yet another stupid mistake

[sixpounder]

Im still a bit confused myself, but im pretty sure i can explain how i'm feeling. One or two nights ago my girlfriend and i were having a normal conversation, then she brought up her sister breaking up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her. This happened about a week ago. Anyways, my girl caught her sister talking to her ex on the phone. She started yelling at her sister; saying "you shouldnt be talking to him!!" and whatnot. Funny thing is that, ironicly my girlfriends ex cheated on her and she talks to him whenever she sees him. Does this sound fair to me at all?

 

We also talked about her going to the bar, i told her how upset it made me; she decided not to go to the bar ever again, also decided she would never drink again. It sounds like such a relief that shes not gonna go to that wretched place again. But now i feel guilty that she feels that shes not going to go out and have fun anymore. I was so uncomfortable about her going to the bar mostly because she always talked to her ex there, hes so pathetic; hes there everyweekend. I swear if i met that guy in an ally i'd probobly beat the fck outa him. anyways question is: should i reconsider talking to her about going to the bar. i cant help but get jelous about thinking about her dancing with other guys >,

 

sorry its long, by far my longest to date... thanks in advance!

[Daligal83]

If she's not going anymore because she doesn't want to anymore, then it's fine. But if she's only stopping because it's what you want, then let her do her own thing. You should trust her to behave when she's out with her friends. If she stops going just for you, I can see that turning into resentment which would really hurt your relationship.

[vermilion]

I think if you keep trying to control her, you're going to push her away.

 

I think it comes down to you feeling insecure, and that's the real problem.

[sixpounder]

i didnt tell her she should stop drinking, i didnt even tell her to stop going to the bar; she thought it would be best for us. when i told her how it was affecting me she realized that it was really hurting me. its just that everytime she came back from the bar somebody ended up being upset, be it me or her. its normal to be a little jelous thinking about her dancing with other guys isnt it?

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

its normal to be a little jelous thinking about her dancing with other guys isnt it?

 

Why would you be jealous of that? I never understood that way of thinking. I'm perfectly ok with guys asking the woman I'm with to dance, it's not a challenge to you, it's a compliment. End of the night she comes home with you (or to you if you don't go), right? If she talks to people or dances with them it doesn't necessarily follow that she's going to do anything with them. Any relationship should be able to withstand someone dancing and enjoying themselves, it doesn't means she's going to dump you. You should trust her ability to fend off guys. Women get hit on everywhere, so unless you're going to drive yourself crazy worrying about her talking to guys at school or work or the bus stop or on the street or where ever, just drop the insecure thing. Nothing smells worse to a woman than the stink of insecurity.

 

And are you sure that she isn't saying no to the guys who ask her to dance?

[ultraviolet]

From everything you've said, it sounds like your gf stopped going to the bar because she thought it was the best for both of you. I can understand why you'd feel guilty, but if she made the choice of her own volition, there's no need to feel guilt. If you want to talk about it again just to let her know the full extent of your feelings, I don't see the harm in it. But it might be more useful and amusing to ask her how you could make things more fun for her now that she has a little more free time on her hands.

 

As for her hypocrisy regarding her advice to her sister, when the topic comes up again instead of pointing out her hypocrisy, I'd say something empathetic to her like "It must be difficult watching your sister get hurt." Think of it like this: When she yells at her sister, she's really yelling at herself for all the times she caved, went to the bar, and let the Ex upset her. This isn't about "fairness", but about her own confusion and pain.

[confused25]

You can't tell her where she can and cannot go. She should be willing to not go to the bars becaused she feels guilty. Maybe you guys can make some compromises on this. And do you know for sure that she dances with guys while she's there? Or are you just assuming? When I go out with just my girlfriends to the bars or clubs, we dance by ourselves and not with other guys.

[sixpounder]

i know for a fact she dances with other guys, because she's told me. and ive asked all my friends if that would bother them and they all replied with the same answer. why wouldnt it make me jelous... im 17, every little thing bothers me