When will I feel better?

[Lioness]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post ever on a website. I'm going through a hellish situation that seems to go on and on and some insight or ideas from others would be welcomed.

 

My husband and I were married last June, 2005. We have been together for six years. He has two daughters and I have two daughters. We all lived together for four years before getting married as I wanted to be totally sure this was the right move. I was and still am madly in love with him. Last November he was in a car accident and hurt. He was diagnosed with TBI - Traumatic Brain Injury, and went through several months of therapy to regain his motor skills and problem solving and so much more. This past June he decided he needed more alone time to sort through all the stuff going through his brain. We had a very busy household, four daughters, three dogs, one cat and myself and my husband. So he started camping on his own and not coming home at night, staying at hotels and just disappearing. I was told by all the doctors this was a normal reaction to what had happened to his brain. But then his behavior became somewhat strange and he withdrew from the family in nearly all aspects. He wouldn't eat dinner with us, go places on the weekends, talk to the girls for more than a couple minutes...on and on. He became angry at the little things and would snap for no reason. My daughters are younger than his, 7 & 11, and I didn't feel it was a good situation for them to be exposed to. So we agreed he would move out. Once he moved out, which was in August, I rarely saw him. I think I've seen him four times since he moved. About three weeks ago he told me he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. I had spent countless hours being supportive and loving and now he literally wants nothing to do with me, my daughters and very little with his own. I put my home on the market to sell, bought another one and moved last weekend. I was not getting any better and everywhere I looked were memories and triggers of times I thought were great. How could I have been so wrong and so gullable? I adored him, still do, but he just turned his back and walked away. He destroyed five other lives and has no remorse. We were very in love and happy. I had to get ride of all the pictures of him, all the clothes he bought me, everything that reminded me of him. The only way I can function is to pretend he's dead. I know that sounds bad but this is hands down the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm 42. My daughters are getting better, but have known him as their step-dad for so long, and his kids as their "sisters". How long until I feel human again? Anyone have any ideas?

[avman]

I'm sorry this happened to you. But do not blame yourself. It does seem as if the accident changed your husband in a way that neither you nor he could have anticipated. If anything, I might even consider it a case where the husband you knew and loved actually died, and the person that emerged is someone completely different.

 

Ordinarily I would be critical of your husband had he simply up and left you, but I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that his mind has turned on him and he literally cannot understand what it is he is doing.

 

I feel that your pretending that he is dead in a way will help you to cope. You need to grieve the loss of your husband. If you need to blame something, blame the accident. It may help you to find some forgiveness in your heart for the subsequent actions of your husband and let you move on with your life

[Lioness]

Yes, that's true. I have been grieving for the last couple months and in counseling. I have flashbacks of being so in love with this man, and now he's moved on to someone else. How does that work? I realize the accident changed him, but he's resumed many other facets of his life; work, exercise, hobbies and so on. It makes me doubt all the doctors and believe what's in front of me...he left me for someone else. He was my dream and my life. I adored him and we had so much caring for each other. I'm trying to to blame myself, but I just get physical pangs of hurt and confusion. I've never had this hard of a blow hit me...we were together for 6 years and now I don't even hear from him. I'm just waiting for the papers to come in the mail. He cut me from his life in a matter of days and loves another.

 

The counselor tells me to surround myself with loved ones and friends. I'm not able to tell anyone what has happened outside of my family that live back East. I'm in Colorado and pretty much alone with my two girls. I've not allowed his girls to see me, or my daughters, as it ignites false hope. That's just not good for anyone. He goes to our old house and take his belongings. He'll email me if he's going so we don't show up at the same time. If I saw him I have no idea how I'd react. I work full time and can function at my job but I get huge waves of sadness that paralize me. It's hard to explain. I know everyone heals differently, but any ideas how long this aweful feeling goes on?

 

I want to be me again but I can't find the way back. Thanks for the kind words by the way.

[Dorsay]

I am sorry that you're hurting so much. I'm also asking the same question--when will this aweful feeling go away? I'm a long distance runner, my running theory is always--put one foot forward. Please take a little step forward each day. When you absolutely can't move or find youself numb, then stop and take a deep breath. I am hoping that your pain will go away soon. This painful journey may be a marathon, but it will end.

[avman]

Healing is different for each person. I wish I could tell you exactly how long it will take, but I don't know. This is a journey you just have to go through. But you don't have to go through it alone. Make sure you have your friends and family with you the whole way. You are going to need them.

 

It DOES get better with time. You will eventually look back and realize that you don't feel quite as bad one day as you did previously. And then little by little it'll keep getting better.

 

I would however make one suggestion. You have said you aren't allowing his girls to see you or your daughters to see him. I would really ask you to reconsider that. That is kind of punishing all of them for the split between you and your husband (I know that isn't your intent, but it will feel that way). So now they are also cut off, and are going to suffer as well. Is there any possibility you can arrange some time for them to see each other if it's acceptable to both parties? Take some time and explain in advance that you won't be getting back together with your ex, but that you did want to try to allow them to maintain some sort of relationship.

[Lioness]

Thanks for the kind words. I want to feel better badly, but it seems every aspect of my life has been permeated by my hsuband. We really loved many of the same things and I'm not able to enjoy anything he was related to, which rules out a lot. I have considered allowing my daughters to see his, and we did try it twice. I ran into problems with my girls afterwards as they get mouthy and very angry. They are 11 & 7 and while I've explained to them all the things that have happened, there's always that hope my husband and I will reconcile. Then they get mad and disrespectful to me and to each other. I'm thinking when we've all had a bit more time to recover we could try again.

