Feeling so hopeless

[GoneAgain]

Ok, with everything going on I just feel so hopeless. I hate myself for everything! I know I know i should feel better, feel releaved I'm not in the situation anymore and safer but I don't! I feel like * * * *! I feel like there's no hope anymore, that my life isn't worth it.

 

I cry everynight and I'm so sick of this whole investigation and court crap! I'm SOO sick of it! I don't want to do this anymore! I wish I would've never told anyone!!!!

 

I just feel like I'd be better off dead. Think of those that care about you right? well that would ONLY be my brother. He is safe in the house he's in now. He would be better without me as an influence on him!!! He REALLy would! Youguys don't even know how horrible I am! I'm serious about this to....I'm NOT a good person!!

 

I yelled at him yesterday and I was a complete idiot! I feel horrible! He did NOTHING wrong and I yelled and called him a baby! I feel horrible, and he said he hates me and I was just like my father....and he should and he's totally right. I hate my self for this, but I can see I am becoming like my father! And I'm really scared I will turn into exactly him!! So really...I'm just causing more pain to him, not less!!!

 

 

*edit* I only have an hour on this thing so if I leave before replying to anyone or before I get any replies I'm sorry.

[AwdreeHpburn]

goneagain -

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. I think its a sign of a GOOD conscenious (what the ? sp?) rather than a bad person if you feel guilty for not being so nice.

 

Just so you know - if you are in a frustrating or hard to handle situation, EXPECT to be crabby sometimes. If you snap at your brother, even tho its not OK, it IS understandable. Just remember to be as quick to apologise as you are with your temper.

 

Don't beat yourself up about the little stuff. Allow your self the frustration of the stress. There's GOING TO be some.

 

But really, remember, don't sweat the small stuff......and KNOW....it's ALL small stuff.

[GoneAgain]

goneagain -

 

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. I think its a sign of a GOOD conscenious (what the ? sp?) rather than a bad person if you feel guilty for not being so nice.

 

Just so you know - if you are in a frustrating or hard to handle situation, EXPECT to be crabby sometimes. If you snap at your brother, even tho its not OK, it IS understandable. Just remember to be as quick to apologise as you are with your temper.

 

Don't beat yourself up about the little stuff. Allow your self the frustration of the stress. There's GOING TO be some.

 

But really, remember, don't sweat the small stuff......and KNOW....it's ALL small stuff.

 

I am stressed so badly! I need to find a place while working full time and doing all the school stuff for my brother helping with his homework, which takes a while! I'm not sleeping well and the court stuff is a pain and I'm constantly stressing out over everything and I can't help it! I don't like living with someone else and just eating their food, I feel like I'm imposing on them and eating all their food, but they've said it's ok, but Idon't like being a nusense (sp?) or imposing on them! I know it must be an inconvenience, especially me since my bro has a friend there at least! I'm just so sick and tired of everything!

 

And I hate that I yelled at him and as good as it is that I feel bad about it it still makes me feel worse. I can't even bring myself to talk to him! I know me yelling at him jus makes him think of my father, especially calling him a baby and I just.....i just hate myself. I should NEVER snap at him! I shouldn't! Knowing what he's gone through I should NEVER be allowed to snap at him like that! ](*,) ](*,) I know that and yet I still did it!!! Really, I'm suppose to protect him, not hurt him!!!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I have been following your story. I must say, you are a remarkable young lady. You are definitely mature and loving to your younger brother.

 

You have been under tremendous stress lately and every now and again, you are going to snap at times. It is common. You brother does NOT hate you, he is just extremely hypervigillant to being yelled at. He may be suffering from Post Tramautic Stress Disorder and yelling could be a trigger. He loves you and knows you want what is best for him.

 

Perhaps in a few days apologize to him, you are under stress and you are worried about his safety and well-being.

 

Hang in there. I cannot imagine what your life has been like but I can say you are very strong. Be strong for your little brother, he needs you and you need him. Nothing lasts for ever. Keep the faith, no matter how hard it can get.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

(((hugs)))

[friscodj]

Hey GA-

 

You posted in the suicide forum here, are you really considering suicide? Please don't...please...

 

Look, you don't deserve to be in this situation and you didn't ask for it. You are doing your best with what you have. You were dealt this hand by life, and it is a very tough hand to play, but it is the only one you have and there is a reason you were given this hand, for yourself and your brother, because you have the strength to play it and come out a winner in the end.

 

You are not perfect, no one is perfect, and you are 18 years old! Your strength and maturity is amazing GA, I am really impressed, really impressed. Let me say you are doing great with this, you are so strong, and it is normal to have doubts, to feel pressure, to feel stress, to feel hopeless. You have every right to feel those things.

 

Keep your eyes on the bigger prize here. Keep talking to your brother, explaining things to him, apologize. Realize his reactions to you are tied to this situation as well, that when he responds negatively to you, he is doing so influenced by this situation. Remember he may not understand all of this now, but later on he might very well owe his life to you for what you are doing.

 

You have come so far with this, I have been keeping up with your situation from the beginning, and what you are thinking and feelings as expressed in your posts here is normal. You've come so far, worked so hard, done so well, and you will continue to do so.

 

Hang in there GA.

[kiki]

Gone again- take a deep breath in and breathe out! I agree with ta_ree_saw you have a good conscience you know and feel that yelling at your brother is not nice, but you are under a lot of stress at the moment so don't beat yourself up over it.. Have you spoken to your brother about how stressed you are? Try and talk to him- apologise for yelling at him by discussing that you are under a lot of pressure and that makes you stressed and angry but you don't mean it.. that way, he will understand why you yell at him.

