I don't understand all of the lies, it's just getting so old.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Starting to think I'm with someone who's 70% loser, 30% good guy. Even though he constantly gets caught in lies about some shady shizznit, he always rationalizes the hell out of it until he's seemingly convinced himself that his take on 'reality' is what's correct. Also doesn't seem to have much of a conscience, but will fake one to look 'good' in front of me. Or rather, keep me around, for ulterior motives I've not yet discovered. Clearly still has feelings for his wife that he buries and tries to cover with nasty & negative rants about her. Yet if I say something, sometimes he'll agree but other times he'll get subtly defensive of her... strange. Guess the bond you have with a person you have a child with is there for life, no matter how abusive said person was to said child..

 

Also claims to be so against cheating and etc etc, but um, tried it on me in the beginning. When we had already established a relationship. Only thing that stopped him from committing the act was that he found out the girl was only FOURTEEN years old, instead of 18 like she looks. Though if you'd ask anyone around here, she could pass for maybe 16/17 but not 18... and if he was so against messing with young girls, he wouldn't have been trying to get with a ton of SIXTEEN year old girls at the local grocery store last year when he was 24. It's all pretty sick to me, and yes yes, obviously is SCREAMING of red flags. Yes people, I know, I know.

 

He's been a good boy ever since he actually fell in "real love" with me (or so he claims, or so he thinks.. he could be lying about THAT too, and either just thinks that he does, or feels strongly and figures by claiming to be in love he can keep me around..), heh, or as far as I know. I'm pretty sure he HAS been a good boy, he comes home from work straight to me and calls me from work everyday, and never does anything apart from me. The problem is he is controlling and doesn't want me, (hell, doesn't LET me) go out with my friends by myself and doesn't let me talk on the phone in private, and will flip out psychotically over the most insane of things. It's almost everyday now that something gets broken... I fear for my kitties. It's like, for example, say I want to get on the internet, browse this website, browse this freesample website, and download music and stuff... nothing big. Rather than watch television with him (when I've been around him all day..., or for hours after he gets off work and comes home..).. he'll start going into a RAGE, has pulled out phone cords and threw the computer tower accross the room so many times, and has broke so much other stuff.. busted the bedroom window the other day, broke the nightside table and the living room coffee table, and chairs, and ashtrays and halloween knicknacks and other miscellaneous stuff.. and it's all over the most insane of things.

 

I just don't see this working out, I am frustrated as hell. We can fun like all-get-out sometimes... and he takes me to dinner everyweek, and doesn't want to take me to crappy little cheap places, and he also likes to buy me stuff even though I tell him not to. He also lets me stay in his house, and pays all the bills. BUT, the bad stuff far outweighs the good stuff. I don't know how to go about ending things. I don't want to, but at the same time it's obvious he won't change. Unless anyone has suggestions on how to get him to change??

 

Maybe I lay down an ultimatum; like "Dude, get some counselling! Anger management! Possibly medications! Sommmmmmmmething!"

[Batya33]

Interesting how you focus on what he buys you and gives you materialistically.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Interesting how you focus on what he buys you and gives you materialistically.

 

Why do you say that?

 

By that, I merely meant that by doing such things, he feels he's doing something good for me. And he's tried to buy me a LOT of things I would consider too expensive, and wouldn't allow it. But the occasional "surprise her with a flower!" is sweet.

 

I mention this because everytime we fight, he tends to not focus on things he's done wrong, but things he feels he's done right.. he always says, "haven't I done a lot for you? Don't I try to do all I can for you?" and etc etc. I'm merely acknowledging that he does, I'm not trying to come off materialistic. I don't WANT anything, except for stability, honesty, and no more psychotic fighting.

[Batya33]

OK - just consider that what he's not giving you is solid values. All the dinners and trinkets in the world aren't worth the absense of those values, in my humble opinion. Other than "but i love him!" why are you with this guy?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Oh, I reread what I wrote and realized how it sounded when I said he doesn't want to take me to cheap and crappy places. I meant that's how HE sees it. I wouldn't complain about going to say, burger king, hey a girl needs to throw down on burgers and fries every once in a while. I wouldn't complain at all. It's how he views things though, he doesn't want to take me to such places and brings it up constantly.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

OK - just consider that what he's not giving you is solid values. All the dinners and trinkets in the world aren't worth the absense of those values, in my humble opinion. Other than "but i love him!" why are you with this guy?

 

Oh okay, I see what you meant.

 

I don't know really, sometimes I couldn't tell ya why.

 

But I know we laugh together, have fun together.. we care about eachother..

 

um, I can't really see why else. So many things he's done conflicts with my internal morals and values.

[Siriana]

I remember one of your posts you've wrote before about the same guy.

Looks like you are getting closer to see him objectively.

[Momene]

Sorry, I don't like to advise people top split, except as a last resort but reading your original post on this thread, I hope you'll soon change your name to Disengaged Kitty. His behaviour is unacceptable and you can do better.

