Doubts, doubts, DOUBTS!!!

[Girl_2]

I have searched and searched for help and answers to my problem. It is driving me crazy.

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We met while we were young. My problem is I constantly have doubts about us and am scared of any commitments. I do go thru with commitments, because I can never make a decision, so I keep going on with life.

I do love him, I'm just not sure if I like him. We have fun together, and generally life is fun. But there are just constant reminders of how we are different, and things that I don't like about him, times where I get embarrassed by him, and constant dreams of different lovers and a different life.

Then there's another layer to the complex problem. I think I love someone who is already taken and committed to someone else. I know this person loved me in the past, but I feel that I just have to swallow my feelings as it is the right thing to do. I can't go and ruin someone else's marriage. Then again I wonder if this person would have commited to this other person if he knew how I felt about him. I still want him to know how I feel, but this is SO selfish, and then again I doubt these feelings too.

Then I wonder if I'm just fantasizing, and whether I am being stupid to think that I could be with this person. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and choose him from the beginning. Sometimes I think that he is everything that I've ever wanted.

Then, I'll have a really good day with my partner, and I'll think "I love him so much. How could I even think of leaving?"

I feel I need to be by myself and work out all the stuff in my head. But I just don't know if I could put him through all that pain, and would probably be back again in a coule of days. I just care for him so much.

I feel like an awful, selfish person who doesn't deserve to have someone so dedicated to me.

[someguy69]

Everyone has doubts, but the fact that you have been together for ten years is already quite a commitment. If you don't know by now whether you "like" your partner, then you will never know. To waste ten years of your life "not knowing", is pretty sad... but to waste ten years of someone else's life is just plain horrible.

 

Does your partner know how you feel? Maybe you two need some professional relationship counselling.

[Girl_2]

Thanks for making me feel worse. I haven't "wasted" 10 years of his life. Yes, he does know how I feel, I have recently told him and we are trying to work things out. I don't think counselling would help much. I've already searched for so much help.

This is why it's getting so crucial now, we are getting older and now is the time to start planning for the future. The reason it's worrying me even more now than ever before is because I want what's right for him aswell. I know he loves me with all his heart, and I love him too. I think that maybe somehow I can make the doubts go away and we can be happy. I thought maybe telling him the problem would help. I am trying to find a solution to the problem. If I didn't care about him so much then it wouldn't be much of an issue, but it is.

Plus, ten years together is a long time from when we were young, and we are not the same people we were back when we were 18. We have changed. I'm saying I'm not sure if I like who he has turned into.

[HellFrost666]

Ok, after ten years with this person you fear comitment???

 

Listen to yourself...

 

Maybe you just grew out of each other. It is pretty common when people start there relationship at a very young age.

[caro33]

I was in a relationship that was much like this, so I understand the fear of commitment issue even after 10 years. We were together from me being 19 to 29. When it's been that long, and you started that young, it's completely understandable that you have mixed feelings but can't see yourself leaving. They become 'family' after a while.

 

Sorry Girl_2, I can't offer any sage advice, you see for me it was my guy that had the doubts. He ended up taking off one day, out of the blue, and we never spoke again, except for when he came to pick up his stuff. I was HEARTBROKEN. But you know, I am eternally grateful he ended it, because we were not really suited to a full and happy future together, and I NEVER would have left him. I just didn't have it in me, I was too dependent, too scared of the alternatives and the unknown. And I did love him, even if we weren't really suited and he bugged me sometimes!

 

You sound like you are dealing with something many people deal with as they hit their late 20s, early 30s and they've been with someone for a decade or so. It has happened to every friend I have had who was in a long term relationship - every single relationship, actually bar one, has ended because they just weren't compatible in that 'next stage of life' way. It happens. Be strong and do what you need to do. It does sound like you need to move on. If you do, believe me, what may be hard now will pay back 1000 fold in the future happiness that you will have with someone else, as well as the future happiness of your current boyfriend.

 

Won't comment on the issue with the other person, except to ask: how sure are you that this crush isn't just something you are focussing on to justify your complex feelings for your boyfriend? Is that possible?

[DN]

To be fair to your boyfriend, I think you should let him go.

 

I wouldn't say you have let him waste ten years but it is true that those are years he could have spent with someone who loved him fully and was prepared to be committed to him without being embarrassed by him or who has fantasys aboutb eing with someone else. It seems all he has done wrong is love a woman who is not the right one for him.