 

i know its easier said than done but do try and find the time to relax. From the sounds of it, it is hard to relax because you have a lot on your plate at the moment but if it helps write a list of what you would want to sort out first then follow that list so you can cross off all the things you have accomplished.

 

You are lucky to have supportive people who let you stay with them- make it worth it! Stay with them but make sure you show them that you are trying hard to find a place of your own and they honestly wont mind as i did the same for a friend that was homeless and i was only too happy to help.

 

its not as if you're living off these people- from the sounds of it you are trying really hard to get back on your feet and good for you- thats fantastic keep at it and it will all be worth it. You can always show your gratitude to these people by making dinner for them maybe? or when you have found a place of your own- offer them your support and help- be as good as help as they have

 

good luck to you.. hang on in there

[GoneAgain]

First let me say, Thank you! For helping, the compliment, as well as following what I've been writing. It is nice to know there are more people, such as you and friscodj for example, who are listening and care.

 

Could you explain what exactly Post Tramautic Stress Disorder is? Other then the obvious, that it's a reaction to having lived with all the stress and stuff before.

 

I know he doesn't really hate me, it just really hurt to hear him say that. I'll give him another day before I appologize cause Ithink he's still mad at me.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

No, I promise no. It was, however, going through my head so I thought this was the appropriate area. It's just....everything seems like I'll never find a place that I can afford and all and it all seems hopless.

 

 

 

I hope I see some of that "strength" you said sometime soon! I'm just so tired of doing all of this.

 

 

 

Thanks Sometimes I wish I was just one of those spoiled brattts who got eveything they wanted instead of the person I am.

 

 

 

I know his reaction was just because of before, but it hurt. I know I hurt him too by yelling at him like that, but telling me he hated me...even if he didn't really mean it, really hurt.

 

 

 

Thanks friscodj

 

 

 

I know I keep trying to find some time to sit and relax (usually this time...when I get a chance to be on the computer which is usually late at night) but it's really hard to find that time.

 

I've talked to him about all the things that where going on before I yelled at him, but not really why I snapped or why it's so stressful. I'm gonna give him a day cause he's mad still I think.

 

I am VERY grateful for my bro's friends parents letting us stay with them and all the help they are! They are really wonderful people! I've told that to them many times and I really try to help with things, just a bit of money for bills and all, but they won't take it. They say I need to save my money fo an apartment. Which they are right, but I feel bad using all their things without any return. I keep all my stuff (which isn't much lol) out of their way and cleaned and I try to stay out of their way so it's less of an inconvenience for them, but I still feel like It's not right I stay there for free.

 

I think cooking dinner is a really good idea! I really want to pay them back some how.....I guess cooking, and cleaning and stuff is all I can do right now. And I am really trying to find a place, I don't want to impose on them too long. I guess keeping them updated on the places would probably help too so they know for sure that I am looking.

[NKP]

GoneAgain- I have felt like killing myself and i even acted on it befor, i didnt really want to die it just felt liuke the only answer and it felt like people would be better if i was gone, all i saw was all the bad i did like hurt everyone and i would never see any good in myself. That happened last year til this year, now i feel alive, i feel happy, i feel like i am me for once, if i ended my life i wouldnt be here right now and i wouldnt of only killed myself but my sister and maybe my brother aswell.

 

Hold on just have HOPE, the sun will shine again your way and you will feel like your the happiest person alive, but if you end it you will miss out on so much and wont even know what it is to feel happy agin. You maybe having a crap year right now but next year will be better, it m ight even be the best day of your life hun.

 

Befor you do, do it just think about all the people you hurt, you may think no one will care but you are wrong you will be so darn surpised how many people will care when your gone. I never knew people cared until i tried to end my life, people were crying and wanted to help me, and felt really sorry for me aswell. You will never know how many people care until its to late.

[Spugly Fuglet]

GoneAgain I would like to tell you of how I feel about thows who stand for what is good and right.

 

Some one once said "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men/women to do nothing"

 

You are doing the gratest good off all you are standing for what is right and good, That alones makes me count you as some one extraordinary.

 

Rest, sleep eat and give your self time to get you strenght back, what you have done has taken a lot out of you but not for one moment did you do wrong never for get that.

 

Look after your brother, you have but one and there will be no other to treat him well, with love and understanding it is all in your power to do.

 

Never wish yourself dead we can not do with out thows like you, we need you here to show us what it means to stand for what is right.

 

I sorry its so hard, I wish I could take some of the pain away but thank you for standing.

[GoneAgain]

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the delay in responding....I've been busy.

 

Things aren't going well. I found a place to live and I'm straining to make enough money to pay the bills, even though I have a roomate. I just don't make enough money for what's necessary I guess.

 

My brother is with his friends still and they are doing good, but my brother is still mad at me. I don't know why he is mad at me and he won't talk to me about it!! I don't know what to do! Everytime I think about it I just start crying cause out of everyone else he is the one person I don't want to be mad at me! The one person I truly care for!! I hate this!

 

I talked to my bro's friends parent (the ones he is staying with) and they said they where going to see if they can get him into therapy. I don't know, I guess he isn't doing well in school AT ALL and he's just having problems I offered to pay for some of it, they denied it and said they could handle it. I hope that helps him. I really do.

 

As for me, I just feel empty. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel like nothing.