Why does his ex bother me so much?

[Sugar-Rush]

Hey Guys,

 

I know this is going to sound silly because i'm in a happy relationship, but it really gets to me when my b/f talks to his ex.

 

We have been together 10 months, before we started dating he told me he wasn't completely over her, she was his first love, they only dated for a short time and them splitting up was a big shock to him. This said after we had been dating about 4 months we did discuss her and he told me he only had eyes for me and although she will always be his first love, it's me he wants forever and she was just a learning curve.

 

The thing is my guy and his ex work for the same company even though they rarely exchange more than hellos when they see each other, they do occasionally talk online as well, just brief things usually work related, he is very open about it, he see's no reason why they can't be friends as i am friends with my exs.

 

I don't want him to stop being friends with her, it just makes me so jealous when he talks to her....i haven't told him. I just feel so stupid and immature. Any ideas on how i can deal with this jealousy becuase i trust him and we are happy together and i don't want to ruin this as its the best thing thats ever happened to me.

 

Sugar xx

[Momene]

Maybe you're picking up on some chemistry between them. I don't want to scare you but it sometimes is the case and other times they can be more like brother and sister.

[RayKay]

How often does he discuss her?

 

I really think if they are really "in the past" the ex's come up VERY infrequently, and even then only as an add on to a story. If it is frequent, or there is some residual feelings apparent from the stories...I would be cautious.

 

Of course, I would not have gotten involved with someone whom said they were still not over their ex either....and whom four months into dating also talked about he always being his first love and a learning curve....something just seems very fishy, but also very risky, in getting involved.

 

But now that you are....I think you have to be alert. Sure, if you are friends with your ex's, you cannot be hypocritical, but the relationship with your ex's may also be different in the sense the feelings are not still fresh, etc...I don't know.

[krnswte143]

im kinda in a same situation...my bf is still in contact w/ his ex.. although they went out decades ago...now theyre like sister/brother...funny thing is i dont see it that way...nor believe they see each other as sis/bro (when they know they had a past toghether)... i do feel jealous n i do get mad at times when he talks to her or not...she wil come to him for everything n depend on him..i hate it. i know how ur feeling...

 

however, since u knew he wasnt over her... it'll just make things more complicated and plus they work toghheter....can u deal w/ it?

[Sugar-Rush]

Thanks for the replies, I see what you're saying, thing is he never really mentions her or brings her up, its me that does that, he speaks to her maybe oine every three months online but its always on very quick in a bussiness way and when i ask him about her, he just thinks i should get over it because he is, although he does tell me anything i want to know.

[krnswte143]

i understand.. i do always bring up about mybf's ex too. i think its a natural thing we feel jealous about.. cus were dealing w/ someone whos been with our boyfriends.. and for us to try to understand that... is kinda hard if u ask me.. from my experience, its n ot a good thing to get involved with someone who has *past* baggages around. its not an easy thing to get invovle with.

 

i sufffered a lot .

[Sugar-Rush]

Big hugs!! I really feel for you that must be awful, my situations not like that at all really, there not like brother and sister at all, they just say hi and thats it. I feel now that i'm kinda overreacting. I don't know how i'd cope in your situtation xx

[krnswte143]

Big hugs!! I really feel for you that must be awful, my situations not like that at all really, there not like brother and sister at all, they just say hi and thats it. I feel now that i'm kinda overreacting. I don't know how i'd cope in your situtation xx

 

hehe thanks!

 

well thats good their convo are just based on hi and byes .

 

mines are a little more than that.. its hard to deal with but my bf is with me not her... i gues thats what all matters right hehe

[Sugar-Rush]

I think it is, i think the thing you have to remember is that she's his ex for a reason and even though its hard for you sometimes, he's with you because he loves you, he should just be more sensitive around you about his ex, you should let him know how you feel but also you have to trust him, without trust you might as well not be with him. Has he given you reason not to trust him ? xx

[RayKay]

I think you have to NOT bring her up then....all that does is really show your own insecurity, and it's looking for reassurance...it really is a "test" that he cannot win, because either he tells you not to bring it up and you wonder if h is hiding anything, or he talks about it and then you feel insecure because of that, right?

 

You are only reinforcing your own insecurities by making her an issue in the present, when she should remain in the past.

 

My boyfriend had many girlfriends before me, including ones he was very, very serious with....however, they are not relative to his relationship with me NOW, or in the FUTURE. I am the one here, not them, and I also know he wants me not them......if you are bringing them up, maybe you do have some doubts about your relationship with him or rather his commitment in it with you? If you did feel totally positive about it, I think your concern with ex's would be much less obvious and apparent.

[Sugar-Rush]

I decided to talk to him about it tonight as he popped round to get the car from mine. I told him exactly how i feel. He listened and hugged me and said he was really sorry if he had done anything to make me feel insecure. He admitted before we started dating he wasn't over his ex but as soon as we got together he decided it was me and hasn't thought about her like that, she was his first love yes, but she's his past and not relivant to his future.

 

He said he can't stop being polite to her ( i don't want him to at all so thats fine) and he says he won't bring her up ( not that he ever has apart from once when we were discussing friends who had travelled abroad)

 

I feel so much better now we talked it over and i know i was just being silly. But thanks guys xx