Breaking NC if the dumpee is 'wrong'

[shikashika]

I use the term 'wrong' very loosely.

 

For those of us who have been dumped... it seems the standard textbook response is to 'go NC and this will help you heal YOURSELF'

 

Yes I know that...

 

(Cheating situations aside...)

 

However, we still did SOMETHING to contribute towards our breakup. Even if we were unfairly dumped ( from our point of view) or our ex behaved like an immature prat... it was something we did, whether intentional.

 

In some situations, it is out of our control...

 

But many times we need to take a look at ourselves and think.."hmnnn.. maybe I did do something to deserve this... maybe I did behave in a way thats inappropriate... even if for example, we said something that our ex took offence to (and maybe someone else would find it hilarious) we still did something to offend them.

 

I think far too often, we are told to forget about it and move on without stopping to think that perhaps we did do something wrong.

 

As a dumpee, maybe we need to swallow our pride and realise, "hey.. I did something to upset my ex... or I didn't give them what I they need... or maybe I wasn't always there for them'

 

I know after I was dumped, I thought 'but i didn't do anything wrong....but I really cared about him!"

 

Do you think there are some situations ( and I'm still not talking about lying, cheating stealing) where maybe the dumpee has to bite the bullet and break NC?

 

I don't think its always up to the dumper....

 

what do you think?

[Dako]

Break NC to do what?

Ask for a recitation of offenses?

 

I almost agreed with this sort of self-criticism until I realized the breakup had changed me so much it didin't matter what I did or didn't, shoulda woulda. She and I are different now, and any future partner will have entirely fresh bones to pick.

[shikashika]

Break NC to do what?

Ask for a recitation of offenses?

 

depends on the situation...

 

I don't think begging nd pleading should ever be used..

 

BUT, what if the dumpee made the dumper feel stupid, or uncomfortable or whatever..

 

Maybe they had a reason to dump us.. and why would they contact us if they believed it.. andif the dumpee says to them 'hey I realised I have been selfish or careless... sorry about that' ( or whatever reason).

 

i know if I feel someone, did something to me that caused me to get mad at them or 'dump' them... I'm not doing it because I'm confused, or hurt or insecure or 'its not them its me'... I don't want them because they ahve done something that I don't want in my life...or not given me what I need... and sometimes its not just an incompatiblity issue... its something that is uncalled for or unreasonable.

 

and if that person said, " hey I was being unreasonable' I would maybe consider accepting them back in my life..

[betrayedgirl]

Well, as a dumpee, I am not breaking NC. He dumped me for really selfish reasons, and I did not like how he dumped me.

 

It does depend on the situation, though.

 

NC is helping me heal.

[Dako]

Shika,

 

Sounds like a dumpee's standard reconciliation fantasy with a bit of spin.

[friscodj]

I have been following your posts and I think you are strategizing and misthinking this whole situation way too much.

 

For you, from what I know of your situation, from reading into your posts, I think you should go talk to this guy, I really do. You really don't seem to be moving forward with this. People on here have answered your questions two or three times over and you still ask them.

 

Go talk to him. Whatever happens it can only help you I think. Forget pride, forget your ego. It's not about that. Go seek the truth in this. If you guys can have a constructive talk, great. If he doesn't reply to your requests, there's an answer right there.

[Jayar]

I think no matter WHAT the situation, if you truly want to make it work with someone, you don't dump them. No matter what they do. Dumping someone is the most fundamental way to tell them you're not into them. It is a sign of a bigger problem than whatever incident prompted the break-up.

 

It took me a bit to realize this in my own situation. I thought maybe if I showed him how I've changed he'll want me back. Maybe if I showed him that I understood our issue in the relationship and was taking steps to fix it. Then I realize he had decided he wasn't into me a long time before he dumped me. Otherwise he wouldn't have wanted to lose me. And I have no desire to be with (or even talk to) someone who doesn't care if they lose me.

