my thoughts arent helping me!!

[kath123]

some of you readers will know my story by now, but for those who dont i am four weeks into a break up that i didnt see coming!

I have been up and down for the whole time since it happened,have been nc or at least lc (the kids) all the way, with a struggle.

This week i have been much better for longer periods of time,but when i think about why i am better its not because im healing,its because my ex is looking and acting very sad, and is completely different to how he was at the beginning of all this. Then he was cold and said hurtful things now he is being very nice when i do see him (contact kids) and like i said he looks as though he wants me to realise he is sad, i dont think im imagining this, after all we had been together for ten years and i know his moods etc.

Anyway back to my feelings, i feel now that things are going in a different direction,that he may be regretting his actions and this gives me hope!

but hope for what? I know i shoulnt even be thinking of ever getting back together with him after the way he's hurt me,but i cant help it.

Or maybe i want him, to want me, because that would then take the pain of the rejection away, i just dont know!

Has anyone else felt like this, i know these feelings wont help my long term healing, but what can i do about it, I still love him and even feel for him that he is sad!! :

[Juliana]

Hi Kath;

 

I think it's nice that you know that you feel sad for him; even when people hurt us, we can still "be the bigger person" sometimes, and know that we don't wish them harm. That said, you are still deep in a terribly painful situation that he created, and you need to protect yourself from the harm that he might do to you. I would just carry on as you have been. Yes, it's helpful to our feelings of rejection that our ex's later regret what they've done -- but three months from now he might be over that regret, and glad he left you. I think it's best for your emotional health not to rely to much on the emotional vagaries of a person who is in the process of leaving you, not coming back to you.

 

Still praying for ya!

[this2willpa55]

kath,

 

i feel the same way. i want so much to have my ex back even though he lied and cheated on me. i am so mad at myself for feeling this way.

 

for the stronger members out there, please tell us how to turn this longing into anger.

[kath123]

thankyou both for your replies,

so do you think his behaviour has more to do with guilt or regret?

this is so hard!

[icarus27]

Kath,

 

I'm only relaying the understanding I've started to form by reading posts on ENA, by talking to friends etc.

 

It's not uncommon for the dumper to feel immense guilt, in fact, I would hazard a guess that only truly cold-hearted cruel people would feel none. But that is absolutely no guide to whether they will want to have a go at the relationship again. They may or they may not.

 

Truly, it makes dumpees feel a little better to know that the person is feeling guilty about what they've done. But I fear it is only a balm. Words can't describe how much I want to have some kind of clarification from my ex, some sense that it was difficult for her as well to have made the terrible decision - but am I ever going to know? I don't know.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly.

[Juliana]

I think the dumper often has feelings they are still working through after they leave. Not everything gets sorted through before they go, even if they were obviously contemplating it long before they went. It's probably some regret, over the good things lost, guilt, that they hurt someone who loved them, and finally ambivalence about what they left you for -- nothing is ever as good as it appears in the ads, and usually once they have really committed to the other relationship by leaving you, they immediately smack into all it's shortcomings -- which they didn't notice before because they had you to take up the other woman's slack.

 

However, the bottom line is that focusing on them and why they are doing what they're doing is a waste of time unless or until they start to come back to you. Until then, there is no relationship to think about, just you, getting your life back on track without them.

[JoeWho]

Turning your feelings about your ex from missing them and wanting them to come back to you into anger and resentment is something that will come with time. My Ex cheated and then left, immediatley starting another relationship. At first I was in shock wondering how could this be actually happening after almost ten years together. I missied her and wanted her back badly for the first month or so. I Felt like no one ever loved anyone like I loved her and all the other crap that we all feel right after a hard break up.(you guys know what I am taking about)

 

What started the change in how I felt and how I saw things was when I would hear things from mutual friends. After hearing enough things I just became so angry with everything that had happened that it just motivated me in a way that is hard to describe. It sort of brought out the fighter in me. I forced myself to take a hard look at the relationship and the reality of everything that happened. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and forced myself to think about all of the positive things that are in my future. I though about her morals and values and then compared them to mine. I felt like if she could hurt me the way she did then she was not someone I want to have in my life. It was really that simple. It was not easy but it was simple.

 

Anger is not always a good thing however, as it can consume you somtimes. I have had days when I would look in the rear view mirror while driving only to notice the nasty frown on my face (I was probably scaring people half to death). Anger can be used as a tool, but to be angry 24/7 is not very fun or attractive to other people. When I start to miss the ex or feel lonley I think about what she did and I get angry (who wouldnt). If what has happened to many of us happened to one of our close friends, what would we say about thier ex? A list of explicit phrases I am sure! Well unfrotunatley it happened to us. Plain and simple the ex's turned out to be unworthy of our affection.

 

 

As for the exs feeling guilty and sad I say good and I am glad they are suffering a little. My ex emailed me this week saying she is more hurt and confused than she has ever been and thinks about me every minute. Sure it made me feel good that she is suffering a little and still thinks of me, but what does that have to do with me now? Absolutley nothing! A few days after hearing that, I wish I never heard it because I started to feel a little bit bad for her.(imagine that) I do wish her happiness and a great life but not with me.

 

 

 

We all deserve much better then what we had and fortunatley lost. You all have the strenth you need to get through this!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Of course its going to be hard for him to change his pattens and familiarity of the past ten years as well.

 

I don't know how optimistic this should make you, but understand that adjustments and change is hard for anybody. His change in mood and demeanor could simply be coming from his adjustment period.