I got rejected, but.. (Need answers from ladies mostly!)

[Q10]

Hey everyone, for the people who read my threads, I asked a girl on a date whom I thought (with everyone else) was interested in me. (Thread here: ) She said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone and assured me that she means it with anyone. Then again I told her it wouldn't be a problem and it wouldn't effect our relationship as friends. But then, these days, we started hanging out more and more. Last week I was going to a night club for my birthday and she messaged me saying happy birthday, I told her thanks and told her she should join me. So she told me she was planning on going somewhere with her friends and that they'd join me. So they did and we went to a friends house and then the night club. During the night, her friends got bored and left but she stayed with me and we danced together till the club closed. ((Question #1) I didn't try to kiss her when I walked her to the taxi, was that a mistake?) And then this weekend, she came to my house for my birthday party, we took really nice pictures together, just the two of us and they slept over with a couple of friends. I gave her my bed and I slept at my parents bedroom.

 

I talked with a friend about this and he told me girls sometimes don't say yes in the first try and that I'd have to try and try again? I didn't do this because I don't want to make her feel pressured and scare her away. He was telling me girls like men who know what they want and go after it.. What are your opinions on this one?

 

So my questions would be

1) What do you think about me not trying to kiss her that night? I thought I was being a gentleman..

 

2) What are your opinions on this?

 

3) What should I do?

[NKP]

Yes you were being a gentleman, if you kissed her your friendship could be over because, she told you that she doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now.

 

She does sould like you could be interested but she doesnt want a relationship right now, so just wait until she is ready

[confused25]

If a girl tells you that she's not ready to be in a relationship, then that means that she's not ready. I think you did the right thing by not trying to kiss her, because that might cause some awkwardness if she does think of you as a friend. I would say maintain the "friend" status with her and see what happens . . .

[Grokker]

Ok, I'm a guy... but here's what I've found.

 

When a girl says she's "not ready for a relationship right now".... she is, in fact, trying to tell you in a nice way that she isn't interested in a relationship with you.

 

Think about it. Why would a girl tell you she is not ready for a relationship, when she has just picked up from you that you are romantically interested in her?

 

Only three possible reasons

1) She is in a relationship with someone else.

2) She is interested in having a relationship with someone else.

3) She is so heavily involved with something in her life... sports, socializing with friends, studies, career... that she wants to commit all her time to it. AND, she doesn't want to take time away from it to be your girlfriend.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, mate. It happened to me with the very first girl I had a crush on, way back in high school, and who I told about it. She said she was "not interested in a relationship right now"... and maybe three weeks later, bang, she was in a relationship with another guy I knew!

 

I would wait maybe six weeks and give it ONE more try, if you really want to. If that doesn't work, time to let go. She isn't going to feel that much more "over-pressured" than right now if you try ONCE more... but more than that, could ruin any chances of a friendship with her.

 

The girl who said this to me all those years ago, eventually married the other guy she got together with. 16 years later, I'm still good friends with both of them. Don't sweat over it, these things have a way of working out for the best.

[Q10]

Yes Grokker, I thought about that too, actually that's what I was thinking at first. She told me she meant it by heart but I still thought "she's just not interested to be with *me*". It's just these last days that messed with my head a little because maybe I can't figure out if she's being friendly (by coming to the night club with me on my birthday) or just trying to know me.

 

I was expecting her to be with someone else, I was thinking the same as you, that I'll see her going out with someone else, in fact, she's going to the movies with other guys right now and she has been like that for a while, which means if she wanted a relationship, she'd be in one right now. It's been like a month I asked her out on a date and didn't ask her again, just played it cool.

 

"Why would a girl tell you she is not ready for a relationship" - My answer to that is in my first thread, she told me her last relationship ended by getting her heart broken and she told me she's just not ready to take another chance just yet..

[Grokker]

You know, I "got rejected" tonight myself.

 

Yup. Just now. Here's how it happened:

 

I met this girl last Wednesday at a work party. We hung out together almost the whole evening, I really liked her, and I got the feeling she was interested in me too.

 

Now I have this problem. I'm kind of like a Super-Hero in reverse. When I get thinking about the possibility of a relationship with a girl, my secret identity "Relationship Grokker" comes out. And there ain't nothing super-heroic about him.

 

"Independent Grokker", who I am normally, is an intelligent and articulate 34-year-old. He acts his age and runs a fairly successful animation production company in New York City.

 

"Relationship Grokker", though, is a complete spaz and a blithering idiot, with the EQ of a hormonally frazzled 15-year-old. He has no clue. But unfortunately, when it comes to relationships with women, he's the one who takes over and makes all the decisions.

 

What's worse, once he comes out, Independent Grokker has to carry Relationship Grokker around on his back all day, like a 6'3", 200 pound, very very Special Twin Brother. He won't let Independent Grokker function easily, yelling in his ear all the time, drooling on his collar, kicking him and slamming fists against his shoulders. He keeps blathering on about some girl as if she's the most beautiful, desirable, loving, perfect person in the universe. He's always insisting that without her, Independent Grokker's life might as well be over.

