he's gone and i can't function

[notsurewhatsnext]

okay, so he left me....after 14 years of marriage, mostly filled with verbal abuse, and what do I do? Call him today and beg him to come back--and yes I mean beg. With absolutely no pride left in me. What does he say? Basically that everything was my fault and to quit my whining and shut up---he is never coming back. I wanted closure-I guess I got it. How do I move on now? I definitely do not want another abusive relationship-I just feel extremely sad and lonely and the thoughts of dating someone else makes me want to throw up. I am not exactly sure what to do now. I am scared to death to be alone (I like having a man around, even if we argue all the time) I do not want to call and beg him anymore-he is getting immense pleasure from my pain-not once did he say sorry you're upset or anything else, mostly he just said I caused him to leave because i was such a (mod edit). I really didn't think I was all that bad. So can anyone tell me how to make the hurt and depression go away? How to move on more quickly-it's been a month and he seems to have progressed quite nicely with his life-while I am left picking the pieces of my heart up. Any advice would be nice, as begging him did not work. I am not sure if I am more disgusted that he left me, or with myself for begging an abusive man to come back

[Dako]

Whatsnext,

 

Don't beg him at all.

Do you have friends to lean on, someone you trust? Let them help you get through the next few weeks without this .....guy, I guess he is. It may take some time to recover, but I look back on my year since my marriage ended, and I see a surprising amount of self-discovery and even a sense of optimism about the future. It's a new beginning, and don't get me wrong, it's a struggle at times, but it's worth it.

 

You've grown so accustomed to his hostility, I'll bet you expect another guy to be as hurtful, but it's not true. If you can get over this guy, life will get better.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

After fourteen years of marriage and you expect to feel ok after a month apart? Oh sweetie, this is going to take some time to heal. First thing you need to do (note that I didn’t say “should” you *need* to do this) is gather your support around you. Get your friends or even some professional help like a psychologist or a counsellor. They see people with these kinds of problems all the time and they will have excellent resources for you to use to get better. I know that right now you probably don’t believe this, but it will get better. It might take six months or it might take a few years. But if you focus on putting on foot in front of the other right now and do what you can to take care of yourself, then you’re heading in the right direction. Moving on quickly is an illusion. This is going to take as long as it takes. In this crazy house of mirrors there are no short cuts that don’t lead you back to square one (like alcohol, drugs, or getting into another relationship right away). The only way out of this is to go through it.

[MacGyverRI]

I do not want to call and beg him anymore-he is getting immense pleasure from my pain-not once did he say sorry you're upset or anything else, mostly he just said I caused him to leave because i was such a (mod edit). I really didn't think I was all that bad.

 

 

So can anyone tell me how to make the hurt and depression go away? How to move on more quickly-it's been a month and he seems to have progressed quite nicely with his life-while I am left picking the pieces of my heart up. Any advice would be nice, as begging him did not work. I am not sure if I am more disgusted that he left me, or with myself for begging an abusive man to come back

 

It's usually both peoples fault to cause a breakup so no pointing fingers. Communication is a key part to keep things going well or tolerable.

 

Begging just feeds an ego, never do that.

 

Hurt and depression are normal in these type breakups, nobody will be happy. You survived before being together, you will survive again. Counseling and friends do help a lot.

[Tigris]

I broke up with my husband in November last year. We'd been married for 14 years too. I know I hurt him deeply, but there was no other solution to my problem. I'd realised I'd been a lesbian in denial all my life although I'd been trying to avoid it. I couldn't cope with the turmoil anymore. My ex found it difficult at first, but as time moves goes by he's a lot happier. I haven't seen him this happy in years.

 

It's time for you to get help and support (family, friends, counselling) so that you can heal. Eventually you'll be able to start a new life. It'll take 'baby steps' so you'll just have to take each day at a time.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

After 14 years of a verbally abusive marriage I would expect that you are carrying alot of scars and likely some fairly low self esteem. When someone consistantly blames you for every little thing for years and years you might have begun to believe it. Let me just say, it's not your fault. I know this might be hard to believe but it's true.

 

Hon, have you considered counseling? It's going to take time and understanding to get past this guy and how he broke you down, and the help of a professional may help you work through it, and prevent it fron happening again, as these things can often repeat themselves in someone who has low self esteem. It's definitely worth considering.

 

Do you have friends and family you can lean on? Sometimes having others that love you and that are willing to listen is helpful too. Lean on them, too.

 

You WILL get through this. Hard to imagine, but others before you have gone through similar things and made it out in the end, and you will too.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

((HUGS))

[TheRedQueen]

Now that's some REAL advice, I agree whole heartedly!!!!!!