[Batya33]

I don't think the thoughts of other men or the doubts necesarily mean she is not fully committed to him - from what I have read she has been faithful and loyal to him - I am sure many married people are tempted at various times - that is one of the reasons there are marriage vows -if there were no temptations there would be no need for vows. I think it is impressive that she is being honest with him and herself that she has doubts -- I know of several couples who have gotten married because it was the thing to do at that time and ignored their doubts.

[Girl_2]

Thankyou. Batya33, it makes me feel like an awful person because I don't want to be unfaithful in my relationship, but I feel I am doing so emotionally. I'm wondering if this is normal and I should just do the right thing and be with the person that I've built a life with, or whether I should listen to my crazy thoughts. What makes it all the harder is I have nothing else to compare it to. What if I leave and I regret it and this is the best thing for me? What if I'm just a person that chases the unreal; what if I do leave and I feel the same in other relationships? What if I leave then realize I was being stupid & selfish, but then it's too late?

As for 'the other guy' I keep trying to push him out of my head, but he keeps coming back. People that look like him on tv or down the street will instantly make me think of him. I constantly have dreams about him. He's just a really, really nice & friendly guy.

Maybe I'm just looking at him because he has alot of the qualities that I admire in a person. He's taken, so maybe I just need a person that is like him. His personality type.. maybe that would be a better match for me.

I asked someone else once about what they thought of me & my partner & the response was "you're just so different."

See, I don't know if it's my own selfishness that makes me have doubts, or whether there are real issues there to make the doubts legitimate.

[caro33]

I know this sounds simplistic, but the fact that you have serious doubts, and only you knows how serious they are, is probably all the evidence you need that you might need to stop and take stock, perhaps leading to ending your current relationship.

 

Maybe it's not all absolute, perhaps you just express your need for some time to evaluate things, and then take that time. You don't need to break up, but perhaps you do need some space. That might hurt your boyfriend to hear, but you are not doing him or yourself any favours if you downplay your own concerns and then find out you can't live like that anyway. You can manage this with dignity and integrity and make the right decision without having to take a giant leap into the unknown just yet.

 

I don't think that what you're describing sounds like selfishness at all. It's just life and if it's how you feel it's perfectly valid. It's much braver to face these things head on and deal with them than to suppress your needs (as I always did). There might be short term pain as you both readjust to new arrangements but there's always a way to mend any hurt feelings as long as you stay civil and kind to one another.

[Girl_2]

your words are so helpful caro33.. thankyou. I do just keep surpressing doubts, until they re-emerge, then I think about them seriously, after all they're there, but then I surpress them again. I do think it's unhealthy and I'm driving myself a bit crazy with it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember my dreams, it would probably make life easier. I wish I could believe in myself and my instincts, but I just don't have that much confidence in myself to choose & do what is the right thing. All my other dreams seem to be right on the mark.. but then I think, maybe because I've created these doubts, the dreams are a product of that?

Oh, & it is so much braver to face these things too. It took a long time for me to actually tell him, and I was no brave person whilst doing so. Of course he was upset and angry, but now I've put him in a place of uncertainty too. I have a hard time talking about my feelings, I grew up in a family where we never talked about that kind of stuff.

The doubts have been there for a long time, and I think I'm coming to a realization that they're never going to go away. Can I live like this? Yes, I could, I have done, but it's not the most ideal way to live. I am generally happy, though sometimes I am happier when he is away, or when I am away.

Thankyou also for telling me I'm not selfish. I still feel it! But thankyou anyway

[caro33]

Sweetheart you are welcome, and don't beat yourself up about this. It really doesn't sound selfish. Selfish would be doing whatever you wanted even if it meant treading all over the needs and feelings of others.

 

You know, it COULD be said that it would be selfish to keep him with you, and you with him, when neither his nor your best interests actually lie in this relationship. It's 'selfish' because you are letting your fearful side dictate what's 'right' for everyone else (ie your other needs, your boyfriend).

 

Is there anyone who you can talk to about this face-to-face who has either been through it, or has stuck it out through a long term relationship? Perhaps they can help shed light.

 

I keep raising my own experience with my husband in other threads and feel like a smug narcissist for doing so, but here goes. My husband (very recently married) also had a 10 year relationship before me, and he got married. He had real doubts, and did the Australian man thing and never shared his feelings with anyone. He did as Batya suggested some people do, and got married because it seemed like the right thing to do, and he didn't know who else would be out there instead of her. He had no idea if his doubts were 'enough' to not go through with it, and he suppressed his needs. Needless to say, it ended, and it ended not long after the wedding. You can't ignore this stuff. And going through a divorce is no picnic. I feel really sorry for his then-wife, because it must have been hard for her, and I know he also suffered terribly.

