is this cheating?

[DG9]

hi everyone... i just need a few peoples opinions on this situation...

 

i broke up with my BF of 3.5 years some time last year and then afterwards had a short term relationship with another guy ( i KNOW this is a mistake) but when i met my ex after 5 months i told him about all that, and he said he still loved me and still wants to make this work.. and i told him he shoudl really think about it and see if he wants to, bcs i def knew i wanted to! so he thought about it and said that no matter what he does want to give it a try! then we had our first date after AGES (we were in a long distance relationship) and things went to the next level... and it was the first time for me and he knew that it was a huge deal for me ( i told him that if we were going to take it to the next level he needed to be SURE of us, and forgetting the past... he said he DEF is sure... he's been my besfriend for YEARS so i trusted him)

 

but after that... (the next day) we had a small argument about money and he told me that he spent some money on a hooker when we werent together. i was COMPLETELY shocked because thats NOT who he is... and he said he did it because the break up changed him and that he decided not to be the good guy anymore... i forgave him... but in the next eight months he would argue with me and bring up my relationship with the other guy and call me a * * * * and backstabber! i feel REALLY betrayed! esp when i think back on how i found it in my heart to forgive and foget something he convenientyl forgot to mention to me...

 

was i cheated on? by him not telling me what happened? the more he argued with me the harder i tried not to bring up the hookers name... he considers the two experiences totally different, because i was the cause of his experience... so ic ant blame him for that...

 

i dont talk to him anymore, bcs he keeps calling me the reason for his downfall. we broke off the engagement... but to put things in perspective is that considered cheating?

[Clementine orange]

Ah yes, pride and jealousy - messes with one's head doesn't it?

[Augusteen]

Um, if I understand this correctly, you were not together. thereforeeee, he did not cheat on you. At least, that's my understanding of cheating. Everyone seems to have their own definitions though.

 

However, I understand your feellings here. I'd be upset too if I found out my boyfriend had been with a hooker. It's just...not my thing.

 

However, I think you're misinterpreting your feelings for anger and disgust for feelings of betrayal. He did not betray you as I understand it. But he did do something you disaprove of. And perhaps you see him in a new light? Perhaps you feel that he's been lying to you about himself all this time? Maybe it's betrayal in that sense.

 

But overall, I don't count that as cheating per say. But I would be looking at this person in a different way. I don't like the idea of prostitution and it's my choice not to associate with people who participate in those activities.

 

And as for this whole 'reason for his downfall'...I find that pathetic. I'm assuming here that this guy's an adult right? Can he not pick himself up? Does he seriously need to blame you for all his problems? I doubt it.

 

Please don't buy into all that crap. It's just a line from someone suffering from a serious dose of self-pity.

[DG9]

thats the thing... i DONT see him in a new light bcs of that!he's still the guy i met and was my best-friend for SO MANY years and fell inlove with! i was hurt and i argued with him about all that and got it out of my system!! but everytime he starts to fight with me after that he woud ALWAYS bring up the other guy i went out with and says how disgusting i am and that i was a waste of time bcs i ruined his life it hurts to know that someone i gave away EVERYTHING to (that was under my control) is saying all these horrible things! the last time i called him he said that he can easily find a girl who doesnt have a "past" like mine and i dont even KNOW what he's TALKING about! apparently im not perfect anymore...

 

i dont know if i should laugh or cry

[Augusteen]

Seems like you're smiling on this end? You sure those smilies are the right ones lol

 

Well, you certainly know your boyfriend better than I do, but frankly he sounds like a jerk. A jerk with a HUGE double standard. Why is it okay for him to sleep with a prostitute but it's not okay for you to have had a small relationship while the two of your weren't dating?!

 

Maybe I'm just a prude or something but I definitely think the prostitute is much less 'accepted' by society. There's a lot less innocence associated with it.

 

But I'm not trying to take sides here. As far as I'm concerned, you were NOT together. thereforeeee, it's not a 'fault' or a 'mistake' on either of your parts. You were both free to do as you pleased from that point on. But when you got back together, it was up to both of you to talk about what happened when your were apart and put it behind you.

 

It sounds like he never has. And I'll admit, I'm a bit confused by that. Maybe he's feeling guilty about his actions and keeps throwing yours in your face as a defence mechanism.

 

But still, he sounds like a jerk. Did he actually say that you were not 'perfect' anymore? And a 'past' PFFFTTT, this guy needs a kick in the * * * *. Everyone has a past, including him. And it seems to me like he's still living in it.

 

It may be time to move on. AFTER a huge discussion about all this damned anger he's hording.

[DG9]

everytime i bring up the fact that he needs to talk and get over everything he does go into defense mode which ends up hurting me more... and him hanging up on me... so now, after the last unpleasant conversation ive had with him ( and the recent mail for his birthday) ive cut off all ties with him in an attempt to get over him!

yeah, he did actually use those words... he said that im not the perfect girl he met, and that my past disgusts him, he even went to the extent of telling me that i was "F*****g" around with the other guy when i wasnt! he was my first love, so its really confusing as to why i wasnt enough for him when i gave him SO MUCH...

 

i guess i SHOULD be smiling that i got out of it before it went on if we had married...

 

thank you so much Augusteen! (surprises me as to how it felt slightly good to hear someone calling him a jerk without me going into defense mode... )

[Augusteen]

Urg, well I do hope you keep him out of your life if he's going to continue being like this. He's just completely shutting you out and shutting down. For whatever reason, sounds like he can't handle life right now.

 

That being said, I'm sure he was a good person to you at some point in your life. But I think it's safe to say that that ship has sailed and it's time to find someone new.

 

And yes, you should be positively glowing that you figured this all out before you got married! Hope all goes well!

[confused25]

No, I wouldn't not consider what he did as "cheating" because you guys were already broken up. Didn't you have a short relationship after you guys broke up as well?

 

But I would still be concerned with the whole ordeal because he did sleep with a prostitute . . . so I'd ask him to get himself tested if I were you. You never know what he could be passing on to you.

 

And I thought it was pretty immature of him to blame his actions on you because clearly he is responsible for his own actions. He's just trying to guilt trip you and turning the table on you.

[DG9]

the thing is i didnt consider it cheating... until he said that i was a cheater for what i did and i was "analysing" the last few months we were together...

 

his prostitute story changes according to circumstances as well... im not with him anymore though... since he told me that my mistake didnt make me perfect anymore... (well he's the one who ended things)

 

well im feeling ALOT better than i did at the beginning, all this time ive analysed and worried about him because all his old friends dont like him (im the only one who has been friends with him the longest), but now im worrying less and less...

 

im glad what he did isnt cheating because it makes me feel better about the way i can remember him... i just hope one day he'll realize how stupid he was to call me all those horrible things...

[Momene]

Technically, neither of you were cheating as you weren't together. Having said that, a certain amount of jealousy about what you did while between each other is natural.