[offshore00]

Is anyone full of regret after getting dumped like I was? What if you honestly feel you could get them back? She totally came on to me, basically asking me out. She then ended it only after a few days. I'm full of regret because I only had to say a few things different, and it would of changed everything since we barely knew each other. I just feel like another night with her could make it perfect because we had great chemistry. This feeling nags at me lingerly...

[smiles21]

See in my situation, she dumped me to sort things out between us, and for us to possibly start fresh. She continues to say I need to chase her.. and contact her.. and work on things to make it work. And I need to "make her fall back in love" as she fell out, but still loves me...

 

She thinks i should be making the texts and calls, so I dont see how NC would work for me..

[papalazarou]

See in my situation, she dumped me to sort things out between us, and for us to possibly start fresh. She continues to say I need to chase her.. and contact her.. and work on things to make it work. And I need to "make her fall back in love" as she fell out, but still loves me...

 

She thinks i should be making the texts and calls, so I dont see how NC would work for me..

 

 

Be careful it sounds like she might be using you...where NC would work is that you are doing everything that she does not expect you to do i.e not contacting her. However NC is not for game playing.

[annie24]

I think it really depends on what was done that was "wrong." If you killed his dog or set his car on fire or slept with his brother, I think you should probably apologize.

 

What was it that you thought was "wrong" that you did? Was that behavior just plain old wrong, or was it something that he just didn't like about you?

 

I think after a breakup, if you are the "dumpee", it's only worth going back JUST ONE TIME, saying, hey - I'm sorry for the things I did that contributed to the breakup, let's try again. If they still insist on breaking up, then it is done for good.

[shikashika]

I think it really depends on what was done that was "wrong." If you killed his dog or set his car on fire or slept with his brother, I think you should probably apologize.

 

What was it that you thought was "wrong" that you did? Was that behavior just plain old wrong, or was it something that he just didn't like about you?

 

I think after a breakup, if you are the "dumpee", it's only worth going back JUST ONE TIME, saying, hey - I'm sorry for the things I did that contributed to the breakup, let's try again. If they still insist on breaking up, then it is done for good.

 

I don't know what I did 'wrong'... It could have been a combination of things.... like anyone I've been speculatinga million and one reasons as to why it may not have worked out... I was so mad and hurt when he broke up with me that I wrote him this email saying I didn't want to be friends with him.... I basically said in the email that I thought he only wanted to be friends with me to ease his guilt. Then... he was upset becuse I wrote him that letter and told me he was frustrated with me because now he didn't kow how to act around me...and didn't know how I wanted him to act..( i still do not know why he was so concerned about this)

 

it has been over 2 months since the breakup... there was 100% no contact 6 weeks... then I ran into him, still felt mad and told him about not wanting to be friends...then maybe one msn and another run in since then

 

so I dont' know if contacting him now is a lost cause..

 

[annie24]

if you can't really pinpoint what it was you did "wrong," maybe you didn't do anything wrong. maybe you two just weren't a match.

 

how long were you dating?

 

if you were to contact him, what would you say to him?

[smiles21]

Be careful it sounds like she might be using you...where NC would work is that you are doing everything that she does not expect you to do i.e not contacting her. However NC is not for game playing.

 

Yea I know its not for game playing, but if you scroll down a few posts and read my thread, the convo that we had yesterday it might help a bit.

 

It's here:

 

[shikashika]

if you can't really pinpoint what it was you did "wrong," maybe you didn't do anything wrong. maybe you two just weren't a match.

 

how long were you dating?

 

if you were to contact him, what would you say to him?

 

maybe i didn't do anything wrong... maybe i did.. i don't know what i'd say to him apart from "hi"

 

i dont' know how to start it... i guess i feel taht he would have initiated contact with me..but went i sent him the 'we can't be friends' email.. and i was angry at him... he acted like "fine then, i won't contact you'

 

uughh!