 

There's no telling when he'll go away. Independent Grokker smiles and puts up with him, because isn't this what being in love is supposed to be about?

 

So anyway. Relationship Grokker has heard that you can't seem too eager, you have to play it cool. So he waits four days (like he read somewhere) before calling the girl he met at the party to ask her out. The girl mentioned that she was crazy about animation... so Relationship Grokker is really clever and decides to ask her to the opening of this new animated movie next week.

 

Thursday, Friday, Saturday... Sunday afternoon, Relationship Grokker reaches for the phone and gives this girl a call. His meters are on High Sensitivity. Scanning for everything, the tone of voice, the willingness to laugh, any indication that this is going well.

 

First there is the "Hi". There are so many kinds that Relationship Grokker knows to watch for:

 

A) The big, warm, sultry "Hi". If she uses this, things couldn't be better, she knows how you feel and is excited about it, she is continuing the flirtation from last time!

 

B) The happy, surprised "Hi". From a sweet, sincere girl who is glad to hear from you, but more than that, surprised that you're still interested enough to call her after four days.

 

C)The startled, curious "Hi". This is the beginning of what could be the bad-news range. More than anything else she is puzzled about why you would be calling her on a Sunday afternoon?

 

D) The cold, bored "Hi". This one makes Relationship Grokker hang up and settle on the floor in a quivering mass.

 

The one I got on Sunday was somewhere between B and C. Not the greatest, but it could be worse. And she did say sure, she'd go to the movie with me next Friday.

 

Relationship Grokker records the conversation in his head and keeps playing it over and over again. Did she seem happy that I asked her out? Was she being warm, or just friendly, or just polite? And what, oh what could I have said to seem more witty and charming and exactly the right person to go to a movie with next Friday?

 

And then tonight, Tuesday night, I check my email and there's one from her.

 

How am I doing? She wants to let me know she can't go because (...convincing sounding work reason.) She hopes I'm having a good Halloween. Friendly, brief, and polite. But she isn't going out with me.

 

Now I want to ask you, Q10, is that a "rejection"?

 

Relationship Grokker is thinking about it and thinking about it. He sent a lump into my throat when he read the sentence about how she couldn't go. Damn! All those fond hopes of putting his arm around her, just maybe stealing a kiss, the excitement, the thrill of the chase, possibly an end to loneliness and a loving partner for a long time. All gone forever!

 

Independent Grokker, though, says what the hell. I hardly even know her. Maybe she really does have to work on Friday, and she'll get back to me another time. And if she doesn't... if she is really just trying to get out of going out with me... you know what, she emailed herself out of a fun evening with a great guy. What did I lose?

 

So tell me, Q10... which one of these guys is right?

 

Maybe you can see what this means in your situation. You said:

 

"Why would a girl tell you she is not ready for a relationship" - My answer to that is in my first thread, she told me her last relationship ended by getting her heart broken and she told me she's just not ready to take another chance just yet..

 

Now have "Independent Q10" think about this for a sec.

 

Yes, that is the reason she gave you. Is that really why she's saying it?

 

Maybe she really is afraid of falling totally in love with you because of her last experience, and she doesn't want to put herself in a position where she might lose control of her feelings like that. But... you and she haven't even begun a relationship, you're still at the point where kissing her would be a big deal. Do you think it's likely that she feels afraid of losing emotional control with you at this stage?

 

The answer is, it doesn't matter. All that matters is you, dude. If it has been nearly a month since you last asked her out, I would wait another two weeks and ask her one more time.

 

Now don't spend those two weeks imagining every second how wonderful it would be if she says yes to you. It may not be that great when it really happens. Don't spend them fearing that your life will be over if she says no, either. It won't. Don't let "Relationship Q10" run your life! He can be a fun guy to hang out with, he paints exciting pictures of a rosy future with this perfect girl on your arm... but he can be full of sh*t as well.

 

And when you ask her again, be ready... INSIDE YOURSELF... for anything. (We're the Men, we are the ones who must make the approach, and 10,000 years of evolution say we've got to be ready for anything... who can argue with sabre-toothed tigers ?) Be "Independent Q10" when you ask her out again!

 

Don't rip your heart out and hold it out to her pumping blood. Don't wear it on your sleeve. Keep it firmly inside your rib cage where it belongs. If she says yes, SHE has made a good decision. If she says no... it's not a rejection of you, it's HER failing to appreciate you as a partner in a relationship, and after two chances she doesn't really deserve another one.

[doyathink]

Q...this is what I think. She has been really hurt...her head it telling her do not start another relationship but her heart is telling her she wants to be loved again. She is now faced with inner turmoil and confusion has set in.

 

She must like you, her actions are saying so...however, she doesn't feel safe yet. Keep her at a close distance for a while, couple weeks or even a month...show her you are a compassionate guy so you can build up her trust.

 

Ease into this slowly as to not rush her and send her running in the opposite direction and always try to build her trust when you are together.

[Momene]

Let her make the move. If she does feel ready she'll let you know. Friendzoning may not be permanent.