 

And as I posted before, I went through this too.

 

Here's the smug part: now he and I are so happy, and each of us much much better off than when we were with our exes. Our exes are much much happier with their lives too. Give it some time, things will be clearer. You are doing the right thing. Perhaps just try and stay away from the other guy for a little while to give yourself a break on that front too though.

[caro33]

By the way by us being 'better off' I am not implying any failing on the exes' behalf. It's just a matter of aligned life values, chemistry, all that stuff, working better for all involved.

[Girl_2]

You are from Australia too hey?!

I hardly ever see the other guy, it does nothing to elieviate (spelling??) my feelings for him. I had to watch him get married last year. You could say it was a painful experience. Which, again made me feel so selfish, as I should've been happy for the couple.

What's hard is that if I finally do do something about my doubts there's inevitable suffering to be had on both sides. I can deal with it myself, but I just don't want to put my partner through that. I know if it is the right thing to do, then in the long run it'll be better, but it's just so hard to hurt someone you love.

 

I could go on and list all our similarities & differences, but I don't think that gets me anywhere, just more confused. As I read in a book, this list is always changing, and the scales are tilting from one side to the other, making the decision even harder. One day it's this way, the next day it's that way. The main point I think is, or I feel is, that fundamentally there are some big differences.

I really value your input caro33, as all I have been searching for is people who have been in an long term relationship with feelings of doubt. There may be one person I could possibly talk to about this but the problem is I don't trust her to keep her mouth shut. She has been in a long term relationship too, same as me (started from very young). Maybe I should talk to her, but I would feel so awful, like I am telling our relationship secrets and problems to other people, when I know my partner would be mortified to know that other people know.

How long did your husband have feelings of doubt for in his other relationship?

[Girl_2]

Just found this...

This explains exactly what I fear may be happening:

 

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true.

In other words, people do not react only to the situations they are in, but also, and often primarily, to the way they perceive the situations and to the meaning they assign to these situations. thereforeeee, their behavior is determined in part by their perception and the meaning they ascribe to the situations they are in, rather than by the situations themselves. Once a person convinces themselves that a situation really has a certain meaning, regardless of whether it actually does, they will take very real actions in consequence.

[caro33]

Yeah I understand the self-fulfulling prophecy issue. I guess I'm trying to simplify this and say that the PERCEPTION of a problem is itself the problem. The fact is, you are feeling this, which already tells you there are things you need to need to sort out and be clearer about to move forward. You don't have to be clear about them right now, but recognising you need to take stock is required. You have done this.

 

Don't try to push for an outcome if you are not ready. Take that time away from the boyfriend and see how you feel after a month or so. I know this sounds hard, and it is, but in a way you are making what might be the most important relationship decision you've made so far. Really, if things just went along, would you be looking to get married soon? Is that the 'logical' next step if things are good? Children? Think about the ramifications of doing all that than waking up a year later and thinking 'damn, I should have listened to myself earlier, this is all wrong for me'.

 

It must be awful to feel like you're hurting the one you love, but the smaller hurt now seems a much better deal for him than the potential much larger hurt later...Take some time, get some distance, see if you miss him, how much, and why. That's much more fundamental and easy to assess than 'how much does he annoy me today', or trying to tally his good characteristics against his bad ones and see what wins out.

 

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

 

I think my husband had feelings of doubt for a while with his ex, but this was 8 years ago or so, and he's not the best at getting into the timelines of emotions. He just went with the flow and pushed it all down.

 

Re speaking to people, is there an independent third party who could help you then? A counsellor? I'm thinking that having someone take you through your thought processes might help unpick this for you and also give you some confidence that you're not 'wrong' or 'selfish', you're just going through the normal re-evaluation processes people have after 10 years. I assume you're approaching 30?

 

Yes, I'm in Melbourne.

[Girl_2]

I guess whether I've made the problems up (prophecy thing) or whether they are real, as you say, they are still there, and that is a problem. That's a very clarifying thought.

I have been thinking that I do need some time & space, I just get scared because if I go and work out that I want to stay there is a real possibility that he wont take make back.

Yes, approaching 30 and feel that I will soon want to have kids and settle in for the long haul, but it freaks me out when I think about doing this. At other times though it seems perfectly natural.