 

I moved last weekend. The house we were all living in became too much for me so I bought a townhome about 6 miles away. My family flew in from NY and helped me move, but there's still a lot of stuff there I have to clean out. The problem I have is the house I once loved, I hate. I walk in there and can feel my chest tighten and the tears flood my eyes. It's ridiculous really, but the house itself was a focal point of terrific memories and I can't stop seeing ghosts if you will. Every piece of furniture and table reminds me of something great. So I sold most of the furniture and moved out. It's on the market and hopefully will sell soon. I like where I am now and the girls are adjusting well.

 

I need distractions or things to do. I can't make myself leave my home unless the girls have places to go. On the weekends I don't have them I stay inside. I'm worried if I go out I'll run into my husband and I can't predict my reaction, especially if he's with his new love. God, what happened...

[Lioness]

I used to run track in HS, but not distance. I guess this situation can be compared to a marathon, grim but true. If you don't mind me asking, what is your situation?

[Dorsay]

Hi Lioness, I wish I could give you more support. I really feel sad for your situation. For me, I guess I just fell in love with someone who's unable to open his heart to me. He treated me wonderfully and made me believe that I was special to him. I found out that I wasn't that special after all, and he's been actually dating other women although as he said there wasn't anyone with long term possibilities. He wanted me to stay, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't contact him since, but I am thinking of him everyday. The pain is there every minute-feeling foolish, feeling betrayed, missing him, thinking of what ifs. I had a very long run last saturday. I spoke with his ghost throughout the run. Comparing to your pain, I'm sure that mine is nothing. So, I almost feel guilty for telling you what happened to me. I believe me we will heal if we allow ourselves to. It's a painful process, but we'll be happy one day. In the mean time, please take care of yourself.

[JoeWho]

I feel horrible for what has happened to you. It is no doubt extremely hard for you. Similar things have happened to many of us on here and each and every person does say that one day you will look back and say "you know what I am getting better" When that will be is different with each person but it does eventually happen. I understand the waves of pain you mention and the shock of it all and how you never thought you would be where you suddenly find yourself. Rest assured that you will feel better, maybee only a tiny bit at a time but it will happen for you.

[Lioness]

Good Morning,

 

It's the weekend and my girls go to their dad's today. Does anyone else dread those weekends? I do now. So I'm lining up little projects for myself to keep my mind and body occupied. Long "angry" bike rides help too. I dream about my husband nearly every night. I was trying to put makeup on this morning before work and I couldn't stop the tears so I gave up. I feel pathetic and vunerable. So out of character for me. I've always been the one to hold my friends and family together when something bad happened. Now I'm the wreck but I can't seem to get the words out to tell people. I did tell my family though. It feels very unnatural to be without my husband and lonely. I miss the most basic of things, watching the news together, laughing at the comics and discussing politics...just stupid stuff I really liked about us. How is it he can move on to someone else, make love to someone else, and not miss any of those things about me? How does that happen? I don't want to be bitter and angry because that doesn't fit me either. But I can see how easily it is to walk down that path and stay there.

 

Let's hear some happy news! Tell me something happy please. Thank you to all the kind words from this group. I feel like I'm in good company.

[Lioness]

Thanks. I desperately want to feel better. This person in my body isn't really me, but I can't find me. It seems part of me was connected to my husband, and when he left some of me did too. Odd how we entangle ourselves with another person like that, but I did. I've always been so strong and independent and it took a lot to give my heart and soul to him. I feel foolish and almost ashamed to be in this spot. I can feel empathy for others, but very little for me. Have you ever felt this way before?

[Lioness]

That's an excellent way to put it, the being special to him part. I have been feeling that too...all the lines he fed me about being his soul mate and his real love and on and on...it was a ruse really. I wasn't so special after all. I was just another woman in his life he married and then cheated on. But he lied so much and made it appear it was the car accident that made him do it all.

 

Your pain is just as severe as mine, I'm sure. It sounds as if you were quite taken with him and he let you down. That's bad and I'm sorry for you. I have decided no one in this life gets out unharmed. This is my first big & awful bruising. Even when I've had relatives die, I didn't feel this bad. (Now that's not so nice to say ;-) Do you feel you're making progress? I'll be having a few "angry bike rides" this weekend to help me get more balanced. I have a bunch of music on my ipod that's rather angry or aggressive. I ride 13 miles four days a week and I typically feel much better.

 

Take care.

Lioness

[Derailed]

Lioness, I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know how people fall out of love either. Isn't it ridiculous how much 'power' a person has? I never realized this before my own crisis. They are, in our eyes, literally elevated to God status. They have the power to turn our world upside down, and the power to ultimately save us. I hate that we give them that power.

 

We go through so many questions... How can this happen? Where did my life go? What can I do to get it back.

 

I hope it gets better for you. I know my words won't bring you comfort, but have consolation in the fact that you are not alone. Anger helps, I'm glad your working on it.

[Dorsay]

Hi Lioness, it's been 2 weeks since we broke up. My progress? I have my ups and downs, but mainly downs. I wanted to call him so badly last night, but I didn't. I am always a very strong person, but this time, I know I need help. I'm going to see a therapist next Monday, may be he can give me some insights. I went on a 16 mile run last saturday, and will do it again tomorrow. As I said, I spoke with his ghost the whole way. I never had an angry run, but this one was sad. There isn't any hatred with him, but just hurt and sorrow. I'll get over it.