Not sure what to do anymore

[W1nter]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some help and a bit of advice or support, so here I am. I was in what I thought was a secure and safe marriage for nearly four years now. I don't know what happened or where things changed between my wife and I, but a month ago, out of the blue, she served me with separation papers. Apparently there had been a lot bothering her which she wasn't being open with me about, but I'm still not sure if that's true. What I do know is she's found someone else and, instead of cheating on me, she was open about that too and she's leaving me for them. Shocked and confused, and just numb from pain I signed the separation agreement and spent the next week with her, basically not communicating. It was horrible. I then left and stayed with a friend for a couple of more weeks and when she left our home to go stay with a friend of her own, probably the person she's leaving me for, I went back for another week while I was looking for a place to go to.

 

I've since gotten a new place and have moved in (just yesterday) and I don't know what to do anymore. I've felt every emotion I think I could possibly feel over the past month; incredibly hurt, alone, betrayed, confused, desperate, angry, etc... I've lost my best friend and the one person I loved more than anything. The person I would do anything for.. and she didn't even want to work on our problems. I thought she was happy!

 

I also made all of the mistakes - emailed her over and over, called her, begged and pleaded and apologized, told her I love her more than anyone, that I will always be there for her, that I would do anything just to make this work.. but she's not interested. She's infatuated with someone else and the only thing I can think to do from going crazy or killing myself is the NC route... I can't live hoping she will change her mind or realize how good of a person she's leaving.

 

The old place was horrible because it was like being in a haunted house - a lot of good memories that are too painful now to experience. The new place is... empty. I haven't felt alone for the past four years and I have few friends now that I devoted so much time to her.. the silence in this place was unbearable. The thought that she's with someone else now and not feeling lonely, and probably not missing me, and not even thinking about me or all of this is brutal. Crying every day is just getting tiring... I haven't shed a tear in years and now I can't stop. I feel like my life is over.

 

I just need to find some way to cope and let these feelings slowly fade. How can I deal with this overwhelming loneliness? The faint hope that she'll come back? How can I get over this? What should I do?

 

Any help is appreciated...

[L.J.]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. The fact that it was out of the blue when she served you the papers, and she was not being open with what was bothering her indicates the intent is not a recent decision. It's selfish on her part to find some someone first before she serve the papers. I can understand how shocked and hurt you are.

 

I am glad you moved into your new place because going back to the old one will only remind of the happy days, and it would be hard to deal with the pain and betrayal she served you. I wish there is something I can do or say to make the pain go away but I want you to know that you are not alone. I am hanging in there a day at a time myself and coming to this site is a great way to cope. The people here are SO supportive. They certainly help cushion my pain when I feel like I'm falling apart.

[William55]

Hey W1nter,

 

Hang in there bud. Going thru the same thing only I'm at our "old" home. Still putting away some scattered clothing, incliuding some of her underwear, etc.

Pictures everywhere illustrating our eleven years together.

Wham Bam....want a divorce.....moving in with him.

Let me tell you something she said to me last month after I gave her a brief kiss on the lips. She told me a few days later that she felt like she was cheating on him!!?? Man I knew then that I had about as much chance of saving our marraige as a Japanese tourist.

Can't afford to leave the home plus I've got dogs and cats to feed. I put it on the market. Nice piece of land that I purchased several years ago from money I made in Iraq. By the way, yea you guessed it. She had company while I was dodging mortars.

I contemplated everything. You just look at the destruction of your whole life and just want to give up. BUT DONT!!!

Don't care if you are a bum on the streets. Stick around to watch it come bite her on the donkey someday. It will!

[fr0st]

I suppose you read my post, my GF left me a bit shy of 3 years. I was going to ask her to marry me after we finished school. She told me at this point in her life she couldnt be with anyone its just too stressfull. And that she just needed some space. Im very alone now too and ive cried more than any other time in my life in the past 2 weeks. This whole thing has lead me to deal with some other painfull memories of my past that may have lead me to problems in this relationship, Ive finally comfronted my parents about some things, I really spoke to my mother about my feelings and what not, for the first time in my life. And since i did that i feel a * * * * load better. I really hope we can work things out.

[W1nter]

Yeah.. I tried to rationalize with her, but it was no use. 'We've had four good years, we're building a life together, everything has been good and anything that hasn't we can fix. Why are you throwing all of this away and hurting me, and hurting your family?'

 

Her answer? 'I'm not being very rational am I?'... of course, I agreed with her.. and it changed nothing. Ahh well...

[L.J.]

Not being very rational? Spent a good four years building a life together and tearing it apart on the expense of your heart, especially after finding someone first is not being irrational.

 

She doesn't understand the difference between irrationality and weakness. In such a foul state of mind, how is she capable of making a choice .... oh well ... ignorance is a choice too.

 

Hang in there pal ... she does not deserve to be drowned in a pool of tears, especially not yours !!

[desertnomad]

Regardless of what 'state of mind' a person is in they are still responsible for their behavior unless they are certifiably insane. She is not even worthy of his tears at this point.

[LONESOUL]

I agree with Desert~shes not even worth tears at this point.

William55... 100% watching karma do it's thing will be worth sticking around for, but I bet life will have a funny way of getting better while he waits!!

While we all wait ~for that matter!