I have the "perfect" life. I have a job that I love doing, but it has erratic pay so my partner really supports me and lets me keep doing this job without a part time job to back me up. We live a comfortable life, we have fun...

I guess I need to talk more about it with him, tell him my fears.. it's just so hard to turn a happy day into a crap one talking about heavy stuff like this. That sounds so weak, and I'd think if I were an onlooker "just bloody do it" but when you're actually in the situation it's not so easy..

[caro33]

Completely understandable, we all hate turning heavy in relationships when we're not sure and the day's been nice, and I think that fear of ruining something just makes the whole process that much more difficult, gets the cycle going even more of of 'no! what's wrong with me, it's FINE' to 'oh god I can't do this' and back again. So much pressure and you can't share how you feel with the one person you need to! I can recognise this must be really hard for you, but kudos again to you for being strong.

 

You do seem to have a gut feel about this, that it needs to be addressed, because you came here, and because you've already talked about this with him. This would tend to show it's something, not just you being silly. Trust it.

 

If he's that great, if he's worthy of you and he's truly Mr Future Life Partner of Girl_2, and if you treat him with honesty, compassion and respect, he will not leave you. He might be hurt, but he won't just turn tail and go. If he DOES you have your answer anyway now don't you? Keep being kind to him and I think he'll stick by you until you're ready to make a decision. Perhaps don't share the stuff about the other guy, I assume you haven't? This is just about you and him.

 

Good luck, and PM me anytime if it would help.

[DN]

I have the "perfect" life. I have a job that I love doing, but it has erratic pay so my partner really supports me and lets me keep doing this job without a part time job to back me up. We live a comfortable life,

You know that this is not a good reason to stay with someone of course.

 

I m concerned about your happiness but also about his and his seems to be being sidelined to a large extent. This is not just about how you are impacted by your decision but how he is as well.

 

The bottom line is that you both deserve to be with someone who you love and who loves you. And it seems your love for him is not enough to sustain the relationship. He should be given the chance to find someone who wants him for who he is and wants what is best for him - not just someone who is perhaps only staying for entirely the wrong reasons.

 

If he's that great, if he's worthy of you and he's truly Mr Future Life Partner of Girl_2, and if you treat him with honesty, compassion and respect, he will not leave you. He might be hurt, but he won't just turn tail and go. If he DOES you have your answer anyway now don't you? Keep being kind to him and I think he'll stick by you until you're ready to make a decision. Perhaps don't share the stuff about the other guy, I assume you haven't? This is just about you and him.

I respectfully disagree. I think he has the right to walk away without being thought unworthy if he feels his love is not returned in full measure or that he runs the risk of his heart being broken. Few people would like to live their life waiting for someone to make a profound decision like that and be powerless to do anything except wait. He should not be found w anting as human being for deciding he has a say in his future.

 

And of course he should be told about the other guy - he deserves nothing less than honesty.

[caro33]

I respectfully disagree. I think he has the right to walk away without being thought unworthy if he feels his love is not returned in full measure or that he runs the risk of his heart being broken. Few people would like to live their life waiting for someone to make a profound decision like that and be powerless to do anything except wait. He should not be found w anting as human being for deciding he has a say in his future.

 

And of course he should be told about the other guy - he deserves nothing less than honesty.

 

DN he certainly does have the right to walk away and that doesn't make him unworthy, and it also wouldn't be fair to expect him to wait forever. But we weren't really talking about that, not really. There's only so much you can communicate through this medium and I'm waffly enough as it is!

 

The real point I was making was that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. And you know, if I was having doubts, and expressed that kindly and respectfully to my partner, and in theory we were in it for the long haul, I would like to think that he would support me and would try and help me, and us, find a way through rather than just pick up and leave immediately. If he was so committed he would not do that (just up and leave, that is). This is also assuming I was gentle and considerate in my dealing with him on this issue.

 

And yes, this awful period of uncertainty would need to be within a mutually agreeable, reasonable timeframe. I'm not talking about him hanging around forever, being disrespected or cuckolded, and I don't think that's what Girl_2 was saying either.

 

The issue of the other guy I disagree with. She's done nothing with the other guy, I think her thoughts of him are probably more a symptom of the underlying issue, not the cause. I fully support honesty, and have said so, but honesty can be something like 'I have been thinking I might not be able to settle down with just you right now', not 'I have been fantasising about X'. No need to hurt her boyfriend more for the sake of honesty at all costs. He'll go comparing himself to the other person and feel insecure about himself. What purpose would it serve? He just needs to know what she's experiencing right now, which is doubt about their future together, perhaps the desire to see other people. Surely that's confronting enough as it is? (If there was active cheating that's a completely different situation, but it's not the picture the OP has painted.)