[itsallgrand]

Oh wow, Kitty. The stress of living like that is oozing out onto the screen.

 

Before making another move, you may want to take a hard look at your finances and living options. Do you work? Could you make it on your own or with a roomate? Is going back home an option for a while?

 

Have the option of leaving at any time. Maybe you will stay with this guy, maybe you won't - it certainly can't hurt to be prepared and squared away your self in case of an emergency or big decision.

[Batya33]

Oh okay, I see what you meant.

 

I don't know really, sometimes I couldn't tell ya why.

 

But I know we laugh together, have fun together.. we care about eachother..

 

um, I can't really see why else. So many things he's done conflicts with my internal morals and values.

 

How is it that he shows he cares (other than buying you dinner and trinkets)?

[Siriana]

So many things he's done conflicts with my internal morals and values.

So what is more important than your internal morals and values, I mean why are you compromising your beliefs for such a long time? This is what will lead you to incredible amounts of lost self-esteem. If you don't live according to your values you are risking of becoming depressed

[birdgirl]

If you're afraid for your kitties, how come you're not afraid for yourself? If he's breaking stuff, there's a decent chance he'll be hitting you within a few years. Seriously.

 

If he's controlling, he probably doesn't trust you. After all, if HE'S capable of cheating, you must be too. If he almost cheated once, he'll probably almost cheat again, once he finds someone who's old enough.

 

I would run away. Don't walk - run. You'll never change him. I've been there, a couple of times with the same guy. People don't change. Sounds like things are getting worse and worse as time goes on. (I've been keeping up with your posts.)

[Momene]

Please split with him NOW for your safety and sanity.

[arwen]

Kitty, I remember writing you a longer post on one of your previous threads. For your own sake, sanity, health and happiness... break up with him. I doubt the future or a marriage will make him a suitable person. You can't change a person, so if you are not happy with him, and see red flags everywhere, chances are your future will be covered with red flags when you are married to him. Do you want to ignore that gut feeling that things are really not ok? I think there are better things for you, girl.

 

Ilse

[silky88]

throwing and breaking things in the home that you share isn't being "a good boy." it's abuse. there is no reason for getting violent in your home. i agree with the others that if he hasn't hit you yet, he will. believe me. i have been there. it went from breaking picture frames and pulling the phone out of the wall to hitting, bruising and choking me.

 

what he is showing you is that he has no control over his anger or his emotions, and he thinks that terrorizing you with his destruction of property he can get you to do what he wants.

 

controlling your communication (phone calls, computer use, etc.) is a classic precursor to abuse. so is breaking things and flying off the handle at the tiniest percieved offense.

 

please-please-please leave this guy.

 

likely, if you lay down an ultimatum, he'll just become angrier. he won't seek help unless HE wants it. it won't do any good if you force him into it; he'll be going to the anger management classes/therapist/counselor or whatever just to get you to stay, if he goes at all, and will be turning a "deaf ear" so to speak to whatever these professionals have to say. maybe he'll choose to fix himself after you leave him, probably not. but either way, you DO NOT deserve to live in fear.

 

please, just go.

[silky88]

p.s. if you feel like you might have a hard time sticking to leaving this guy, tell your family and friends about his outbursts and the way that he treats you (if you haven't already). not only will they probably also tell you to get away, they''ll likely make sure to remind you of why you left if it looks like you're headed back to him.

 

i know it worked for me... my parents, my dad especially, made sure they reminded me of why i left every time it looked like i was about to soften up again.

[Momene]

I think abusing property IS a bad sign but many people have abused property (including my wife and I) and not gone on to be violent towards their partners or children.

 

You may all be pleased to know that life is a lot clamer now than it was.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I remember one of your posts you've wrote before about the same guy.

Looks like you are getting closer to see him objectively.

 

I can see him practically & objectively (or, as close as possible for someone who's romantically involved with him) but then the dreamer/impractical side of me wants to think maybe despite those horrible character flaws, he really is, or can be, a good guy. Or at least is very genuine about his feelings and wants to be a completely different man.

 

But judging by the amount of posts on this site, I could be terribly wrong about him in the end. I know I'm engaging in some risky behavior by giving him the second chance that I did.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Sorry, I don't like to advise people top split, except as a last resort but reading your original post on this thread, I hope you'll soon change your name to Disengaged Kitty. His behaviour is unacceptable and you can do better.

 

In a practical sense, I realize that. But like I said, the impractical side of me wants to rebel.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Oh wow, Kitty. The stress of living like that is oozing out onto the screen.

 

Before making another move, you may want to take a hard look at your finances and living options. Do you work? Could you make it on your own or with a roomate? Is going back home an option for a while?

 

Have the option of leaving at any time. Maybe you will stay with this guy, maybe you won't - it certainly can't hurt to be prepared and squared away your self in case of an emergency or big decision.

