over their ex would be able to be friends (if they so desired) without it being painful or to be continually wanting more.

 

Now, do you still think you're over it? Yes? Well then, good for you.

 

If you have read all of this and determined you're not quite there yet, don't get depressed, simply keep on working through it all, and eventually you will be whole again.

 

And now, for anyone not quite there, I leave you with one of the best paragraphs I have EVER seen written on this site:

 

"I believe time alone doesn't heal. You have to want to get over your ex and constantly try to see yourself happy without them. As long as you focus on the fear that you'll never meet anyone else, the anger that they left, or the hope you'll get them back, you'll stay pretty much stuck in the same place. Of course, you need to take time to grieve the end of a relationship, but you also need to keep looking and moving forward - not backwards. It's important to do new things, meet new people and create new memories. Gradually, as you force yourself to interact with others, you will start to find yourself enjoying at least parts of life again. If keeping yourself busy was the only solution to getting over an ex, then none of us would be here. It's a combination of doing these things, time and crucially adopting the right attitude that works." - Judge

 

Those may not be the words you want to hear but they are accurate none the less. Peace.