[Batya33]

Thank you caro for your comment about the other guy. I could not agree more. How unnecesarily hurtful to tell him about fantasies. Also, my guess is telling him would help her (in the sense of unburdening her guilt) way more than her or them.

[caro33]

Also, my guess is telling him would help her (in the sense of unburdening her guilt) way more than her or them.

 

Absolutely. This might make her (or anyone in that position) feel momentarily better but I can't see any other benefit. Lots of emotional costs though.

[DN]

He should have the right to make a decision to stay or to go and that decision should be based on the facts - all of the facts, including this fact:

I think I love someone who is already taken and committed to someone else. I know this person loved me in the past, but I feel that I just have to swallow my feelings as it is the right thing to do. I can't go and ruin someone else's marriage. Then again I wonder if this person would have committed to this other person if he knew how I felt about him. I still want him to know how I feel, but this is SO selfish, and then again I doubt these feelings too.

Then I wonder if I'm just fantasizing, and whether I am being stupid to think that I could be with this person. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and choose him from the beginning. Sometimes I think that he is everything that I've ever wanted.

 

I would certainly want to know if someone I was contemplating spending the rest of my life with thought she loved someone else and that he was all she ever wanted. Those are strong feelings and emotions about another man and would certainly highly influence the decision.

 

Let's be fair to him - he is not just someone who can be picked up and put down on a whim - he has the right to be with someone who wants only him and who loves only him. All of you posting here would surely want that from your partner and he deserves that as well.

[Batya33]

What I think is that he has a right to know that she is not sure about their future - to share the gory details (when nothing has happened between her and the other guy) will be unnecesarily hurtful and give him far more nightmares. If he asks specifically if she is interested in someone else, that might be a different issue.

[chocolady]

If it's any consolation, I have been you and have felt the same as you do. I made my decision and stuck with my man, once I made the decision that it as just thoughts and 'dreams', that I really did love my man, could never imagine my life without him by my side and that I really did love him, everything else just slipped into place and we were together for 24 fantastic years, not one of which I regretted.

 

Make a decision from the heart and once you have made it, stick to it and lay this to rest once and for all.

[Girl_2]

I m concerned about your happiness but also about his and his seems to be being sidelined to a large extent. This is not just about how you are impacted by your decision but how he is as well.

 

I am not sidelining his happiness, but rather thinking of it constantly. If I didn't give a stuff about him it would be easy for me to take the time I need to sort my stuff out. What I am thinking about is if I'm generally happy then why leave and I have been trying to work out my head for a long time without telling him about it, hoping that I could come to a decision without causing him any hurt. When it became apparent that I couldn't do this I took the next step by telling him hoping that would provide some clarification. It seems this also hasn't worked so now I am thinking about the next step. Of course he deserves someone who loves him fully, and that is what I want for him. If I were able to make the decision wholeheartedly then that would be great for both of us. It is what I've been trying to do for both our sakes.

 

It's also utterly pointless me hurting him by telling him about the other guy. He's not available anyway, and things would be so complicated even if he was available because of our circle of friends that it probably wouldn't work out even if I was single. I do think about him, I can't help it but it's never going to go anywhere, I think maybe I just look at him as a model of what would be a good match for me.

So, I don't know for sure if my feelings for him are real, or if I am just focusing on him because of my problems as caro33 says.

I heard a saying once "Once you let the cat out of the bag, it's impossible to get it back in." And this cat ain't goin nowhere!

 

Of course he has the right to walk away if I decide I need some space. I would put a time limit on it.. I have the timeframe of 6 months in my head. I have already thought that if I go ahead with it that I'd say to him that he doesn't have to live by any rules.. I don't control him. I would not be with anyone in this time frame, but I couldn't dictate to him what he could do. They'd just be my rules for myself. Plus if he decides while I'm gone that he doesn't want me back, then that would be his decision and I feel (because I know him so well and how he reacts to things) that there is a high possibility that he wont take me back. He can be very ideal about things, and this wouldn't fit into his ideal world.

 

I have tried making a decision and sticking to it, but gradually the feelings and thoughts return. I wish it were that simple as saying "Ok, that's it, I'm staying." And all the problems would go away.