 

 

I do get pretty stressed, yes. Sometimes the internal struggle about whether I've made the right choice or not, and the mental conflict I have with compromising my core values and morals keeps me up all night. Right now I've got no finances to speak of. I'm essentially dependent on him right now and he wants me to become pregnant and stay home and raise our child. I have had a job offer, because the manager of the store lives in this neighborhood and would be able to give me a ride there. I couldn't make it on my own and I couldn't go back home. But please don't get the wrong impression and think I stay because of that. I stay, impractically, because of love. But you're right, I should have the option of leaving at any time. Sometimes I've been so furious with him I just wanted to say the hell with it, grab my stuff, and go. But that hasn't been an option for me at the present time.

[Momene]

In a practical sense, I realize that. But like I said, the impractical side of me wants to rebel.

 

The practical side of you must win. There are many guys out there who are not just capable of being good but actually are good.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

How is it that he shows he cares (other than buying you dinner and trinkets)?

 

He can be pretty romantic. I'm not generally an mushy gushy girl so at times he can be a bit over the top and theatrical about it, or "emo" if you will, a bit embarrassing really, but it is sweet however. He will constantly tell me he loves me, and is always attempting to put his arms around me or hold my hand, he forever talks about how 'sweet' it is when we go to sleep after having sex when I put my head on his shoulder and he puts his arm around me, he will look at me and smile and verbalize how he is happy. He talks about wanting a child and how our wedding will be and how he wants to provide for the family, and how he already considers us a family. He talks about us growing old together. He loves to see me laugh and does everything in his power to make me laugh. If I have a concern (as long as it's nothing to do with him and the things he's done I've described in other posts, blarrgggh) about someone or something he will listen respectfully and will input. He talks about my family becoming his family and vice versa and actually wanted to meet them, and enjoys going to visit people like my elderly aunt and uncle, and grandparents and such.

 

This is, I guess, how he shows that he cares. Is it acceptable or should I be asking for more? He never makes me feel unloved but the things he has done in the past weighs on me heavily. And he thinks I should just drop said things and we should move on with it, let the past be past, and focus on our future of 'happiness'. Good enough idea respectfully, but not so easy to do.

[arwen]

Right now I've got no finances to speak of. I'm essentially dependent on him right now and he wants me to become pregnant and stay home and raise our child. I have had a job offer, because the manager of the store lives in this neighborhood and would be able to give me a ride there. I couldn't make it on my own and I couldn't go back home. But please don't get the wrong impression and think I stay because of that. I stay, impractically, because of love. But you're right, I should have the option of leaving at any time. Sometimes I've been so furious with him I just wanted to say the hell with it, grab my stuff, and go. But that hasn't been an option for me at the present time.

 

Are you hearing what you are saying here? This guy has a tremendous power over you. He wants you to get pregnant and raise a child, while you are THIS dependent on him? Please use protection and don't get pregnant in a relationship with so many lies.

 

You repeatedly say you have a 'rebellious side'. Who exactly are you rebelling against when you stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy?

Ilse

[pregnantkitty_1985]

So what is more important than your internal morals and values, I mean why are you compromising your beliefs for such a long time? This is what will lead you to incredible amounts of lost self-esteem. If you don't live according to your values you are risking of becoming depressed

 

I know, you're right. It's just that ever since those initial f' ups, he's been an extremely good boy, and has been, admittedly, trying his damndest to prove himself to me. At this point in time he would not do anything to compromise the relationship and though I know he's done some horrible shady things, that does show me that he does, at least for now, intend to be in this for the long run, or however long we may last. It does show me that though he's been reckless and so on, his feelings are genuine and maybe that's enough to make a change in a person.

 

As far as my knowledge extends, he has done nothing else to compromise the relationship and has not had even the tiniest bit of opportunity to do so. Doesn't seem interested in wanting to do so, either. Is this a good sign?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

If you're afraid for your kitties, how come you're not afraid for yourself? If he's breaking stuff, there's a decent chance he'll be hitting you within a few years. Seriously.

 

If he's controlling, he probably doesn't trust you. After all, if HE'S capable of cheating, you must be too. If he almost cheated once, he'll probably almost cheat again, once he finds someone who's old enough.

 

I would run away. Don't walk - run. You'll never change him. I've been there, a couple of times with the same guy. People don't change. Sounds like things are getting worse and worse as time goes on. (I've been keeping up with your posts.)

 

I don't think he'd hit me... to be honest, I slapped him in the face (I'm not generally an abusive person, but I snapped) during one of our horrible fights, more to calm him down than to hurt him... not sure why I thought it would work, but... *shrug*.. and he didn't lay a hand on me.

 

I definitely agree with the second part of your post, I've said as much myself to my friends. I said basically, 'someone with a cheating mentality accuses others of doing such things because they themselves can conceive of it quite easily."

 

I don't know if things are getting worse, well the raging is, but it's never where he gets verbally abusive or tries to put me down. It seems more like built up frustration and anxiety and stress and he snaps. We've talked about him getting anger management and/or counseling.